Saturday, December 24, 2011

Desperate Love Songs



I have been pretty good about not being mushy [cause I ain't no punk lol] But at sometime in my life I would like to find a man who loves Zombies just as much as I do. One who has mechanical skills and can lift more than I can. One who loves motorcycles but loves to cuddle more. One who appreciates the effort I put into cooking and does not complain when it's burnt. LOL. I want to find someone who will let me fall asleep with my head on their chest so I can listen to their heart beat. I want them to understand I am "tough" but I also want to feel safe when I am with them. I want someone I can be spontaneous with, just have those moments where it's like take a dart to a map and "LET'S GO!" I want a man who can be my best friend and who is willing to learn new things. Also, he has to appreciate my obsession with photos. I want to be able to take care of him when he is sick and bake him cakes for his birthdays. Even though I am tom-boyish in many ways... I still have that hope for a healthy relationship where I can grow old with someone I can call my best friend until the day I die....

Okay. I'll stop. I know one day I will fall in love again, however, now is not my time... and I am not looking. Being single has actually been quite wonderful this time around. I have met tons of new awesome people and I know I would not be as spontaneous if I were in a relationship. You can't call me cocky but I am definitely confident in myself. I have quite a bit going for me and I am blessed to have so many great people in my life... when  I hear love songs though my girly side starts to show. 

You know what I am realizing now? I am terrible at blogging. I mean when I was working a desk job I had tons of things to talk about. Now I am a little more reserved. [say whaaaaa?] So I will end this with this song... because everything is ALRIGHT. 


Monday, October 24, 2011

A Lighthouse In This Hellish Storm

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart has 52 page views. It has been one hell of a week.

Last Monday it was decided that Chris and I were going to give up on attempting relationship counseling to save the seven some odd years we have invested into each other. At first I was fine and then I was sad and then I was angry and now I feel anxious but more in control. There is no need to feel badly it is just hard to imagine him with someone else, I couldn't imagine losing my best friend... my confidant... the person I could rely on to help me through hard times. My heart ached knowing I was going to lose out on the memories like his nieces baptism and being with his family. The fact we could not make memories together any longer, hurt.

Seriously. I felt like shit... I had lost a friend to death and I had lost someone I was madly in love with in the same week. What a blow to self-esteem. Yet, I had an epiphany. I was sitting on my floor in my disaster of a room and it hit me like a bag of rocks in the face. This is my moment to take control. Chris and I will always love each other and as much as I enjoy being in his presence I have a theory.


Don't worry I am not beating myself up over it, nor am I saying he is the bad guy. But I am relieving myself of the need to try to fix us. If he wouldn't have left I would have forever tried. Constantly struggling to find a balance I would never achieve and he would always feel as if I didn't care about him.

I definitely wish things were different. I wish we could have caught the problems in the beginning. If we were to have gone to counseling I think this would have been discovered and we may have been able to figure something out. I know I am slightly still in denial... and I catch myself thinking about him a lot... wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. I mean I have no idea how he feels.

This is the first time after ANY breakup that I have not found myself attached to some other guy and although I was advised by many, I do not feel like "enjoying my single days" If I am asked on a date I may say yes if I am interested... but I am not on the prowl. I don't need that attention. I am confident in who I am and I know I have things to accomplish. Plus, the whole sexual aspect makes life SO COMPLICATED. I am not ready for complications. All I need right now is to focus on myself and surround myself with friends.

Right now many of my friends are hurting, they are feeling the way I was feeling. They have the weight from Devon on their shoulders. I may not be the strongest person but when it comes to the people I love and care about I put my battle face on equipped with the support they may need at any given time. People who need that companionship or shoulder to cry on have me... because I am strong enough to carry that burden. I am not however, strong enough to carry the weight of relationship problems at this moment... Normally I can bare it but relationship drama at this moment is like a slap in the face.

I sorta got off track with creating the cycle picture [I still love Micrcosoft Paint] back to the epiphany. I am a busy person I fill my time with the most random things. I am here I am there I am pretty much everywhere. Too much downtime is a waste of time and I have become side tracked. Devon and Chris are gone, does this mean I should lie around in bed crying all day... No, it means that this is the push I need to get things I need to handle HANDLED. I am getting pretty good grades this semester and after this I have one more semester left until I get my associates in liberal arts with the emphasis on social sciences. Right now I am living rent free, which means I need to cancel out ALL my debt. Once I am debt free I will be able to save. When I am able to save I can move forth. Also, I am attempting the feat of leaving some 11 or so years of smoking behind me, I want to live a long life and be able to have that money for things like [hopefully] Europe and Germany next year once I get my AA.
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
My cousin posted that today. It fits well with how I have been feeling. Although I am not completely sane at the moment I am determined to make myself the best person I can possibly be. Feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past changes nothing. It's like I keep telling myself, I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. 

The positive things I do today will help me have a better tomorrow.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart

I wish I were in London. I wish I could be at some pub listening to the hustle and bustle of people. Drinking a pint of some beer I don't really like [because I like Bud light] but I would drink the English stuff just because. I wish I could hear the accents and listen to a group of friends laughing and another man complaining about how his wench of a wife is driving him crazy. I want to sit alone at my table, closing my eyes and hearing everything but thinking nothing. I want to see cobble streets and legitimate bakeries. Keep your cupcakes, I'd like a loaf of bread. I could go to a cafe and be bundled up and sit by a fireplace drinking a latte. I want to be where I can find peace of mind. I am not looking for a party and no one is looking to party with me. I am just a face on the street, a glance but nothing more. I wish I could be in London so I could go to the Florence and The Machine concert. People would be excited but I would just be able to feel her emotion....

Once you have that outright exhausting cry, where you can't breathe, your entire face is wet with tears, you have snot running like it's being chased by the police, and your whole soul feels empty... you can have that moment of nothing. The moment where you can no longer be sad but you can't truly feel happy. It's like you, as a person, are void from existence. The saying, The lights are on but, no ones home comes to mind. I am just sort of numb. I don't want to just lie in bed, I feel like walking. Walking to no where and bringing my camera. My $800 something dollar camera that my dad thinks I should return because I am in debt. I considered it, thinking with my rational brain rather than my emotional. However, I don't think I am going to. You only live once and although I don't condone throwing away money, what I do with my camera makes me happier than anything else I have ever done. I capture souls of people. You may change over time and things may happen but once I have you in that form you are mine forever and you have no where you can go. You don't age, you don't disappoint, and you certainly don't die. 

There have been thoughts in my head about losing friends... but I never really had to experience it. People die all the time and I feel very sorry for the people who lose them but no one at that extreme closeness level has died. My grandpa passed away and I was sad for my family, my Granny passed away and I was sad for my dad, My friends parents died and it killed me but not for me but for my friends and their future, My uncle passed away and again I was sad but mostly for my dad. It's like when people die, of course I am sad, of course my heart hurts, and of course I wish it didn't happen. But when I look at it... MY people didn't die. The people that I have made my own. The friends that have been with me through thick and thin. The people who are involved in my daily life. They don't die. They stay with me so we can stay friends forever. So no matter how much time has passed we are still friends and can pick up where we left off. Well except for Devon. Devon died. He felt that moment of anguish where death would prove a point and end his struggle. Devon took his own life, without realizing how badly he would hurt the ones around him. How his friend would call every coroner to prove it wrong. How she would drive home and fall into her little sisters arms in the middle of her court and cry. Then make her way into her room and lay on her bed-less floor trying not to hyperventilate. How she would drive to a friends house and see many other friends who she NEVER wanted to cry be embraced in her arms as they wept. Seeing men not know how to feel sadness so anger and avoidance sets in. Devon did not think of these things. I know the pain will subside and everyone will remember him but move on with their lives. We cannot feel sorrow or guilt forever. We will never know the exact reason. We will never know what he was thinking... and we will have to move forward. It's just heartbreaking knowing he won't be around. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thoughts In An Untamed Mind

It's been awhile. 

I've been thinking I want a party. Not a crazy rager type party where there is beer pong and chaos and people passed out on the floor. But a quaint, humble, theme party. Where people come a little early and leave by midnight. I want to make fancy drinks and have finger foods and soft music playing in the background but just be able to chat with people. Oh how I love simplicity. 

Anywho, this weekend is the B.Y.O.P. Party. [bring your own pumpkin] I have NO IDEA how many kids are coming. The set up is we are meeting at a park. Parents are supposed to bring their kids, pumpkins, and a dish to share. 
  • I am going to take Fall pictures of their kids. 
  • The kids will make Fall Hand Trees
  • They will decorate their pumpkins
  • They will play at the park
I have tables and need to stop by party city to buy plates, napkins, and all that jazz. A lot of effort is going into this because my sister always talks about having a fall party. I tried to help and then accidentally took over... which definitely was not the plan. I just wanted to make sure she had her party this year and I thought it would be fun if my friends with kids could come along too since many of the things I do are not kid friendly.  I am worried because although the weather should be nice, this is an outside event and things can go terribly wrong. But we shall see. No need to stress it is about having a good time.

I am going to start working on my "Famous Photographer Imitation" project. I was given the photographer Jeanloup Sieff. I have to have 10 photo's mimicing his style. 


Just a few examples of what I am going to try to mimic. Lots of black and whites. Thankfully I have friends willing to help. As of this moment I think I have six different people which is pretty awesome. 

I attempted a "Baby Bump" Shoot with my friend Noemi. Although some pictures turned out pretty awesome, we are going to have a round two. Pregnant women are definitely trickier to shoot because you have to get the right angle and don't want them to be uncomfortable. I was hoping to upload photo's but Blogger is not being my friend right now.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Why Of Course I'm Flashy

I LOVE Photography 35

I have sooooooooooooooo much work to do though.
  • 10 Guidelines of Composition
    • Two examples of strong focal points
    • Two examples of rule of thirds
    • Two examples of worms eye view
    • Two examples of  birds eye view
    • [You have probably stopped reading by now] 
    • Two examples of sense of scale
    • Two examples of  diagonals
    • Two examples of leading lines
    • Two examples of  simplicity
    • Two examples of truncation
    • Two examples of  S-Curve
    • Two examples of C-Curve
    • Two examples of  selective focus
    • Two examples of frame within a frame
    • Two examples of  repetition

  • Mystery Object
    • The class was given an envelope with a "Mystery Object" 
      • The object must illustrate what that object symbolizes to us personally
      • The object must be in at least ONE photo of the Ten.
    • My object is a guitar pick
      • Paint someones face like a KISS member then use the guitar pick as an eye patch and have the person biting a drum stick
      • Have someone sitting at a piano
      • Have someone use my Acoustic guitar dressed country next to a person with my dad's electric guitar in a stare down
      • Have Joey and Ezra DJ'ing
      • Have two people in a rap battle
      • Have people "Raving" with glow sticks
      • I need to find someone with a Saxophone
      • Karaoke Bar
      • Have a little ballerina
      • AND have someone listening to earphones 

  • My Final Project [Which is not due until December] is 20 pictures that evoke emotions
    • Here is my proposal that was accepted:
I would like my final project to be titled the “Evolution of the tiny Princesses.” The main objective of this project is to portray how society attempts to influence how little girls are supposed to turn out and how reality is very much different. The concept will be about how female children are born into the state of every little girl is a princess. As parents continue to feed their little girl’s ego and minds full of fairytales and pretty things, little girls then grow up and realize life has no story book ending.

Using both people I know and a few of naturally occurring events I would like to base my project on women from infancy into their mid-twenties. I have friends with children ranging from newborns to girls around the age of ten. Many of the girls have an assortment of toys, movies, and outfits that depict how society and their parents see them. Many adult women have agreed to let me use them as models for the “grown-up” portion of the project. I have a few events coming up ranging from the bar scene in San Francisco to Motorcycle Rally’s and Fire poi events. The adult photos will show how many women of my generation have molded into different aspects of society and some of them not so pretty and some more independent and beautiful.

The idea of the project is to show the many different sides to the once pink and frilly childhood of women that are now their own people with their own ideas, thoughts, and interests. The evolution of young women in a series of photographs that I believe many people will be able to relate to. Although each photo will be unique the theme will be the same.

Monday, September 26, 2011

It's Much More Complicated Than YOU Think

Looking at Stat's of my blog. Since my first on 4/21/11 I have had 607 reads on my 31 different posts [impressive considering] My most popular blog was "Rest Easy, No one is going to die" with a total of 47 reads. My average hits on each post is about 14 reads. <3 I must say. Thank you to those of you who read this babble.

So much has been on my mind lately. 

I was driving to work this morning thinking about the human brain. [Weird thing to think about at 8o'clock in the morning but whatever.] How do human's have such complex thoughts? Although most take it as an insult I think I am fairly simple minded. I do not like to think about extraterrestrial beings, I do not like to think about the earths core, I do not like to think about how we figured out there is something that moves faster than light that was recently discovered. I guess people are supposed to be curious creatures and as "dumb blonde" as this may sound... the thought of those things make my brain hurt. People go to school and learn which makes sense but it's all the details that screw me up. Like there are things SO small we cannot see them unless we use an extremely powerful microscope and these things make up everything. Writing about this subject I am sure many of you are shaking your heads at me but everything is so much more complex.

When you are a kid a rock is a rock, your thoughts are just thoughts, the stars are pretty and small little lights, you eat food because you are hungry, and you use your imagination to keep yourself entertained. I mean you have religion which is a whole other entity of confusion... kids just believe what their parents believe. [I just remember my nephew Brandon coming up to me when he was younger, "Aunt Megan, are you going to hell? I don't want you to go to hell." I told him I was because my sister is a turd and told him I don't believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I guess not the nicest thing to tell a 6 or 7 year-old but he knew I did not believe in the Christian religion and those who do not believe in Jesus go to hell... right? right? I could have lied and said that I will because I do... but I don't and I don't think lying to him would have been beneficial. However, I did go along with the going to hell part... why? Because. If I were to say "No I am not going to hell because it doesn't exist." How confused would he be?]

Everything is always just so complicated... that brings me to the next complicated issue of...

Relationships [Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuun]

As if you thought chemical compounds were complicated... relationships give it a run for it's money.

I talk about relationships a lot because I am struggling with thoughts about it daily. When do you know it is worth the fight and when should you jump ship? When do you put in full trust and when do you question what is going on? Why do relationships always remind me of a teeter-totter? How can you love someone so much and yet you still hurt them? Why does the flame start to flicker and occasionally go out? Why can't sex be exciting all the time? Why does the libido drop after things get stale? Why must people attempt to interfere? Why is the "other person" to blame when someone cheats instead of the person who cheated [Why yes I am mad at you but I am going to beat that bitch up!!!]? Why do people cheat on each other after being married for the majority of their lives? How do you know that you are ready to get married? When do you know you are ready to have children? Why do people hit their spouses? How do we as people not realize the power shift? How do people get trapped in a relationship where they are unhappy? When did we lose our sense of community? How will my life turn out?

The questions go on for days. Although my questions do not always relate to me some of them do. Most of the time however I look at other people and their experiences and panic that somehow things will turn out like that... just as other people have probably done with me.

Less complicated scenario:
The couple works to make money and works together to be happy. Although they argue it never get's out of hand or turns violent, they are able to communicate openly and honestly. They do things together because they enjoy each others company. They have inside jokes and their favorite songs. They keep the romance alive without money involved. They spend time away from each other and have time with friends away from the children. They have family and friends to help with the children. When they are away they can enjoy themselves. They may look at other people with interest but never to pursue. They have plans and goals and work together to achieve them. They may not be interested in each others personal hobbies like sports or knitting but they appreciate their loves interest in the subject and support them. When things go bad in life they are their for each other to support and help each other through. When they think about happiness they think about being with that person. [I guess a little cliche]

Real life:
Too many variations to things that go wrong.



[You like how the less complicated scenario has a higher word count... I crack myself up.]
Basically. No one wants to be a sucker. So we all put up guards and defense systems only to ruin something that could be good... or we are SO gullible we just don't believe anything could be wrong while everyone watches us with pity but never says anything because all the words would go unheard.




I wish I could say this was from a guy... nope, my little sister made me lunch. LOL


This weekend I went to the Folsom street fair in San Francisco and took pictures. [I won't share them here...] Basically it is a bondage festival. I am not into that sort of thing but it's always cool to see how other people are. So me and my two friends are making our way through the heavily packed half naked crowd trying to get to our destination and it just made me think about what I want. The lifestyle of partying, drugs, and alcohol is so not interesting to me. Honestly I just want to go to a party that has wine in glasses not red plastic cups. The scene of insanity is interesting but not appealing to me personally. I want a family oriented kind of life.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Women, Men, and Other Random Stuff

When did women become psycho materialistic money grubbing machines in the United States? [Is this not one of the best opening lines you have ever read...]

Ah ha! I will tell you when. At the start of the 19th century! Basically this whole ideology of "TRUE WOMANHOOD" came about. What is true womanhood you ask? [If you are not asking. Scroll down to read something else]

Where women are not only domestic and submissive but pious and pure. Let me break this down for you real quick. This is the time frame where having beautiful homes with beautiful furniture and vases and throw pillows and all the extra Martha Stewart home decorating started to come into play. Of course you still had lower class families but they aspired to be a "True Woman." So this is the time that women started competing to have better materialistic things [I mean having a few cows was pretty awesome but... lost it's coolness in this time period] Being submissive led to the whole manipulation ideal. You can't yell and scream at your husband... but you can subtly change his mind without him knowing it. [The man is the head but the woman is the neck which controls the direction] The word pious was unfamiliar to me... so it may be unfamiliar to you here is the definition. PIOUS. Basically stating that women should devote themselves to the church... those who don't are not a true woman so women started being fanatics spreading the word of god every which way condemning those who did not.

AND THEN comes the best part. A true woman must be pure. When the word pure is mentioned it is meaning women are basically ASEXUAL [Free from or unaffected by sexuality] Women wore corsets to constrict their movement making them less sexual [Oh how times have changed] Basically all women were meant to be uninterested in sex. Women did not think sexual thoughts and DEFINITELY did not enjoy it.

Let us please bow our heads in silence...

My photography class ties into my women's history class too. The 19th century is when they came out with the affordable camera. So then came pictures, floods of photos.

So then came advertising and the whole mind manipulation thing came into play.

So class that is your education part of this for today. lol

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Photography class has SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS. It is the best homework I have ever been assigned though... that's a definite.

Anyways. I have some serious shooting to do outside of class too.
  1. Mother & Son shoot in Oakland
  2. 2 Baby Bump shoots
  3. 80th Birthday Event 
  4. Baby Shower Event
  5. Tattoo Shoot
  6. B.Y.O.P. kid shoot/Event
The more I do it the better I will get. Plus the class has some really awesome techniques and camera usage that will really help me.

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So this is where my blog erased all the things I wrote. >_<
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A few days ago my friend posted on Facebook something that really made sense in a sick way....

"Relationships are the new Single"

So if you think about it. Our generation [Mine, yours, and future generations] have to deal with not only trying to keep our relationships in tact even more now but you have to deal with other people trying to take what is yours. [Using possessive not in a bad way... but in a relationship way... you give yourselves to each other... just to make that clear]

Another one of my friends pointed out [which I wrote about in a different blog]

"I can pull girls who have their boyfriends with them. They flirt undercover and if I don't take them home that night... I can the next."

I know you are now thinking, "What kind of friends are you hanging out with Megan?!" The answer to that is blunt ones. The sad thing is it is the truth, I have seen it with my own eyes on multiple occasions with different people of different groups. People may not say those things but Actions Speak Louder Than Words. You will always have someone trying to dip their hand in your cookie jar. It could be because they think they would be a better match for the person in the relationship, that they are jealous, that they are insecure with themselves, they want a good time, the excitement of trying, or just because they can. The list of reasons goes on forever. 

I read a study awhile ago about how men and women were not programed to stay in the same relationship forever. It was actually that a relationship between a man and a woman should be in a relationship for about 4 years. Just enough time to conceive a baby and have it grow into a toddler. I disagree with this solely for the fact that people can live together their whole lives and make it work AND be happy.

Before assimilation and the ruining of their culture. Native American groups [Not all] had a way of relationships that Man and Woman were together and had a family within their community. When one or both were unhappy they could actually leave that union... no harm, no foul, no drama. It was not like a divorce where property was divided and custody battles rang out... things basically remained the same except they no longer slept together. It is a really complex topic and does not apply to all. There is a lot more to it but I just wanted you to catch my drift.

Have you ever REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLY thought about marriage? Did you know the Roman's created the use of the rings for binding two people together? And did you know the reason for the ring being placed on your "ring finger" is because they say the strongest vein to your heart was located in your ring finger. Ta-da. The diamond was not expected until later [Which was brought in by the church] But I mean all these expectations and ideals and traditions.... just sort of were put into place.... mostly in part because of the church.

Sorry. I am basically swimming in a sea of thoughts right now. So many different things to talk about while trying to re-create the blog that I had already written.

Even with all this negative Nancy talk... I still enjoy the concept of marriage. Spending your life with one person... knowing them... being able to depend on each other... being with your best friend for the rest of your life. That is what marriage should be. Two people together trudging through the muddy waters together and holding hands.

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 Finding my blog was eaten by the internet monster makes me sad. I think I am done writing for now.

Monday, September 19, 2011

When I Shoot I Steal Your Soul

I absolutely, 100% LOVE taking pictures. It is all I think about. I look at proper nouns [People, places, and things Lol. I know you know that just wanted to put it in brackets] in a whole new light. Every topic has a picture connected to it. I feel as though I am constantly restless. I just want to be outside or around people.

This whole photography thing is great for me. It gives me focus and purpose. I started a mini photo album of pictures I find worthy. Normally I just take a million pictures like the paparazzi but then post ALL of them. This album is more unique.

I may have a photography job here coming up in Oakland for a friend of a friend. Simple shots. Her and her son at a park made into black and white. Since it is out in Oakland and she wants large prints I think I am going to ask $70-$100. That way it covers gas, toll, and printing with a little extra cash. We shall see.

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I know you all are probably tired of reading the same thing over and over again. But I am slowly putting my craft dream together. Plus, if I mass produce maybe I can open my boutique. [Lol, I just wish I had Chris' last name... can you imagine the possibilities. "Good Day Boutique" "Day in the Life Boutique" and I would get the business name for cheap because "Good Jefferies Boutique" is not as catchy. LOL] I am going to need designs to use in the resin. I may start utilizing my friends craftiness and work something out to give them a percentage of sales. Hm.

October will be a new month I will be able to start new projects with the money I get from the paycheck. Hopefully one day I will be my own boss.

Speaking of crafty. There is an Erotic Art Show in SF this weekend with FREE admission. Should be a pretty good time. 

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There are so many things I want to do. I know patience is a virtue but I WANT IT NOW.  I am so motivated. This fall season there are a few things I want to do. 

Brianne and I have already set up the fall party. BYOP theme. [Bring Your Own Pumpkin] Lots of crafts and food for parents, relatives, and kiddos. It will be fun. Definitely going to make a dent in my pocket but with everyone bringing something I know it will be well worth it.

Two very important things to complete this month. The Dixon corn maze. Every year I say I want to go back. AND EVERY YEAR I NEVER GO. This year the maze is on 45 acres and once again has made the Guinness book of world records. If it means I have to go alone and get lost in a maze. I WILL DO IT. It only cost's $10. It would be nice to get a large group of people to go... 21 have already RSVP'd but I doubt all of them will attend. Also I want to go to Apple Hill. Everyone always says how amazing it is... and I have never been which makes me sad.

So I am determined to make this Fall and exciting and memorable one. 

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This past weekend was a memorable one. Friday after work Julia taught me how to use a sewing machine, which seems fairly simple... now I have another investment to make. I had SLOW FALL come to my house and sell feather earrings and other jewelry on Saturday. Partied in SF that night. Sunday I had two birthday parties to attend so there was a lot of involvement with little kids which actually turned out quite well. 

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I am overwhelmed in homework and in reading. SO MANY PROJECTS. I really wish I had some magical way to either slow time or add more time. 

This is how I feel. LOL
I cannot stop myself from making plans and doing things. I think it is because things to do come up one at a time. "Hey Megan, wanna do something this weekend" And I think to myself. Yeah! Why not. I have time...

This is not the case. I do not have time. I should not be going anywhere or doing anything. I should be at home reading until my eyes bleed. [Side note: I was going to put in a picture of eyes bleeding. Be thankful I didn't.]

Not sure if I mentioned this already or not But I quit Barnes and Noble. I really hate that I had to do it but I was in a corner of time and energy and the job lost in the epic battle of sanity.

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I really need new information to talk about. Feel free to make suggestions. I will write about almost anything. Really it is all just random babble anyways.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Unknown Territory

 Natalie brought up a quote from an August Burns Red song.

"the truth hurts but denial's what will kill you"
Lately the thought of lies, denial, truth, and everything in between have been rolling around in my head like a pin ball in a machine. 

My Brain

I mean if you think about it in any given situation you have three options. 
  1. Find out the truth, something once you learn you CAN NEVER give back. When you find the truth everything changes. Your thought process speed up and things will never be as they once were. The healing process however is able to start and you can rip down the walls to build a stronger foundation after the pain subsides or you have the chance to move on with your life.
  2. Not seek the truth but live in ignorance. "What they don't know won't kill them" as I have heard a million times before. It also fits together with the saying ignorance is bliss. If you don't know you don't have to worry, you don't have to hurt, you don't have to think, you don't have to over-analyze, you can believe that nothing is wrong even though everything is crumbling around you.
  3. Live in ignorance but inevitably find out the truth from some random source. Over time I have found out information from text messages, phone calls, letters, emails, facebook, other people's conversations, or just a plain slip of the tongue. When this happens it is like a kick in the teeth. It is embarrassing. You think to yourself How could I have gone so long without knowing, why did I not catch it, who else knew and never spoke about it, do those people not care about me also, how am I supposed to react, how long have I been ignorant, what else do I not know and do I even want to know. 

How do you mend the broken pieces if you don't know exactly what broke?

 

The really strange thing is... I am in a place of limbo. Some things are good. Some things are bad. Somethings are getting better. Somethings I am moving away from.


______________________________________________________
 
 
I had a dream last night. It was strange. A friend of mine was interested in me in a different way and was very adamant about taking things to the next level. Although tempting I was not interested. I was given a desk. It was bright dark blue. it had drawers and shelves and was the perfect size for my living space. All I was thinking was, "Jesus. Who paints such an awesome dresser such an ugly color. If I strip it I can paint it a color that will work better for me" Then my friend went out front with the double doors open and started smoking on the porch. My dad was at his computer where he always is and was like "What the hell is that?" So I told my friend that my dad hates smoke. 

Then I woke up. Not a very significant dream with battles or anything epic like that. It was weird none the less. 

WHO DREAMS ABOUT DESKS?!?! Not to mention I want to know why this friend was in my dream in the first place but I think the desk relates back to my craft itch. 

Even my friends make fun of me jokingly. "Megan look. Crafts!" [Bwhahahaha]

I want to be a stay at home person. I have enough outlets with the people I know [whom are all awesome by the way] I have friends in different age groups, social class, etc... I would not go crazy like most people at home do I would be able to form networking groups and creep my way up the crafty business chain of command. 
Talking and planning is one of my strong points. It is committing and doing that I am not so great at. This idea I have has been twirling inside my head for months now. Plus, with each month I could use my extra spending cash as an investment to start new projects. So instead of partying I could be using the money as a step closer to a goal I have set.
  • Scented Heat Bags
  • Resin Jewelry
  • Soap
  • Candles
  • Custom Etched Glass
  • Earring holders
  • Vintage clothing
Plus if I ever get to spend some time with my mom... she is a NINJA beader. She comes up with extremely awesome jewelry which if I learn her tricks of the trade there is another outlet. [Or I can just sell her jewelry to get people on my site.]  Which SPEAKING OF SITE. My co-worker is a graphic designer. I have mentioned website design and although she normally charges like $3,000 for a full site [crazy right] She said she makes sites for friends and family for free. So I could skip etsy.com and just go straight to my own website... I am sort of getting ahead of myself. But yes. I have ideas and I need to put them into action.

______________________________________________________

Ashley and Adam are moving to England. I am sad because Ashley is one of two long time girlfriends [Logan is just all over the place.] and she will no longer be just the next town over... but I am excited because not only is she starting a new page of her life but she is going to FREAKING ENGLAND. Oh you don't even know how jealous I am. I love the United Kingdom, I love the values, the culture, the accent, the diversity, the customs, the ideals, their fashion, and their shops. I love their music and their television. 

I got a passport JUST so I could go to Europe. Everything is so connected there.  I have no stamps in my passport and I received it in 2006.

Anyways. With Ashley and Adam in England and Ashleigh and Aman in Germany I now have people to visit when I go. I am planning on taking two weeks off next year and flying out.The excitement is building. I am thinking May or maybe a bit later.

______________________________________________________

Friday, September 9, 2011

Underestimate Peoples Misery While Overestimating Their Happiness

When you put all your cards on the table, it is much easier to lose your money. 

I keep over-thinking everything. It is to the point where I plan so much during the weekend and then have a hard time controlling it. I am trying to stop that.

Plan for This weekend
  • After work meet Brian at Barnes, check my schedule.
  • Go home.
  • Do homework
  • Take my car to Tiffany's T4W
  • Ride my motorcycle to Dixon
  • Spend a majority of the day at Renegade Rendezvous
  • Attempt to sell my motorcycle
  • Possibly work at Barnes
  • Stay home and do homework
Exciting right? I am just out of control with planning, planning, planning. I never give myself time to just figure out something to do. Megan does not do down time. There are no moments where I sit and think... hm. What should I do now? It's like every second needs some kind of task or plan. It is sick really.

I just need to take a second to be able to do nothing.


I don't mind putting my "ish" on blast. I am looking for therapy. I need help to sort out my thoughts. It's like my brain carries an automatic weapon of thoughts and just shoots the place up all the time. I am constantly trying to correct things and analyze things.

Life is good to me. I have a dad who was willing to take his 24-year-old daughter back in, I have a car, I have manageable debt, I have a job [Technically 2], I am able to go to college, I have a WHOLE bunch of AWESOME people as friends, I have a great bond with my mother now, I have a little sister who is totally ride or die, and I am capable of doing many things. 

Sometimes it is just hard to handle the past. [The past is something that creeps up and SMACKS YOU IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD as Logan would say "KAPOW"] I need help in the ways of my relationships, the ways of dealing with negative energy from the past and from not being taught how to control my explosive anger and my non-ability to have balance. I am known for my Stage 5 Clinger abilities. It's like I have a hard time being a girlfriend and having my own life... which I know is totally unhealthy. 

Today is a bad day. It started out bad. I woke up in an irritable mood. Then I come to work and find out people are doing things that involve me without confirming it first. Bad days are not my friends. However, I think it is because I don't give myself enough time to sleep. I just want to go home and cuddle with Kobe. Whoever says pit bulls are vicious has never cuddled with one. 

I bought my camera. I returned my old one which gave me credit towards the Nikon D3100. I have two lenses, a carrying case, and some tips and tricks DVD's and Books. Here it is in all it's glory I am really excited about it. Pictures come out so much more defined. With pictures I am able to think outside of the box so I am sure my photography skills will be awesome. We received our first REAL assignment. It is titled "Getting to know your camera" we have to take 11 different shots to get use to the camera's abilities. F-stop, shutter speed, zoom, depth of field, etc... I also was able to talk to my professor about my final project idea. He liked it and "looks forward to see how it turns out." 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

To All The Girls I've Loved Before...


When I was in middle school I listened to Wyclef Jean's album "The Carnival" every.single.day. I knew most of the lyrics. I even attempted the Creole lyrics [Never was successful] 

 Lately I think I have been PMS'ing. [Because you need to know this lol] Although my posts are pretty happy and optimistic, I have had this feeling of confusion and emptiness. I mean my life is pretty sweet right now. I have awesome friends, awesome family, things to do, money to make, and food on the table. I am at my peak, my motivation is at all all time high and I know what I am going to achieve [Wellllllllllll, not completely... but the general idea.]

But even with all of that I am having an emotional battle. The whole relationship/dating scene makes me sick to my stomach. I am heartbroken that things did not work out the way it was planned [I should know things never go as planned by now when other people are involved.] I wanted to pay off my debt, finish school, buy a house, get married, and have babies. I had basically taken vows in my head saying I would love one man for the rest of my life. If I could stand him at his worst, then I definitely could love him at his best. 

So when plans changed, things fell apart. I definitely can say that I take things too seriously. I want a clean house, I want to make money, I want to have an education, I want to wake up for work on time, I want to work earlier in the day, I want to be productive. I don't want to look back on my life and see that my early twenties all I did was party. Alcohol is NOT the key to life. I mean as fun as it may be to let go of the "boring" life, I really like the boring life.

 It is safe. I love security. I love knowing what exactly I said the night before. Every now and then being able to go out dance, party, and be a "Woo Girl" 

How I met your mother: Explanation of a woo girl
"A Woo Girl," Old Ted's voice over explained, "is a type of young woman, who like the cuckoo bird or the Whip-Poor-Will, gets get name from the signature sound she makes."

"Wooooo!"

"A woo can be elicited from a certain song coming on the jukebox ("Sweet Home Alabama" plays); to half-priced shots; from a ride on a mechanical bull; to, well, pretty much anything,"
"The world absolutely needs Woo Girls. If there were no Woo Girls, there would be no 'Girls Gone Wild,' no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars. All of the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone."

"Those are none of those things --" Lily tried to interject, but Barney continued. "The souvenir shot-glass industry would collapse; so would the body-glitter industry -- and, the stretch Hummer rental industry. Tiny cowboy hats would be worn only by tiny cowboys. And when 'Brown- Eyed Girl' would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear ... would be silence .... and 'Brown-Eyed Girl.' But who would 'woo,' Lily? Who would 'woo'? Would you? Would you ... 'woo'?"
 
 I enjoy the times where I can be a little over ridiculous. But I really enjoy family life. Even if there were no kids involved I still consider what I had a family unit... we worked together towards a similar goal [at least for awhile] 


I will admit I have my problems: I am a bagger. I shove all my negative emotions into a mental bag then when the opportunity arises when the bag gets too full I swing it at whomever is closest and with full force. I am tired A LOT, it has to do with me being irresponsible with my medication and being TOO productive. If plans do not work as planned I usually am discouraged and don't want to go. Being on time is HUGE. If I am late or eff off before I am supposed to be somewhere I just don't go [hence the reason I failed a lot of classes in the past] I also am known for my explosive anger [which relates back to being a bagger] it usually happens when I am shitty drunk and something sparks a fuse... I blow. Over-reacting, saying terrible things, punching things, trying to break things... basically a self-destruct mode. [I have to say... some things are unintentionally passed down through generations] It is not often, but often enough to where it is no longer tolerable. Oh and the list goes on...


Maybe the reason I am so torn up is because I have no idea what is really going on. 
Maybe it is because I am never really single. 
Maybe it is because I planned my entire life around him and I.
Maybe it is because I am PMS'ing.


Yeah. I think I will blame it on PMS'ing. Now on to the next thought. [But I think that was a very constructive piece of blog work if I do say so myself]




I love photography, the whole "Painting with light" "A photo is worth 1,000 words" So in my photography class. I am one of 4 or 5 students who have a point and shoot camera. The other 25+ students have a Digital SLR. The images you can shoot with a digital SLR are so much more defined. You can adjust the picture so much. I know that it is not so much the camera but the photographer that makes worthwhile pictures but I think with my creativity and motivation I can not only get some awesome shots I can help out friends and family. 


The downside to a digital SLR is that they are bigger and definitely not bar cameras. But that is okay with me. I will just invest in a tripod and will calm down on the bar scene! Ta-da. Solutions. 


I really hope this works out for me. Maybe I can take pictures for cost + donations. LOL


NEXT THOUGHT

 I am not a religious woman. I don't even like to think about it. I would rather just live my life and deal with after death consequences when I get there. However, I do believe in the 7 deadly sins.


Side note... I love the modeling ideas Americas Next Top Model comes up with. 

A lot of the sins can be groups together in an intricate form to make an even larger, ugly beast. I am just going to go over my thoughts on them.


 Pride: It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour."
 
Envy: those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it. Dante defined this as "a desire to deprive other men of theirs."

Pride and Envy to me seem to me to be tied together more often than not. You see attractive women and men who are so full of pride that they actually crush others emotionally to "stay on top" and those who are envious will slash from below to take people down to be at the point of "pride." I think it is natural to have wants and desires. But the grass on the other side is normally AstroTurf, fake and dead underneath. 


I read a side piece in Cosmo [I know I know] which was quite interesting, it was about how on social networks [Facebook] people overestimate  peoples happiness and underestimate the same persons unhappiness "She has so many friends, she always has a good time, she has all these things. She must be so happy. Look at her relationship oh the pictures are so cute.There is no way she is ever sad. She is so this and that and the other" Then here is the kicker. It makes the person thinking those things feel worse about themselves, "How can she be so happy and I am not? Is something wrong with me? Why don't I do those things? I bet she never feels this way..." So if you look at it. We are basically screwing our own happiness and what... because of Pride and Envy? It is a fine line between. 

There are times when I do this myself. I will wonder how relationships are so awesome, why someone has all this going on when I am working my ASS off, wonder how people can afford nice cars and clothes, etc... I mean it is natural to a point [refer back to the AstroTurf] But when I really start to think about people and their wonderful lives... you have to think about what is going on behind the scenes. I am quite impressed with my skills of guessing people's hidden problems but people have outer and inner selves. What they say or do on a non-personal level probably is hiding something underneath.

Gluttony: the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy.

Greed: like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power.

 Anything in excess is bad. Smoking is bad, eating is bad, money is bad [although makes things easier... but what you do to get more of it is possibly bad]

Lust: is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Aristotle's criterion was excessive love of others, which therefore rendered love and devotion to God as secondary

Ah lust, you dirty dirty thing you. Now I am one who is extremely interested in sexual behaviors, sexual health, and biology of sex. I find it natural and normal. I believe in sexual freedom and sex education. I think sexuality is something that should be embraced and nurtured. I think that although there are extremes I don't think people should be ridiculed for their behaviors or fantasies. I may not like many of the things considered "odd" by our culture and may not want to participate but if someone else is into it. By all means if it is not hurting anyone go forth. 

I was talking with a friend the other day and cheating was brought up. "You know why people cheat? It is because it is available. All I have to do is walk up to a girl and EVEN IF she has a boyfriend with her... there is still a possibility of me taking her home or at least meeting her some other time" 

*sickness rising up to my throat* Ugh. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!  

The sad thing. It is true. I have seen it in play. I have watched as both men and women [single and not] flirt, touch, kiss, and even go home with someone they BARELY KNOW.

And why you ask? Because it is available. Women have it easier than men. I mean all I have to do is walk into a predominately male bar and smile at a guy and ta-da. 

Just because I can, does not mean I do. I mean I am not against the whole sleeping around bit. Whatever tickles your pickle is fine. What I am not okay with is cheating, lying, and being deceitful. If your wife is at home taking care of your kids, do not go to a bar to pick up on chicks. [As a bartender you see this a lot. There is like a don't ask don't tell policy. Quite disturbing actually] Don't commit to something that you are not going to follow through on. Don't play the game. Don't toy with people. Not only is it wrong [In my opinion] but it is JUST.NOT.NICE.
Sloth: Believed to be the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts. The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter. Since this contrasts with a more willful failure to, for example, love God and his works, sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

Sloth is another one that kills me.  You see people who bitch and moan and complain and whine and yadda yadda yadda [I've done it so I am not saying I am saintly] You know what. It is like that quote:
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
–Albert Einstein
Everyone has something that they are good at. What I am good at you may not be good at but you can probably do something that I could not do. So before bitching. Use your skills necessary. 

Wrath: also known as "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. Wrath, in its purest form, presents with self-destructiveness, violence, and hate that may provoke feuds that can go on for centuries. Wrath may persist long after the person who did another a grievous wrong is dead. Feelings of anger can manifest in different ways, including impatience, revenge, and vigilantism. Wrath is the only sin not necessarily associated with selfishness or self-interest (although one can of course be wrathful for selfish reasons, such as jealousy, closely related to the sin of envy).

This is one of the sins that I have a harder time with. I mean for the most part I am quite good at being happy, optimistic, and very go-lucky. However at certain turn of events I have been known to express pure indisputable rage. It is better to forgive than to dwell in things that cannot be changed. However, it is difficult to let go of things that have hurt you the fight adrenaline kicks in and remembering we are human and make mistakes practically disappears. 


Hm.


I must say I think this is my best blog yet. 


On a last note. Go outside. Close your eyes and inhale. It is a beautiful day. Be glad that you are alive and well. Things may be hard but there are many people who love you and care about you. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and you have many things to contribute to the world.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Rest Easy, No One Is Going To Die

So much to talk about it is not even funny. I am actually afraid once I start writing I will forget.

  • Stuff
  • Craftiness
  • Documenting a week in your life project
  • Women and Disney
  • Photography Project and the want for a Digital SLR
  • Dirty dirty men


So I bought a magnetic white board for my room. You know most women go completely nuts over shoes or make-up or other things. I go nuts over office supplies. You probably think I am kidding. But this is a serious thing....

[Okay I don't go THAT crazy]

... So I bought a magnetic white board for myself which I have wanted for awhile now. I was standing in Target looking at the selection thinking should I get this one... but what about that one. Etc... etc... it actually took me quite awhile and then I had to make sure it was in perfect condition. Never go with me to Target, we will be there for awhile. 

 It is early. But I am still excited about Dry Erase Markers.

Also, my friend Ashley sent me a link from this site from Wanelo.com WHY IN GODS NAME DID SHE HAVE TO DO THAT!! I am hook, line, and sinker over this site. Like seriously. Stuff, shopping, and things you find online. 

 Where else are you going to find an owl tea set as cute as this? It does make me want to go to Bella Terra and paint my own owl tea set. I think I have the craft skills to pay the bills. Ha Ha.

I also want to make buttons and I still want to paint Day Of The Dead Skulls and I need to learn how to sew so I can make pin-up style clothing. [Oh the list goes on]
I did actually start the Documenting A Week Of Your Life. Which I got the idea from this site: Documenting A Week It really is a brilliant idea and I am having a lot of fun thinking outside of the box. I cannot wait to see what the end result will be.

 I made this handy dandy little notebook as a mini-journal just to keep track of my ideas. By the end of one week I forget a lot of the little details [Which is why I am doing this project... To document little details.]

I still need to decorate my little journal and I will stick it into the Week Journal. A journal within a journal. Hmmm. 

So I am 100% sure I will have EXTREME mixed feelings from people about this subject and trust me I AM NOT TRYING TO JUDGE YOU. But Disney destroys little girls. Think about it.   


Think about it. As little girls we are told, "Oh you are a princess, you look so pretty, here is a kitchen set, you want to play with dolls, you want tea parties, etc..." We are raised to be dormant and to be housewives. We are raised to depend on men. We are raised thinking that one day we will find this guy like prince charming who will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. 

Uhm. No. That is not how shit works. 

It drives me absolutely freaking insane. Cause a lot of the girls who you see have had a stage [or are currently in one... or never get out of it...] where they have low self esteem, NEED A GUY to be happy, wear incredibly small outfits and act slutty [not dogging it. Do what you gotta do.] 
It's just we are taught pretty is better than being intelligent. Being passive is better than being aggressive. Being sugar and spice is the status quo. 

Excuse my language but FUCK THAT. 

If I ever have a daughter she will never be raised as a damsel in distress but I won't make her into a tom boy either. I just want a well balanced child [Girl or Boy... does not matter.] Who knows how important education is, how to stand up for themselves, who cares about other people, and appreciates the little things. So if I ever have a girl and you have her watch Cinderella I am going to punch you in the face. [♥ You have been warned ♥] 

I have noticed while blogging my thoughts are so spastic. As you can probably tell none of this is REALLY planned. I sort of just start typing. I normally don't even go back to check it... Now you are like... "Oh, that is why her spelling and grammar sucks" Yeah. Because I don't really care when I am blogging. It is like a mind dump. Thoughts and Ideas are just sort of spit out through my fingers and they just so happen to land here.

You are welcome internet.

 I want a fancy camera. I want a digital SLR camera. And I think my parents [Mom and Dad] should combine their forces and buy me one for Christmas. This will never happen because they don't read my blog... well my mom might. And it is like an $800 camera [Costco has PRETTY SWEET DEALS] 

I don't think I will ever get rid of my point and shoot because it's easy and it is replaceable. Drop it drunkenly a few times and whoops time to buy a new one. This camera would be used for projects. For a portfolio I would never really use besides making my friends happy. [You want to be a model... okay lets pretend... you have kids but no family photos. Okay why not. That sort of thing]

I am really looking forward to the projects in my photography class though. We are going to have to emulate the style of a well-respected photographer which will be assigned to us. Another will be we have to pretend we are a photographer for a magazine. 

The final will be a series of 20 photographs that relate to one another via a common theme or concept that evoke strong feelings. Other students have done things like the SPCA, A Boating accident and recovery, Graffiti in SF, The Navy Ships, etc... I have to come up with an idea BY September 29th. I am trying to think of something ABSOLUTELY AWESOME but I always do this to myself where nothing seems good enough or I add too much and cannot handle the load. 

*le Sigh*


Anyways. The male race is full of surprises. I just keep having REALLY WEIRD things happen. I don't know why some people do the things they do but I definitely can't seem to understand it OR trust it. I know girls and guys are capable of EVIL deeds, but I don't want to be a part of that weird shit... my goal is to be happy and help those around me to be happy. That is all.

o_O <-- I've got my eye on you.