Monday, October 24, 2011

A Lighthouse In This Hellish Storm

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart has 52 page views. It has been one hell of a week.

Last Monday it was decided that Chris and I were going to give up on attempting relationship counseling to save the seven some odd years we have invested into each other. At first I was fine and then I was sad and then I was angry and now I feel anxious but more in control. There is no need to feel badly it is just hard to imagine him with someone else, I couldn't imagine losing my best friend... my confidant... the person I could rely on to help me through hard times. My heart ached knowing I was going to lose out on the memories like his nieces baptism and being with his family. The fact we could not make memories together any longer, hurt.

Seriously. I felt like shit... I had lost a friend to death and I had lost someone I was madly in love with in the same week. What a blow to self-esteem. Yet, I had an epiphany. I was sitting on my floor in my disaster of a room and it hit me like a bag of rocks in the face. This is my moment to take control. Chris and I will always love each other and as much as I enjoy being in his presence I have a theory.

Don't worry I am not beating myself up over it, nor am I saying he is the bad guy. But I am relieving myself of the need to try to fix us. If he wouldn't have left I would have forever tried. Constantly struggling to find a balance I would never achieve and he would always feel as if I didn't care about him.

I definitely wish things were different. I wish we could have caught the problems in the beginning. If we were to have gone to counseling I think this would have been discovered and we may have been able to figure something out. I know I am slightly still in denial... and I catch myself thinking about him a lot... wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. I mean I have no idea how he feels.

This is the first time after ANY breakup that I have not found myself attached to some other guy and although I was advised by many, I do not feel like "enjoying my single days" If I am asked on a date I may say yes if I am interested... but I am not on the prowl. I don't need that attention. I am confident in who I am and I know I have things to accomplish. Plus, the whole sexual aspect makes life SO COMPLICATED. I am not ready for complications. All I need right now is to focus on myself and surround myself with friends.

Right now many of my friends are hurting, they are feeling the way I was feeling. They have the weight from Devon on their shoulders. I may not be the strongest person but when it comes to the people I love and care about I put my battle face on equipped with the support they may need at any given time. People who need that companionship or shoulder to cry on have me... because I am strong enough to carry that burden. I am not however, strong enough to carry the weight of relationship problems at this moment... Normally I can bare it but relationship drama at this moment is like a slap in the face.

I sorta got off track with creating the cycle picture [I still love Micrcosoft Paint] back to the epiphany. I am a busy person I fill my time with the most random things. I am here I am there I am pretty much everywhere. Too much downtime is a waste of time and I have become side tracked. Devon and Chris are gone, does this mean I should lie around in bed crying all day... No, it means that this is the push I need to get things I need to handle HANDLED. I am getting pretty good grades this semester and after this I have one more semester left until I get my associates in liberal arts with the emphasis on social sciences. Right now I am living rent free, which means I need to cancel out ALL my debt. Once I am debt free I will be able to save. When I am able to save I can move forth. Also, I am attempting the feat of leaving some 11 or so years of smoking behind me, I want to live a long life and be able to have that money for things like [hopefully] Europe and Germany next year once I get my AA.
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
My cousin posted that today. It fits well with how I have been feeling. Although I am not completely sane at the moment I am determined to make myself the best person I can possibly be. Feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past changes nothing. It's like I keep telling myself, I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. 

The positive things I do today will help me have a better tomorrow.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart

I wish I were in London. I wish I could be at some pub listening to the hustle and bustle of people. Drinking a pint of some beer I don't really like [because I like Bud light] but I would drink the English stuff just because. I wish I could hear the accents and listen to a group of friends laughing and another man complaining about how his wench of a wife is driving him crazy. I want to sit alone at my table, closing my eyes and hearing everything but thinking nothing. I want to see cobble streets and legitimate bakeries. Keep your cupcakes, I'd like a loaf of bread. I could go to a cafe and be bundled up and sit by a fireplace drinking a latte. I want to be where I can find peace of mind. I am not looking for a party and no one is looking to party with me. I am just a face on the street, a glance but nothing more. I wish I could be in London so I could go to the Florence and The Machine concert. People would be excited but I would just be able to feel her emotion....

Once you have that outright exhausting cry, where you can't breathe, your entire face is wet with tears, you have snot running like it's being chased by the police, and your whole soul feels empty... you can have that moment of nothing. The moment where you can no longer be sad but you can't truly feel happy. It's like you, as a person, are void from existence. The saying, The lights are on but, no ones home comes to mind. I am just sort of numb. I don't want to just lie in bed, I feel like walking. Walking to no where and bringing my camera. My $800 something dollar camera that my dad thinks I should return because I am in debt. I considered it, thinking with my rational brain rather than my emotional. However, I don't think I am going to. You only live once and although I don't condone throwing away money, what I do with my camera makes me happier than anything else I have ever done. I capture souls of people. You may change over time and things may happen but once I have you in that form you are mine forever and you have no where you can go. You don't age, you don't disappoint, and you certainly don't die. 

There have been thoughts in my head about losing friends... but I never really had to experience it. People die all the time and I feel very sorry for the people who lose them but no one at that extreme closeness level has died. My grandpa passed away and I was sad for my family, my Granny passed away and I was sad for my dad, My friends parents died and it killed me but not for me but for my friends and their future, My uncle passed away and again I was sad but mostly for my dad. It's like when people die, of course I am sad, of course my heart hurts, and of course I wish it didn't happen. But when I look at it... MY people didn't die. The people that I have made my own. The friends that have been with me through thick and thin. The people who are involved in my daily life. They don't die. They stay with me so we can stay friends forever. So no matter how much time has passed we are still friends and can pick up where we left off. Well except for Devon. Devon died. He felt that moment of anguish where death would prove a point and end his struggle. Devon took his own life, without realizing how badly he would hurt the ones around him. How his friend would call every coroner to prove it wrong. How she would drive home and fall into her little sisters arms in the middle of her court and cry. Then make her way into her room and lay on her bed-less floor trying not to hyperventilate. How she would drive to a friends house and see many other friends who she NEVER wanted to cry be embraced in her arms as they wept. Seeing men not know how to feel sadness so anger and avoidance sets in. Devon did not think of these things. I know the pain will subside and everyone will remember him but move on with their lives. We cannot feel sorrow or guilt forever. We will never know the exact reason. We will never know what he was thinking... and we will have to move forward. It's just heartbreaking knowing he won't be around. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thoughts In An Untamed Mind

It's been awhile. 

I've been thinking I want a party. Not a crazy rager type party where there is beer pong and chaos and people passed out on the floor. But a quaint, humble, theme party. Where people come a little early and leave by midnight. I want to make fancy drinks and have finger foods and soft music playing in the background but just be able to chat with people. Oh how I love simplicity. 

Anywho, this weekend is the B.Y.O.P. Party. [bring your own pumpkin] I have NO IDEA how many kids are coming. The set up is we are meeting at a park. Parents are supposed to bring their kids, pumpkins, and a dish to share. 
  • I am going to take Fall pictures of their kids. 
  • The kids will make Fall Hand Trees
  • They will decorate their pumpkins
  • They will play at the park
I have tables and need to stop by party city to buy plates, napkins, and all that jazz. A lot of effort is going into this because my sister always talks about having a fall party. I tried to help and then accidentally took over... which definitely was not the plan. I just wanted to make sure she had her party this year and I thought it would be fun if my friends with kids could come along too since many of the things I do are not kid friendly.  I am worried because although the weather should be nice, this is an outside event and things can go terribly wrong. But we shall see. No need to stress it is about having a good time.

I am going to start working on my "Famous Photographer Imitation" project. I was given the photographer Jeanloup Sieff. I have to have 10 photo's mimicing his style. 

Just a few examples of what I am going to try to mimic. Lots of black and whites. Thankfully I have friends willing to help. As of this moment I think I have six different people which is pretty awesome. 

I attempted a "Baby Bump" Shoot with my friend Noemi. Although some pictures turned out pretty awesome, we are going to have a round two. Pregnant women are definitely trickier to shoot because you have to get the right angle and don't want them to be uncomfortable. I was hoping to upload photo's but Blogger is not being my friend right now.