The Sun Ain't Got Nothin' On You Honey

I have been thinking about writing a blog since this whole thing happened. There are so many thoughts and feelings.

Because we all are going through it... I figured I would post the 5 Stages Of Loss. No one goes through these the same... but we will all go through them at some point in the healing process.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

There are no words that can express the feelings of loss. It is like a hole is drilled into your heart and never heals, just fills with mindless things to cover the pain. Michelle's death was no one's fault. She was stubborn... so stubborn as she laid unable to move on the floor barely able to breath she told me she was fine. She never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted any help. The fact people are placing blame on others makes my heart hurt. I understand it is a coping mechanism... but if you are placing blame you never even knew Michelle. She would never want anyone to feel bad about this... she would never want hurtful words to be thrown around. That was never who she was, so by people using words to hurt others is absolutely mind blowing. I guess that is just life though.

I have mixed feelings about being the one who found her. I know Chris would have been there if he had his own truck... but it was probably better that I was down the street and beat everyone else he called there. I can still picture it in my head. I still remember the feeling of panic welling up in my chest. I am glad I can handle those situations with grace. All I wanted to do is yell and cry and vomit and everything all at once... instead I talked in my teacher voice... calm and reassuring.

What's up honey?
Everything is going to be fine.
I am calling the ambulance.
What is this address?
I'll be right back.
Found the address!
They will be here soon.

I am going to move your arm, it has to be numb.
Can you feel this hand?
That's good.
What about this hand?
Okay. Great.

The good thing is, you will probably get amazing drugs.
Morphine!!!
I am going to crate the dogs so they don't scare the paramedics.
Don't worry about anything.
This is just a bump in the road that we will talk about years from now.
I will grab your clothes so you have something to change into.
I can't find your phone charger.
The last thing we want to do is panic.
I will meet you at the hospital.
Everything is going to be fine.
I will see you soon.

I will never get that image of her out of my head. I asked my friend who is a firefighter how he lives with the images. He just apologized and told me his way is not the way it is supposed to be. I honestly was afraid to sleep the first few nights. I was afraid the event would replay over and over again. I totally respect paramedics, firefighters, military, nurses, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has to see things. It doesn't go away... you just store it in a different part of your brain and hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. So far so good.

She was put in the ambulance and that is the last time she was conscious. Those are the last things she heard. Me telling her everything was going to be fine. Obviously nothing is fine. We lost one of our own to something so unexpected and honestly... quite stupid. I mean I figured one of us would die of alcohol poisoning or a car accident. Sick and sad... but more plausible than fucking pneumonia. I spent a majority of the day in my calm -everything is going to be okay- state. I mean I was watching people crack around me... and I tried so hard to keep together and to keep positive. Watching her die the first time was enough. Chest compression for 30 minutes, having people crying, me crying, everything just seeming to be one big blur. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate but then had to remind myself that no good would come from me passing out.

We have had event's in her honor, people have been over at the house practically every night, we've laughed/cried/freaked out and pretty much everything in between. Depending on who you are depends on how you have seen me. Now I am alone and it's calming. It's like the burden of her death weighs heavy on my mind but I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to protect anyone, I don't have to do anything... it is just me, my cat, and my computer.

It all comes back to that same thing of me being more social on the internet. I love everyone and enjoy spending time with people close to me... but sometimes I just want to have time with my thoughts... the internet is a way for me to analyze how I feel and what I am thinking. Granted... you guys think I type a lot but in reality you only read a portion of what I write. I think, I type, I erase, then I type some more.

Everyone knows how much I love to take photos. Everyone gives me shit for the amount of photos I take. Is it strange that I felt guilty for the lack of photos I had of Michelle when going through my files? I swore I would have so many. I think I only had about 75 of my own. Now I am just thinking of what happens if someone else dies... What if I don't get enough "good" photos. I guess I will have to start doing photo shoots with everyone just to ensure I have "good" pictures. Michelle was supposed to model for me but we just never made time for it.

I really didn't get very many. We had so many times we hung out but I just never brought my camera. It was just another day of another week of another month. But now looking back all those random days made up our friendship. Like our time at Str8 Shooters... we SUCKED at beer pong so we just would try to distract the other team. Everyone thought we were sisters and we would just LAUGH... She is so petite and I am so gigantic. But we were blonde so I guess that is what mattered. And whenever she would get antsy because she drank too much I would just pick her up and walk... wouldn't really walk to anywhere in particular... maybe just a couple laps around the bar but she would calm down and wouldn't try to bite anyone. HAHA. She got me good once and I was like... WOMAN!! I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND I'LL LOOK LIKE A WHORE! I laughed so hard even though it hurt. Jacob and I lived with her and Chris the last week of June because my roommates were assholes. We spent time at the lake buddied up while all the boys were being crazy and we even went to the wine and spirits thing together in Berkeley. We discovered there is a lake in Oakland that we were planning to go back to when the weather got warmer [I am still going to go and I will bring her picture]. I realized how much information her brain could store when we went to Dillon's beach. As I was driving she was pointing out different plants telling me their scientific name. Bubbly ass Michelle was full of knowledge and could pull that shit out on a whim. She was an amazing co-worker. If I didn't take a shift she would and vice versa. She would come hang out with me on shifts and even bring me food if I was hungry. She was ALWAYS worried about me being hungry. And she was always willing to come get me if I got drunk. Anytime I was in need she would just totally be there for me. We had our girly talks while no one was around but if we were in a crowd it was always sunshine and flowers. I only seen her pissed off ONE time. She was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad cause the bar was just out of control. So. Me being the giant I just followed her, picked her up, put her in the bathroom, and gave her two choices... hit me or hug me. We hugged and talked for a second and by that time she was just so exhausted she calmed down. [She wasn't really a hitter except she did pop a few of the boys in the face...]

Her funeral was nice. It was well done... slightly awkward because of the religious propaganda slid in there... but nice none the less. I wish I could have heard Chris, Adam, Jamie, and Kaycee speak about her. The fact the Cabin was not mentioned was pretty upsetting also... especially since most of the people from the funeral were from the bar. I know an image was trying to be upheld but it just didn't capture the Michelle everyone knew. Sprint and Starbucks were side jobs to her. She hated working at sprint because of the uniform. And she quit Starbucks without even a blink of the eye because she made more money bartending and didn't have to deal with customers at 5am. Which brings me to this....

If I should die a sudden and unexpected death before getting married or having babies.... [Don't worry this is just a.... just in case thing. I will probably live until I am 90 and be pissed off about it. hahaha]

- My mom and sister are allowed to go through my things. I've hidden nothing from them about who I am and what I am about. They get the choice of what they want. However I want that moment to be shared with my close friends.... because well... they have been stuck with me also. [Just don't let the non-close people go through my dresser drawers... that would be awkward] My close friends can have pretty much anything they want of mine [The important stuff goes to Amy, Brenna, and Jayden though... like my guitar, camera, and computer] All they have to do is ask. You want my perfume... sure. You want articles of clothing... fine. You want random scarves, jewerly, hair stuff... Just ask and my mom will be way laid back about it. Brenna also get's a higher pick than friends... but you kittens just work among yourselves. Whatever you do don't be greedy and don't try to sell off my shit. HAHA. All the people in my life are awesome... so stay awesome.

- I don't care if you bury me or cremate me. It really doesn't matter. I will be dead. My body is just a vessel nothing more. If I am buried though I do not want an open casket, I do not want a lot of make-up on, and I want to be in something comfortable.. like a Sweater, jeans, and flip flops. LOL. I dunno it just makes sense. If I am cremated and people want to carry a little bit of my ashes... cool. Someone fork over the money to bottle my ashes up. I would however like a place for people to "visit" so a little tomb area would be cool with some of the ashes. Also, if there is going to be a tombstone... write something witty. I don't want a boring tombstone.

- My favorite flowers are Sunflowers.

- Also, If I am buried I want people to print out pictures of me and them or of just them with something written on the back of the picture... anything... it could be a poem, a letter, a memory.... just something. Cause my body may be gone but the memories will be what matters.

- I want EVERYONE to be able to speak at my funeral if they want. I don't care how long it takes. As long as people get the closure they need... I am good with that. So talk on friends.

- I'd like my funeral to have formal clothing [just because it will be funny to see some of you people dressed up.] Black would not be necessary .. I understand it is a pain in the ass to find funeral clothing. Just dress up and look pretty. <3 Wear whatever color you want. I am more of an earthy toned chick... but whatever you feel like wearing is just dandy.

- NO CHURCH MUSIC. Play something awesome. Sing it if you want... something that reminds me of you. Or all of you. Pick a good song though. And I think Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine should be at least one of the songs.... even if it is just background music. You guys should dance to it... bwhahaha. Cause I do... every time I hear it. Okay... maybe you won't dance.... because that would be weird... maybe just blast it in your car one time for me.

- Any money left over from funeral costs... put in my nephew's college fund. Simple. I happen to have lots of money left [very very doubtful] split the money between Jayden's college fund, Brandon's college fund, Carly's college fund, & Amanda's college fund. Do what you can with what is left.

- I want a party... a celebration of life party. I want you people to remember the awesome times together. I want you to be like... REMEMBER THE TIME THAT MEGAN.... ____________ !!!hahahahahaha make it fun. Enjoy the memories. Enjoy the time we spent together. DO NOT BE ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES.

All I could ask for after my passing would be for everyone to come together and celebrate life, take care of your own life, and live as awesome as you possibly could. Unless someone actually kills me... don't place blame on anyone. I am a big girl I make my own decisions.

Somewhat of a saddening thought I know and I am sure I am going to get angry phone calls from my family for posting something like this so soon after my friend passing away... but just watching everyone, seeing all this chaos and unhappiness... seriously. Don't do that. I will be SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. [if there are ghosts... I will haunt you.]

I was going to combine a couple other things I have been thinking about in this blog but it is already somewhat chaotic. I hope I don't make anyone a sad panda after reading this. I just needed to get this out and aired. I actually feel better... I am just really tired.

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart

I wish I were in London. I wish I could be at some pub listening to the hustle and bustle of people. Drinking a pint of some beer I don't really like [because I like Bud light] but I would drink the English stuff just because. I wish I could hear the accents and listen to a group of friends laughing and another man complaining about how his wench of a wife is driving him crazy. I want to sit alone at my table, closing my eyes and hearing everything but thinking nothing. I want to see cobble streets and legitimate bakeries. Keep your cupcakes, I'd like a loaf of bread. I could go to a cafe and be bundled up and sit by a fireplace drinking a latte. I want to be where I can find peace of mind. I am not looking for a party and no one is looking to party with me. I am just a face on the street, a glance but nothing more. I wish I could be in London so I could go to the Florence and The Machine concert. People would be excited but I would just be able to feel her emotion....

Once you have that outright exhausting cry, where you can't breathe, your entire face is wet with tears, you have snot running like it's being chased by the police, and your whole soul feels empty... you can have that moment of nothing. The moment where you can no longer be sad but you can't truly feel happy. It's like you, as a person, are void from existence. The saying, The lights are on but, no ones home comes to mind. I am just sort of numb. I don't want to just lie in bed, I feel like walking. Walking to no where and bringing my camera. My $800 something dollar camera that my dad thinks I should return because I am in debt. I considered it, thinking with my rational brain rather than my emotional. However, I don't think I am going to. You only live once and although I don't condone throwing away money, what I do with my camera makes me happier than anything else I have ever done. I capture souls of people. You may change over time and things may happen but once I have you in that form you are mine forever and you have no where you can go. You don't age, you don't disappoint, and you certainly don't die. 

There have been thoughts in my head about losing friends... but I never really had to experience it. People die all the time and I feel very sorry for the people who lose them but no one at that extreme closeness level has died. My grandpa passed away and I was sad for my family, my Granny passed away and I was sad for my dad, My friends parents died and it killed me but not for me but for my friends and their future, My uncle passed away and again I was sad but mostly for my dad. It's like when people die, of course I am sad, of course my heart hurts, and of course I wish it didn't happen. But when I look at it... MY people didn't die. The people that I have made my own. The friends that have been with me through thick and thin. The people who are involved in my daily life. They don't die. They stay with me so we can stay friends forever. So no matter how much time has passed we are still friends and can pick up where we left off. Well except for Devon. Devon died. He felt that moment of anguish where death would prove a point and end his struggle. Devon took his own life, without realizing how badly he would hurt the ones around him. How his friend would call every coroner to prove it wrong. How she would drive home and fall into her little sisters arms in the middle of her court and cry. Then make her way into her room and lay on her bed-less floor trying not to hyperventilate. How she would drive to a friends house and see many other friends who she NEVER wanted to cry be embraced in her arms as they wept. Seeing men not know how to feel sadness so anger and avoidance sets in. Devon did not think of these things. I know the pain will subside and everyone will remember him but move on with their lives. We cannot feel sorrow or guilt forever. We will never know the exact reason. We will never know what he was thinking... and we will have to move forward. It's just heartbreaking knowing he won't be around.