Thursday, January 9, 2014

Bathtubs, Dreams, and Other things

So a dream I had more recently has been weirding me out. 

I was in a clawfoot bathtub, how I fit so perfectly I don't know. I was just laying there naked and underwater... my eyes were open and everything seemed murky but I could see my hair floating around my face. Nothing else. That was the whole dream but it seemed like it was ongoing.

I felt calm, I am not sure if I was breathing or not. I am not sure if I was drowning or not... I just know that nothing mattered. SO. I looked up the meaning...

To see or be in a bathtub in your dream suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying.  
To dream that you are underwater suggests that you are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation. You need to gain greater control of your life.  
To dream that you are breathing underwater represents a retreat back into the womb. You want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. Perhaps you are feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and to care for yourself. Alternatively, breathing underwater is analogous to being submerged in your own emotions. 
To see muddy [The water in my dream was murky .. like a cloudy white color] or dirty water in your dream indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, the dream suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. 
To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged.

So from this dream analysis I currently am suffering from:
a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems
are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation.
want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. 
feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and to care for yourself.
wallowing in your negative emotions.
submerged in your own emotions. 
your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded.
fear of being found out and exposed over your activities.

I need to: 
rid myself of the burdens that you have been carrying. 
gain greater control of my life.  
take some time to cleanse my mind and find internal peace.

Uhm. Wait what? Wasn't I just blogging about how uncontrollably happy I was? What the fuck has happened? A lot actually. Basically my mind is like a flood gate. I pin my flood gate shut and dump buckets of water [unhappy things] behind my flood gate. This can be at a slow pace or a shockingly increased rate depending on my current life conditions. So as I am throwing water behind the gate I forget about the water I have emptied there. It sits for days, for weeks, for months, and occasionally even years. Then on some random unexpected day... someone will pull the pin. Of course, they don't realize they pulled the pin... but it happens. Then all of a sudden I will become overwhelmed with all these past insecurities, questions, memories, feelings, doubts, etc... All those buckets of water come rushing out. So I spend some time floating in all these not so positive things... splashing about. Until at some point I either find a way to drain the water or start using my bucket to put it back behind the flood gate. 

Does that make sense? 

Pretty much a crazy way to explain how someone handles negative things. I mean it doesn't mean that my happiness is any less genuine... when I am happy I AM INSANELY HAPPY... I just want to laugh, frolic, and hug random people as much as I possibly can be allowed to without getting the police called on me. I seriously will LOVE life. Like... omgIamsohappybecauseofthebirdsandthebeesandIwanttosnuggleandblowbubblesanddancenakedunderthemoonlightwhilelisteningtothebreezeofahotsummernight kind of love. lol. This is how I normally feel. I like to feel good and I like others to feel good too.

But the underlying problem is that I do not handle negative situations in the proper way. It is a defense mechanism. I know it, you know it, we alllllllll know it. So now it comes down to how do I fix it? I was asked, "Well what's wrong Megan? What is the problem?"

I don't know what the problem is, is the problem. So basically the advice that the dream analysis is giving me has to be correct. But where the fuck do you start?

Friday, January 3, 2014

I write blogs, not tragedies.

It is harder to title my blog than it is to write it. Odd.

So we have survived 2013. So many crazy things that have happened over the last year...

Lost my job, Michelle died, Hailey died, Jackie died, Wilcox went to prison, Adam, Adam, and Ashley moved to Germany, I went through a weird depression living in Winters, had two of the shortest relationships in my entire relationship career... You know... lots of negative shit. Had more than one ex boyfriend try to get into my pants using bullshit lines and allowed negative people to influence my mood. But there has been tons of positive stuff too! I got out of the bar scene, helped out friends throughout, got to go out to the lake and party with friends, got a new job that I absolutely love, met tons of new people, had some awesome parties, figured out where I belonged, got to go to the snow, started up at the gym, went on an adventure by myself to Fort Bragg, my mom got married which made my family grow, friends had babies... seriously. Loads of awesome things happened last year.

I still don't understand the new year new me thing. I guess it is just kind of like everything else. One person does it so everyone else does it. Nothing changes over night. Everything has its processes... baby steps and if you want something... you just need to start it. Not because everyone else is doing it.

Here is a list of shit I am currently working on:
Sticking with the gym/drinking more water/eating healthier
Getting my money right/saving
Keeping my car/room clean
Make a plan on either how I can pay off the courts or set it up where I spend weekends in jail to pay off my debt. [I really don't want to pay them financially... plus being in jail would help me save money. Can't spend it while locked up. Plus, I would be saving Jamie money by not being home.]
And I have to go to AA for 28 days.

The one thing I have noticed a lot lately is that a lot of people are SO FUCKING NEGATIVE about everything. Life is too short to bitch about things you have no control over. [like I am bitching now. lol] I just wish some of the more negative people in my life could find their happy place. It isn't that bad... you know none of us are getting out alive might as well enjoy the time we have.

I went to an AA meeting today in Fairfield. I've been before... I actually don't mind them. I feel like I am cheating the system because I know at this point right now I am not going to quit drinking. So even though I am court ordered and they know this... I feel like it is unfair. Yes, I am on the path to being an alcoholic... maybe I am one. [more likely than not I am...] but they know I am not clean & sober and they are okay with it... keep coming back. That is the motto. Plus, going really makes me want to be sober but I am not ready for the life change... I like beer too much. LOL. I do know that I have a problem with the bar. If I go out I will spend money... some days I can go to the bar and get shit faced and not spend a dime... other days I go and get shit faced and help other people get shit faced and blow almost all my money. [yes... there is the problem. weird]

There has been a lot of shit on my mind lately. I keep adding to a list of things I want to accomplish...

  • Become a certified personal trainer
  • Learn to blow glass
  • Make candles, soaps, and lotion
  • Take the hunters safety course
  • Learn to handle guns more than what Adam taught me
  • Successfully french braid my hair
  • Deadlift [lol, I am so afraid to attempt it in fear of hurting myself] 
  • Plant a garden
  • Become CPR certified
  • Ride a horse
  • Go to the California Academy Of Sciences
  • Get into the San Francisco Sexual Education training course
  • Catch a fish and gut it
That is just the couple I can currently think of. I also want to do a photo series I have a couple ideas lined up I just need to start scheduling and getting props/materials

I took my boots to get re-soled. I won't have them back until the 16th, I am very distraught about this. LOL. Still need to buy my Carhartt jacket and get my browning hat. I may not be a cowgirl or even a hunter but that "look" is way more comfortable than the girly shit [and much warmer even though I still wear flip flops almost everyday]. I've never been really good at the girly shit anyways. PLUS, when I finally do go girly everyone is in complete shock. OH MY GOD MEGAN YOU ARE A FEMALE. Yes, yes I am.Thank you for reminding me I have a vagina... I guess I forgot... SINCE I CARRY THESE GUNS AROUND WITH ME ALL THE TIME. bwhahahaahahhaah

Okay. Next thought. We just successfully escaped the holidays... and as soon as you walk into a store..


Seriously what the fuck? CAN I JUST GET A BREAK. haha. Valentine's day never really goes well for me anyways. I usually go all out or not at all. A long time ago I read a book 10001 Ways To Be Romantic... and one thing really stuck. Romance should not happen once a fucking year. Lol. If you enjoy someone you should show them as often as you can. One cute story was of a man who would plant a flower garden where his wife could see it from the second story of their home. Each year he would plant flowers but spell something out in them... that way when they would bloom she would be able to look out each morning and be reminded of how much he loved her. Swoon, bitches... you know you did... cause I did when I read it. The whole book is just full of cute things for men and women to do for each other... everything can be molded for your relationship. I never have understood why men are supposed to be the romantic ones. It should be a two way street. So if you are reading this and you are in a relationship maybe you should think of something romantic to do for your significant other. Boom. I said it. DO IT BEFORE VALENTINES DAY TOO. [But still get something for Valentines day... we say we don't care but it sucks when other people get shit and you dont. Just saying]

So far in 2014... I have learned about drag boats, officially became a girlfriend, cleaned the garage with Jamie, and had a friend pass away. It's only day three. I know bad will come. It is just life... and there are a few things I am nervous about. But I am glad to be alive. I have been so blessed I cannot even explain it. I am far from financially ok and I am far from being where I want to be... but I can most definitely say I am overwhelmed with joy by my way of thinking and handling situations. 

Coming from the past where I was all sorts of fucked in the head... I mean I hated myself, I hated everyone else, I suffered from co-dependency, got into relationships that were not exactly healthy, spent time with people who were negative, allowed myself to critique every single aspect about myself... If I couldn't do it I wouldn't do it... and if I didn't have someone who agreed with me I would change my view or what I wanted to do. [oh. You don't want to go to this... okay... well I guess I don't have to go to it either... kind of shit] I've always been a force to be reckoned with but it had been hiding underneath all the guilt, shame, misunderstandings, and lack of self. Basically I have battled myself over the years... I have always had that core... but failed to project it. 

So this is it. I can finally say 100% that I love myself. I love the person I have become. I love the fact that I can be ANYWHERE and talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING. I love the fact that I care about people, genuinely. You may not have anything I need from you... but I may have something you need from me... and maybe one day the tables will turn.... but right now... I appreciate you and I hope you feel the same. I have my weird little deaf cat who absolutely adores me and I adore him too... so what if I am a crazy cat lady? I have found out that what people think of you DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. We are who we are... I mean... if you are an asshole. Well, then you are just an asshole... it doesn't matter what I think [although I think you would be much happier not being an asshole but to each their own.] I do not need approval from people. I can dress how I want, do what I want, and be who I want. Yes, I have days of wavering doubt... but in the end I know I have an awesome group of people who love me as weird as I am and they wouldn't want to change me for the world. I love how I can find something positive in anything and I love how I can laugh at everything. 

Seriously. Life is too short to worry about the future, shit... You may not live to see it. So you might as well be who you are, love yourself, love others, and try to make the world a better place even by just smiling. 

  Well that is all for now...
 Crazy cat lady and her odd fuzzy friend signing off