Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Taming the Untamable

It has been awhile since I have sat down and wrote a blog. I guess my mind has been so scattered and chaotic it is hard to focus on just writing. [It doesn't help that I write as I go on Facebook]

I think my plan of action is to break this one up a bit. Have a little organization to my mental absurdities. [Sounds good to me.]

Random babble
Life update
Friend topic
Motivational topic
Random babble

Dude. It is almost Thanksgiving. Where the hell did 2013 go? Last year this time was a really odd time with the whole beginning of a breakup, the boyfriend moving out, and the holidays rearing it's evil head. haha. Crazy how fast time passes.

As for as life. It's pretty much the same shit on a different day, although the shit seems to smell like roses lately. I enjoy my job, although I wish I had a bigger hand in the money making aspect of it... the company is like family. I am actually going over to their house for Thanksgiving... as long as I don't drink too much I think I should be fine and if all else fails... I will walk my happy little drunk ass over to Gayle's house. [surprise Gayle. lol]

The gym is SO much better than when I first started. I actually can look people in the face, I can lift more, and I finally understand why people kind of avoid me... I keep my game face on for the whole duration of the visit up until I find someone I know... then I become normal chatty excited Megan again. Otherwise. Game face allllll day.

I keep getting the same question and I keep giving the same answer. "So what's your goal?" I say to get to a competition standard, I think I am lying though. I don't think I have a hard line goal. It's more of... I just want to be healthy and look healthy. I like being able to lift heavy stuff. I like being able to compete with myself and no one else... [hence why I never got into sports.] And that is why I would not get into competitive body building. Ta-da! [Weird that I just solved an issue in my head because I was typing it out for you] So basically, I work out because I want to. I enjoy it. It is nice to see how far I can push myself and it gives me a healthy alternative to drinking. Boom.

Healthy and I don't get along well though. Still smoke, still drink, still eat fast food, still love candy, still love energy drinks... I tried cooking for a week [you all should know this if you follow my instagram lol] It was great. I really enjoyed it and I think I do a pretty damn good job of it. HOWEVER. The time and effort needed is a lot. Plus, it sucks cooking for one. It sucks even more eating alone.

Still as single as a slice of American Cheese. But you know... it has occurred to me even more recently that thing happen for a reason. I meet people in the strangest of ways... and sometimes getting to know someone is the best part.

I dropped my photography class. Not because I don't like photography. Not because I don't like the teacher. Simply because 1. I was NOT motivated to do the assignments. 2. The hours sucked.... 5 hours in one classroom... no. No thank you. I do need to get on this photography game though. I need that spark back. I just haven't had the urge to REALLY shoot. Statistics is... well... going? I don't know I just need it so I can finish this damned degree... I don't even need a degree... I just figured as much time and effort put into school I should have something to show for it... besides this super sassy creative brain of mine. O_O

And on to the next subject....

Friend Topic: What's your take on mutual friends siding with one or the other person from a relationship gone south? Do you take sides? And if so, why?

I actually deal with this more often than not. It makes it tricky because when a relationship goes to shit you have normally made friends of the other person... especially in long term relationships. I personally stay mutual between the two friends. They can vent, bitch, and complain... but I don't ever take a solid side. If the person is being unrealistic about their venting I politely say that I disagree or just tell them that they are being out of line. You can't have friends talking shit about other friends... but you can't make them hold in their feelings. Also, you have to keep in mind that one of them may be trying to get the scoop on the other one's current situation. Don't say shit. It's none of your business to share. Plus, it will make the friendship STRICTLY based upon the other persons current life.

So in result. You can stay friends with both parties. You can love them just the same. You can listen to their rants... but stay out of it. Don't repeat the information and don't stir the pot. When and if they get back together you still want to be a neutral party. Cause if you had been the messenger of bad news you are then made the untrusted.

I have lost a few friends over time because of ex-boyfriends, but the majority have stuck with me. Through and through. <3 I have even made new friends because of ex-boyfriends. Weird.


My motivation SUCKS right now. I feel like I am in some sort of rut. My rooms a mess, my cars a mess, my life is just kind of a mess. haha. I wish I was making more money so I could do the things I want to but to have more money you have to have a job that takes more time. Evil fucking cycle. I like lists... so here is a random ass to do list.


  • Quit being a lazy bum and clean my room. I need to go through my stuff and toss things again. I have all this storage space in drawers but nothing is quite organized. I just have stuff. I hate stuff. 
  • My car needs to be cleaned out and detailed. -_- I also need to fix my trunk lock. Who breaks the lock to their trunk? Oh yes, that would be me. I also need to quit fucking off and buy new tires. The rain is here and I cannot afford an accident... not only for my cars sake but for my freedoms sake. 
  • I need to make a plan for Christmas presents this year. I don't know why I wait so long... oh wait... yes. I do. Facebook and lack of money. I also want to do Christmas cards this year... that I need to start now.
Weird. That is all I can think of at the moment. 

So I went to my sister's wedding over the weekend, she is marrying her middle school sweetheart... they are having a baby soon too. It was a great and very fun wedding and I cannot wait to meet my niece. I LOVE BABIES!!!

However, on top of that... my lovely long term ex decided to tell me that if he gets the job he wants [that he interviewed for] he is going to propose to his current girlfriend of one-year and hopefully start having babies when he turns 30. Granted. I have NO WANT to have anything romantic with my ex... but the fact we were together for so long and they have been together no where near the amount of time we were and he is going to just jump on that marriage train... slightly makes me want to punch him in the face feel bad for myself. However... looking past the fact he is so eagerly going to get married makes me feel like I am nearing some sort of fucked up unspoken deadline. I don't even have anyone I am dating at the moment and I am talking about marriage. How crazy can women get? Let me tell you... fucking bat shit crazy. My mom was telling me at Hannah's wedding that my wedding will be as awesome as hers... as sweet as it is... it just felt... bad? I already have a general idea of what I want my wedding to be... but I just kept telling my mom I was going to elope. She didn't find it funny. As I look back on the relationships that I have had though... would I really want to be married to any of them? No... probably not. Not that they weren't totally amazing at some point or another... but if anyone is going to make me feel less of a person or make me sob like a little bitch because I am not "wanted" or unworthy of receiving mutual respect by keeping their penis in their pants... I will have to respectfully pass. I deserve more than that. And I fucking know this. 

I think women just have this random kick to the face... like, "Hey, all your friends are in relationships or are married. They get to have morning sex if they want it. They have someone to eat dinner with. They have someone to go to parties with. They have someone to play with their hair when they lay on the couch feeling like shit... what are you doing wrong? What is wrong with you? Why aren't you in a relationship? Why doesn't someone love you?" 

BUT THEN. Dun dun duuuuun. Once I think about it more. Why would I settle just to have those things? And why would I put up with someone who doesn't respect me. I need to have patience... cause even though I don't have those said things... I do have a pretty fucking fabulous life. Like okay... this is somewhat contradicting... but right now I can do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want. I can go where I want, eat what I want, and do what I want without having to inform anyone of anything. If I feel like dancing... I dance. If I feel like going for a beer or 8... I go for 15 [lol]. If I meet someone new... I don't have to drill them on their intentions. I don't have to worry about other people trying to fuck the same person I share a bed with. 

So... in a very drawn out chaotic conclusion. I would like a relationship but I also accept being single... so until someone slaps me across the face with their charming sweet yet funny personality. I am good being where I am at. I can wait. I have patience. Kind of. Not really.... but whatever.

I don't know how but all my blogs end up on the topic of relationships... either when I am in them, when I get out of them, or when I don't know what the hell I am doing. This is a I have no idea what I am doing but I think I am okay with it blog.

I don't need someone to tame me... I want someone to be as wild as I am... be a beast beside me. 

Not one of my most entertaining blogs... but it will have to do for now until I find something else I want to talk about.