Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Blogging Because I Have The Time

So I have been thinking about typing up a blog for a minute... but everything is always so chaotic.

Current Financial/Living Status:

Let's see. Regarding me moving to Oregon. Well, I have to set up a court date with my public defender who hasn't returned my call [rude]. I basically have to beg the court to let me move. It almost seems not worth it. I mean, once the time comes where I can no longer tiptoe through the high waters and I finally begin to drown... I will just swim away. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN CALIFORNIA. 

[Plus, leaving my cat behind... it just makes the thought of moving not as appealing.] 

The only reason I have been staying afloat is my friends and family. I mean... Jamie didn't kick me out knowing I couldn't pay her rent [I am just racking up an IOU], my step-mom has helped with gas and food, and my friends help me keep my social realm active. I've never hit a low like this and asking for help has never been my forte. I am a helper... not a helpee. My pride doesn't allow me to ask for handouts... HOWEVER. I always knew if I needed support I have some of the most amazing people in my life and they definitely have proven themselves. You don't forget shit like that. Everyone who has helped me just does it... none of that... "Do you need help Megan?" Cause I say no almost every time.

I want a job that allows me to be happy. I mean I am a ninja at typing and at 10-key, I know all office equipment, I am amazing at multiple phone lines, and I have customer service skills up the wazoo. I just need to find something. I wish I knew how to use QuickBooks. I don't want to bartend again but I will if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I mean I am also even considering getting into a labor job. I just need something that pays more than minimum wage!!! And the VERY LAST thing I want to do is go back into retail. I love people... but I hate people who shop. I don't want to clean up after adults and I definitely don't want to sell crap to people who don't need it. Plus. As you all may know I am a creature of habit. So while working at a bar... I drink. While working in retail... I shop. So if I get a job digging ditches... I will bury people... wait... what?


My friend bought me a ticket to see Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I am beyond stoked about it. "Macklemore" just got engaged... and in my little fantasy world... it makes me sad. HAHA. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. Lol. Total groupie status. But on the reality side of things. I LOVE WHAT HE RAPS ABOUT. He talks about everything that people tend to ignore. Especially having a not so pretty past of my own I find myself relating to what he has to say. *le Sigh*

BUT you want to know what I find to be the coolest part about it? My friend Brooke who no longer even lives in the state of California bought me the ticket. It was one of those genuinely sweet gestures and made my heart super happy. For her to go out of her way to show her appreciation of our friendship was so random but so thoughtful.

"Megan, What are you doing wrong to always get cheated on?"
My buddy asked me that the other day while we were driving. Somewhat of an awkward thought. I am not really sure what I do... but out of the relationships I have had... the ratio is not looking very promising.

- I told a friend of mine how one of my exes is in a relationship where he is actually being honest to the girl, isn't cheating on her, and has really turned his relationship ways around.
- What does my friend do?
- Laugh. 
- His thought on it was... "if he cheated your entire relationship & cheated on other girls he talked to...  he will cheat again." It made my heart heavy. I don't know his current girlfriend, but she seems to be a nice girl. I mean this friend of mine has never met my ex... so it is just his thoughts on cheaters. I really do hope my ex has a normal faithful relationship and that the girl he is with does not cheat on him either. 

Which that in turn, also makes my heart heavy. Always the rule, never the exception. It is somewhat silly but you sort of thing of things like... why wasn't I good enough... or why haven't I been good enough... what does she have that I didn't?

THIS IN NO MEANS IS AN "I WANT MY EX BACK" SITUATION!!! [fuck that shit I've played that game too many times. It is almost like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeeeeeeeah. No. ]

I love that fool and I will always love him. He was and still is one of my best friends. [weird I know] But I would never go back to that. We are better as long distant friends than in a relationship.

But in almost every relationship I was some sort of sucker... I treat boyfriends as best friends. I expect them not to lie to me. Like, if you are my best friend... why would you try to hide shit. I know I have had my crazy ass moments... but I am in most cases quite sane when honesty happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted. You cannot exactly slip, fall, and put your penis into another woman without having some sort of conscious thought about it... I have gone both ways about it. I have been off my rocker out of my mind... contemplating a life in prison ready to set his house on fire [Think Miranda Lambert's - Kerosene] and I have also been completely calm and did my best at putting faith in the human good and forgiveness and continued to support him. Neither panned out for my benefit.

What can I say... I pick some winners. If you are reading this... you probably know some of them. Great guys... just not in a relationship.

My Online Life:
Everyone knows me through Facebook. They know me more than I know them. Somewhat of a weird concept if you think about it. I seriously have NO IDEA who exactly reads my posts, my blogs, listens to the music I post, laughs at the things I find funny. I mean how many of my 700+ friends know more about me than I know. Actually quite creepy. At a party last night I was greeted by... oh I don't know... 15+ people. Half of them mentioned Facebook. The other half brought up the bar. Bar + Facebook = The people I seem to know. The weird thing is... I almost like it better than way. I like being home and I like having a general audience.

I really should get out more though. If something interesting happens. I don't tell just one person... I TELL THE ENTIRE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY. [Well, certain things I don't discuss... just because that would be a little awkward. Hey let me tell you about my sex life. Bow chica bow wow]

Side note: My cat just jumped down to the ground and licked my leg. He really reminds me of a dog. I just wish I could take him on walks without being weird.

I am undecided on if I want to post this. It has been a few days of coming back to it... writing... saving... walking away... coming back... repeat.