I think I have come to realize why the mourning process takes its toll differently on different people. I miss Michelle the most when I am on Facebook and bored. Since we all know that I am on Facebook EVERYDAY religiously... it was our thing. We would have Facebook chats about everything and anything. What we were doing, what we were going to do, etc... So when I get online and see her profile still there... my heart sinks. It's not liked we talked about important things... we just talked and I would sit here in my room laughing hell of loud with no one around. I believe that if I worked at the Cabin [or even still frequented there] around the time of her death the loss would hit me more because I would still have been seeing her almost daily. The lake is another thing that makes my heart sink... she was my lake buddy all last summer.
I see a lot of her close friends [not discounting my self or others... but we all know who was closer] and her boyfriend having a harder time. I believe the reason for this is that instead of just thinking to talk to her while on Facebook or randomly... these people thought to call her, kidnap her, visit her, go out with her... on an almost daily basis. So it seems that they would have a harder time because they now have to fill that time that they would be involved with her with other things, other thoughts, other people. It's never the same and they are constantly reminded of the time that could be spent together lost.
In an analytical way... Losing Michelle is like how I felt when I quit smoking cigarettes. When I was in the process I would be like "Okay Megan, Find something else to do... What am I going to do... Well I will have a cigarette while I think of something to do to help me quit smoking." WAIT WHAT? Seriously it was a constant thing occurring in my head. To fill the time that I wasn't going to smoke I wanted to smoke knowing that I couldn't. [Weird I know] SO in that sense... You have friends who are attempting to heal... but they are doing things that Michelle would be involved in or dealing with life things that she would be there for and although they know they still are reminded that she is not there and she isn't going to be but still have the urge to call, text, or invite her places.
Seeing my friends hurt makes my heart hurt. Everyone is coping the best way they can. I see posts, I hear about friends going to the gravesite, I know that people are still crying themselves to sleep at night... So you have all these wonderful friends and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to help them. You just have to stand by and watch as their hearts start to heal then breaks again when they think of her. Seriously, how fucked up is that.
I am still not sure if I am still in the denial stage or I just really became this psycho motivated "I am Megan, I love myself, hear me roar" person. I hope the hurt never comes. I mean the first week was terrible and maybe because of my agnostic ways of living are involved I hurt more for those around me. Don't get me wrong... I love Michelle and I always will. She is in my heart forever as the most fun-loving, excitable, crazy when drinking redbull, sweet, loving friend... but in her passing I have 180° I mean I was jobless, boyfriendless, dealing with all this shitty stuff in life [DUI's suck...Having 2 of them really really sucks]... and then... like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds I realized that I was being stupid. Why waste my life? Why feel bad about the things I cannot change? Why let myself fall into a path of negativity? Why would I let myself go? It hit me like a softball in the face... out of the blue and hard. The saying "
Michelle's death although tragic, unexpected, and fucking awful... has given me this motivation to not only live for myself but to live for others. It's not like everyday is going to be a good day and it's not like I am going to completely change who I am.... but I know I need to be better as a person and better for those around me.
[This started out as a Facebook post. lol]