tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18425821631072194392024-03-14T05:52:53.551-07:00Random Babble BlogMegan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-56941372561022704502014-01-09T16:14:00.000-08:002014-01-09T16:14:16.319-08:00Bathtubs, Dreams, and Other things<div class="tr_bq">
So a dream I had more recently has been weirding me out. </div>
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I was in a clawfoot bathtub, how I fit so perfectly I don't know. I was just laying there naked and underwater... my eyes were open and everything seemed murky but I could see my hair floating around my face. Nothing else. That was the whole dream but it seemed like it was ongoing.<br />
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I felt calm, I am not sure if I was breathing or not. I am not sure if I was drowning or not... I just know that nothing mattered. SO. I looked up the meaning...<br />
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<br /><span style="color: #783f04;">To see or be in a bathtub in your dream suggests <u>a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems</u>. </span><span style="color: #cc0000;">You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #783f04;">To dream that you are underwater suggests that <u>you are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation</u>. </span><span style="color: #cc0000;">You need to gain greater control of your life. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #783f04;">To dream that you are breathing underwater represents a retreat back into the womb. You <u>want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. </u>Perhaps you are <u>feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and to care for yourself</u>. Alternatively, breathing underwater is analogous to being <u>submerged in your own emotions.</u> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #783f04;">To see muddy [The water in my dream was murky .. like a cloudy white color] or dirty water in your dream indicates that you are <span style="text-align: center;">wallowing in your negative emotions</span></span><span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #783f04;">.</span> </span><span style="color: #cc0000;">You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace.</span><span style="color: #783f04;"> Alternatively, the dream suggests that <u>your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded</u>. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #783f04;">To dream that you are naked denotes <u>fear of being found out and exposed over your activities</u>. You feel that you are being misjudged.</span></blockquote>
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<b><u>So from this dream analysis I currently am suffering from:</u></b></div>
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a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems</div>
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are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation.</div>
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want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. </div>
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feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and to care for yourself.</div>
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wallowing in your negative emotions.</div>
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submerged in your own emotions. </div>
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your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded.</div>
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<strike>fear of being found out and exposed over your activities.</strike></div>
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<b><u>I need to: </u></b></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; text-align: start;">rid myself of the burdens that you have been carrying. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; text-align: start;">gain greater control of my life. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #cc0000; text-align: start;">take some time to cleanse my mind and find internal peace.</span></div>
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Uhm. Wait what? Wasn't I just blogging about how uncontrollably happy I was? What the fuck has happened? A lot actually. Basically my mind is like a flood gate. I pin my flood gate shut and dump buckets of water [unhappy things] behind my flood gate. This can be at a slow pace or a shockingly increased rate depending on my current life conditions. So as I am throwing water behind the gate I forget about the water I have emptied there. It sits for days, for weeks, for months, and occasionally even years. Then on some random unexpected day... someone will pull the pin. Of course, they don't realize they pulled the pin... but it happens. Then all of a sudden I will become overwhelmed with all these past insecurities, questions, memories, feelings, doubts, etc... All those buckets of water come rushing out. So I spend some time floating in all these not so positive things... splashing about. Until at some point I either find a way to drain the water or start using my bucket to put it back behind the flood gate. </div>
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Does that make sense? </div>
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Pretty much a crazy way to explain how someone handles negative things. I mean it doesn't mean that my happiness is any less genuine... when I am happy I AM INSANELY HAPPY... I just want to laugh, frolic, and hug random people as much as I possibly can be allowed to without getting the police called on me. I seriously will LOVE life. Like... omgIamsohappybecauseofthebirdsandthebeesandIwanttosnuggleandblowbubblesanddancenakedunderthemoonlightwhilelisteningtothebreezeofahotsummernight kind of love. lol. This is how I normally feel. I like to feel good and I like others to feel good too.<br />
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But the underlying problem is that I do not handle negative situations in the proper way. It is a defense mechanism. I know it, you know it, we alllllllll know it. So now it comes down to how do I fix it? I was asked, "Well what's wrong Megan? What is the problem?"<br />
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I don't know what the problem is, is the problem. So basically the advice that the dream analysis is giving me has to be correct. But where the fuck do you start?</div>
Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-871779846588036142014-01-03T21:34:00.004-08:002014-01-03T21:40:45.755-08:00I write blogs, not tragedies. It is harder to title my blog than it is to write it. Odd.<br />
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<b>So we have survived 2013</b>. So many crazy things that have happened over the last year...<br />
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Lost my job, Michelle died, Hailey died, Jackie died, Wilcox went to prison, Adam, Adam, and Ashley moved to Germany, I went through a weird depression living in Winters, had two of the shortest relationships in my entire relationship career... You know... lots of negative shit. Had more than one ex boyfriend try to get into my pants using bullshit lines and allowed negative people to influence my mood. But there has been tons of positive stuff too! I got out of the bar scene, helped out friends throughout, got to go out to the lake and party with friends, got a new job that I absolutely love, met tons of new people, had some awesome parties, figured out where I belonged, got to go to the snow, started up at the gym, went on an adventure by myself to Fort Bragg, my mom got married which made my family grow, friends had babies... seriously. Loads of awesome things happened last year.<br />
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I still don't understand the new year new me thing. I guess it is just kind of like everything else. One person does it so everyone else does it. Nothing changes over night. Everything has its processes... baby steps and if you want something... you just need to start it. Not because everyone else is doing it.<br />
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<u>Here is a list of shit I am currently working on:</u><br />
Sticking with the gym/drinking more water/eating healthier<br />
Getting my money right/saving<br />
Keeping my car/room clean<br />
Make a plan on either how I can pay off the courts or set it up where I spend weekends in jail to pay off my debt. [I really don't want to pay them financially... plus being in jail would help me save money. Can't spend it while locked up. Plus, I would be saving Jamie money by not being home.]<br />
And I have to go to AA for 28 days.<br />
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The one thing I have noticed a lot lately is that a lot of people are SO FUCKING NEGATIVE about everything. Life is too short to bitch about things you have no control over. [like I am bitching now. lol] I just wish some of the more negative people in my life could find their happy place. It isn't that bad... you know none of us are getting out alive might as well enjoy the time we have.<br />
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I went to an AA meeting today in Fairfield. I've been before... I actually don't mind them. I feel like I am cheating the system because I know at this point right now I am not going to quit drinking. So even though I am court ordered and they know this... I feel like it is unfair. Yes, I am on the path to being an alcoholic... maybe I am one. [more likely than not I am...] but they know I am not clean & sober and they are okay with it... keep coming back. That is the motto. Plus, going really makes me want to be sober but I am not ready for the life change... I like beer too much. LOL. I do know that I have a problem with the bar. If I go out I will spend money... some days I can go to the bar and get shit faced and not spend a dime... other days I go and get shit faced and help other people get shit faced and blow almost all my money. [yes... there is the problem. weird]<br />
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There has been a lot of shit on my mind lately. I keep adding to a list of things I want to accomplish...<br />
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<ul>
<li>Become a certified personal trainer</li>
<li>Learn to blow glass</li>
<li>Make candles, soaps, and lotion</li>
<li>Take the hunters safety course</li>
<li>Learn to handle guns more than what Adam taught me</li>
<li>Successfully french braid my hair</li>
<li>Deadlift [lol, I am so afraid to attempt it in fear of hurting myself] </li>
<li>Plant a garden</li>
<li>Become CPR certified</li>
<li>Ride a horse</li>
<li>Go to the California Academy Of Sciences</li>
<li>Get into the San Francisco Sexual Education training course</li>
<li>Catch a fish and gut it</li>
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That is just the couple I can currently think of. I also want to do a photo series I have a couple ideas lined up I just need to start scheduling and getting props/materials</div>
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I took my boots to get re-soled. I won't have them back until the 16th, I am very distraught about this. LOL. Still need to buy my Carhartt jacket and get my browning hat. I may not be a cowgirl or even a hunter but that "look" is way more comfortable than the girly shit [and much warmer even though I still wear flip flops almost everyday]. I've never been really good at the girly shit anyways. PLUS, when I finally do go girly everyone is in complete shock. OH MY GOD MEGAN YOU ARE A FEMALE. Yes, yes I am.Thank you for reminding me I have a vagina... I guess I forgot... SINCE I CARRY THESE GUNS AROUND WITH ME ALL THE TIME. bwhahahaahahhaah</div>
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Okay. Next thought. We just successfully escaped the holidays... and as soon as you walk into a store..</div>
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VALENTINES DAY IS HERE. </div>
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Seriously <u>what the fuck</u>? CAN I JUST GET A BREAK. haha. Valentine's day never really goes well for me anyways. I usually go all out or not at all. A long time ago I read a book 10001 Ways To Be Romantic... and one thing really stuck. Romance should not happen once a fucking year. Lol. If you enjoy someone you should show them as often as you can. One cute story was of a man who would plant a flower garden where his wife could see it from the second story of their home. Each year he would plant flowers but spell something out in them... that way when they would bloom she would be able to look out each morning and be reminded of how much he loved her. Swoon, bitches... you know you did... cause I did when I read it. The whole book is just full of cute things for men and women to do for each other... everything can be molded for your relationship. I never have understood why men are supposed to be the romantic ones. It should be a two way street. So if you are reading this and you are in a relationship maybe you should think of something romantic to do for your significant other. Boom. I said it. DO IT BEFORE VALENTINES DAY TOO. [But still get something for Valentines day... we say we don't care but it sucks when other people get shit and you dont. Just saying]</div>
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<b>So far in 2014</b>... I have learned about drag boats, officially became a girlfriend, cleaned the garage with Jamie, and had a friend pass away. It's only day three. I know bad will come. It is just life... and there are a few things I am nervous about. But I am glad to be alive. I have been so blessed I cannot even explain it. I am far from financially ok and I am far from being where I want to be... but I can most definitely say I am overwhelmed with joy by my way of thinking and handling situations. </div>
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Coming from the past where I was all sorts of fucked in the head... I mean I hated myself, I hated everyone else, I suffered from co-dependency, got into relationships that were not exactly healthy, spent time with people who were negative, allowed myself to critique every single aspect about myself... If I couldn't do it I wouldn't do it... and if I didn't have someone who agreed with me I would change my view or what I wanted to do. [oh. You don't want to go to this... okay... well I guess I don't have to go to it either... kind of shit] I've always been a force to be reckoned with but it had been hiding underneath all the guilt, shame, misunderstandings, and lack of self. Basically I have battled myself over the years... I have always had that core... but failed to project it. </div>
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So this is it. I can finally say 100% that I love myself. I love the person I have become. I love the fact that I can be ANYWHERE and talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING. I love the fact that I care about people, genuinely. You may not have anything I need from you... but I may have something you need from me... and maybe one day the tables will turn.... but right now... I appreciate you and I hope you feel the same. I have my weird little deaf cat who absolutely adores me and I adore him too... so what if I am a crazy cat lady? I have found out that what people think of you DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. We are who we are... I mean... if you are an asshole. Well, then you are just an asshole... it doesn't matter what I think [although I think you would be much happier not being an asshole but to each their own.] I do not need approval from people. I can dress how I want, do what I want, and be who I want. Yes, I have days of wavering doubt... but in the end I know I have an awesome group of people who love me as weird as I am and they wouldn't want to change me for the world. I love how I can find something positive in anything and I love how I can laugh at everything. </div>
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Seriously. Life is too short to worry about the future, shit... You may not live to see it. So you might as well be who you are, love yourself, love others, and try to make the world a better place even by just smiling. </div>
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Well that is all for now...</div>
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Crazy cat lady and her odd fuzzy friend signing off</div>
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Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-25137975117186948302013-12-27T12:30:00.000-08:002013-12-27T12:30:36.637-08:00Random As I Can Be...So I seen a friend of mine who is completely and 100% my push. I know she would deny it but she is the person who knows how I feel about my goal in life... At some point in my life I decided I wanted to be a Sexologist to promote healthy sexual behaviors and education for women. WELL GUESS WHAT! She met someone who found classes... San Francisco Sexual Information Training. It happens twice a year and you have to go through an interview process that lasts anywhere from 90-120 minutes. The tuition is based on a sliding scale so I could technically take the classes for only about $300 but all the way up to $800. The applications aren't available yet... but will be soon. I may never own an adult store but I will have the education to help others understand themselves and others to prevent absurd judgements and untangle the web of taboo that covers sexuality for not only women but for men too. [I still find it absolutely insane that the sex education is predominantly porn for men and pretty much fairytales for women... and we wonder why everyone has such a difficult time.]<br />
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The Holidays. IT'S ALMOST OVER! I have actually had a wonderful time with the holidays this year. I don't expect much and then it is like "WOW WHAT A GREAT TIME" I know two things for sure. I absolutely love my family. They know I am off my rocker but they love me anyways. <3 Also I love my friends... just being able to have a little one on one time with some of them made Christmas eve totally worth it. Now if I can just make it through new years that would be lovely. It's been two years since New Years day where I broke a mirror, bled everywhere, cauterized the wound on a tail pipe but failed, then bled even more. This past new years I was not breaking things... but definitely don't remember a lot of it. I spend New Years Eve with my little sister every years so I keep my drinking to a minimum as to protect her... then New Years Day I just drink until I don't exactly know what I am doing... then feel like shit the next day. It really doesn't make much sense. SO this year I am going to keep my tradition with Amy but break the New Years Day chaos of being completely annihilated. Baby steps.<br />
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One day when I was super bored I was just sitting there picturing what I want my life to be like and this is what I thought up:<br />
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<ul>
<li>I want a house with a wrap around porch, clean but vintage.</li>
<li>If the house isn't the way I want it when I buy it I want to be a part of the remodeling... yes. I want to play with power tools too. </li>
<li>I want the house decor to be darker colors like reds, greens, but with light wood accents. I know it sounds weird.. but I have seen it done. Kind of cabin-esk. "Homey"</li>
<li>I want land. Not an insane amount... but enough to ride a quad on, have chickens, and a garden AND bees. </li>
<li>I want to live far enough from my neighbors but close enough to town. </li>
<li>I want trees and a creek. </li>
<li>I want a dog and a fenced in yard so the dog cannot run off. </li>
<li>I want a garage that is big enough for not only work to be done but a place to hang out and drink beer. I don't think I will ever not love beer. lol.</li>
<li>I want a craft room inside... big enough to where I could store the many different required tools of the many different things I want to learn to do. </li>
<li>I want a guest bedroom so I could have people stay the night after drinking too many beers in the garage. Or maybe have a granny flat over the garage? </li>
<li>I want to have people over for dinner and weird games like pictionary.</li>
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Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-15570493897204992762013-12-24T11:31:00.002-08:002013-12-24T11:31:58.014-08:00Holiday HellOver the years the holidays have become less and less important to me. I mean, I enjoy what it is meant to be about... getting together with the family and seeing friends. Spending time with people you love and showing them how much you appreciate them with gifts. <div>
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However, why don't we do this year round? I mean you have Thanksgiving... then a month later you have Christmas... then a week later you have new years. Then you spend the rest of the year waiting for it to come back around again. Even as a kid, when my parents were still married... I remember waking up Christmas morning opening presents... playing with the toys and then... that was it. ALL THE ANTICIPATION JUST TO GET STUFF. We didn't really have any type of family tradition. I've always been jealous of people who did things... like played board games... etc... Quality family time because no one had work. </div>
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Even on that sense... when I was in a long term relationship there was SO MUCH PRESSURE. We would have to hit all these houses because we both were from broken homes. Run run run run... then nothing. It's kind of disappointing. </div>
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If I ever have a family I think what I am going to do it just warp the whole system. A friend of mine mentioned on Facebook how she does not tell her kids about Santa Claus because it teaches them to lie... but she teaches them Christmas is about Jesus... Another friend did the same thing with her kids... her reasoning was because her mom asked for red roller skates for Christmas as a child and instead since her family was poor at the time she got something small and her cousin got the red roller skates she had wanted... she felt disappointed... was she not good enough that year for Santa to bring her something she wanted? There will always be good years and there will be bad years. </div>
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My nephew currently is SPOILED. He gets an insane amount of stuff... each year the stuff will become more and more expensive and he will not appreciate those "Things" as much. I work my ASS off for a paycheck that is gone before I can even pretend to save... he gets so much stuff the value of it goes down and will be thrown in a pile of all the other things he has gotten. [His grandma on his dad's side wants to buy him a cell phone. Jayden is 6.] </div>
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So back to my warped idea. Maybe break Christmas up over the 12 months of Christmas. LOL. Pick a day out of the month and do a family get together where everyone hangs out eats and just enjoys the company of each other? I don't know... the "Want" that happens with Christmas disgusts me, I still feel it even as an adult. I want people to buy me stuff... but I mean I want things that are out of control... like a new computer, a new phone, new tires, new boots, new new new new new new. -_- We are programed. I want to spend time with my family but I feel bad. I cannot buy everyone nice things or even things they really need. It is just something that they can use and I will be able to give them so I don't look like an asshole. </div>
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It is a pressured holiday... especially for broke bitches like me. Then you have the guilt if someone buys you something and you don't get them something... or if you do a gift exchange and your gift isn't as great as the one you gave... or visa versa. Pretty fucking sick. Greed and vanity. </div>
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Anyways if you want to read a funny blog check out <a href="http://christinescrazy.blogspot.com/2013/12/greedy-people-joy-suckers-and-sixer-of.html" target="_blank">Christine's </a></div>
Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-42400071996713674572013-11-19T15:25:00.000-08:002013-11-19T15:25:06.862-08:00Taming the Untamable It has been awhile since I have sat down and wrote a blog. I guess my mind has been so scattered and chaotic it is hard to focus on just writing. [It doesn't help that I write as I go on Facebook]<br />
<br />
I think my plan of action is to break this one up a bit. Have a little organization to my mental absurdities. [Sounds good to me.]<br />
<br />
Random babble<br />
Life update<br />
Friend topic<br />
Motivational topic<br />
Random babble<br />
<br />
<br />
Dude. It is almost Thanksgiving. Where the hell did 2013 go? Last year this time was a really odd time with the whole beginning of a breakup, the boyfriend moving out, and the holidays rearing it's evil head. haha. Crazy how fast time passes.<br />
<br />
As for as life. It's pretty much the same shit on a different day, although the shit seems to smell like roses lately. I enjoy my job, although I wish I had a bigger hand in the money making aspect of it... the company is like family. I am actually going over to their house for Thanksgiving... as long as I don't drink too much I think I should be fine and if all else fails... I will walk my happy little drunk ass over to Gayle's house. [surprise Gayle. lol]<br />
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The gym is SO much better than when I first started. I actually can look people in the face, I can lift more, and I finally understand why people kind of avoid me... I keep my game face on for the whole duration of the visit up until I find someone I know... then I become normal chatty excited Megan again. Otherwise. Game face allllll day.<br />
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I keep getting the same question and I keep giving the same answer. "So what's your goal?" I say to get to a competition standard, I think I am lying though. I don't think I have a hard line goal. It's more of... I just want to be healthy and look healthy. I like being able to lift heavy stuff. I like being able to compete with myself and no one else... [hence why I never got into sports.] And that is why I would not get into competitive body building. Ta-da! [Weird that I just solved an issue in my head because I was typing it out for you] So basically, I work out because I want to. I enjoy it. It is nice to see how far I can push myself and it gives me a healthy alternative to drinking. Boom.<br />
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<br />
Healthy and I don't get along well though. Still smoke, still drink, still eat fast food, still love candy, still love energy drinks... I tried cooking for a week [you all should know this if you follow my instagram lol] It was great. I really enjoyed it and I think I do a pretty damn good job of it. HOWEVER. The time and effort needed is a lot. Plus, it sucks cooking for one. It sucks even more eating alone.<br />
<br />
Still as single as a slice of American Cheese. But you know... it has occurred to me even more recently that thing happen for a reason. I meet people in the strangest of ways... and sometimes getting to know someone is the best part.<br />
<br />
I dropped my photography class. Not because I don't like photography. Not because I don't like the teacher. Simply because 1. I was NOT motivated to do the assignments. 2. The hours sucked.... 5 hours in one classroom... no. No thank you. I do need to get on this photography game though. I need that spark back. I just haven't had the urge to REALLY shoot. Statistics is... well... going? I don't know I just need it so I can finish this damned degree... I don't even need a degree... I just figured as much time and effort put into school I should have something to show for it... besides this super sassy creative brain of mine. O_O<br />
<br />
And on to the next subject....<br />
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Friend Topic: <span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">What's your take on mutual friends siding with one or the other person from a relationship gone south? Do you take sides? And if so, why?</span><br />
<br />
I actually deal with this more often than not. It makes it tricky because when a relationship goes to shit you have normally made friends of the other person... especially in long term relationships. I personally stay mutual between the two friends. They can vent, bitch, and complain... but I don't ever take a solid side. If the person is being unrealistic about their venting I politely say that I disagree or just tell them that they are being out of line. You can't have friends talking shit about other friends... but you can't make them hold in their feelings. Also, you have to keep in mind that one of them may be trying to get the scoop on the other one's current situation. Don't say shit. It's none of your business to share. Plus, it will make the friendship STRICTLY based upon the other persons current life.<br />
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So in result. You can stay friends with both parties. You can love them just the same. You can listen to their rants... but stay out of it. Don't repeat the information and don't stir the pot. When and if they get back together you still want to be a neutral party. Cause if you had been the messenger of bad news you are then made the untrusted. <br />
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I have lost a few friends over time because of ex-boyfriends, but the majority have stuck with me. Through and through. <3 I have even made new friends because of ex-boyfriends. Weird.<br />
<br />
ANYWAYS.<br />
<br />
My motivation SUCKS right now. I feel like I am in some sort of rut. My rooms a mess, my cars a mess, my life is just kind of a mess. haha. I wish I was making more money so I could do the things I want to but to have more money you have to have a job that takes more time. Evil fucking cycle. I like lists... so here is a random ass to do list.<br />
<br />
<u>YAY FOR LISTS LIST</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Quit being a lazy bum and clean my room. I need to go through my stuff and toss things again. I have all this storage space in drawers but nothing is quite organized. I just have stuff. I hate stuff. </li>
<li>My car needs to be cleaned out and detailed. -_- I also need to fix my trunk lock. Who breaks the lock to their trunk? Oh yes, that would be me. I also need to quit fucking off and buy new tires. The rain is here and I cannot afford an accident... not only for my cars sake but for my freedoms sake. </li>
<li>I need to make a plan for Christmas presents this year. I don't know why I wait so long... oh wait... yes. I do. Facebook and lack of money. I also want to do Christmas cards this year... that I need to start now.</li>
</ul>
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Weird. That is all I can think of at the moment. </div>
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So I went to my sister's wedding over the weekend, she is marrying her middle school sweetheart... they are having a baby soon too. It was a great and very fun wedding and I cannot wait to meet my niece. I LOVE BABIES!!!</div>
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However, on top of that... my lovely long term ex decided to tell me that if he gets the job he wants [that he interviewed for] he is going to propose to his current girlfriend of one-year and hopefully start having babies when he turns 30. Granted. I have NO WANT to have anything romantic with my ex... but the fact we were together for so long and they have been together no where near the amount of time we were and he is going to just jump on that marriage train... slightly makes me want to <strike>punch him in the face</strike> feel bad for myself. However... looking past the fact he is so eagerly going to get married makes me feel like I am nearing some sort of fucked up unspoken deadline. I don't even have anyone I am dating at the moment and I am talking about marriage. How crazy can women get? Let me tell you... fucking bat shit crazy. My mom was telling me at Hannah's wedding that my wedding will be as awesome as hers... as sweet as it is... it just felt... bad? I already have a general idea of what I want my wedding to be... but I just kept telling my mom I was going to elope. She didn't find it funny. As I look back on the relationships that I have had though... would I really want to be married to any of them? No... probably not. Not that they weren't totally amazing at some point or another... but if anyone is going to make me feel less of a person or make me sob like a little bitch because I am not "wanted" or unworthy of receiving mutual respect by keeping their penis in their pants... I will have to respectfully pass. I deserve more than that. And I fucking know this. </div>
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I think women just have this random kick to the face... like, "Hey, all your friends are in relationships or are married. They get to have morning sex if they want it. They have someone to eat dinner with. They have someone to go to parties with. They have someone to play with their hair when they lay on the couch feeling like shit... what are you doing wrong? What is wrong with you? Why aren't you in a relationship? Why doesn't someone love you?" </div>
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BUT THEN. Dun dun duuuuun. Once I think about it more. Why would I settle just to have those things? And why would I put up with someone who doesn't respect me. I need to have patience... cause even though I don't have those said things... I do have a pretty fucking fabulous life. Like okay... this is somewhat contradicting... but right now I can do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want. I can go where I want, eat what I want, and do what I want without having to inform anyone of anything. If I feel like dancing... I dance. If I feel like going for a beer or 8... I go for 15 [lol]. If I meet someone new... I don't have to drill them on their intentions. I don't have to worry about other people trying to fuck the same person I share a bed with. </div>
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So... in a very drawn out chaotic conclusion. I would like a relationship but I also accept being single... so until someone slaps me across the face with their charming sweet yet funny personality. I am good being where I am at. I can wait. I have patience. Kind of. Not really.... but whatever.</div>
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I don't know how but all my blogs end up on the topic of relationships... either when I am in them, when I get out of them, or when I don't know what the hell I am doing. This is a I have no idea what I am doing but I think I am okay with it blog.<br />
<br />
<i>I don't need someone to tame me... I want someone to be as wild as I am... be a beast beside me. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Not one of my most entertaining blogs... but it will have to do for now until I find something else I want to talk about.<br />
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<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-31497852024304741672013-09-18T12:30:00.001-07:002013-09-18T12:52:18.599-07:00I'm as single as a slice of American cheese. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I started following this site called "<a href="http://couples.howaboutwe.com/datebook" target="_blank">How About We For Couples</a>" Yes, I realize I am single. And Yes, I realize that the site is for couples. I do however enjoy finding ideas for future references. [Yes, I am hopeless] But look they have ALL SORTS OF NEAT-O BURRITO THINGS!!<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Create in Clay Ceramics Workshop</li>
<li>Learn to Make Next Level S'mores </li>
<li>Roll Bounce at SF's Roller Disco</li>
<li>Stand Up Paddle Board Lessons for Two</li>
<li>Learn to Give Each Other Rubdowns</li>
<li>Love Is Art Painting Kit</li>
<li>Couples Screen Printing Workshop</li>
<li>Trapeze Lessons for Two</li>
</ul>
<br />
I mean the list of things is insane, plus these are only the things I find interesting. They have different dinner dates and movie passes and things like that and it goes on and on and on.<br />
<br />
So a friend posted an <a href="http://www.thelocal.fr/20130918/french-senate-bans-child-beauty-contests" target="_blank">article</a> on how in France they banned beauty pageants for girls under the age of 16. Anyone hosting a beauty pageant for those under the age of 16 will get a $40,000 fine and 2 years in prison. I also have a photo project due tomorrow. I finally had my spark of creativity.<br />
<br />
I have 3 photos I need to turn in for my photo class tomorrow. People: Fiction<br />
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Of course I have yet to shoot it. However, I just came up with my plan. I have all these dresses I never wear and a princess crown I spent $20 on for a different photo project so I am basically just going to go for the controversial aspect of it all. So full blown running make up, messy hair, prom dresses.<br />
[Think: Courtney Love] <br />
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I just have so much going on with photography I don't feel like I am putting my all into it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Pre-shoot of the Skateboard Collection]</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> [The Dog]</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> [Fields]</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> [Newborn Shoot]</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Wedding]</span></div>
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I mean I personally think they are all okay, but nothing is quite what I want it to be. My lighting is off, my positioning is wrong, the exposure is not right, etc.. etc.. etc.. </div>
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I wish I could take pictures with my eyeballs. That would be neat. </div>
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My blogging motivation has gone down the tube. So I will post this and continue on with my day. </div>
Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-73487378622035736662013-09-12T12:01:00.000-07:002013-09-12T12:01:06.612-07:00Hello My Old Heart<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/rKNwx82kPjY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br />
I tried to write a blog last week with little success. I post long and mindless posts on Facebook all day long but as soon as I open up the blogger page my mind draws this blank.<br />
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My mind = <span style="font-size: x-large;">[</span><span style="font-size: x-small;">FranklinGymSexPhotographyWarPoliticsFunnyPresentSadBeerNudityButterfliesHistoryEducationRealityDreamsDeathPensPaperMasturbationMoneyWeatherDecoratingReligionExboyfriendsLawsFoodTodolistsMathColorsTrucksPlacesEconomyJuiceFriendsPastVolunteeringLivestockCalculatorsGardeningBubblebathsPreworkoutPeopleQuotesBabiesHomeworkRelationshipsMichelleJailNailpolishBooksEuropeCraftsRapePoliticiansOrganizationalskillsZombiesTelevision</span><span style="font-size: x-large;">]</span><br />
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My mind while trying to write a blog = <span style="font-size: x-large;">[ </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">hmmm...</span><span style="font-size: x-large;"> ]</span><br />
<br />
It is like this non-stop chaos to comes to a halt. I try not to censor myself too much on my blog but I know I do. Some things just get into the realm of awkwardness and since I have NO IDEA who reads it... I have to expect that EVERYONE reads it. [Hi Grandma. (lol. jk. Grandma doesn't have a computer)] I know some of the things I have wrote in the past have caused people to be upset. I should have a disclaimer.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>***Disclaimer: I say fuck a lot.***</i></div>
<br />
Now it isn't because I lack the vocabulary to come up with a more suitable word. I just like the word. It is definitely offensive to many people and quite unprofessional. However, I don't really care. Granted, while in certain company I will curve the need to say it because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable... but with the choice you made to read this... well, you chose to read it. Don't judge my vocabulary.<br />
<br />
Since we have gotten past that portion of things. I guess we will just go over a couple things until I get back into the groove of things.<br />
<br />
<b>Life.</b><br />
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Ah, yes. The past year has been A FUCKING TRIP. I pretty much have covered most bases of life in just 2013 and it isn't even over yet. I guess all in all it has been a year of self discovery. I am still working on a lot of things but I think I have the majority of it figured out. I wrote a Facebook post about it...<br />
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">Every night... I try to go to bed early and yet every night I am wide awake. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Thoughts invade my head from everyday tasks to things that I have(had) no control over.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span> </i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;"><i>The conversation about the month of March didn't help. Everyone was posting things about Michelle's 6 month anniversary of her death. I can remember every last detail of walking into the house up until the paramedics came... Then th<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">e rest of the month was kind of fuzzy (more like non-existent) I'm sure it must just be a coping mechanism my brain uses.</span></i></span></div>
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On a more positive scale... I had a conversation tonight about not allowing my life to fall apart (not in relation to Michelle) I'm notorious for letting myself slip then getting caught with having my life fall apart and constantly trying to fit the pieces back together while other parts crumble. Like some giant juggling act of never getting it right. </div>
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Recently on this unexpected path of self-discovery and awareness... I realized that I am the only person to blame. Bad will always show its ugly face and I will never be the person the media tells me to be. I am my own entity separated from the masses. There may be someone prettier than me, smarter, more charming, more creative, more connected in social activities, more spontaneous... Etc... You get the point. However, no one will be me. I am my own divine self. I am who I was meant to be... Not saying I am better than anyone else but I am perfect in the way of self. (does that make any sense?) </div>
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I finally have that drive I've been searching for. I could spend my whole life searching for someone or something to make me happy... But I'll never find it because what I need is something I already have. I just didn't realize it. I just needed a chance to change direction and focus. Life isn't about what you have or who you can impress... It is about making the best out of every situation, about loving yourself, it is about being able to share moments with the people around you who strive to also make the best of the time they have here.</div>
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<i>I don't have much but I have exactly what I need... A loving family, a solid group of friends, generally good health, a challenging job, a place to live, reliable transportation, and another day to wake up and live the life I want to lead.</i></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">It seems to be that we are our own worst enemies... That we don't see how beautiful we are because we are comparing ourselves to everyone else. BUT as one of my favorite quotes puts it....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"The grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized with <u>bullshit</u>." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">If you think about it... everything you read is only a portion of their life. No one really shares the parts of themselves that they are not happy with. Yes, you will read "I need to start working out" "I am single again" "I am angry" But how often do you read or hear that people are sad... and not sad because of a youtube video they just watched... but genuinely just sad or unhappy. How often do you hear about the every day stressors in someone's life? For me it's not that often. You almost have to dig for that information. I am a firm believer in it is better out than in. Not in a way of ALWAYS complaining about EVERYTHING... but in a way of letting go of that negative and moving in to a positive way of thinking. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">And now I am at a point in the blog where my thoughts are starting to collide. I need a firm topic... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Being Single.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My ex is pretty awesome. Well, for being an ex. We started dating out of the blue and we ended out of the blue. Definitely not something I had planned on and not exactly something I wanted because we were able to get along really well but he gave me something that I needed. The realization that no one can complete you, you have to complete yourself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So I have switched things up and I am really working on being... well... me? I relate to the movie Runaway Bride. I conform to relationships giving up who I am to be with someone else. The reasoning for this is I want to make things work, I like the person and I want them to be with me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I am that person who just wants to be loved by someone. I basically grew up while being in a long term relationship so that is all I really know. But I think as I have gotten older I have started to realize that when single I am able to be myself. I do what I want, when I want, for the reasons I want to. I am a quirky individual and people like me for who I am. So my relationship fail because when in them... I change. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So I have set up some random goals in order to make myself better and improve the quality of my life. </span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Be healthier. I was always afraid of the gym. Technically I still am. It is a big place with lots of big people who know what they are doing and I am over here like hey... I can curl 30lbs! Once I started going it has become easier [although I am not at the confidence level I would like to be at] I love the after feeling, I love knowing that although I cannot see it... I can feel changes... and those changes are happening because I am making them. I may never get to the point where I am competition status, but the strength I gain is something that belongs to me. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Do things. My parents really didn't do family vacations. So we never really went anywhere. With the group of friends I have now... people are willing to get out of town and go explore which is great! On top of that though, there are things I want to do. So I have the chance to do them even if it is just by myself driving up to Fort Bragg to see a beach. </span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Side note: When making plans for myself and including other people it seems that when the other person changes their mind or just straight up flakes. I no longer follow through with the plan. I just say fuck it and stay home to do my normal routine. This is a problem in the sense where I haven't done a lot because of another person. </span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Learn things. There is so much out there to learn. I mean you have classes, colleges, events, and the internet!! The lists of things we can learn is endless. I've always wanted to learn how to make crafty stuff like soaps and candles... but I also want to learn how to operate heavy machinery and build stuff. I want to learn how to be self sufficient and re-learn how to fish and also learn how to hunt. I want to learn how to blow glass and ride horses... how to dance and play the guitar my dad gave me... I want to learn more sign language and how to sew. There is this endless list of things that I want to do and I have the time to do it. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Be organized. I am a big ball of fiery chaos. My car is a mess and all the drawers in my room are just filled with stuff. STUFF EVERYWHERE. I need to find a way to take more time to do the simple things that way it doesn't build up. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Just relax. It doesn't matter what I am doing, I am always thinking and planning and this and that and the other thing. I NEVER GIVE MYSELF A BREAK. Even when I have time I am on Facebook giving an opinion or trying to help someone. It is like I put all these plans and goals and things around me... I rarely just sit down and read a book or watch a movie to enjoy the moment. Everything is always planned and executed which in the end normally leaves me scrambling for time. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So I cannot say I do not wish to be in a relationship because I would like the companionship... I want a best friend that can be more than that but right now it just seems the right person hasn't come along. I just have to do what I do and enjoy what I can because in all honesty... you never know what is going to happen... might as well make the best of it.</span></div>
Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-24099610549553500032013-04-16T21:29:00.001-07:002013-04-16T21:29:17.332-07:00Codependency & Dating<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
You know how things just sort of come to you, maybe nudge you a bit... </div>
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AND THEN SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE WITH AN IRON FIST?</div>
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Yeah that is kind of what happened. </div>
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I don't know. I have one crazy out of control past... dating and trying to be this person I am/am not.</div>
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I am a codependent We talked about it in my DUI class tonight. Knowing full well I have a problem I continue to find these people I just HAVE to date. I would give them anything and do anything for them. I follow like a puppy. I give up part of me to have that connection with them. </div>
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Codependency stems from the past I have had and the need to always be the fixer, to have people love & accept me, to love & be loved. It seems normal but it isn't in the degree in which I seem to have it. </div>
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I have been ROYALLY fucked over by people I have dated and yet I still accept them and want them in my life. Maybe not as a lover but I still want their friendship. It is a good thing and a bad thing.</div>
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So today I read this quote from Oprah. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making e</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">xcuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.<br /><br />Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.<br /><br />Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.<br /><br />You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.<br /><br />Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.<br /><br />You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new<br />relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE<br />individuals. Look for someone complimentary...<br />not supplementary.<br /><br />Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.<br /><br />Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts..."</span></blockquote>
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I am PRETTY much the complete opposite of EVERYTHING she said. Raised in the right era I would have probably been Holly Fucking Housewife... but by being here today I drink, I smoke, I've done some crazy shit, I curse like a sailor, and thankfully can be independent financially.<br />
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I really don't have much else to say concerning this because it is sort of a sore subject. BUT I can say acceptance is the first step... I love myself... I just need to learn how to love myself without losing that balance over another person.Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-60380892349437724072013-03-25T12:24:00.001-07:002013-03-25T12:24:44.789-07:00Mourning & The Process Of Change<br />
I think I have come to realize why the mourning process takes its toll differently on different people. I miss Michelle the most when I am on Facebook and bored. Since we all know that I am on Facebook EVERYDAY religiously... it was our thing. We would have Facebook chats about everything and anything. What we were doing, what we were going to do, etc... So when I get online and see her profile still there... my heart sinks. It's not liked we talked about important things... we just talked and I would sit here in my room laughing hell of loud with no one around. I believe that if I worked at the Cabin [or even still frequented there] around the time of her death the loss would hit me more because I would still have been seeing her almost daily. The lake is another thing that makes my heart sink... she was my lake buddy all last summer.<br />
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I see a lot of her close friends [not discounting my self or others... but we all know who was closer] and her boyfriend having a harder time. I believe the reason for this is that instead of just thinking to talk to her while on Facebook or randomly... these people thought to call her, kidnap her, visit her, go out with her... on an almost daily basis. So it seems that they would have a harder time because they now have to fill that time that they would be involved with her with other things, other thoughts, other people. It's never the same and they are constantly reminded of the time that could be spent together lost.<br />
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In an analytical way... Losing Michelle is like how I felt when I quit smoking cigarettes. When I was in the process I would be like "Okay Megan, Find something else to do... What am I going to do... Well I will have a cigarette while I think of something to do to help me quit smoking." WAIT WHAT? Seriously it was a constant thing occurring in my head. To fill the time that I wasn't going to smoke I wanted to smoke knowing that I couldn't. [Weird I know] SO in that sense... You have friends who are attempting to heal... but they are doing things that Michelle would be involved in or dealing with life things that she would be there for and although they know they still are reminded that she is not there and she isn't going to be but still have the urge to call, text, or invite her places.<br />
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Seeing my friends hurt makes my heart hurt. Everyone is coping the best way they can. I see posts, I hear about friends going to the gravesite, I know that people are still crying themselves to sleep at night... So you have all these wonderful friends and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to help them. You just have to stand by and watch as their hearts start to heal then breaks again when they think of her. Seriously, how fucked up is that.<br />
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I am still not sure if I am still in the denial stage or I just really became this psycho motivated "I am Megan, I love myself, hear me roar" person. I hope the hurt never comes. I mean the first week was terrible and maybe because of my agnostic ways of living are involved I hurt more for those around me. Don't get me wrong... I love Michelle and I always will. She is in my heart forever as the most fun-loving, excitable, crazy when drinking redbull, sweet, loving friend... but in her passing I have 180<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Arial Unicode MS', 'Lucida Sans Unicode'; font-size: 16px; line-height: 19.1875px;">°</span> I mean I was jobless, boyfriendless, dealing with all this shitty stuff in life [DUI's suck...Having 2 of them really really sucks]... and then... like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds I realized that I was being stupid. Why waste my life? Why feel bad about the things I cannot change? Why let myself fall into a path of negativity? Why would I let myself go? It hit me like a softball in the face... out of the blue and hard. The saying<b> "<strike>You Only Live Once</strike>"</b> is more of a<b> "You Only Die Once, You Live Everyday" </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Michelle's death although tragic, unexpected, and fucking awful... has given me this motivation to not only live for myself but to live for others. It's not like everyday is going to be a good day and it's not like I am going to completely change who I am.... but I know I need to be better as a person and better for those around me.<br />
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[This started out as a Facebook post. lol]Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-8230417668919685142013-03-09T21:31:00.002-08:002013-03-09T21:31:36.423-08:00The Sun Ain't Got Nothin' On You HoneyI have been thinking about writing a blog since this whole thing happened. There are so many thoughts and feelings.<br />
<br />
Because we all are going through it... I figured I would post the 5 Stages Of Loss. No one goes through these the same... but we will all go through them at some point in the healing process.<br />
<br />
1. Denial<br />
2. Anger<br />
3. Bargaining<br />
4. Depression<br />
5. Acceptance <br />
<br />
There are no words that can express the feelings of loss. It is like a hole is drilled into your heart and never heals, just fills with mindless things to cover the pain. Michelle's death was no one's fault. She was stubborn... so stubborn as she laid unable to move on the floor barely able to breath she told me she was fine. She never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted any help. The fact people are placing blame on others makes my heart hurt. I understand it is a coping mechanism... but if you are placing blame you never even knew Michelle. She would never want anyone to feel bad about this... she would never want hurtful words to be thrown around. That was never who she was, so by people using words to hurt others is absolutely mind blowing. I guess that is just life though.<br />
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I have mixed feelings about being the one who found her. I know Chris would have been there if he had his own truck... but it was probably better that I was down the street and beat everyone else he called there. I can still picture it in my head. I still remember the feeling of panic welling up in my chest. I am glad I can handle those situations with grace. All I wanted to do is yell and cry and vomit and everything all at once... instead I talked in my teacher voice... calm and reassuring.<br />
<br />
What's up honey?<br />
Everything is going to be fine.<br />
I am calling the ambulance.<br />
What is this address?<br />
I'll be right back.<br />
Found the address!<br />
They will be here soon.<br />
<br />
I am going to move your arm, it has to be numb.<br />
Can you feel this hand?<br />
That's good.<br />
What about this hand?<br />
Okay. Great.<br />
<br />
The good thing is, you will probably get amazing drugs.<br />
Morphine!!!<br />
I am going to crate the dogs so they don't scare the paramedics.<br />
Don't worry about anything.<br />
This is just a bump in the road that we will talk about years from now.<br />
I will grab your clothes so you have something to change into.<br />
I can't find your phone charger.<br />
The last thing we want to do is panic.<br />
I will meet you at the hospital.<br />
Everything is going to be fine.<br />
I will see you soon.<br />
<br />
I will never get that image of her out of my head. I asked my friend who is a firefighter how he lives with the images. He just apologized and told me his way is not the way it is supposed to be. I honestly was afraid to sleep the first few nights. I was afraid the event would replay over and over again. I totally respect paramedics, firefighters, military, nurses, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has to see things. It doesn't go away... you just store it in a different part of your brain and hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. So far so good.<br />
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She was put in the ambulance and that is the last time she was conscious. Those are the last things she heard. Me telling her everything was going to be fine. <i>Obviously nothing is fine.</i> We lost one of our own to something so unexpected and honestly... quite stupid. I mean I figured one of us would die of alcohol poisoning or a car accident. Sick and sad... but more plausible than fucking pneumonia. I spent a majority of the day in my calm -everything is going to be okay- state. I mean I was watching people crack around me... and I tried so hard to keep together and to keep positive. Watching her die the first time was enough. Chest compression for 30 minutes, having people crying, me crying, everything just seeming to be one big blur. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate but then had to remind myself that no good would come from me passing out.<br />
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We have had event's in her honor, people have been over at the house practically every night, we've laughed/cried/freaked out and pretty much everything in between. Depending on who you are depends on how you have seen me. Now I am alone and it's calming. It's like the burden of her death weighs heavy on my mind but I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to protect anyone, I don't have to do anything... it is just me, my cat, and my computer.<br />
<br />
It all comes back to that same thing of me being more social on the internet. I love everyone and enjoy spending time with people close to me... but sometimes I just want to have time with my thoughts... the internet is a way for me to analyze how I feel and what I am thinking. Granted... you guys think I type a lot but in reality you only read a portion of what I write. I think, I type, I erase, then I type some more.<br />
<br />
Everyone knows how much I love to take photos. Everyone gives me shit for the amount of photos I take. Is it strange that I felt guilty for the lack of photos I had of Michelle when going through my files? I swore I would have so many. I think I only had about 75 of my own. Now I am just thinking of what happens if someone else dies... What if I don't get enough "good" photos. I guess I will have to start doing photo shoots with everyone just to ensure I have "good" pictures. Michelle was supposed to model for me but we just never made time for it.<br />
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I really didn't get very many. We had so many times we hung out but I just never brought my camera. It was just another day of another week of another month. But now looking back all those random days made up our friendship. Like our time at Str8 Shooters... we SUCKED at beer pong so we just would try to distract the other team. Everyone thought we were sisters and we would just LAUGH... She is so petite and I am so gigantic. But we were blonde so I guess that is what mattered. And whenever she would get antsy because she drank too much I would just pick her up and walk... wouldn't really walk to anywhere in particular... maybe just a couple laps around the bar but she would calm down and wouldn't try to bite anyone. HAHA. She got me good once and I was like... <b>WOMAN!! I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND I'LL LOOK LIKE A WHORE!</b> I laughed so hard even though it hurt. Jacob and I lived with her and Chris the last week of June because my roommates were assholes. We spent time at the lake buddied up while all the boys were being crazy and we even went to the wine and spirits thing together in Berkeley. We discovered there is a lake in Oakland that we were planning to go back to when the weather got warmer [I am still going to go and I will bring her picture]. I realized how much information her brain could store when we went to Dillon's beach. As I was driving she was pointing out different plants telling me their scientific name. Bubbly ass Michelle was full of knowledge and could pull that shit out on a whim. She was an amazing co-worker. If I didn't take a shift she would and vice versa. She would come hang out with me on shifts and even bring me food if I was hungry. She was ALWAYS worried about me being hungry. And she was always willing to come get me if I got drunk. Anytime I was in need she would just totally be there for me. We had our girly talks while no one was around but if we were in a crowd it was always sunshine and flowers. I only seen her pissed off ONE time. She was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad cause the bar was just out of control. So. Me being the giant I just followed her, picked her up, put her in the bathroom, and gave her two choices... hit me or hug me. We hugged and talked for a second and by that time she was just so exhausted she calmed down. [She wasn't really a hitter except she did pop a few of the boys in the face...]<br />
<br />
Her funeral was nice. It was well done... slightly awkward because of the religious propaganda slid in there... but nice none the less. I wish I could have heard Chris, Adam, Jamie, and Kaycee speak about her. The fact the Cabin was not mentioned was pretty upsetting also... especially since most of the people from the funeral were from the bar. I know an image was trying to be upheld but it just didn't capture the Michelle everyone knew. Sprint and Starbucks were side jobs to her. She hated working at sprint because of the uniform. And she quit Starbucks without even a blink of the eye because she made more money bartending and didn't have to deal with customers at 5am. Which brings me to this....<br />
<br />
If I should die a sudden and unexpected death before getting married or having babies.... [Don't worry this is just a.... just in case thing. I will probably live until I am 90 and be pissed off about it. hahaha]<br />
<br />
- My mom and sister are allowed to go through my things. I've hidden nothing from them about who I am and what I am about. They get the choice of what they want. However I want that moment to be shared with my close friends.... because well... they have been stuck with me also. [Just don't let the non-close people go through my dresser drawers... that would be awkward] My close friends can have pretty much anything they want of mine [The important stuff goes to Amy, Brenna, and Jayden though... like my guitar, camera, and computer] All they have to do is ask. You want my perfume... sure. You want articles of clothing... fine. You want random scarves, jewerly, hair stuff... Just ask and my mom will be way laid back about it. Brenna also get's a higher pick than friends... but you kittens just work among yourselves. Whatever you do don't be greedy and don't try to sell off my shit. HAHA. All the people in my life are awesome... so stay awesome.<br />
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- I don't care if you bury me or cremate me. It really doesn't matter. I will be dead. My body is just a vessel nothing more. If I am buried though I do not want an open casket, I do not want a lot of make-up on, and I want to be in something comfortable.. like a Sweater, jeans, and flip flops. LOL. I dunno it just makes sense. If I am cremated and people want to carry a little bit of my ashes... cool. Someone fork over the money to bottle my ashes up. I would however like a place for people to "visit" so a little tomb area would be cool with some of the ashes. Also, if there is going to be a tombstone... write something witty. I don't want a boring tombstone.<br />
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- My favorite flowers are Sunflowers.<br />
<br />
- Also, If I am buried I want people to print out pictures of me and them or of just them with something written on the back of the picture... anything... it could be a poem, a letter, a memory.... just something. Cause my body may be gone but the memories will be what matters.<br />
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- I want EVERYONE to be able to speak at my funeral if they want. I don't care how long it takes. As long as people get the closure they need... I am good with that. So talk on friends.<br />
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- I'd like my funeral to have formal clothing [just because it will be funny to see some of you people dressed up.] Black would not be necessary .. I understand it is a pain in the ass to find funeral clothing. Just dress up and look pretty. <3 Wear whatever color you want. I am more of an earthy toned chick... but whatever you feel like wearing is just dandy.<br />
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- NO CHURCH MUSIC. Play something awesome. Sing it if you want... something that reminds me of you. Or all of you. Pick a good song though. And I think Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine should be at least one of the songs.... even if it is just background music. You guys should dance to it... bwhahaha. Cause I do... every time I hear it. Okay... maybe you won't dance.... because that would be weird... maybe just blast it in your car one time for me.<br />
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- Any money left over from funeral costs... put in my nephew's college fund. Simple. I happen to have lots of money left [very very doubtful] split the money between Jayden's college fund, Brandon's college fund, Carly's college fund, & Amanda's college fund. Do what you can with what is left.<br />
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- I want a party... a celebration of life party. I want you people to remember the awesome times together. I want you to be like... REMEMBER THE TIME THAT MEGAN.... ____________ !!!hahahahahaha make it fun. Enjoy the memories. Enjoy the time we spent together. DO NOT BE ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES.<br />
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All I could ask for after my passing would be for everyone to come together and celebrate life, take care of your own life, and live as awesome as you possibly could. Unless someone actually kills me... don't place blame on anyone. I am a big girl I make my own decisions.<br />
<br />
Somewhat of a saddening thought I know and I am sure I am going to get angry phone calls from my family for posting something like this so soon after my friend passing away... but just watching everyone, seeing all this chaos and unhappiness... seriously. Don't do that. I will be SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. [if there are ghosts... I will haunt you.]<br />
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I was going to combine a couple other things I have been thinking about in this blog but it is already somewhat chaotic. I hope I don't make anyone a sad panda after reading this. I just needed to get this out and aired. I actually feel better... I am just really tired.<br />
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<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-995058488934384642013-02-26T13:27:00.000-08:002013-02-26T13:27:27.748-08:00Blogging Because I Have The TimeSo I have been thinking about typing up a blog for a minute... but everything is always so chaotic.<br />
<br />
<b>Current Financial/Living Status:</b><br />
<br />
Let's see. Regarding me moving to <span style="color: #274e13;">Oregon</span>. Well, I have to set up a court date with my public defender who hasn't returned my call [rude]. I basically have to beg the court to let me move. It almost seems not worth it. I mean, once the time comes where I can no longer tiptoe through the high waters and I finally begin to drown... I will just swim away. <b>CATCH ME IF YOU CAN CALIFORNIA. </b><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">[Plus, leaving my cat behind... it just makes the thought of moving not as appealing.] </span><br />
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The only reason I have been staying afloat is my friends and family. I mean... Jamie didn't kick me out knowing I couldn't pay her rent <span style="font-size: x-small;">[I am just racking up an IOU]</span>, my step-mom has helped with gas and food, and my friends help me keep my social realm active. I've never hit a low like this and asking for help has never been my forte. I am a helper... not a helpee. My pride doesn't allow me to <b>ask</b> for handouts... HOWEVER. <u>I always knew if I needed support I have some of the most amazing people in my life and they definitely have proven themselves.</u> You don't forget shit like that. Everyone who has helped me just does it... none of that... "Do you need help Megan?" Cause I say no almost every time.<br />
<br />
I want a job that allows me to be happy. I mean I am a ninja at typing and at 10-key, I know all office equipment, I am amazing at multiple phone lines, and I have customer service skills up the wazoo. I just need to find something. I wish I knew how to use QuickBooks. I don't want to bartend again but I will if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I mean I am also even considering getting into a labor job. I just need something that pays more than minimum wage!!! And the VERY LAST thing I want to do is go back into retail. I love people... but I hate people who shop. I don't want to clean up after adults and I definitely don't want to sell crap to people who don't need it. Plus. As you all may know I am a creature of habit. So while working at a bar... I drink. While working in retail... I shop. So if I get a job digging ditches... I will bury people... wait... what?<br />
<br />
<b><u>I WANT BEN HAGGERTY'S BABIES.</u></b><br />
<br />
My friend bought me a ticket to see Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I am beyond stoked about it. "Macklemore" just got engaged... and in my little fantasy world... it makes me sad. HAHA. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. Lol. Total groupie status. But on the reality side of things. I LOVE WHAT HE RAPS ABOUT. He talks about everything that people tend to ignore. Especially having a not so pretty past of my own I find myself relating to what he has to say. *le Sigh*<br />
<br />
BUT you want to know what I find to be the coolest part about it? My friend Brooke who no longer even lives in the state of California bought me the ticket. It was one of those genuinely sweet gestures and made my heart super happy. For her to go out of her way to show her appreciation of our friendship was so random but so thoughtful.<br />
<br />
<b>"Megan, What are you doing wrong to always get cheated on?"</b><br />
My buddy asked me that the other day while we were driving. Somewhat of an awkward thought. I am not really sure what I do... but out of the relationships I have had... the ratio is not looking very promising.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
- I told a friend of mine how one of my exes is in a relationship where he is actually being honest to the girl, isn't cheating on her, and has really turned his relationship ways around.<br />
- What does my friend do?<br />
<i>- Laugh. </i><br />
- His thought on it was... "if he cheated your entire relationship & cheated on other girls he talked to... he will cheat again." It made my heart heavy. I don't know his current girlfriend, but she seems to be a nice girl. I mean this friend of mine has never met my ex... so it is just his thoughts on cheaters. I really do hope my ex has a normal faithful relationship and that the girl he is with does not cheat on him either. </blockquote>
<br />
Which that in turn, also makes my heart heavy. <u><i>Always the rule, never the exception.</i></u> It is somewhat silly but you sort of thing of things like... why wasn't I good enough... or why haven't I been good enough... what does she have that I didn't?<br />
<br />
<b>THIS IN NO MEANS IS AN "I WANT MY EX BACK" SITUATION!!!</b> <span style="font-size: x-small;">[fuck that shit I've played that game too many times. It is almost like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeeeeeeeah. No. ]</span><br />
<br />
I love that fool and I will always love him. He was and still is one of my best friends. [weird I know] But I would never go back to that. We are better as long distant friends than in a relationship.<br />
<br />
But in almost every relationship I was some sort of sucker... I treat boyfriends as best friends. I expect them not to lie to me. Like, if you are my best friend... why would you try to hide shit. I know I have had my crazy ass moments... but I am in most cases quite sane when honesty happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted. You cannot exactly slip, fall, and put your penis into another woman without having some sort of conscious thought about it... I have gone both ways about it. I have been off my rocker out of my mind... contemplating a life in prison ready to set his house on fire [Think <i>Miranda Lambert's - Kerosene</i>] and I have also been completely calm and did my best at putting faith in the human good and forgiveness and continued to support him. Neither panned out for my benefit.<br />
<br />
What can I say... I pick some winners. If you are reading this... you probably know some of them. Great guys... just not in a relationship.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My <strike>Online</strike> Life:</span><br />
Everyone knows me through Facebook. They know me more than I know them. Somewhat of a weird concept if you think about it. I seriously have NO IDEA who exactly reads my posts, my blogs, listens to the music I post, laughs at the things I find funny. I mean how many of my 700+ friends know more about me than I know. Actually quite creepy. At a party last night I was greeted by... oh I don't know... 15+ people. Half of them mentioned Facebook. The other half brought up the bar. Bar + Facebook = The people I seem to know. The weird thing is... I almost like it better than way. I like being home and I like having a general audience.<br />
<br />
I really should get out more though. If something interesting happens. I don't tell just one person... I TELL THE ENTIRE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY. [Well, certain things I don't discuss... just because that would be a little awkward. Hey let me tell you about my sex life. Bow chica bow wow]<br />
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Side note: My cat just jumped down to the ground and licked my leg. He really reminds me of a dog. I just wish I could take him on walks without being weird.<br />
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I am undecided on if I want to post this. It has been a few days of coming back to it... writing... saving... walking away... coming back... repeat.Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-13712122585615536412013-01-21T12:20:00.000-08:002013-01-21T12:20:21.867-08:00Single & Unemployed...<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have the overwhelming feeling of the word, "Fuck"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yup. That is pretty much the summary of how I feel. I am sure there is a more appropriate word. But with this feeling you can tell I don't really care. lol. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I hated bartending anyways. I mean... super fun job and WAY more laid back than any other job you can have... but it drains your soul. Plus... with two DUI's and a binge drinking problem I think that NOT working at the bar is a better thing for me. I even called my Ex, Chris, to talk about it. Our biggest relationship problem is I basically have relationships with bars. I always have. First it was Bottom of the Fifth before I was 21, Thompson's Corner when I turned 21, AC's pub & Grill when I worked there, then The Elmira Cabin when I worked there. He just told me that I was stubborn and that I should really look for a normal job instead of jumping on the same problem bus that I always seem to get on. He also made the point of if I get a job [or two] that are long hours I won't have time to go to the bars and I will be able to save money.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Side Note: </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Chris legitimately is one of my best friends. We also talked about how it was weird that we could talk about things like me dating and him moving into a house with his girlfriend. He is that one guy that I will forever love but can never be in love with because we are awesome apart and toxic together. We rarely talk but when I need to talk to someone he is always there to be like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEGAN?!?!" And I heed his advice. Basically no one knows me like he knows me because of the 7+ years we spent together and he has no ill intentions towards me. We are how divorced couples are supposed to act... except we never got married. lol. </span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Speaking of dating. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't really date I just sort of jump into a non-titled relationship. <b>Hook, Line, and Sinker. </b>It is not only my fault though. It isn't like I go super clingy crazy status. It is just how do you talk to more than one person and not feel like a nasty little slut? LOL. I am not even talking about sleeping with people. I am really talking about talking/dating/etc... Why would I want to get to know multiple people all at the same time? I mean I have a terrible memory in the first place and I also seem to have diarrhea of the mouth so if I do happen to talk to more than one person everyone is going to know about it... including the people I am dating. I can't "talk to" more than one person. So then it falls into an exclusive category. Cause if you are only really talking to one person and not even interested in talking to anyone else... and the other person feels the same way.... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Like I said before... throw up in mouth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Man. I really over think stuff. I actually signed up for Match.com or something like that... but then immediately deleted the account. For being such an extrovert I am really not into meeting new people... I have a hard enough time balancing out the friends I have now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I do know however how I want to be treated. I want to have a best friend who I can stand to be around who genuinely cares about me and my interests and wants me to be happy... even if it means kissing me on the forehead when I am sad panda. lol. For being such a dominant female... I am really just a puppy. I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Plus I heard somewhere that it actually boosts endorphin's... lose job and I just want to cuddle. Weird. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">[How does it <u>literally</u> kill?]</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Jacob was more of a friend who I just happened to help and sleep with for 6 months. You know... it's casual. We had a few really cute boyfriend/girlfriend moments but I knew it was not a forever thing... it was just a give and take to balance out life. I will say one thing in his defense... once he gets a few years on him and if he doesn't get all fucking tainted by life... he will make some woman an excellent husband. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My mom wants me to move to Oregon with her. Free place to stay until I find a job and then I could just help with bills and such. I've always talked about moving up there... even before she lived there. I love it there... it is a whole different way of life. However, leaving would be insanely difficult. I've lived in this area for SOOOOOOO long now. There are certain friends that I have a hard time imagining leaving behind. I would have to start over. I would have to make new friends. I would have to deal with all the same shit I have already been through to find friends that I have now and a lot of my friends are SO unique... it would be impossible to replace them. I know only like one person who would make the trip to come see me. But I would live close to all sorts of awesome outdoors stuff, be closer with my family, and have new opportunities. Some people say go and some people say stay. At least I could date people who don't know each other. lol. </span><br />
<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-62595815460949099702012-12-23T07:44:00.001-08:002012-12-23T07:44:11.725-08:00Megan's Corner... Cause no one puts baby in the corner.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I wonder how people really see me. I know you are not supposed to worry about what other's think but honestly we all have some curiosity about it. No one ever really says anything negative to my face [occasionally behind my back but that is inevitable] Whenever people say anything it is all flowers and sunshine.<br />
<br />
<b>I try to make EVERYONE happy so then I am just sort of mediocre.</b> I really don't invite people to hang out with me [the bar doesn't count], I really don't try to hang out with anyone else. So I have a huge group of friends... that I never really hang out with... and the irony of it... it is on my own accord. I know people because I listen and I often analyze and figure them out without them really having to tell me anything. This leads me to appreciating that person without giving them a chance to personally know me or being able to appreciate just hanging out.<br />
<br />
Most people know me from either parties, the bar, or Facebook. So in any situation... it is either drunk or online.<br />
<br />
I have realized that when I am emotionally hurt... I feel this STRONG urge to deal with it physically. Instead of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way like talking about them or crying it out. I end up drinking and become physically violent. Sounds like a cutter situation but it isn't. I want to punch things and/or get punched. It's a sick way of forgetting about the emotional to deal with the physical. I understand completely that this is a very unhealthy behavior... but what do you do? Nothing because it isn't your problem.<br />
<br />
The other night I finally snapped, I drank myself into an oblivion and ended up crying hysterically. I was so emotionally exhausted I called my mom. I never was really good at involving my mom in my personal crisis situations because she always had her own to deal with. Now that my mom has her life under control it seemed she was the only person I could talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me or make me feel worse. So I sat there bawling my eyes out telling my mom everything. We both agreed I need therapy and that I am an alcoholic.<br />
<br />
I am not an alcoholic in the way that I get the shakes or absolutely NEED a drink... but I have known for quite some time that I have a problem. I am what is considered a binge drinker. If I have one... it will not stop there. I will drink until I feel sick or black out. In my DUI class, the group leader always brings me up in some sort of negative way because I think I am one of the few who is actually honest.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>I am a bartender - Bartenders are 80% more likely to be an alcoholic. </li>
<li>I have not one but TWO DUI's - I am more than likely to get a third. </li>
<li>Everyone in my family is some sort of addict - I am practically 100% at risk of being an addict. </li>
</ul>
<div>
I am an alcoholic, a smoker, and I am addicted to caffeine. All legal... but all in excess. When I do drink [like I said before] I drink until I can no longer physically take another drink. The only thing that stops me from drinking like that is if I have some person I feel responsible for. Otherwise... party on Wayne. I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day... if I am having a bad day I can smoke close to two packs. My caffeine intake is out of control. I need <u>at least</u> one caffeinated beverage a day to function normally... however, I have been known to drink coffee, then a red bull then another coffee, then a rock star and then tea. ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAY. </div>
<br />
<br />
The DUI group leader always says he isn't there to tell us we are alcoholics. He did say that to know if we are alcoholics, "If you have had someone concerned about your drinking or if you have ever been concerned about your drinking... you are probably an alcoholic."<br />
<br />
"Hi my name is Megan."<br />
-- "Hi Megan"<br />
<br />
I have just been going through it lately dealing with drama, depression, lack of a sufficient income.<br />
<br />
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This is sort of a weird analogy. But I feel like this photo I shot earlier this year. I absolutely love this photo for it's simplicity... You focus on the pomegranate and the red board. Pretty. So you look at the photo and go okay how does this relate to what the hell you were just talking about Megan? If you follow the fence line on the diagonal scale... there is a dead pomegranate. It's rotted and gross and I probably could have cut it out of the tree and taken the photo. The problem... I didn't notice the dead pomegranate. Now that I see it however I think about it all the time. Ugly, dead, rotted pomegranate.<br />
<br />
Told you this was a weird analogy. Okay. So the picture is like me. Simple, good, well planned, and pretty. This picture makes me happy [I have it as my desktop]. Nobody really notices the rotted pomegranate... but it is still there... ruining the picture. You wouldn't realize it unless you stared at the picture for a long enough time.You just see a fence, red board, and pomegranates.<br />
<br />
Does that make sense?<br />
<br />
I don't really talk about my problems in person. Granted... I talk A LOT. But never really about anything that stings. I just talk about random stuff. And like I brought up earlier... I have LOTS of friends. Lots of friends I don't really talk to... or even really want to tell negative things to. I have an image that I like to keep. I like being that happy, bubbly, caring person that I normally am. Everyone knows I have issues... because everyone has issues. But I like to contain mine.<br />
<br />
With what happened before... I tried to contain. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to talk about it. The only people I talked to were people I trusted. However, I was informed that EVERYONE knows. Not really sure who everyone is... but I have been suspecting EVERYONE is way the fuck too many people.<br />
<br />
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.<br />
<br />
Okay that is a really dark quote... but in all seriousness. Drama spreads like wildfire. I don't do drama. I like to keep in my own little pod of simplicity. I don't want to lose what I was so happy to obtain. I don't like change but I still know that change is inevitable. FUCK YOU CHANGE.<br />
<br />
So anywho. Besides all the other crap I have written in this whiny snot nosed blog.<br />
<br />
I, my friends, am a codependent.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">Codependency</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"> is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or </span>manipulated<span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"> by another who is affected with a pathological condition</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"> and in broader terms, <b>it refers to the dependence on the needs of</b> <strike>or control of</strike> <b>another</b>.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;"> It also often involves <b>placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. </b></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19.200000762939453px;">Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.</span></blockquote>
The definition is pretty broad. Basically I have been a codependent my WHOLE life... even when I was a kid. I place myself below to make others feel better. Hence, why I don't really know how to handle my own emotional onslaught of chaos... I just want to punch things. Another reason why I don't care to really share my emotionally distraught way of thinking... another reason why I have had an insane past of failed relationships... with friends and boyfriends.<br />
<br />
<i>I just want you to be happy. </i><br />
<br />
Another thing that sort of threw me for a loop. The other day I was called a hypocrite and it stung REALLY bad. Like put a little hole in my heart. The reasoning is because I always analyze people and situations. I normally can figure out what kind of childhood a person had, why they react the way the do, a general assumption of any negative things that have happened, and what a person is about within a few times of talking to someone. It seems like I am judging... but I am not judging. Just analyzing and offering advice the best way I can.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<b>WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO OFFER ADVICE WHEN</b> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: center;">
<b>YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP YOURSELF?!</b></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
You know that saying that it is easier to see someone else's problems rather than your own? You know how you cannot really analyze your own problems because you are not looking at it from an outside perspective? Yes. That is how I offer advice. I've been through a lot, I've listened to a lot of people, I have studied a bit of psychology, I have read multiple self-help books, and I am a co-dependent... which means I am always looking for a way to help someone else. I don't think I am a hypocrite for not heeding my own advice. I think the way I handle my situations are far from perfect YET I usually analyze the FUCK out of the outcomes and what I want to do.<br />
<br />
I deactivated my Facebook account for the whole day of December 22nd. I spent over 24 hours in bed. Laying there with my kitten, puffy eyed, and depressed. I got up a total of 5 times... only to go smoke... then immediately get back into bed. Didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't eat... just slept. Dreaming seemed better than facing the day. Facing people.<br />
<br />
Since I slept for so long I woke up finally at 5:30 a.m. and decided that I needed to get back on the saddle. I've drank coffee, put the dishes away and loaded the dishwasher, and wrote this insanely long blog. I am not one to accept pity. I am not one who wants anyone's advice. I just felt the need to unload. Putting myself on blast via the internet is probably not the best way to handle my situation. But it is the one way to relate to others and to get shit off my chest. So no, this is not a cry for help, this is not a pity party, this is not something I want you to think about when you see me. It is an unload of the bag of rocks I have been dragging around with me... it is a way for me to unload without needing to find that violence.<br />
<br />
Christmas is almost here and I am not ready. Not in the least. I made some Christmas presents but that is all. I have no money to pay rent... so I have no money to buy presents. I guess it is time to jump back on the Facebook train.Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-24552730064715785662012-11-02T03:56:00.000-07:002012-11-02T03:58:42.846-07:00Awake at the deadly hourYou know it is terrible being awake while everyone else sleeps. No matter how you flip it... you are just the asshole who is still awake. So now I am hold up in the garage chain smoking using Jacob's laptop because I cannot use my desktop because I type like the key board stole my lunch money.<br />
<br />
[btw... Laptops are much quieter than normal keyboards. I feel like a typing ninja]<br />
<br />
Quick update on life. I've lived at Jamie's house for 4 months now. It has been spectacular [with only a minor set back happening recently... I feel an onslaught coming on... maybe it is just me being overly worried because of my assholenish the other day]. I really enjoy living here. My roommates are awesome, pretty simple life and the time has gone by so quickly it is actually quite scary. Not sure if I had mentioned the whole Justin and Jonathan fiasco... but yeah a month and a week and that ended. I still haven't received my deposit. But soon enough. ANYWAYS. Jacob and I have been living together for about the same amount of time that I have lived with Jamie and Amber. We became "official" on September 8th. Weird. It really doesn't matter, we just sorta work well together. I still share too much information but I think that is just my lifestyle. I am an extrovert. It happens. I have always been an online share too much junkie... but then again... what else would you read if I didn't share?? Hmm?<br />
<br />
I sorta need a topic to write about. I just seem to be sitting here talking with my fingers to whoever you are. I even went on google to find a "Blog Topic" but I am not trying to really promote anything or make you people any more educated. I am just rambling. I even considered talking about my kitten... but I don't think you really want to read about him. [Even though he is pretty amazing.]<br />
<br />
Alright, well I guess I will write about something I have noticed with friends. Why not. You may or may not be one of them. Let us see here...<br />
<br />
I've noticed with a lot of my female friends that they don't seem satisfied. [No I am not talking sexually] It actually makes me upset a bit, like you are beautiful, smart, funny, witty, and can roll with the punches... Why are you letting minor bullshit get in your way of happiness?<br />
<br />
You are better than you think you are. Seriously. Maybe this doesn't apply to you personally... but try it. Make a happy list. [It is quite entertaining once you get the ball rolling. I have told MULTIPLE people to do it... but I doubt anyone really listens.]<br />
<br />
So while I am going to get off topic. Here is my happy list TODAY [it changes from time to time and even though some of the things didn't happen to day... thinking about them make me happy.]<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Buying other people things they don't expect is something that I totally get a kick out of. I dunno. It could be just something random I see at the store that makes me think of them... of course I can't do it always BUT when I can it makes me happy. [Try it. It is pretty awesome]</li>
<li> Laying on the carpet during the day when the sun is out and taking a nap. Cats do it all the time... there is a reason. IT FEELS AMAZING.</li>
<li>Frolicking for no reason other than an AWESOME song is on. Get other people to do it with you and it multiplies the AWESOME impact.</li>
<li>Typing blogs. Sometimes I get somewhat wary of writing anything. I mean putting yourself out there or talking about things that are taboo is somewhat intimidating but when I do it I almost always feel confident in my decision. Half the stuff I write about can relate to someone. Maybe not everyone... but hell. At least I get it out there and you know that you aren't alone either.</li>
<li>Writing nice things about other people. When is the last time you went to someone else's facebook page and told them how much you appreciate them? Doing it all the time is overkill but I got a message today and it made me smile. I hope when I write about other people they feel the way I felt.</li>
<li>Grocery shopping with Jacob. Yeah, sort of weird... but you know what. I am so use to split up and attack the isles that it is sorta nice just walking about the store figuring out what to buy. [Paying for it sucks... but the shopping part is nice]</li>
<li>Tipping well. I am in the living off tips business... so I know how happy you can make someone. </li>
</ul>
Okay now that I have given you some examples... try it. AAAAAAAAAAND on to the next topic [I finally thought of something]<br />
<br />
SHIT TALKING. [Way to kill the mood, eh?] We all have done it and we all will continue to do it. I've talked, you've talked, we've probably talked together, maybe you have even talked about me. All this talk talk talk. The real question behind it is would you own up to it? I mean... if the person you were talking about confronted you about it... [cause let's get real... it ALL comes back around one way or another at some point] would you be honest or be defensive? I take the owning up to it route... I mean... if I think it... well, you might as well hear it from the donkey's mouth right? At least you get the full on impact of what I was saying instead of some telephone type ending. A friend of mine was at the bar and was telling another person that if she heard anyone talking shit she would undoubtedly fight them. For me, I find this unnecessary. If someone doesn't like me. Well, hats off to them. I find it humorous. I've been the awkward kid before and I will always be that awkward kid. [You don't really grow out of it... you just grow bigger and stronger. lol] I mean I have had some nasty little rumors spread... There are two times that shit talking pisses me off.<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>When the information is false or one sided. If you have a question or comment... please. Be my guest. I am not here to get all "WHAT OH NO NO NO I DIDN'T DO THAT" If I did it I own up to it. The more you try to hide shit, the more shit falls out of the closet when you aren't paying attention. Might as well air out the dirty laundry... that way the stench doesn't stick around.</li>
<li>Eh, that is about it. HAHAHAHAHA there is no 2nd one. It is just that one. LOL. </li>
</ol>
I really don't have anything else to talk about. I am actually tired now. All this thinking and rationalizing thoughts this late/early is making my brain hurt. <br />
<br />
<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-31056671031557918912012-10-11T14:49:00.003-07:002012-10-11T14:53:47.734-07:00Relationships And Battle Axes<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">A lot of my blogs have been about relationships, sex, and then a combination of other junk. I figured I would talk about marriage because well... it seems to be that time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">[If you were recently married, are getting married, or have been married for awhile... I am not talking about YOU. This is just a blog about my personal thoughts that sprouted up from a bar conversation]</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><u><i>Lets Get Personal:</i></u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Once upon a time... I refused the thought or even talk about marriage. I figured I would forever just be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and not have to deal with the legal crap that comes with a divorce <span style="font-size: x-small;">[Divorce runs in my family.]</span> Well, after a 7 <span style="background-color: white;"><em style="font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 16px;">½ </em><em style="font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;">year</em><em style="font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 16px;"> </em><em style="font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;">off and on relationship there came a point in that relationship that I was ready and willing to get married. After many discussions and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with that person. It took the last year for me to REALLY get into it. I had planned our life, our wedding, and what would happen. <b>THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT</b> is the entire year that I was all goo-goo ga-ga over getting married... was the year that we fell apart. I was SO focused on our future, that the relationship itself failed. </em></span></span><em style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;">Irony I guess you could say. </em><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Seems like people don't appreciate what they have until it is gone</span></div>
<em style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-style: normal; line-height: 16px;"><br /></em>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">It has been over a year since we have split... currently I believe he is happy in a relationship and has gotten on the road of getting what he wants out of life. I am genuinely happy for him. He will always be my best friend and I know that if in a bind I could call him or he could call me and we would help each other through any situation... but we were toxic in a romantic relationship. I was trying to make him be someone he wasn't and he was doing the same to me. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">So if I had accepted his marriage proposal we would have continued to be the same people we weren't. I would be drowning in an attempt to be "perfect" and he would be trying to go out and get his fill of "excitement" </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><i><u>"You know I don't understand why people are sympathetic for a break-up... obviously it is a reason to celebrate. It wasn't like 'Oh we are so happy let's break up' There was something wrong"</u></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="line-height: 16px;">The point is, getting married would not fix the relationship. It would just require legal documentation for a break-up. Marriages DO NOT FIX RELATIONSHIPS. [oh yeah... babies don't either... just saying]</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="line-height: 16px;"><br /></span></b></span>
<br />
<b style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><u><i>Onto the general aspect:</i></u></b><br />
So you have this push to get married and have babies. Honestly though the average lifespan is WAAAAAY more than it use to be. Why rush into something?<br />
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It sounds like I am knocking marriage. Which I am not. I think marriage is romantic. You are giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. That is a huge thing! I mean... THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That is a long damn time.<br />
<br />
Anyways. Let's move back for a second. Before you get married, you are in a relationship. You meet someone you find them funny and attractive. You have to go through this whole getting to know each other stage. That... awkward uncomfortable "Oh god I hope I don't have anything in my teeth" stage. So you go through that stage and find out more about the person and then you move into the relationship part. Then you have the check-in's and cuddle at home and watch movies in sweat pants stage. From their you become more comfortable... yet, you still find things out about the person that are not exactly what you expected. Walls come down, the past presents itself, and the make-it or break-it comes out. Sometimes this stage doesn't happen until you move in together. I mean people do some really weird stuff. [this is just a general outline... doesn't always play out that way... especially since my current relationship has been so ass backwards it isn't even funny. lol We were friends then moved in together then got into a relationship. lol]<br />
<br />
I know a lot of my single friends are going through this <b>NOW OR NEVER</b> feeling and settling for people that may or may not be good for them... It all takes time. Recently I have discovered that it is not about the past, it is not about the future, it is ALL about right now. I finally am in something that I am happy with... I am not counting on the future and I am not dwelling on what has happened in past relationships. I am just here right now and <u>he makes me happy</u> and<u> I want to make him happy</u>. It is the simplest feeling I have ever felt and it has never been more awesome.<br />
<br />
Last time I was in Reno I had this rough night where I broke off from the group I was with and went to this little hotel bar and sat there getting HAMMERED by myself. One of the other people from the group found me sitting at the bar and sat down where I had this "FUCK RELATIONSHIPS AND FUCK GUYS FUCK GIRLS AND FUCK THIS AND FUCK THAT AND I AM GOING TO BE SINGLE FOREVER AND I WILL HAVE MY OWN DAMN BABY BY MY OWN DAMN SELF I WILL BE A SINGLE PARENT REGARDLESS AND FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY AT THE WORLD" Yep. Angry sad panda Megan [who definitely has a potty mouth] The guy sat with me trying to change my view, saying that I would find someone and I would be okay and that all is good in the world. Well, after the lies and bullshit that came with the last guy I was seeing... I came to the point where I am now. I am genuinely happy and although I am not counting my chicks before they hatch. Things will be okay for me.<br />
<br />
It is hard to believe you will be okay after a break-up or when you are single... but everything comes full circle you just have to leave the past hurt behind you. It is a new thing and you cannot treat the new person as you treated the old person.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Learn from your mistakes but don't carry them around like a battle axe, because you will only cut off your own limbs.</i> </blockquote>
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I get so sidetracked while typing that my brain cannot process all the information in a smooth moving blog. There is more I wanted to say but it got lost in the past and the present and everything else.<br />
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The main point of this was marriage is about loving someone with all their flaws being able to communicate effectively and depend on one another for support. A relationship is not about flowers and cute text messages but about the friendship that is deeper and more personal than any other. It is about having someone who can love you for who you are and even with disagreements and fights. It is about teamwork trying to push forward in life all the while stopping to enjoy the little moments. It is about little gestures and late night discussions. It is about the good and the bad and the crazy. It is about the both of you and the balance that you can find from having each other.Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-3105501999291402832012-08-21T10:46:00.002-07:002012-08-21T10:46:28.384-07:00Just pawns in this game of life. <span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I woke up in a fury of thoughts this morning because I was over-thinking everything last night. Now there is no strict way of writing for me. I babble, hence the name of the blog... so try to stay with me on this one. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am going to mention politics. Of course, politics has never been my game and I honestly have <u>not </u>been studying the course of action for the presidential candidates. The thing that has been getting to me is this "War on Women" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I just do not understand how politics have to be involved with <u>my</u> reproduction rights... It seems that things have shifted from gay rights to women's rights in the last 4 years. Yes, the battle of the LGBT right to marry is still raging on and I am supportive of it. I DON'T CARE WHO ANYONE MARRIES, IF YOU WANT IT DO IT!!! People get married for all types of reasons, what right do I have telling anyone who they can and can't marry... we have men and women doing it all the time for wrong reasons so if you actually want to marry the person you are in love with and get the benefits of it I support it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Anyways, the thing about this whole War on Women thing. I understand people are upset about abortions, trust me... I have heard every reason why it is wrong... I just cannot fathom WHY it has anything to do with anyone else. Are you going to be supporting the baby once it is born? Why aren't all these pro-lifers adopting babies? Do they realize when abortions became legal, crime rates went down? DO YOU KNOW WHY CRIME RATES WENT DOWN? BECAUSE ALL THE BABIES THAT WERE GOING TO BE NEGLECTED THEN TURNING INTO CRIMINALS WERE NOT BEING BORN! I believe a fetus in the first trimester has no feelings, it is just a grouping of cells... in it's most animalistic state. Once a baby is born it has gained the necessities to actually survive [although we as humans have lost our "instincts" from poor evolution] Regardless, I don't understand why fetuses are being protected while babies, children, and women ARE NOT. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> And then there is this guy Todd Akin running for senate that was trying to change "rape" to "forcible rape"... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I have never heard of a woman [OR MAN] who has been raped be like, "Oh yeah, well if you are going to do it... please go ahead." You know the sick part... is I know A LOT OF PEOPLE who have been raped, molested, sexually abused. More than you would actually spot... and a lot of rapes are never reported. I know, because I have talked to people and I actually don't know of anyone who has... and I never reported mine... DUN DUN DUUUUUN. [Nothing changes if we all keep our dirty little secrets.] </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well damn it. Now I am all pissed off. All this presidential stuff and propaganda and legitimate bull shit was making me think last night. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">WE ARE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF PAWNS</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I mean if you think about it. The president doesn't control the United States... it is a face for the public. We as the general population are being placed against one another over rights... maybe this election has brought in women's rights to divert us from the big problems that have been swept under the rug. We are just a bunch of sub-cultures battling each other while the real problems are oblivious to us. It is like in movies where the government doesn't tell the population the dirty on anything because it will spring panic. How much is being hidden from us? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All this thinking is seriously making my brain hurt. [Insert blonde joke here] but seriously it is like there is no real answer... only more questions and more unknown.</span><br />
<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-65231246903123888632012-02-06T22:39:00.000-08:002012-02-06T22:39:44.633-08:00Orgasms because you may or may not know this.The ORGASM. Dun dun duuuuun. It is so damn taboo but all of us pretty much want it... some men joke about it, some men are embarrassed by it, and ALL of them think about it [because women think about it too!]. Well the thing that makes me upset about the whole orgasm thing is that men know how to achieve it with themselves. You touch your penis and ta-da... it feels good. You rub it and holy hell you just released a load onto your bed sheets. God forbid you have a woman [or man depends on your forte] involved with it.<br />
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The thing about women is it is not something especially talked about. I mean even me... as submerged into the sexual world as I have allowed [I wanted to be a sexologist, opening my own adult store geared towards women's sexuality and education promoting healthy sexual behaviors for women... but GoodVibes in the City beat me to it... 20-years before I was born...] I hate the word: Vagina. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SAY.<br />
<br />
Both sexes have the four phases of sexual response. Called the <u>Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Excitement</li>
<li>Plateau</li>
<li>Orgasm</li>
<li>Resolution</li>
</ul>
<div>
So not everyone is the same but this a SUPER-GENERAL-BREAKDOWN</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>Excitement </li>
<ul>
<li>in both Men and Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Increase in blood pressure and heart rate</li>
<li>Nipple erections [Most common in females]</li>
</ul>
<li>in Men</li>
<ul>
<li>Penis becomes erect</li>
<li>Testes elevate and engorge</li>
<li>Scrotal skin thickens and tenses</li>
</ul>
<li>in Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Clitoris swells</li>
<li>Labia majora separate away from vaginal opening</li>
<li>Labia minora swell and darken in color</li>
<li>lubrication begins </li>
<li>Uterus elevates</li>
<li>Breasts enlarge</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<li>Plateau</li>
<ul>
<li>in both Men and Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Involuntary muscle contractions especially in hands and feet</li>
<li>Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing increase</li>
</ul>
<li>in Men</li>
<ul>
<li>Engorgement and elevation of testes becomes more pronounced</li>
<li>"Pre-Cum" may occur</li>
</ul>
<li>in Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Clitoris withdraws under its hood</li>
<li>Uterus becomes fully elevated</li>
<li>Areola becomes more swollen</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<li>ORGASM</li>
<ul>
<li>in both Men and Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Involuntary muscle spasms throughout the body</li>
<li>Blood pressure, breathing, and heart rates at maximum levels</li>
<li>Involuntary contractions of rectal sphincter </li>
</ul>
<li>in Men</li>
<ul>
<li>Pooling of seminal fluid</li>
<li>Semen expelled by contractions of muscles around the base</li>
</ul>
<li>in Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Orgasmic platform contracts rhythmically 3 to 15 times</li>
<li>Uterine contractions occur</li>
<li>Clitoris remains under its hood</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<li>Resolution</li>
<ul>
<li>in both Men and Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing resume to normal immediately after orgasm</li>
<li>Sex flush disappears rapidly</li>
<li>Nipple erection subsides slowly</li>
</ul>
<li>in Men</li>
<ul>
<li>Erection subsides in over a period of a few minutes</li>
<li>Testes descend and return to their normal size. </li>
<li>Resolution quite rapid in most men</li>
</ul>
<li>in Women</li>
<ul>
<li>Clitoris descends and engorgement slowly subsides</li>
<li>Labia return to unaroused size</li>
<li>Uterus descends to normal position</li>
<li>Lack of orgasm after period of high arousal may dramatically slow resolution.</li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
</div>
<br />
Many women get caught at the Plateau stage. But there are different kinds of orgasms for a woman. You have clitoral stimulation, internal which includes a G Spot orgasm(which G stands for the GUY it was named after... Grafenberg), and somewhere between those is the "squirt" which even with all the books I have read on the subject I STILL have not found an article explaining it.<br />
<br />
It normally takes a woman longer than a man in the excitement phase. Normally their is some sort of social stigma attacking our brains. But once we get passed our constant thought processes we can finally hit the plateau stage... the only problem... foreplay was finished a long time ago and they are in their resolution stage. [Not always... but I am just saying... foreplay is important]<br />
<br />
Not all women are the same [just like not all men are the same] I know women who HATE oral, some who love it, I know women who hate being touched and others that need to have clitoral or internal stimulation before even THINKING about sex, I know women who love anal, and others who would probably deck someone in the face if it happened, I know women who want to be touched and kissed softly and women who want things to be rough, I know women who use vibrators before and during sex. I mean seriously... the combinations are ENDLESS.... and it is pretty messed up because women expect men to know.<br />
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That's about all I am going to say.Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-53041807863972311142012-01-05T15:32:00.000-08:002012-01-05T15:32:01.426-08:00I Bleed Happiness.I am happy.<div>
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Seriously, I am to a point of being so happy it is somewhat concerning. Life has been a wild ride but right now it's absolutely perfect. I am sitting here smiling. There is not one specific thing that is making me happy but a list of things.</div>
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<u>MEGAN'S TOTALLY AWESOME HAPPY LIST</u></div>
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<li>I have a roof over my head. Now sometimes we forget how important this is... but I was blessed with an awesome father who no matter how old I get he still is willing to take me back in. He wants me to be happy and healthy and to succeed. Without my dad I would not have much, he has been my stability and I am so grateful to have him. Even after the years in high school where I lost my damn mind and put partying first he still took care of me. Currently he does not charge me rent or anything else. He just wants me to be okay. Even though it would be nice to have my own spot, him giving me a place to live rent free means I can take care of all my debt and start over. He was the one who made me do a voluntary repo on my motorcycle which made me upset because it was my first big purchase but he knows best and ever since it has been picked up I realize how much money I am saving. [I love my daddy-o]</li>
<li>I have an AWESOME job. Although being a bartender for the rest of my life is not exactly where I see myself... for the time being it really helps. I have been able to meet amazing people, the regulars are great and knowing that they like me is important, I have great co-workers... from the other bartenders, to the security, and even the manager. I could not have asked for a better team to work with. I make really good money from just working three days a week and I know that being there I can not only influence people but I can help make the business succeed. </li>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; text-align: left;">“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” </span></blockquote>
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<li> My mom is back in my life for good. Even though we are 300miles apart. We talk more often and seeing her for a weekend made me realize how much I miss her. I miss my whole family as crazy as everyone is... I love all of them and they all love me.</li>
<li>I have a sweet new ride. LOL. It may be used and have minor little quirks... but not having to drive my 92 Honda Accord around any more has been absolutely wonderful. I mean it got me from point A to point B and I have plenty of memories with that car BUT I feel more confident in the car I have. I want to keep it clean, take care of it, and make it last a long time. Appearance is not everything but you seriously cannot be taken seriously when you drive a car that looks like it has been beaten to hell and back. </li>
<li>I actually have been attempting to dress more feminine... a little country but it is more fitting. I may not be the prettiest girl in town and I may not do my hair or make-up but I am confident... I feel good about myself. However, I have been thinking I want to start cooking more and eating healthier. Not because of weight or anything [because I could honestly use a little more weight... too thin is gross] But because eating healthier will help cleanse me from the inside which will complete the outside. </li>
<li> I have ABSOLUTELY amazing friends. I have my BFF's who are always down for me no matter what or whenever. But I have old and new friends who also have my back. Even the aquiantences I have are pretty damn amazing. I have always known a lot of guys... but my male vs female ratio is balancing out. Having good girls [or the not so "good" girls lol] on my side is pretty sweet. Hopefully one of these days I want to get a party bus and just take all of them with me to party!! [Even my older sister who NEVER goes out to party... I love her too because she is one of my BFF's]</li>
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But yes. This is a list of why I am happy. I forgot to mention I am on the path of paying of my debt [including my car...] I have just been saving like crazy so I can pay everything off all at once. WOOT!</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have been pretty good about not being mushy [cause I ain't no punk lol] But at sometime in my life I would like to find a man who loves Zombies just as much as I do. One who has mechanical skills and can lift more than I can. One who loves motorcycles but loves to cuddle more. One who appreciates the effort I put into cooking and does not complain when it's burnt. LOL. I want to find someone who will let me fall asleep with my head on their chest so I can listen to their heart beat. I want them to understand I am "tough" but I also want to feel safe when I am with them. I want someone I can be spontaneous with, just have those moments where it's like take a dart to a map and "LET'S GO!" I want a man who can be my best friend and who is willing to learn new things. Also, he has to appreciate my obsession with photos. I want to be able to take care of him when he is sick and bake him cakes for his birthdays. Even though I am tom-boyish in many ways... I still have that hope for a healthy relationship where I can grow old with someone I can call my best friend until the day I die....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Okay. I'll stop. I know one day I will fall in love again, however, now is not my time... and I am not looking. Being single has actually been quite wonderful this time around. I have met tons of new awesome people and I know I would not be as spontaneous if I were in a relationship. You can't call me cocky but I am definitely confident in myself. I have quite a bit going for me and I am blessed to have so many great people in my life... when I hear love songs though my girly side starts to show. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You know what I am realizing now? I am terrible at blogging. I mean when I was working a desk job I had tons of things to talk about. Now I am a little more reserved. [say whaaaaa?] So I will end this with this song... because everything is ALRIGHT. </span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/etr7UtnUflM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-42925151537679697662011-10-24T15:42:00.000-07:002011-10-24T15:50:37.420-07:00A Lighthouse In This Hellish Storm<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<i><a href="http://randombabbleblog.blogspot.com/2011/10/blood-letting-and-pain-of-broken-heart.html">Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart</a></i><b> </b>has 52 page views. It has been one hell of a week.</div>
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Last Monday it was decided that Chris and I were going to give up on attempting relationship counseling to save the seven some odd years we have invested into each other. At first I was fine and then I was sad and then I was angry and now I feel anxious but more in control. There is no need to feel badly it is just hard to imagine him with someone else, I couldn't imagine losing my best friend... my confidant... the person I could rely on to help me through hard times. My heart ached knowing I was going to lose out on the memories like his nieces baptism and being with his family. The fact we could not make memories together any longer, hurt.</div>
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Seriously. I felt like shit... I had lost a friend to death and I had lost someone I was madly in love with in the same week. What a blow to self-esteem. Yet, I had an epiphany. I was sitting on my floor in my disaster of a room and it hit me like a bag of rocks in the face. This is my moment to take control. Chris and I will always love each other and as much as I enjoy being in his presence I have a theory.</div>
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Don't worry I am not beating myself up over it, nor am I saying he is the bad guy. But I am relieving myself of the need to try to fix us. If he wouldn't have left I would have forever tried. Constantly struggling to find a balance I would never achieve and he would always feel as if I didn't care about him. </div>
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I definitely wish things were different. I wish we could have caught the problems in the beginning. If we were to have gone to counseling I think this would have been discovered and we may have been able to figure something out. I know I am slightly still in denial... and I catch myself thinking about him a lot... wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. I mean I have no idea how he feels.</div>
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This is the first time after ANY breakup that I have not found myself attached to some other guy and although I was advised by many, I do not feel like "enjoying my single days" If I am asked on a date I may say yes if I am interested... but I am not on the prowl. I don't need that attention. I am confident in who I am and I know I have things to accomplish. Plus, the whole sexual aspect makes life SO COMPLICATED. I am not ready for complications. All I need right now is to focus on myself and surround myself with friends.</div>
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Right now many of my friends are hurting, they are feeling the way I was feeling. They have the weight from Devon on their shoulders. I may not be the strongest person but when it comes to the people I love and care about I put my battle face on equipped with the support they may need at any given time. People who need that companionship or shoulder to cry on have me... because I am strong enough to carry that burden. I am not however, strong enough to carry the weight of relationship problems at this moment... Normally I can bare it but relationship drama at this moment is like a slap in the face. </div>
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I sorta got off track with creating the cycle picture [I still love Micrcosoft Paint] back to the epiphany. I am a busy person I fill my time with the most random things. I am here I am there I am pretty much everywhere. Too much downtime is a waste of time and I have become side tracked. Devon and Chris are gone, does this mean I should lie around in bed crying all day... No, it means that this is the push I need to get things I need to handle HANDLED. I am getting pretty good grades this semester and after this I have one more semester left until I get my associates in liberal arts with the emphasis on social sciences. Right now I am living rent free, which means I need to cancel out ALL my debt. Once I am debt free I will be able to save. When I am able to save I can move forth. Also, I am attempting the feat of leaving some 11 or so years of smoking behind me, I want to live a long life and be able to have that money for things like [hopefully] Europe and Germany next year once I get my AA. </div>
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<span class="messageBody translationEligibleUserMessage" data-ft="{"type":3}" style="font-size: small;">“I
believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you
can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when
they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one
but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can
fall together.” </span></h6>
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My cousin posted that today. It fits well with how I have been feeling. Although I am not completely sane at the moment I am determined to make myself the best person I can possibly be. Feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past changes nothing. It's like I keep telling myself, I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><u><b>The positive things I do today will help me have a better tomorrow. </b></u></span></div>Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-54121019274482834272011-10-21T10:46:00.000-07:002011-10-21T10:46:16.314-07:00Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
I wish I were in <b>London</b>. I wish I could be at some pub listening to the hustle and bustle of people. Drinking a pint of some beer I don't really like [because I like Bud light] but I would drink the English stuff just because. I wish I could hear the accents and listen to a group of friends laughing and another man complaining about how his wench of a wife is driving him crazy. I want to sit alone at my table, closing my eyes and hearing everything but thinking nothing. I want to see cobble streets and legitimate bakeries. Keep your cupcakes, I'd like a loaf of bread. I could go to a cafe and be bundled up and sit by a fireplace drinking a latte. I want to be where I can find peace of mind. I am not looking for a party and no one is looking to party with me. I am just a face on the street, a glance but nothing more. I wish I could be in London so I could go to the Florence and The Machine concert. People would be excited but I would just be able to feel her emotion....</div>
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Once you have that outright exhausting cry, where you can't breathe, your entire face is wet with tears, you have snot running like it's being chased by the police, and your whole soul feels empty... you can have that moment of nothing. The moment where you can no longer be sad but you can't truly feel happy. It's like you, as a person, are void from existence. The saying, <i>The lights are on but, no ones home </i>comes to mind. I am just sort of numb. I don't want to just lie in bed, I feel like walking. Walking to no where and bringing my camera. My $800 something dollar camera that my dad thinks I should return because I am in debt. I considered it, thinking with my rational brain rather than my emotional. However, I don't think I am going to. You only live once and although I don't condone throwing away money, what I do with my camera makes me happier than anything else I have ever done. I capture souls of people. You may change over time and things may happen but once I have you in that form you are mine forever and you have no where you can go. You don't age, you don't disappoint, and you certainly don't die. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">There have been thoughts in my head about losing friends... but I never really had to experience it. People die all the time and I feel very sorry for the people who lose them but no one at that extreme closeness level has died. My grandpa passed away and I was sad for my family, my Granny passed away and I was sad for my dad, My friends parents died and it killed me but not for me but for my friends and their future, My uncle passed away and again I was sad but mostly for my dad. It's like when people die, of course I am sad, of course my heart hurts, and of course I wish it didn't happen. But when I look at it... MY people didn't die. The people that I have made my own. The friends that have been with me through thick and thin. The people who are involved in my daily life. They don't die. They stay with me so we can stay friends forever. So no matter how much time has passed we are still friends and can pick up where we left off. Well except for Devon. Devon died. He felt that moment of anguish where death would prove a point and end his struggle. Devon took his own life, without realizing how badly he would hurt the ones around him. How his friend would call every coroner to prove it wrong. How she would drive home and fall into her little sisters arms in the middle of her court and cry. Then make her way into her room and lay on her bed-less floor trying not to hyperventilate. How she would drive to a friends house and see many other friends who she NEVER wanted to cry be embraced in her arms as they wept. Seeing men not know how to feel sadness so anger and avoidance sets in. Devon did not think of these things. I know the pain will subside and everyone will remember him but move on with their lives. We cannot feel sorrow or guilt forever. We will never know the exact reason. We will never know what he was thinking... and we will have to move forward. It's just heartbreaking knowing he won't be around. </span>Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-42432750858007708202011-10-13T08:59:00.000-07:002011-10-13T08:59:50.045-07:00Thoughts In An Untamed Mind<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
It's been awhile. </div>
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I've been thinking I want a party. Not a crazy rager type party where there is beer pong and chaos and people passed out on the floor. But a quaint, humble, theme party. Where people come a little early and leave by midnight. I want to make fancy drinks and have finger foods and soft music playing in the background but just be able to chat with people. Oh how I love simplicity. </div>
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Anywho, this weekend is the B.Y.O.P. Party. [bring your own pumpkin] I have NO IDEA how many kids are coming. The set up is we are meeting at a park. Parents are supposed to bring their kids, pumpkins, and a dish to share. </div>
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<li style="background-color: #b45f06;">I am going to take Fall pictures of their kids. </li>
<li style="background-color: #b45f06;">The kids will make Fall Hand Trees</li>
<li style="background-color: #b45f06;">They will decorate their pumpkins</li>
<li style="background-color: #b45f06;">They will play at the park</li>
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I have tables and need to stop by party city to buy plates, napkins, and all that jazz. A lot of effort is going into this because my sister always talks about having a fall party. I tried to help and then accidentally took over... which definitely was not the plan. I just wanted to make sure she had her party this year and I thought it would be fun if my friends with kids could come along too since many of the things I do are not kid friendly. I am worried because although the weather should be nice, this is an outside event and things can go terribly wrong. But we shall see. No need to stress it is about having a good time. </div>
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I am going to start working on my "Famous Photographer Imitation" project. I was given the photographer Jeanloup Sieff. I have to have 10 photo's mimicing his style. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Just a few examples of what I am going to try to mimic. Lots of black and whites. Thankfully I have friends willing to help. As of this moment I think I have six different people which is pretty awesome. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">I attempted a "Baby Bump" Shoot with my friend Noemi. Although some pictures turned out pretty awesome, we are going to have a round two. Pregnant women are definitely trickier to shoot because you have to get the right angle and don't want them to be uncomfortable. I was hoping to upload photo's but Blogger is not being my friend right now. </span></div>
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<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-61629302472188986422011-09-29T13:24:00.000-07:002011-09-29T13:25:10.451-07:00Why Of Course I'm Flashy<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>I LOVE Photography 35</b></span></div>
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I have sooooooooooooooo much work to do though.</div>
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<li>10 Guidelines of Composition</li>
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<li>Two examples of strong focal points</li>
<li>Two examples of rule of thirds</li>
<li>Two examples of worms eye view</li>
<li>Two examples of birds eye view</li>
<li>[You have probably stopped reading by now] </li>
<li>Two examples of sense of scale </li>
<li>Two examples of diagonals</li>
<li>Two examples of leading lines</li>
<li>Two examples of simplicity</li>
<li>Two examples of truncation</li>
<li>Two examples of S-Curve</li>
<li>Two examples of C-Curve</li>
<li>Two examples of selective focus</li>
<li>Two examples of frame within a frame</li>
<li>Two examples of repetition</li>
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<li>Mystery Object</li>
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<li>The class was given an envelope with a "Mystery Object" </li>
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<li>The object must illustrate what that object symbolizes to us personally</li>
<li>The object must be in at least ONE photo of the Ten.</li>
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<li>My object is a guitar pick</li>
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<li>Paint someones face like a KISS member then use the guitar pick as an eye patch and have the person biting a drum stick</li>
<li>Have someone sitting at a piano</li>
<li>Have someone use my Acoustic guitar dressed country next to a person with my dad's electric guitar in a stare down</li>
<li>Have Joey and Ezra DJ'ing</li>
<li>Have two people in a rap battle</li>
<li>Have people "Raving" with glow sticks</li>
<li>I need to find someone with a Saxophone</li>
<li>Karaoke Bar</li>
<li> Have a little ballerina</li>
<li>AND have someone listening to earphones </li>
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<li>My Final Project [Which is not due until December] is 20 pictures that evoke emotions </li>
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<li>Here is my proposal that was accepted:</li>
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I would like my final project to be titled the “Evolution of
the tiny Princesses.” The main objective of this project is to portray how
society attempts to influence how little girls are supposed to turn out and how
reality is very much different. The concept will be about how female children
are born into the state of every little girl is a princess. As parents continue
to feed their little girl’s ego and minds full of fairytales and pretty things,
little girls then grow up and realize life has no story book ending. </div>
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Using both people I know and a few
of naturally occurring events I would like to base my project on women from
infancy into their mid-twenties. I have friends with children ranging from newborns
to girls around the age of ten. Many of the girls have an assortment of toys,
movies, and outfits that depict how society and their parents see them. Many adult
women have agreed to let me use them as models for the “grown-up” portion of
the project. I have a few events coming up ranging from the bar scene in San
Francisco to Motorcycle Rally’s and Fire poi events. The adult photos will show
how many women of my generation have molded into different aspects of society
and some of them not so pretty and some more independent and beautiful. </div>
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The idea of the project is to show
the many different sides to the once pink and frilly childhood of women that
are now their own people with their own ideas, thoughts, and interests. The
evolution of young women in a series of photographs that I believe many people
will be able to relate to. Although each photo will be unique the theme will be
the same. </div>
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</span>Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-33377415353970532612011-09-26T11:17:00.000-07:002011-09-26T11:21:32.304-07:00It's Much More Complicated Than YOU Think<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
Looking at Stat's of my blog. Since my first on 4/21/11 I have had 607 reads on my 31 different posts [impressive considering] My most popular blog was <a href="http://randombabbleblog.blogspot.com/2011/08/rest-easy-no-one-is-going-to-die.html">"Rest Easy, No one is going to die"</a> with a total of 47 reads. My average hits on each post is about 14 reads. <3 I must say. Thank you to those of you who read this babble. </div>
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<b>So much has been on my mind lately. </b></div>
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I was driving to work this morning thinking about the human brain. [Weird thing to think about at 8o'clock in the morning but whatever.] How do human's have such complex thoughts? Although most take it as an insult I think I am fairly simple <strike>minded</strike>. I do not like to think about extraterrestrial beings, I do not like to think about the earths core, I do not like to think about how we figured out there is something that moves faster than light that was recently discovered. I guess people are supposed to be curious creatures and as "dumb blonde" as this may sound... the thought of those things make my brain hurt. People go to school and learn which makes sense but it's all the details that screw me up. Like there are things SO small we cannot see them unless we use an extremely powerful microscope and these things make up everything. Writing about this subject I am sure many of you are shaking your heads at me but everything is so much more complex.</div>
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When you are a kid a rock is a rock, your thoughts are just thoughts, the stars are pretty and small little lights, you eat food because you are hungry, and you use your imagination to keep yourself entertained. I mean you have religion which is a whole other entity of confusion... kids just believe what their parents believe. [I just remember my nephew Brandon coming up to me when he was younger, "Aunt Megan, are you going to hell? I don't want you to go to hell." I told him I was because my sister is a turd and told him I don't believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I guess not the nicest thing to tell a 6 or 7 year-old but he knew I did not believe in the Christian religion and those who do not believe in Jesus go to hell... right? right? I could have lied and said that I will because I do... but I don't and I don't think lying to him would have been beneficial. However, I did go along with the going to hell part... why? Because. If I were to say "No I am not going to hell because it doesn't exist." How confused would he be?]</div>
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Everything is always just so complicated... that brings me to the next complicated issue of...</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Relationships</u></b> <span style="font-size: small;">[Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuun]</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">As if you thought chemical compounds were complicated... relationships give it a run for it's money. </span></div>
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I talk about relationships a lot because I am struggling with thoughts about it daily. When do you know it is worth the fight and when should you jump ship? When do you put in full trust and when do you question what is going on? <b>Why do relationships always remind me of a teeter-totter?</b> How can you love someone so much and yet you still hurt them? Why does the flame start to flicker and occasionally go out? Why can't sex be exciting all the time? Why does the libido drop after things get stale? Why must people attempt to interfere? Why is the "other person" to blame when someone cheats instead of the person who cheated [Why yes I am mad at you but I am going to beat that bitch up!!!]? Why do people cheat on each other after being married for the majority of their lives? How do you know that you are ready to get married? When do you know you are ready to have children? Why do people hit their spouses? How do we as people not realize the power shift? How do people get trapped in a relationship where they are unhappy? When did we lose our sense of community? How will my life turn out? </div>
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The questions go on for days. Although my questions do not always relate to me some of them do. Most of the time however I look at other people and their experiences and panic that somehow things will turn out like that... just as other people have probably done with me.</div>
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<i>Less complicated scenario:</i></div>
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The couple works to make money and works together to be happy. Although they argue it never get's out of hand or turns violent, they are able to communicate openly and honestly. They do things together because they enjoy each others company. They have inside jokes and their favorite songs. They keep the romance alive without money involved. They spend time away from each other and have time with friends away from the children. They have family and friends to help with the children. When they are away they can enjoy themselves. They may <u>look</u> at other people with interest but <u>never to pursue</u>. They have plans and goals and work together to achieve them. They may not be interested in each others personal hobbies like sports or knitting but they appreciate their loves interest in the subject and support them. When things go bad in life they are their for each other to support and help each other through. When they think about happiness they think about being with that person. [I guess a little cliche] </div>
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<i>Real life:</i></div>
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Too many variations to things that go wrong.</div>
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[You like how the less complicated scenario has a higher word count... I crack myself up.]</div>
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Basically. No one wants to be a sucker. So we all put up guards and defense systems only to ruin something that could be good... or we are SO gullible we just don't believe anything could be wrong while everyone watches us with pity but never says anything because all the words would go unheard. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I wish I could say this was from a guy... nope, my little sister made me lunch. LOL</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;">This weekend I went to the Folsom street fair in San Francisco and took pictures. [I won't share them here...] Basically it is a bondage festival. I am not into that sort of thing but it's always cool to see how other people are. So me and my two friends are making our way through the heavily packed half naked crowd trying to get to our destination and it just made me think about what I want. The lifestyle of partying, drugs, and alcohol is so not interesting to me. Honestly I just want to go to a party that has wine in glasses not red plastic cups. The scene of insanity is interesting but not appealing to me personally. I want a family oriented kind of life. </span></span></div>
Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1842582163107219439.post-48341799963765402342011-09-22T13:24:00.000-07:002011-09-22T13:48:59.872-07:00Women, Men, and Other Random Stuff<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">
When did women become psycho materialistic money grubbing machines in the United States? [Is this not one of the best opening lines you have ever read...]</div>
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Ah ha! I will tell you when. At the start of the 19th century! Basically this whole ideology of "TRUE WOMANHOOD" came about. What is true womanhood you ask? [If you are not asking. Scroll down to read something else]</div>
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Where women are not only domestic and submissive but pious and pure. Let me break this down for you real quick. This is the time frame where having beautiful homes with beautiful furniture and vases and throw pillows and all the extra Martha Stewart home decorating started to come into play. Of course you still had lower class families but they aspired to be a "True Woman." So this is the time that women started competing to have better materialistic things [I mean having a few cows was pretty awesome but... lost it's coolness in this time period] Being submissive led to the whole manipulation ideal. You can't yell and scream at your husband... but you can subtly change his mind without him knowing it. [The man is the head but the woman is the neck which controls the direction] The word pious was unfamiliar to me... so it may be unfamiliar to you here is the definition. <a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pious">PIOUS</a>. Basically stating that women should devote themselves to the church... those who don't are not a true woman so women started being fanatics spreading the word of god every which way condemning those who did not.</div>
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AND THEN comes the best part. A true woman must be pure. When the word pure is mentioned it is meaning women are basically ASEXUAL [Free from or unaffected by sexuality] Women wore corsets to constrict their movement making them less sexual [Oh how times have changed] Basically all women were meant to be uninterested in sex. Women did not think sexual thoughts and DEFINITELY did not enjoy it.</div>
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Let us please bow our heads in silence...</div>
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My photography class ties into my women's history class too. The 19th century is when they came out with the affordable camera. So then came pictures, floods of photos. </div>
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So then came advertising and the whole mind manipulation thing came into play. </div>
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So class that is your education part of this for today. lol</div>
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Photography class has SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS. It is the best homework I have ever been assigned though... that's a definite.</div>
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Anyways. I have some serious shooting to do outside of class too.</div>
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<li>Mother & Son shoot in Oakland</li>
<li>2 Baby Bump shoots</li>
<li>80th Birthday Event </li>
<li>Baby Shower Event</li>
<li>Tattoo Shoot</li>
<li>B.Y.O.P. kid shoot/Event</li>
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The more I do it the better I will get. Plus the class has some really awesome techniques and camera usage that will really help me. </div>
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So this is where my blog erased all the things I wrote. >_<</div>
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A few days ago my friend posted on Facebook something that really made sense in a sick way....</div>
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<u><span style="font-size: large;">"Relationships are the new Single"</span></u></div>
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So if you think about it. Our generation [Mine, yours, and future generations] have to deal with not only trying to keep our relationships in tact even more now but you have to deal with other people trying to take what is yours. [Using possessive not in a bad way... but in a relationship way... you give yourselves to each other... just to make that clear]</div>
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Another one of my friends pointed out [which I wrote about in a different blog]</div>
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"I can pull girls who have their boyfriends with them. They flirt undercover and if I don't take them home that night... I can the next."</blockquote>
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I know you are now thinking, "What kind of friends are you hanging out with Megan?!" The answer to that is blunt ones. The sad thing is it is the truth, I have seen it with my own eyes on multiple occasions with different people of different groups. People may not say those things but <i>Actions Speak Louder Than Words. </i>You will always have someone trying to dip their hand in your cookie jar. It could be because they think they would be a better match for the person in the relationship, that they are jealous, that they are insecure with themselves, they want a good time, the excitement of trying, or just because they can. The list of reasons goes on forever. </div>
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I read a study awhile ago about how men and women were not programed to stay in the same relationship forever. It was actually that a relationship between a man and a woman should be in a relationship for about 4 years. Just enough time to conceive a baby and have it grow into a toddler. I disagree with this solely for the fact that people can live together their whole lives and make it work AND be happy.</div>
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Before assimilation and the ruining of their culture. Native American groups [Not all] had a way of relationships that Man and Woman were together and had a family within their community. When one or both were unhappy they could actually leave that union... no harm, no foul, no drama. It was <u>not</u> like a divorce where property was divided and custody battles rang out... things basically remained the same except they no longer slept together. It is a really complex topic and does not apply to all. There is a lot more to it but I just wanted you to catch my drift.</div>
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Have you ever REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLY thought about marriage? Did you know the Roman's created the use of the rings for binding two people together? And did you know the reason for the ring being placed on your "ring finger" is because they say the strongest vein to your heart was located in your ring finger. Ta-da. The diamond was not expected until later [Which was brought in by the church] But I mean all these expectations and ideals and traditions.... just sort of were put into place.... mostly in part because of the church.</div>
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Sorry. I am basically swimming in a sea of thoughts right now. So many different things to talk about while trying to re-create the blog that I had already written.</div>
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Even with all this negative Nancy talk... I still enjoy the concept of marriage. Spending your life with one person... knowing them... being able to depend on each other... being with your best friend for the rest of your life. That is what marriage should be. Two people together trudging through the muddy waters together and holding hands.</div>
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Finding my blog was eaten by the internet monster makes me sad. I think I am done writing for now. </div>
<br />Megan The Randomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17918880932861461872noreply@blogger.com0