The Sun Ain't Got Nothin' On You Honey

I have been thinking about writing a blog since this whole thing happened. There are so many thoughts and feelings.

Because we all are going through it... I figured I would post the 5 Stages Of Loss. No one goes through these the same... but we will all go through them at some point in the healing process.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

There are no words that can express the feelings of loss. It is like a hole is drilled into your heart and never heals, just fills with mindless things to cover the pain. Michelle's death was no one's fault. She was stubborn... so stubborn as she laid unable to move on the floor barely able to breath she told me she was fine. She never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted any help. The fact people are placing blame on others makes my heart hurt. I understand it is a coping mechanism... but if you are placing blame you never even knew Michelle. She would never want anyone to feel bad about this... she would never want hurtful words to be thrown around. That was never who she was, so by people using words to hurt others is absolutely mind blowing. I guess that is just life though.

I have mixed feelings about being the one who found her. I know Chris would have been there if he had his own truck... but it was probably better that I was down the street and beat everyone else he called there. I can still picture it in my head. I still remember the feeling of panic welling up in my chest. I am glad I can handle those situations with grace. All I wanted to do is yell and cry and vomit and everything all at once... instead I talked in my teacher voice... calm and reassuring.

What's up honey?
Everything is going to be fine.
I am calling the ambulance.
What is this address?
I'll be right back.
Found the address!
They will be here soon.

I am going to move your arm, it has to be numb.
Can you feel this hand?
That's good.
What about this hand?
Okay. Great.

The good thing is, you will probably get amazing drugs.
Morphine!!!
I am going to crate the dogs so they don't scare the paramedics.
Don't worry about anything.
This is just a bump in the road that we will talk about years from now.
I will grab your clothes so you have something to change into.
I can't find your phone charger.
The last thing we want to do is panic.
I will meet you at the hospital.
Everything is going to be fine.
I will see you soon.

I will never get that image of her out of my head. I asked my friend who is a firefighter how he lives with the images. He just apologized and told me his way is not the way it is supposed to be. I honestly was afraid to sleep the first few nights. I was afraid the event would replay over and over again. I totally respect paramedics, firefighters, military, nurses, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has to see things. It doesn't go away... you just store it in a different part of your brain and hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. So far so good.

She was put in the ambulance and that is the last time she was conscious. Those are the last things she heard. Me telling her everything was going to be fine. Obviously nothing is fine. We lost one of our own to something so unexpected and honestly... quite stupid. I mean I figured one of us would die of alcohol poisoning or a car accident. Sick and sad... but more plausible than fucking pneumonia. I spent a majority of the day in my calm -everything is going to be okay- state. I mean I was watching people crack around me... and I tried so hard to keep together and to keep positive. Watching her die the first time was enough. Chest compression for 30 minutes, having people crying, me crying, everything just seeming to be one big blur. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate but then had to remind myself that no good would come from me passing out.

We have had event's in her honor, people have been over at the house practically every night, we've laughed/cried/freaked out and pretty much everything in between. Depending on who you are depends on how you have seen me. Now I am alone and it's calming. It's like the burden of her death weighs heavy on my mind but I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to protect anyone, I don't have to do anything... it is just me, my cat, and my computer.

It all comes back to that same thing of me being more social on the internet. I love everyone and enjoy spending time with people close to me... but sometimes I just want to have time with my thoughts... the internet is a way for me to analyze how I feel and what I am thinking. Granted... you guys think I type a lot but in reality you only read a portion of what I write. I think, I type, I erase, then I type some more.

Everyone knows how much I love to take photos. Everyone gives me shit for the amount of photos I take. Is it strange that I felt guilty for the lack of photos I had of Michelle when going through my files? I swore I would have so many. I think I only had about 75 of my own. Now I am just thinking of what happens if someone else dies... What if I don't get enough "good" photos. I guess I will have to start doing photo shoots with everyone just to ensure I have "good" pictures. Michelle was supposed to model for me but we just never made time for it.

I really didn't get very many. We had so many times we hung out but I just never brought my camera. It was just another day of another week of another month. But now looking back all those random days made up our friendship. Like our time at Str8 Shooters... we SUCKED at beer pong so we just would try to distract the other team. Everyone thought we were sisters and we would just LAUGH... She is so petite and I am so gigantic. But we were blonde so I guess that is what mattered. And whenever she would get antsy because she drank too much I would just pick her up and walk... wouldn't really walk to anywhere in particular... maybe just a couple laps around the bar but she would calm down and wouldn't try to bite anyone. HAHA. She got me good once and I was like... WOMAN!! I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND I'LL LOOK LIKE A WHORE! I laughed so hard even though it hurt. Jacob and I lived with her and Chris the last week of June because my roommates were assholes. We spent time at the lake buddied up while all the boys were being crazy and we even went to the wine and spirits thing together in Berkeley. We discovered there is a lake in Oakland that we were planning to go back to when the weather got warmer [I am still going to go and I will bring her picture]. I realized how much information her brain could store when we went to Dillon's beach. As I was driving she was pointing out different plants telling me their scientific name. Bubbly ass Michelle was full of knowledge and could pull that shit out on a whim. She was an amazing co-worker. If I didn't take a shift she would and vice versa. She would come hang out with me on shifts and even bring me food if I was hungry. She was ALWAYS worried about me being hungry. And she was always willing to come get me if I got drunk. Anytime I was in need she would just totally be there for me. We had our girly talks while no one was around but if we were in a crowd it was always sunshine and flowers. I only seen her pissed off ONE time. She was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad cause the bar was just out of control. So. Me being the giant I just followed her, picked her up, put her in the bathroom, and gave her two choices... hit me or hug me. We hugged and talked for a second and by that time she was just so exhausted she calmed down. [She wasn't really a hitter except she did pop a few of the boys in the face...]

Her funeral was nice. It was well done... slightly awkward because of the religious propaganda slid in there... but nice none the less. I wish I could have heard Chris, Adam, Jamie, and Kaycee speak about her. The fact the Cabin was not mentioned was pretty upsetting also... especially since most of the people from the funeral were from the bar. I know an image was trying to be upheld but it just didn't capture the Michelle everyone knew. Sprint and Starbucks were side jobs to her. She hated working at sprint because of the uniform. And she quit Starbucks without even a blink of the eye because she made more money bartending and didn't have to deal with customers at 5am. Which brings me to this....

If I should die a sudden and unexpected death before getting married or having babies.... [Don't worry this is just a.... just in case thing. I will probably live until I am 90 and be pissed off about it. hahaha]

- My mom and sister are allowed to go through my things. I've hidden nothing from them about who I am and what I am about. They get the choice of what they want. However I want that moment to be shared with my close friends.... because well... they have been stuck with me also. [Just don't let the non-close people go through my dresser drawers... that would be awkward] My close friends can have pretty much anything they want of mine [The important stuff goes to Amy, Brenna, and Jayden though... like my guitar, camera, and computer] All they have to do is ask. You want my perfume... sure. You want articles of clothing... fine. You want random scarves, jewerly, hair stuff... Just ask and my mom will be way laid back about it. Brenna also get's a higher pick than friends... but you kittens just work among yourselves. Whatever you do don't be greedy and don't try to sell off my shit. HAHA. All the people in my life are awesome... so stay awesome.

- I don't care if you bury me or cremate me. It really doesn't matter. I will be dead. My body is just a vessel nothing more. If I am buried though I do not want an open casket, I do not want a lot of make-up on, and I want to be in something comfortable.. like a Sweater, jeans, and flip flops. LOL. I dunno it just makes sense. If I am cremated and people want to carry a little bit of my ashes... cool. Someone fork over the money to bottle my ashes up. I would however like a place for people to "visit" so a little tomb area would be cool with some of the ashes. Also, if there is going to be a tombstone... write something witty. I don't want a boring tombstone.

- My favorite flowers are Sunflowers.

- Also, If I am buried I want people to print out pictures of me and them or of just them with something written on the back of the picture... anything... it could be a poem, a letter, a memory.... just something. Cause my body may be gone but the memories will be what matters.

- I want EVERYONE to be able to speak at my funeral if they want. I don't care how long it takes. As long as people get the closure they need... I am good with that. So talk on friends.

- I'd like my funeral to have formal clothing [just because it will be funny to see some of you people dressed up.] Black would not be necessary .. I understand it is a pain in the ass to find funeral clothing. Just dress up and look pretty. <3 Wear whatever color you want. I am more of an earthy toned chick... but whatever you feel like wearing is just dandy.

- NO CHURCH MUSIC. Play something awesome. Sing it if you want... something that reminds me of you. Or all of you. Pick a good song though. And I think Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine should be at least one of the songs.... even if it is just background music. You guys should dance to it... bwhahaha. Cause I do... every time I hear it. Okay... maybe you won't dance.... because that would be weird... maybe just blast it in your car one time for me.

- Any money left over from funeral costs... put in my nephew's college fund. Simple. I happen to have lots of money left [very very doubtful] split the money between Jayden's college fund, Brandon's college fund, Carly's college fund, & Amanda's college fund. Do what you can with what is left.

- I want a party... a celebration of life party. I want you people to remember the awesome times together. I want you to be like... REMEMBER THE TIME THAT MEGAN.... ____________ !!!hahahahahaha make it fun. Enjoy the memories. Enjoy the time we spent together. DO NOT BE ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES.

All I could ask for after my passing would be for everyone to come together and celebrate life, take care of your own life, and live as awesome as you possibly could. Unless someone actually kills me... don't place blame on anyone. I am a big girl I make my own decisions.

Somewhat of a saddening thought I know and I am sure I am going to get angry phone calls from my family for posting something like this so soon after my friend passing away... but just watching everyone, seeing all this chaos and unhappiness... seriously. Don't do that. I will be SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. [if there are ghosts... I will haunt you.]

I was going to combine a couple other things I have been thinking about in this blog but it is already somewhat chaotic. I hope I don't make anyone a sad panda after reading this. I just needed to get this out and aired. I actually feel better... I am just really tired.

It's Much More Complicated Than YOU Think

Looking at Stat's of my blog. Since my first on 4/21/11 I have had 607 reads on my 31 different posts [impressive considering] My most popular blog was "Rest Easy, No one is going to die" with a total of 47 reads. My average hits on each post is about 14 reads. <3 I must say. Thank you to those of you who read this babble.

So much has been on my mind lately. 

I was driving to work this morning thinking about the human brain. [Weird thing to think about at 8o'clock in the morning but whatever.] How do human's have such complex thoughts? Although most take it as an insult I think I am fairly simple minded. I do not like to think about extraterrestrial beings, I do not like to think about the earths core, I do not like to think about how we figured out there is something that moves faster than light that was recently discovered. I guess people are supposed to be curious creatures and as "dumb blonde" as this may sound... the thought of those things make my brain hurt. People go to school and learn which makes sense but it's all the details that screw me up. Like there are things SO small we cannot see them unless we use an extremely powerful microscope and these things make up everything. Writing about this subject I am sure many of you are shaking your heads at me but everything is so much more complex.

When you are a kid a rock is a rock, your thoughts are just thoughts, the stars are pretty and small little lights, you eat food because you are hungry, and you use your imagination to keep yourself entertained. I mean you have religion which is a whole other entity of confusion... kids just believe what their parents believe. [I just remember my nephew Brandon coming up to me when he was younger, "Aunt Megan, are you going to hell? I don't want you to go to hell." I told him I was because my sister is a turd and told him I don't believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I guess not the nicest thing to tell a 6 or 7 year-old but he knew I did not believe in the Christian religion and those who do not believe in Jesus go to hell... right? right? I could have lied and said that I will because I do... but I don't and I don't think lying to him would have been beneficial. However, I did go along with the going to hell part... why? Because. If I were to say "No I am not going to hell because it doesn't exist." How confused would he be?]

Everything is always just so complicated... that brings me to the next complicated issue of...

Relationships [Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuun]

As if you thought chemical compounds were complicated... relationships give it a run for it's money.

I talk about relationships a lot because I am struggling with thoughts about it daily. When do you know it is worth the fight and when should you jump ship? When do you put in full trust and when do you question what is going on? Why do relationships always remind me of a teeter-totter? How can you love someone so much and yet you still hurt them? Why does the flame start to flicker and occasionally go out? Why can't sex be exciting all the time? Why does the libido drop after things get stale? Why must people attempt to interfere? Why is the "other person" to blame when someone cheats instead of the person who cheated [Why yes I am mad at you but I am going to beat that bitch up!!!]? Why do people cheat on each other after being married for the majority of their lives? How do you know that you are ready to get married? When do you know you are ready to have children? Why do people hit their spouses? How do we as people not realize the power shift? How do people get trapped in a relationship where they are unhappy? When did we lose our sense of community? How will my life turn out?

The questions go on for days. Although my questions do not always relate to me some of them do. Most of the time however I look at other people and their experiences and panic that somehow things will turn out like that... just as other people have probably done with me.

Less complicated scenario:

The couple works to make money and works together to be happy. Although they argue it never get's out of hand or turns violent, they are able to communicate openly and honestly. They do things together because they enjoy each others company. They have inside jokes and their favorite songs. They keep the romance alive without money involved. They spend time away from each other and have time with friends away from the children. They have family and friends to help with the children. When they are away they can enjoy themselves. They may look at other people with interest but never to pursue. They have plans and goals and work together to achieve them. They may not be interested in each others personal hobbies like sports or knitting but they appreciate their loves interest in the subject and support them. When things go bad in life they are their for each other to support and help each other through. When they think about happiness they think about being with that person. [I guess a little cliche]

Real life:

Too many variations to things that go wrong.

[You like how the less complicated scenario has a higher word count... I crack myself up.]

Basically. No one wants to be a sucker. So we all put up guards and defense systems only to ruin something that could be good... or we are SO gullible we just don't believe anything could be wrong while everyone watches us with pity but never says anything because all the words would go unheard.

I wish I could say this was from a guy... nope, my little sister made me lunch. LOL

This weekend I went to the Folsom street fair in San Francisco and took pictures. [I won't share them here...] Basically it is a bondage festival. I am not into that sort of thing but it's always cool to see how other people are. So me and my two friends are making our way through the heavily packed half naked crowd trying to get to our destination and it just made me think about what I want. The lifestyle of partying, drugs, and alcohol is so not interesting to me. Honestly I just want to go to a party that has wine in glasses not red plastic cups. The scene of insanity is interesting but not appealing to me personally. I want a family oriented kind of life.

Women, Men, and Other Random Stuff

When did women become psycho materialistic money grubbing machines in the United States? [Is this not one of the best opening lines you have ever read...]

Ah ha! I will tell you when. At the start of the 19th century! Basically this whole ideology of "TRUE WOMANHOOD" came about. What is true womanhood you ask? [If you are not asking. Scroll down to read something else]

Where women are not only domestic and submissive but pious and pure. Let me break this down for you real quick. This is the time frame where having beautiful homes with beautiful furniture and vases and throw pillows and all the extra Martha Stewart home decorating started to come into play. Of course you still had lower class families but they aspired to be a "True Woman." So this is the time that women started competing to have better materialistic things [I mean having a few cows was pretty awesome but... lost it's coolness in this time period] Being submissive led to the whole manipulation ideal. You can't yell and scream at your husband... but you can subtly change his mind without him knowing it. [The man is the head but the woman is the neck which controls the direction] The word pious was unfamiliar to me... so it may be unfamiliar to you here is the definition. PIOUS. Basically stating that women should devote themselves to the church... those who don't are not a true woman so women started being fanatics spreading the word of god every which way condemning those who did not.

AND THEN comes the best part. A true woman must be pure. When the word pure is mentioned it is meaning women are basically ASEXUAL [Free from or unaffected by sexuality] Women wore corsets to constrict their movement making them less sexual [Oh how times have changed] Basically all women were meant to be uninterested in sex. Women did not think sexual thoughts and DEFINITELY did not enjoy it.

Let us please bow our heads in silence...

My photography class ties into my women's history class too. The 19th century is when they came out with the affordable camera. So then came pictures, floods of photos.

So then came advertising and the whole mind manipulation thing came into play.

So class that is your education part of this for today. lol

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Photography class has SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS. It is the best homework I have ever been assigned though... that's a definite.

Anyways. I have some serious shooting to do outside of class too.

1. Mother & Son shoot in Oakland
2. 2 Baby Bump shoots
3. 80th Birthday Event 
4. Baby Shower Event
5. Tattoo Shoot
6. B.Y.O.P. kid shoot/Event

The more I do it the better I will get. Plus the class has some really awesome techniques and camera usage that will really help me.

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So this is where my blog erased all the things I wrote. >_<

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A few days ago my friend posted on Facebook something that really made sense in a sick way....

"Relationships are the new Single"

So if you think about it. Our generation [Mine, yours, and future generations] have to deal with not only trying to keep our relationships in tact even more now but you have to deal with other people trying to take what is yours. [Using possessive not in a bad way... but in a relationship way... you give yourselves to each other... just to make that clear]

Another one of my friends pointed out [which I wrote about in a different blog]

"I can pull girls who have their boyfriends with them. They flirt undercover and if I don't take them home that night... I can the next."

I know you are now thinking, "What kind of friends are you hanging out with Megan?!" The answer to that is blunt ones. The sad thing is it is the truth, I have seen it with my own eyes on multiple occasions with different people of different groups. People may not say those things but Actions Speak Louder Than Words. You will always have someone trying to dip their hand in your cookie jar. It could be because they think they would be a better match for the person in the relationship, that they are jealous, that they are insecure with themselves, they want a good time, the excitement of trying, or just because they can. The list of reasons goes on forever. 

I read a study awhile ago about how men and women were not programed to stay in the same relationship forever. It was actually that a relationship between a man and a woman should be in a relationship for about 4 years. Just enough time to conceive a baby and have it grow into a toddler. I disagree with this solely for the fact that people can live together their whole lives and make it work AND be happy.

Before assimilation and the ruining of their culture. Native American groups [Not all] had a way of relationships that Man and Woman were together and had a family within their community. When one or both were unhappy they could actually leave that union... no harm, no foul, no drama. It was not like a divorce where property was divided and custody battles rang out... things basically remained the same except they no longer slept together. It is a really complex topic and does not apply to all. There is a lot more to it but I just wanted you to catch my drift.

Have you ever REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLY thought about marriage? Did you know the Roman's created the use of the rings for binding two people together? And did you know the reason for the ring being placed on your "ring finger" is because they say the strongest vein to your heart was located in your ring finger. Ta-da. The diamond was not expected until later [Which was brought in by the church] But I mean all these expectations and ideals and traditions.... just sort of were put into place.... mostly in part because of the church.

Sorry. I am basically swimming in a sea of thoughts right now. So many different things to talk about while trying to re-create the blog that I had already written.

Even with all this negative Nancy talk... I still enjoy the concept of marriage. Spending your life with one person... knowing them... being able to depend on each other... being with your best friend for the rest of your life. That is what marriage should be. Two people together trudging through the muddy waters together and holding hands.

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 Finding my blog was eaten by the internet monster makes me sad. I think I am done writing for now.

When I Shoot I Steal Your Soul

I absolutely, 100% LOVE taking pictures. It is all I think about. I look at proper nouns [People, places, and things Lol. I know you know that just wanted to put it in brackets] in a whole new light. Every topic has a picture connected to it. I feel as though I am constantly restless. I just want to be outside or around people.

This whole photography thing is great for me. It gives me focus and purpose. I started a mini photo album of pictures I find worthy. Normally I just take a million pictures like the paparazzi but then post ALL of them. This album is more unique.

I may have a photography job here coming up in Oakland for a friend of a friend. Simple shots. Her and her son at a park made into black and white. Since it is out in Oakland and she wants large prints I think I am going to ask $70-$100. That way it covers gas, toll, and printing with a little extra cash. We shall see.

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I know you all are probably tired of reading the same thing over and over again. But I am slowly putting my craft dream together. Plus, if I mass produce maybe I can open my boutique. [Lol, I just wish I had Chris' last name... can you imagine the possibilities. "Good Day Boutique" "Day in the Life Boutique" and I would get the business name for cheap because "Good Jefferies Boutique" is not as catchy. LOL] I am going to need designs to use in the resin. I may start utilizing my friends craftiness and work something out to give them a percentage of sales. Hm.

October will be a new month I will be able to start new projects with the money I get from the paycheck. Hopefully one day I will be my own boss. ♥

Speaking of crafty. There is an Erotic Art Show in SF this weekend with FREE admission. Should be a pretty good time. 

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There are so many things I want to do. I know patience is a virtue but I WANT IT NOW.  I am so motivated. This fall season there are a few things I want to do. 

Brianne and I have already set up the fall party. BYOP theme. [Bring Your Own Pumpkin] Lots of crafts and food for parents, relatives, and kiddos. It will be fun. Definitely going to make a dent in my pocket but with everyone bringing something I know it will be well worth it.

Two very important things to complete this month. The Dixon corn maze. Every year I say I want to go back. AND EVERY YEAR I NEVER GO. This year the maze is on 45 acres and once again has made the Guinness book of world records. If it means I have to go alone and get lost in a maze. I WILL DO IT. It only cost's $10. It would be nice to get a large group of people to go... 21 have already RSVP'd but I doubt all of them will attend. Also I want to go to Apple Hill. Everyone always says how amazing it is... and I have never been which makes me sad.

So I am determined to make this Fall and exciting and memorable one. 

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This past weekend was a memorable one. Friday after work Julia taught me how to use a sewing machine, which seems fairly simple... now I have another investment to make. I had SLOW FALL come to my house and sell feather earrings and other jewelry on Saturday. Partied in SF that night. Sunday I had two birthday parties to attend so there was a lot of involvement with little kids which actually turned out quite well. 

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I am overwhelmed in homework and in reading. SO MANY PROJECTS. I really wish I had some magical way to either slow time or add more time. 

This is how I feel. LOL

I cannot stop myself from making plans and doing things. I think it is because things to do come up one at a time. "Hey Megan, wanna do something this weekend" And I think to myself. Yeah! Why not. I have time...

This is not the case. I do not have time. I should not be going anywhere or doing anything. I should be at home reading until my eyes bleed. [Side note: I was going to put in a picture of eyes bleeding. Be thankful I didn't.]

Not sure if I mentioned this already or not But I quit Barnes and Noble. I really hate that I had to do it but I was in a corner of time and energy and the job lost in the epic battle of sanity.

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I really need new information to talk about. Feel free to make suggestions. I will write about almost anything. Really it is all just random babble anyways.

Unknown Territory

 Natalie brought up a quote from an August Burns Red song.

"the truth hurts but denial's what will kill you"

Lately the thought of lies, denial, truth, and everything in between have been rolling around in my head like a pin ball in a machine. 

My Brain

I mean if you think about it in any given situation you have three options. 

1. Find out the truth, something once you learn you CAN NEVER give back. When you find the truth everything changes. Your thought process speed up and things will never be as they once were. The healing process however is able to start and you can rip down the walls to build a stronger foundation after the pain subsides or you have the chance to move on with your life.
2. Not seek the truth but live in ignorance. "What they don't know won't kill them" as I have heard a million times before. It also fits together with the saying ignorance is bliss. If you don't know you don't have to worry, you don't have to hurt, you don't have to think, you don't have to over-analyze, you can believe that nothing is wrong even though everything is crumbling around you.
3. Live in ignorance but inevitably find out the truth from some random source. Over time I have found out information from text messages, phone calls, letters, emails, facebook, other people's conversations, or just a plain slip of the tongue. When this happens it is like a kick in the teeth. It is embarrassing. You think to yourself How could I have gone so long without knowing, why did I not catch it, who else knew and never spoke about it, do those people not care about me also, how am I supposed to react, how long have I been ignorant, what else do I not know and do I even want to know. 

How do you mend the broken pieces if you don't know exactly what broke?

 

The really strange thing is... I am in a place of limbo. Some things are good. Some things are bad. Somethings are getting better. Somethings I am moving away from.

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I had a dream last night. It was strange. A friend of mine was interested in me in a different way and was very adamant about taking things to the next level. Although tempting I was not interested. I was given a desk. It was bright dark blue. it had drawers and shelves and was the perfect size for my living space. All I was thinking was, "Jesus. Who paints such an awesome dresser such an ugly color. If I strip it I can paint it a color that will work better for me" Then my friend went out front with the double doors open and started smoking on the porch. My dad was at his computer where he always is and was like "What the hell is that?" So I told my friend that my dad hates smoke. 

Then I woke up. Not a very significant dream with battles or anything epic like that. It was weird none the less. 

WHO DREAMS ABOUT DESKS?!?! Not to mention I want to know why this friend was in my dream in the first place but I think the desk relates back to my craft itch. 

Even my friends make fun of me jokingly. "Megan look. Crafts!" [Bwhahahaha]

I want to be a stay at home person. I have enough outlets with the people I know [whom are all awesome by the way] I have friends in different age groups, social class, etc... I would not go crazy like most people at home do I would be able to form networking groups and creep my way up the crafty business chain of command. 

Talking and planning is one of my strong points. It is committing and doing that I am not so great at. This idea I have has been twirling inside my head for months now. Plus, with each month I could use my extra spending cash as an investment to start new projects. So instead of partying I could be using the money as a step closer to a goal I have set.

• Scented Heat Bags
• Resin Jewelry
• Soap
• Candles
• Custom Etched Glass
• Earring holders
• Vintage clothing

Plus if I ever get to spend some time with my mom... she is a NINJA beader. She comes up with extremely awesome jewelry which if I learn her tricks of the trade there is another outlet. [Or I can just sell her jewelry to get people on my site.]  Which SPEAKING OF SITE. My co-worker is a graphic designer. I have mentioned website design and although she normally charges like $3,000 for a full site [crazy right] She said she makes sites for friends and family for free. So I could skip etsy.com and just go straight to my own website... I am sort of getting ahead of myself. But yes. I have ideas and I need to put them into action.

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Ashley and Adam are moving to England. I am sad because Ashley is one of two long time girlfriends [Logan is just all over the place.] and she will no longer be just the next town over... but I am excited because not only is she starting a new page of her life but she is going to FREAKING ENGLAND. Oh you don't even know how jealous I am. I love the United Kingdom, I love the values, the culture, the accent, the diversity, the customs, the ideals, their fashion, and their shops. I love their music and their television. 

I got a passport JUST so I could go to Europe. Everything is so connected there.  I have no stamps in my passport and I received it in 2006.

Anyways. With Ashley and Adam in England and Ashleigh and Aman in Germany I now have people to visit when I go. I am planning on taking two weeks off next year and flying out.The excitement is building. I am thinking May or maybe a bit later.

______________________________________________________

To All The Girls I've Loved Before...

When I was in middle school I listened to Wyclef Jean's album "The Carnival" every.single.day. I knew most of the lyrics. I even attempted the Creole lyrics [Never was successful] 

 Lately I think I have been PMS'ing. [Because you need to know this lol] Although my posts are pretty happy and optimistic, I have had this feeling of confusion and emptiness. I mean my life is pretty sweet right now. I have awesome friends, awesome family, things to do, money to make, and food on the table. I am at my peak, my motivation is at all all time high and I know what I am going to achieve [Wellllllllllll, not completely... but the general idea.]

But even with all of that I am having an emotional battle. The whole relationship/dating scene makes me sick to my stomach. I am heartbroken that things did not work out the way it was planned [I should know things never go as planned by now when other people are involved.] I wanted to pay off my debt, finish school, buy a house, get married, and have babies. I had basically taken vows in my head saying I would love one man for the rest of my life. If I could stand him at his worst, then I definitely could love him at his best. 

So when plans changed, things fell apart. I definitely can say that I take things too seriously. I want a clean house, I want to make money, I want to have an education, I want to wake up for work on time, I want to work earlier in the day, I want to be productive. I don't want to look back on my life and see that my early twenties all I did was party. Alcohol is NOT the key to life. I mean as fun as it may be to let go of the "boring" life, I really like the boring life.

 It is safe. I love security. I love knowing what exactly I said the night before. Every now and then being able to go out dance, party, and be a "Woo Girl" 

How I met your mother: Explanation of a woo girl

"A Woo Girl," Old Ted's voice over explained, "is a type of young woman, who like the cuckoo bird or the Whip-Poor-Will, gets get name from the signature sound she makes."

"Wooooo!"

"A woo can be elicited from a certain song coming on the jukebox ("Sweet Home Alabama" plays); to half-priced shots; from a ride on a mechanical bull; to, well, pretty much anything,"

"The world absolutely needs Woo Girls. If there were no Woo Girls, there would be no 'Girls Gone Wild,' no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars. All of the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone."

"Those are none of those things --" Lily tried to interject, but Barney continued. "The souvenir shot-glass industry would collapse; so would the body-glitter industry -- and, the stretch Hummer rental industry. Tiny cowboy hats would be worn only by tiny cowboys. And when 'Brown- Eyed Girl' would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear ... would be silence .... and 'Brown-Eyed Girl.' But who would 'woo,' Lily? Who would 'woo'? Would you? Would you ... 'woo'?"
 

 I enjoy the times where I can be a little over ridiculous. But I really enjoy family life. Even if there were no kids involved I still consider what I had a family unit... we worked together towards a similar goal [at least for awhile] 


I will admit I have my problems: I am a bagger. I shove all my negative emotions into a mental bag then when the opportunity arises when the bag gets too full I swing it at whomever is closest and with full force. I am tired A LOT, it has to do with me being irresponsible with my medication and being TOO productive. If plans do not work as planned I usually am discouraged and don't want to go. Being on time is HUGE. If I am late or eff off before I am supposed to be somewhere I just don't go [hence the reason I failed a lot of classes in the past] I also am known for my explosive anger [which relates back to being a bagger] it usually happens when I am shitty drunk and something sparks a fuse... I blow. Over-reacting, saying terrible things, punching things, trying to break things... basically a self-destruct mode. [I have to say... some things are unintentionally passed down through generations] It is not often, but often enough to where it is no longer tolerable. Oh and the list goes on...


Maybe the reason I am so torn up is because I have no idea what is really going on. 
Maybe it is because I am never really single. 
Maybe it is because I planned my entire life around him and I.
Maybe it is because I am PMS'ing.


Yeah. I think I will blame it on PMS'ing. Now on to the next thought. [But I think that was a very constructive piece of blog work if I do say so myself]

I love photography, the whole "Painting with light" "A photo is worth 1,000 words" So in my photography class. I am one of 4 or 5 students who have a point and shoot camera. The other 25+ students have a Digital SLR. The images you can shoot with a digital SLR are so much more defined. You can adjust the picture so much. I know that it is not so much the camera but the photographer that makes worthwhile pictures but I think with my creativity and motivation I can not only get some awesome shots I can help out friends and family. 


The downside to a digital SLR is that they are bigger and definitely not bar cameras. But that is okay with me. I will just invest in a tripod and will calm down on the bar scene! Ta-da. Solutions. 


I really hope this works out for me. Maybe I can take pictures for cost + donations. LOL


NEXT THOUGHT

 I am not a religious woman. I don't even like to think about it. I would rather just live my life and deal with after death consequences when I get there. However, I do believe in the 7 deadly sins.

Side note... I love the modeling ideas Americas Next Top Model comes up with. 

A lot of the sins can be groups together in an intricate form to make an even larger, ugly beast. I am just going to go over my thoughts on them.

 Pride: It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour."

 

Envy: those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it. Dante defined this as "a desire to deprive other men of theirs."

Pride and Envy to me seem to me to be tied together more often than not. You see attractive women and men who are so full of pride that they actually crush others emotionally to "stay on top" and those who are envious will slash from below to take people down to be at the point of "pride." I think it is natural to have wants and desires. But the grass on the other side is normally AstroTurf, fake and dead underneath. 

I read a side piece in Cosmo [I know I know] which was quite interesting, it was about how on social networks [Facebook] people overestimate  peoples happiness and underestimate the same persons unhappiness "She has so many friends, she always has a good time, she has all these things. She must be so happy. Look at her relationship oh the pictures are so cute.There is no way she is ever sad. She is so this and that and the other" Then here is the kicker. It makes the person thinking those things feel worse about themselves, "How can she be so happy and I am not? Is something wrong with me? Why don't I do those things? I bet she never feels this way..." So if you look at it. We are basically screwing our own happiness and what... because of Pride and Envy? It is a fine line between. 

There are times when I do this myself. I will wonder how relationships are so awesome, why someone has all this going on when I am working my ASS off, wonder how people can afford nice cars and clothes, etc... I mean it is natural to a point [refer back to the AstroTurf] But when I really start to think about people and their wonderful lives... you have to think about what is going on behind the scenes. I am quite impressed with my skills of guessing people's hidden problems but people have outer and inner selves. What they say or do on a non-personal level probably is hiding something underneath.

Gluttony: the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy.

Greed: like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power.

 Anything in excess is bad. Smoking is bad, eating is bad, money is bad [although makes things easier... but what you do to get more of it is possibly bad]

Lust: is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Aristotle's criterion was excessive love of others, which therefore rendered love and devotion to God as secondary

Ah lust, you dirty dirty thing you. Now I am one who is extremely interested in sexual behaviors, sexual health, and biology of sex. I find it natural and normal. I believe in sexual freedom and sex education. I think sexuality is something that should be embraced and nurtured. I think that although there are extremes I don't think people should be ridiculed for their behaviors or fantasies. I may not like many of the things considered "odd" by our culture and may not want to participate but if someone else is into it. By all means if it is not hurting anyone go forth. 

I was talking with a friend the other day and cheating was brought up. "You know why people cheat? It is because it is available. All I have to do is walk up to a girl and EVEN IF she has a boyfriend with her... there is still a possibility of me taking her home or at least meeting her some other time" 

*sickness rising up to my throat* Ugh. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!  

The sad thing. It is true. I have seen it in play. I have watched as both men and women [single and not] flirt, touch, kiss, and even go home with someone they BARELY KNOW.

And why you ask? Because it is available. Women have it easier than men. I mean all I have to do is walk into a predominately male bar and smile at a guy and ta-da. 

Just because I can, does not mean I do. I mean I am not against the whole sleeping around bit. Whatever tickles your pickle is fine. What I am not okay with is cheating, lying, and being deceitful. If your wife is at home taking care of your kids, do not go to a bar to pick up on chicks. [As a bartender you see this a lot. There is like a don't ask don't tell policy. Quite disturbing actually] Don't commit to something that you are not going to follow through on. Don't play the game. Don't toy with people. Not only is it wrong [In my opinion] but it is JUST.NOT.NICE.

Sloth: Believed to be the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts. The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter. Since this contrasts with a more willful failure to, for example, love God and his works, sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

Sloth is another one that kills me.  You see people who bitch and moan and complain and whine and yadda yadda yadda [I've done it so I am not saying I am saintly] You know what. It is like that quote:

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

–Albert Einstein

Everyone has something that they are good at. What I am good at you may not be good at but you can probably do something that I could not do. So before bitching. Use your skills necessary. 

Wrath: also known as "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. Wrath, in its purest form, presents with self-destructiveness, violence, and hate that may provoke feuds that can go on for centuries. Wrath may persist long after the person who did another a grievous wrong is dead. Feelings of anger can manifest in different ways, including impatience, revenge, and vigilantism. Wrath is the only sin not necessarily associated with selfishness or self-interest (although one can of course be wrathful for selfish reasons, such as jealousy, closely related to the sin of envy).

This is one of the sins that I have a harder time with. I mean for the most part I am quite good at being happy, optimistic, and very go-lucky. However at certain turn of events I have been known to express pure indisputable rage. It is better to forgive than to dwell in things that cannot be changed. However, it is difficult to let go of things that have hurt you the fight adrenaline kicks in and remembering we are human and make mistakes practically disappears. 


Hm.


I must say I think this is my best blog yet. 


On a last note. Go outside. Close your eyes and inhale. It is a beautiful day. Be glad that you are alive and well. Things may be hard but there are many people who love you and care about you. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and you have many things to contribute to the world.

Rest Easy, No One Is Going To Die

So much to talk about it is not even funny. I am actually afraid once I start writing I will forget.

• Stuff
• Craftiness
• Documenting a week in your life project
• Women and Disney
• Photography Project and the want for a Digital SLR
• Dirty dirty men

So I bought a magnetic white board for my room. You know most women go completely nuts over shoes or make-up or other things. I go nuts over office supplies. You probably think I am kidding. But this is a serious thing....

[Okay I don't go THAT crazy]

... So I bought a magnetic white board for myself which I have wanted for awhile now. I was standing in Target looking at the selection thinking should I get this one... but what about that one. Etc... etc... it actually took me quite awhile and then I had to make sure it was in perfect condition. Never go with me to Target, we will be there for awhile. 

 It is early. But I am still excited about Dry Erase Markers.

Also, my friend Ashley sent me a link from this site from Wanelo.com WHY IN GODS NAME DID SHE HAVE TO DO THAT!! I am hook, line, and sinker over this site. Like seriously. Stuff, shopping, and things you find online. 

 Where else are you going to find an owl tea set as cute as this? It does make me want to go to Bella Terra and paint my own owl tea set. I think I have the craft skills to pay the bills. Ha Ha.

I also want to make buttons and I still want to paint Day Of The Dead Skulls and I need to learn how to sew so I can make pin-up style clothing. [Oh the list goes on]

I did actually start the Documenting A Week Of Your Life. Which I got the idea from this site: Documenting A Week It really is a brilliant idea and I am having a lot of fun thinking outside of the box. I cannot wait to see what the end result will be. ♥

 I made this handy dandy little notebook as a mini-journal just to keep track of my ideas. By the end of one week I forget a lot of the little details [Which is why I am doing this project... To document little details.]

I still need to decorate my little journal and I will stick it into the Week Journal. A journal within a journal. Hmmm. 

So I am 100% sure I will have EXTREME mixed feelings from people about this subject and trust me I AM NOT TRYING TO JUDGE YOU. But Disney destroys little girls. Think about it.   

Think about it. As little girls we are told, "Oh you are a princess, you look so pretty, here is a kitchen set, you want to play with dolls, you want tea parties, etc..." We are raised to be dormant and to be housewives. We are raised to depend on men. We are raised thinking that one day we will find this guy like prince charming who will sweep us off our feet and we will live happily ever after. 

Uhm. No. That is not how shit works. 

It drives me absolutely freaking insane. Cause a lot of the girls who you see have had a stage [or are currently in one... or never get out of it...] where they have low self esteem, NEED A GUY to be happy, wear incredibly small outfits and act slutty [not dogging it. Do what you gotta do.] 

It's just we are taught pretty is better than being intelligent. Being passive is better than being aggressive. Being sugar and spice is the status quo. 

Excuse my language but FUCK THAT. 

If I ever have a daughter she will never be raised as a damsel in distress but I won't make her into a tom boy either. I just want a well balanced child [Girl or Boy... does not matter.] Who knows how important education is, how to stand up for themselves, who cares about other people, and appreciates the little things. So if I ever have a girl and you have her watch Cinderella I am going to punch you in the face. [♥ You have been warned ♥] 

I have noticed while blogging my thoughts are so spastic. As you can probably tell none of this is REALLY planned. I sort of just start typing. I normally don't even go back to check it... Now you are like... "Oh, that is why her spelling and grammar sucks" Yeah. Because I don't really care when I am blogging. It is like a mind dump. Thoughts and Ideas are just sort of spit out through my fingers and they just so happen to land here.

You are welcome internet. ☺

 I want a fancy camera. I want a digital SLR camera. And I think my parents [Mom and Dad] should combine their forces and buy me one for Christmas. This will never happen because they don't read my blog... well my mom might. And it is like an $800 camera [Costco has PRETTY SWEET DEALS] 

I don't think I will ever get rid of my point and shoot because it's easy and it is replaceable. Drop it drunkenly a few times and whoops time to buy a new one. This camera would be used for projects. For a portfolio I would never really use besides making my friends happy. [You want to be a model... okay lets pretend... you have kids but no family photos. Okay why not. That sort of thing]

I am really looking forward to the projects in my photography class though. We are going to have to emulate the style of a well-respected photographer which will be assigned to us. Another will be we have to pretend we are a photographer for a magazine. 

The final will be a series of 20 photographs that relate to one another via a common theme or concept that evoke strong feelings. Other students have done things like the SPCA, A Boating accident and recovery, Graffiti in SF, The Navy Ships, etc... I have to come up with an idea BY September 29th. I am trying to think of something ABSOLUTELY AWESOME but I always do this to myself where nothing seems good enough or I add too much and cannot handle the load. 

*le Sigh*

Anyways. The male race is full of surprises. I just keep having REALLY WEIRD things happen. I don't know why some people do the things they do but I definitely can't seem to understand it OR trust it. I know girls and guys are capable of EVIL deeds, but I don't want to be a part of that weird shit... my goal is to be happy and help those around me to be happy. That is all.

o_O <-- I've got my eye on you.