To All The Girls I've Loved Before...

When I was in middle school I listened to Wyclef Jean's album "The Carnival" every.single.day. I knew most of the lyrics. I even attempted the Creole lyrics [Never was successful] 

 Lately I think I have been PMS'ing. [Because you need to know this lol] Although my posts are pretty happy and optimistic, I have had this feeling of confusion and emptiness. I mean my life is pretty sweet right now. I have awesome friends, awesome family, things to do, money to make, and food on the table. I am at my peak, my motivation is at all all time high and I know what I am going to achieve [Wellllllllllll, not completely... but the general idea.]

But even with all of that I am having an emotional battle. The whole relationship/dating scene makes me sick to my stomach. I am heartbroken that things did not work out the way it was planned [I should know things never go as planned by now when other people are involved.] I wanted to pay off my debt, finish school, buy a house, get married, and have babies. I had basically taken vows in my head saying I would love one man for the rest of my life. If I could stand him at his worst, then I definitely could love him at his best. 

So when plans changed, things fell apart. I definitely can say that I take things too seriously. I want a clean house, I want to make money, I want to have an education, I want to wake up for work on time, I want to work earlier in the day, I want to be productive. I don't want to look back on my life and see that my early twenties all I did was party. Alcohol is NOT the key to life. I mean as fun as it may be to let go of the "boring" life, I really like the boring life.

 It is safe. I love security. I love knowing what exactly I said the night before. Every now and then being able to go out dance, party, and be a "Woo Girl" 

How I met your mother: Explanation of a woo girl

"A Woo Girl," Old Ted's voice over explained, "is a type of young woman, who like the cuckoo bird or the Whip-Poor-Will, gets get name from the signature sound she makes."

"Wooooo!"

"A woo can be elicited from a certain song coming on the jukebox ("Sweet Home Alabama" plays); to half-priced shots; from a ride on a mechanical bull; to, well, pretty much anything,"

"The world absolutely needs Woo Girls. If there were no Woo Girls, there would be no 'Girls Gone Wild,' no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars. All of the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone."

"Those are none of those things --" Lily tried to interject, but Barney continued. "The souvenir shot-glass industry would collapse; so would the body-glitter industry -- and, the stretch Hummer rental industry. Tiny cowboy hats would be worn only by tiny cowboys. And when 'Brown- Eyed Girl' would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear ... would be silence .... and 'Brown-Eyed Girl.' But who would 'woo,' Lily? Who would 'woo'? Would you? Would you ... 'woo'?"
 

 I enjoy the times where I can be a little over ridiculous. But I really enjoy family life. Even if there were no kids involved I still consider what I had a family unit... we worked together towards a similar goal [at least for awhile] 


I will admit I have my problems: I am a bagger. I shove all my negative emotions into a mental bag then when the opportunity arises when the bag gets too full I swing it at whomever is closest and with full force. I am tired A LOT, it has to do with me being irresponsible with my medication and being TOO productive. If plans do not work as planned I usually am discouraged and don't want to go. Being on time is HUGE. If I am late or eff off before I am supposed to be somewhere I just don't go [hence the reason I failed a lot of classes in the past] I also am known for my explosive anger [which relates back to being a bagger] it usually happens when I am shitty drunk and something sparks a fuse... I blow. Over-reacting, saying terrible things, punching things, trying to break things... basically a self-destruct mode. [I have to say... some things are unintentionally passed down through generations] It is not often, but often enough to where it is no longer tolerable. Oh and the list goes on...


Maybe the reason I am so torn up is because I have no idea what is really going on. 
Maybe it is because I am never really single. 
Maybe it is because I planned my entire life around him and I.
Maybe it is because I am PMS'ing.


Yeah. I think I will blame it on PMS'ing. Now on to the next thought. [But I think that was a very constructive piece of blog work if I do say so myself]

I love photography, the whole "Painting with light" "A photo is worth 1,000 words" So in my photography class. I am one of 4 or 5 students who have a point and shoot camera. The other 25+ students have a Digital SLR. The images you can shoot with a digital SLR are so much more defined. You can adjust the picture so much. I know that it is not so much the camera but the photographer that makes worthwhile pictures but I think with my creativity and motivation I can not only get some awesome shots I can help out friends and family. 


The downside to a digital SLR is that they are bigger and definitely not bar cameras. But that is okay with me. I will just invest in a tripod and will calm down on the bar scene! Ta-da. Solutions. 


I really hope this works out for me. Maybe I can take pictures for cost + donations. LOL


NEXT THOUGHT

 I am not a religious woman. I don't even like to think about it. I would rather just live my life and deal with after death consequences when I get there. However, I do believe in the 7 deadly sins.

Side note... I love the modeling ideas Americas Next Top Model comes up with. 

A lot of the sins can be groups together in an intricate form to make an even larger, ugly beast. I am just going to go over my thoughts on them.

 Pride: It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour."

 

Envy: those who commit the sin of envy resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, and wish the other person to be deprived of it. Dante defined this as "a desire to deprive other men of theirs."

Pride and Envy to me seem to me to be tied together more often than not. You see attractive women and men who are so full of pride that they actually crush others emotionally to "stay on top" and those who are envious will slash from below to take people down to be at the point of "pride." I think it is natural to have wants and desires. But the grass on the other side is normally AstroTurf, fake and dead underneath. 

I read a side piece in Cosmo [I know I know] which was quite interesting, it was about how on social networks [Facebook] people overestimate  peoples happiness and underestimate the same persons unhappiness "She has so many friends, she always has a good time, she has all these things. She must be so happy. Look at her relationship oh the pictures are so cute.There is no way she is ever sad. She is so this and that and the other" Then here is the kicker. It makes the person thinking those things feel worse about themselves, "How can she be so happy and I am not? Is something wrong with me? Why don't I do those things? I bet she never feels this way..." So if you look at it. We are basically screwing our own happiness and what... because of Pride and Envy? It is a fine line between. 

There are times when I do this myself. I will wonder how relationships are so awesome, why someone has all this going on when I am working my ASS off, wonder how people can afford nice cars and clothes, etc... I mean it is natural to a point [refer back to the AstroTurf] But when I really start to think about people and their wonderful lives... you have to think about what is going on behind the scenes. I am quite impressed with my skills of guessing people's hidden problems but people have outer and inner selves. What they say or do on a non-personal level probably is hiding something underneath.

Gluttony: the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food or its withholding from the needy.

Greed: like lust and gluttony, a sin of excess. However, greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power.

 Anything in excess is bad. Smoking is bad, eating is bad, money is bad [although makes things easier... but what you do to get more of it is possibly bad]

Lust: is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. Aristotle's criterion was excessive love of others, which therefore rendered love and devotion to God as secondary

Ah lust, you dirty dirty thing you. Now I am one who is extremely interested in sexual behaviors, sexual health, and biology of sex. I find it natural and normal. I believe in sexual freedom and sex education. I think sexuality is something that should be embraced and nurtured. I think that although there are extremes I don't think people should be ridiculed for their behaviors or fantasies. I may not like many of the things considered "odd" by our culture and may not want to participate but if someone else is into it. By all means if it is not hurting anyone go forth. 

I was talking with a friend the other day and cheating was brought up. "You know why people cheat? It is because it is available. All I have to do is walk up to a girl and EVEN IF she has a boyfriend with her... there is still a possibility of me taking her home or at least meeting her some other time" 

*sickness rising up to my throat* Ugh. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!  

The sad thing. It is true. I have seen it in play. I have watched as both men and women [single and not] flirt, touch, kiss, and even go home with someone they BARELY KNOW.

And why you ask? Because it is available. Women have it easier than men. I mean all I have to do is walk into a predominately male bar and smile at a guy and ta-da. 

Just because I can, does not mean I do. I mean I am not against the whole sleeping around bit. Whatever tickles your pickle is fine. What I am not okay with is cheating, lying, and being deceitful. If your wife is at home taking care of your kids, do not go to a bar to pick up on chicks. [As a bartender you see this a lot. There is like a don't ask don't tell policy. Quite disturbing actually] Don't commit to something that you are not going to follow through on. Don't play the game. Don't toy with people. Not only is it wrong [In my opinion] but it is JUST.NOT.NICE.

Sloth: Believed to be the failure to utilize one's talents and gifts. The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter. Since this contrasts with a more willful failure to, for example, love God and his works, sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

Sloth is another one that kills me.  You see people who bitch and moan and complain and whine and yadda yadda yadda [I've done it so I am not saying I am saintly] You know what. It is like that quote:

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

–Albert Einstein

Everyone has something that they are good at. What I am good at you may not be good at but you can probably do something that I could not do. So before bitching. Use your skills necessary. 

Wrath: also known as "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. Wrath, in its purest form, presents with self-destructiveness, violence, and hate that may provoke feuds that can go on for centuries. Wrath may persist long after the person who did another a grievous wrong is dead. Feelings of anger can manifest in different ways, including impatience, revenge, and vigilantism. Wrath is the only sin not necessarily associated with selfishness or self-interest (although one can of course be wrathful for selfish reasons, such as jealousy, closely related to the sin of envy).

This is one of the sins that I have a harder time with. I mean for the most part I am quite good at being happy, optimistic, and very go-lucky. However at certain turn of events I have been known to express pure indisputable rage. It is better to forgive than to dwell in things that cannot be changed. However, it is difficult to let go of things that have hurt you the fight adrenaline kicks in and remembering we are human and make mistakes practically disappears. 


Hm.


I must say I think this is my best blog yet. 


On a last note. Go outside. Close your eyes and inhale. It is a beautiful day. Be glad that you are alive and well. Things may be hard but there are many people who love you and care about you. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and you have many things to contribute to the world.