Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Codependency & Dating

You know how things just sort of come to you, maybe nudge you a bit... 


Yeah that is kind of what happened. 

I don't know. I have one crazy out of control past... dating and trying to be this person I am/am not.

I am a codependent  We talked about it in my DUI class tonight. Knowing full well I have a problem I continue to find these people I just HAVE to date. I would give them anything and do anything for them. I follow like a puppy. I give up part of me to have that connection with them. 

Codependency stems from the past I have had and the need to always be the fixer, to have people love & accept me, to love & be loved. It seems normal but it isn't in the degree in which I seem to have it. 

I have been ROYALLY fucked over by people I have dated and yet I still accept them and want them in my life. Maybe not as a lover but I still want their friendship. It is a good thing and a bad thing.

So today I read this quote from Oprah. 
"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts..."

I am PRETTY much the complete opposite of EVERYTHING she said. Raised in the right era I would have probably been Holly Fucking Housewife... but by being here today I drink, I smoke, I've done some crazy shit, I curse like a sailor, and thankfully can be independent financially.

I really don't have much else to say concerning this because it is sort of a sore subject. BUT I can say acceptance is the first step... I love myself... I just need to learn how to love myself without losing that balance over another person.