Monday, October 24, 2011

A Lighthouse In This Hellish Storm

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart has 52 page views. It has been one hell of a week.

Last Monday it was decided that Chris and I were going to give up on attempting relationship counseling to save the seven some odd years we have invested into each other. At first I was fine and then I was sad and then I was angry and now I feel anxious but more in control. There is no need to feel badly it is just hard to imagine him with someone else, I couldn't imagine losing my best friend... my confidant... the person I could rely on to help me through hard times. My heart ached knowing I was going to lose out on the memories like his nieces baptism and being with his family. The fact we could not make memories together any longer, hurt.

Seriously. I felt like shit... I had lost a friend to death and I had lost someone I was madly in love with in the same week. What a blow to self-esteem. Yet, I had an epiphany. I was sitting on my floor in my disaster of a room and it hit me like a bag of rocks in the face. This is my moment to take control. Chris and I will always love each other and as much as I enjoy being in his presence I have a theory.


Don't worry I am not beating myself up over it, nor am I saying he is the bad guy. But I am relieving myself of the need to try to fix us. If he wouldn't have left I would have forever tried. Constantly struggling to find a balance I would never achieve and he would always feel as if I didn't care about him.

I definitely wish things were different. I wish we could have caught the problems in the beginning. If we were to have gone to counseling I think this would have been discovered and we may have been able to figure something out. I know I am slightly still in denial... and I catch myself thinking about him a lot... wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. I mean I have no idea how he feels.

This is the first time after ANY breakup that I have not found myself attached to some other guy and although I was advised by many, I do not feel like "enjoying my single days" If I am asked on a date I may say yes if I am interested... but I am not on the prowl. I don't need that attention. I am confident in who I am and I know I have things to accomplish. Plus, the whole sexual aspect makes life SO COMPLICATED. I am not ready for complications. All I need right now is to focus on myself and surround myself with friends.

Right now many of my friends are hurting, they are feeling the way I was feeling. They have the weight from Devon on their shoulders. I may not be the strongest person but when it comes to the people I love and care about I put my battle face on equipped with the support they may need at any given time. People who need that companionship or shoulder to cry on have me... because I am strong enough to carry that burden. I am not however, strong enough to carry the weight of relationship problems at this moment... Normally I can bare it but relationship drama at this moment is like a slap in the face.

I sorta got off track with creating the cycle picture [I still love Micrcosoft Paint] back to the epiphany. I am a busy person I fill my time with the most random things. I am here I am there I am pretty much everywhere. Too much downtime is a waste of time and I have become side tracked. Devon and Chris are gone, does this mean I should lie around in bed crying all day... No, it means that this is the push I need to get things I need to handle HANDLED. I am getting pretty good grades this semester and after this I have one more semester left until I get my associates in liberal arts with the emphasis on social sciences. Right now I am living rent free, which means I need to cancel out ALL my debt. Once I am debt free I will be able to save. When I am able to save I can move forth. Also, I am attempting the feat of leaving some 11 or so years of smoking behind me, I want to live a long life and be able to have that money for things like [hopefully] Europe and Germany next year once I get my AA.
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
My cousin posted that today. It fits well with how I have been feeling. Although I am not completely sane at the moment I am determined to make myself the best person I can possibly be. Feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past changes nothing. It's like I keep telling myself, I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. 

The positive things I do today will help me have a better tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. What a powerful proclamation Megan! You are claiming yourself, and in so doing, embracing all of your life! Chris will always be someone you love - just because you don't live with someone doesn't mean you stop loving them. You will always care for each other, and hopefully, be able to celebrate your successes along life's long road.

    I celebrate you Megan! You are beautiful, strong, motivated and inspirational! And when you feel the weight grows too heavily on your shoulders to bear the burden alone, please remember that you have loving friends and family who are standing right by your side waiting, wanting to help you.

    love always, ricci

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