Get On Your Face Paint

This morning there were two cigarettes so I was not all that nice to Chris on accident (I seriously did not mean it), I was 5 minutes late for work, the hall monitor noticed so I am sure I was marked down for being tardy, I was on hold for 10 minutes with PG&E, I found a wasp inside the building, in order to get my little sister here I have to let her use my car tomorrow so she can continue with the weight loss program, AND there are leaks in the ceiling. 

You know what?! That's fine. I have gotten a lot done in an hour and a half including setting up an appointment for the PG&E Smart AC program, Changing the destination of a package, re-recording the voice-mail, I changed someone's first name in the system, emailed the company responsible for one of the leaks, searched for a projector on/off remote, and did my make-up. So I have been handling my day quite well. 


I need to finish the Inventory SOP, this damn standard operating procedure is DRIVING ME CRAZY. So many details keep getting added and removed and then we have a meeting about it once it is complete only to add more details. It is really quite frustrating. However, once I am done with this blog I will go through the processes again to make sure it is 100% again. If the president of the company wants to change it 100 more times, well then I will change it 100 more times. This is my job. This is what I am supposed to do. (which does not mean I will not complain about it or do mindless things such as writing in a blog, but blogging helps keep me calm.)


Okay so I am not exactly calm. My calmness comes in waves. I am actually feeling great about my job. I know I will complete everything I need to today with plenty of time to spare (I also have to re-arrange the shipping room to make sure we can lock product up behind an additional door) So work is not one of my worries. 



What I am worried about: (because this is quite necessary news, right?)

• My dad is getting married in a week and a half. 
• I am supposed to do the toast, which I have partially written down.
• Most of my dad's family is coming down from Oregon
• My mom is also coming down from Oregon, the same weekend as Natalie's Birthday, Fathers Day, and Noelle/AJ's wedding
• I am taking Brandon, Carly, and Amanda (my older sister's kids) on Saturday. I am a pretty cool person but I don't hang with kids that often so I need something AWESOME to do with them. 
• My mind is battling my body on my decision to buy the Nicotine patch. (oh and my wallet jumps in every now and then)
• Money.
• Chris has to get a line of Credit to fix his car.
• Our washer is broken

A house is not a home... Until I make it one.

I know I have been talking about it for awhile but since the work has been completed on the patio I was thinking about building a trellis. 

< Similar to this one but less complicated. And I want it to be white. It would go near our bedroom window and I will have climbing flowers going up the side. Since there is NO DIRT in the backyard I will have to also build flower boxes on the sides. I dunno. Maybe I am just dreaming. I think I am capable though. 

Then I can place a bench underneath it. It would be a great place to relax, drink tea, and think about life. Plus, I know Joey really wants a bench. When I was going on my tangents about having patio furniture he would always add, "And A Bench".. I just kept thinking there will be no room for a table chairs and a bench. But this NEW idea would probably have room for it. Plus a table is not a necessity. It would just be an added benefit. However, Side tables are simple so it would work out. 

One thing I have been thinking about is that the only place that has ever felt like home was my dad's house. I grew up there. It was always home. Yet recently as I have been cleaning and slowly organizing this condo has been more homey. I have moved out of my dad's to live with Chris two other times. Once into an apartment with Chris, Marvin, and Jose (where the situation was similar to the Joey/Nina situation... except I was Nina.) and then I moved out again and lived with Chris, Cipriano, Joey, and Kyle. An interesting living situation. Most people remember me as: 

1. Hiding in my room
2. Attempting to clean
3. Coming downstairs yelling at everyone
4. Bringing home homeless dogs

We had a year lease... I left half way through. It just was not the place for me. Although there were good times, I just was not cut out for handling it. 

So now living in the ghetto in a small condo, I am happy. I mean it sucks living in the ghetto, but it is my ghetto. 

So I was thinking as another awesome idea, I wanted to make the floating bookshelves. It would save space but still look sorta neat. 

 

All in time. But for now the immediate thing I need is a new washer and dryer. 

40 Signs Your In A Healthy Relationship

So I kidnapped this from another blog. It was informative and I think a good base for relationships so I wanted to compare.

blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/08/40-signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship/

If you’re in a healthy relationship, you know it.  In fact, you and your mate likely worked hard to get to that point.  However, it’s not always a clear when we’re NOT in a healthy love relationship. Why? Well, we usually carry on relationships in ways that we learned from others—and to us it seems normal.

We may not realize that our parents’ 40 year marriage was the epitome of dysfunction. We may think Leave it to Beaver was the perfect example of what life, relationships, and family are all about.  We may not realize that smiling, happy couples have problems behind closed doors.

The 40 healthy relationship signs below are meant to open your eyes to what healthy relationships are all about.  It’s not all smiles and kissy-face; but it’s real.

1. You can be your true selves with each other.  [I am a pretty nerdy person. I laugh at things that are simple, I don't feel ashamed of my weirdness, and even though he looks at me crazy I know he loves it.]
2. You feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with each other. [After 7 years, I have learned a lot about him... and he has learned a lot about me because we have shared those thoughts, fears, and emotions.]
3. You rarely lie to each other, but you also refrain from being brutally honest. [We both understand there are things that should not be shared... i.e. guy talk. But are able to be honest.]
4. You give each other space and/or “Me time.” [Something I can proudly say we are good at.]
5. You make it through rough times as a couple without splitting up.  [Something that is in the works. We have split up in the past but I think we are both have been working on this.. this time around]
6. You agree (or genuinely agree to disagree) on financial matters. [Being poor is hard, but it is something we are dealing with and I think we are doing a pretty good job at]
7. You treat each other the way you would like to be treated, not necessarily the way you feel you’re being treated at the moment. [We are prideful people.]
8. You and your mate completely deal with your problems, refusing to leave them unresolved until resentments form. [An issue with us. Chris likes to discuss problems when sometimes I would just like to ignore it. Something I have been trying to work on]
9. You forgive each other for mistakes. [We definitely have made mistakes and although aware of the mistakes we have forgave each other.]
10. You don’t tell each other what you should or shouldn’t think/feel. 
11. You both listen without interrupting. [An issue with me. ]
12. You respect each others’ privacy.
13. You speak each others’ Love Language, even if it’s different from your own. [Not sure what the LOVE LANGUAGE is]
14. You willingly make sacrifices for each other. [We do]
15. You share mutual interests and activities. [This is something we also need to improve on, just need to find more things that we like to do... I am sure we like similar things... but we just don't do much outside of the house]
16. You respect each others’ individuality and make the most of your differences.
17. You act as each others’ backbone, providing loving support without guilt. [He is my rock and I am his]
18. You share spiritual beliefs or a spiritual connection.
19. You show sensitivity to each others’ needs. [All except the dog issue... I think we have this covered]
20. You discuss and negotiate instead of fighting. [This happens, it does. Except it is normally not soon enough... so we fight then discuss]
21. Each partner takes responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings.
22. There is mutual trust and dedication. [Something that has taken time]
23. You have a strong friendship. [Chris is the coolest person I know, I know that sounds incredibly nerdy... but it's true I really enjoy talking with him, hanging out with him, and listening to his ideas.]
24. In addition to loving each other, you genuinely like each other.
25. You don’t judge or force your opinions on each other.
26. You take quality time to nurture your relationship. [We don't have a lot of time. Working opposite schedules is quite difficult. However, I have learned to live with this. I remember a time when I would be upset or pissed off about it. But right now we are doing what we can to make it work financially]
27. Both partners maintains his/her own set of boundaries and respects the boundaries of the other.
28. You are both attentive to the needs of yourself and the other. [Something that needs to be worked on]
29. You enjoy physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddling, sex) together. [Something that we enjoy but don't do as often as I would like... work schedules seriously effect this]
30. You show appreciation for each other. [I think I am a true romantic. lol.]
31. Hardship, uncertainty, and disagreements are accepted as a part of life. [We've been together long enough to know this is the truth, but also no none of it would be worth it without the other]
32. You communicate openly and meaningfully with each other.
33. There is equal power between you and your mate.
34. You keep your expectations of each other in check.
35. You genuinely apologize to one another when feelings are hurt.
36. You and your mate speak up assertively instead of expecting the other to read minds. [I expect him to mind read. I know, I know. Bad Megan. Another thing I am working on]
37. You both eliminate passive aggressive behavior (ignoring, silent treatment, eye rolling, stomping, hanging up the phone) as much as possible.
38. You have a strong sense of interdependence (mutual responsibility) to each other rather than dependence or co-dependence. [Although I have struggled with Co-dependence for a long time I think I am getting better at it]
39. You avoid going to bed mad.
40. You CAN live without each other, but you choose each other over every alternative choice.

The Life I Lead

Recently the eye twitch came back. You know, the one where your eye spasms and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I know it is stress induced, however I am only slightly stressed. 


I know whining does NOT help the situation. However, I feel if I write down why I am in panic mode it may help me take corrective actions. 

Stressor #1: Money is the root of evil, but it sure would be nice to have some... evil or not. I keep making plans on how Chris and I to use our money but it some how is always fudged. And as much as I would like to blame Chris for everything I definitely cannot. I looked at my last 3 months statements and I spend more money on fast food than I would like to admit. I guess at that moment I am justified. [Hunger. Food. Yeah.] But then after I think to myself why did I just sped $8.45 on a burger and fries when this could have bought me supplies to make sandwiches for a week? Definitely something I need to control.


Stressor #2: I work my ass off. I mean maybe not literally, but you know I am at work 9 hours a day not including the drive their and back and I work at Barnes and Nobles on Sunday. When I am home I may continue messing around on the computer but I definitely have my mad woman cleaning spurts. Clean, clean, clean. Do the laundry, do the dishes, clean this, clean that, scrub the floors, clean the toilet. And then you know what... I have to do it all again. I understand this will be my life from now on and it will double when I have children. It just sucks to always be doing something when it is not the case for others.


Stressor #3: School. dlskfjafhklsgdkjgbsjknalskfh < that is how I feel about it. So I thought I was ahead of the game and I picked my classes early. However, I now realize I need other classes that land on the same days as the classes I chose. The problem? It's always a pain to add into a class. It is a battle I would rather not fight. Plus, I was somewhat scooted into Liberal Arts with Emphasis on Social Sciences. Whatever, I can't add the classes until Fall anyways. So why stress now. 


Hm. Well I guess I am not that stressed. Those are the 3 things that are really freaking me out. 


It will all be okay. One day at a time, one foot forward. 

__________________________________________________________________________

June is an intense month. 


Chris is going to Vegas for Dan's Bachelor party
Aunt Time: I am taking Brandon, Carly, and Amanda for a day
Birthdays: Brooke, Angie/Monica, Brie, Natalie, Kyle, U.S, & Logan
Father's Day
Weddings: My Dad&Angie, Noelle&AJ
Family: My mom is coming Down, My Dad's family is coming down, and Chris' family is coming out.

__________________________________________________________________________ 

Chris keeps mentioning I should talk to Dan's fiance to see if I can come along (I guess she is having her Bachelorette party at the same time in Vegas) I know her but I have not spoke to her in a long time. Plus, I was not invited. Plus, it will already be pricey to have Chris go. 

I am not sure what exactly he is thinking. I am starting to wonder if:

• He thinks I am going to do something crazy while he is gone (I'm not. I will probably spend the weekend at home drinking wine maybe planting a garden in the front area. Woot woot)
• He thinks I will start a fight with him about it. I can understand why he thinks that. Vegas + Men + Alcohol = Fight Producer. However, I trust him. I think he really needs to go but I think me encouraging him is making him freak out even more about it. 

All I am doing is trying to be supportive of him. I know his social life is not as crazy as it has been in the past. I just want him to go out have a good time. I honestly wish we had more money so he could enjoy himself more without such a strict budget but there is nothing I can do about it now. I wonder if this is something that needs to be discussed? 

__________________________________________________________________________

I have an awesome plan, for something awesome, for an awesome someone, but I can not share details here. (>_<) this is going to drive me crazy. lol.  I am so excited. 

One day I will be an awesome craft warrior. This is the beginning. *Ninja Noises* 

[oh wait a minute. Ninja's don't make noises!] 

So even though I am not doing what I thought I was going to do... I will have time this memorial day weekend to start my project. 

Memories Being Thrown Away

Started a bit before my 24th birthday (which was about 2.5 weeks ago) I have been throwing away items from my past. I guess you could call me a memory pack rat. I have boxes and boxes of letters and cards and pictures and drawings and anything else you can think of. 

I was literally OBSESSED with this guy named Jason Cannady when I was 14. I wrote about him all the time. I had diaries upon diaries of how much I "LOVED" him. 

I threw them all away.

Jason Cannady was a prick. He was 3 years older than I was but had the mental capacity of a 8 year old. I wasted so much time thinking about him. I was going to go into a story but scratch that to much pain behind it and I don't feel like talking about it. All you need to know is that Jason Cannady hurt my self-esteem and my self-worth. I seen him a few years back, we were living at the house on Blue Jay. He was still riding his skateboard and asked if he could come party with us. (we had a case of beer) We lied and said we were not partying. Jason Cannady is one of the reasons that I feel so entitled to owning an adult store geared towards women's sexuality and education. Women should NEVER feel how I felt. Women should work together to make themselves feel as beautiful as they are, not be pitiful creatures begging for some sort of attention. Women are not better than men, but we are damn well their equals. 

Anyways, so going through the things I saved. I almost always have the same feeling everytime I do. It's a feeling of remorse, sadness, and I guess you could call it a broken spirit. I did some extremely dumb shit and I held on to all the evidence I could thinking that one day it would help me or that one day I could use it. This year was the last year I would ever see it again. I sorted through the good and the bad. Scooped up the bad and took it to the dumpster. All the letters, the drawings,  all the negativity - Gone. I made plenty of mistakes but there is NO REASON I should hold on to those things. They are reminders of someone who I am not. They are embarrassing. They are years that I will never be able to share with the children I will have, because I would not want their image of me tainted by something that happened ten years ago. I know that those years are years that have helped shape me into the person I am today and trust me, I am in love with myself. BUT I do wish I could be who I am without causing so much damage. So 2011, the year I turned 24, is the year that I took all of my grief and let it go. Of course the memories will stay but those too I will let fade with time. 

The past helped shaped me but does not make me who I am.

This is some serious babble right here.

 

This thing we call Life.

When I was younger, I always thought to myself "I'm not getting married and having babies, I am going to work buy my own house, have nice things, and just live my life to the fullest while my sister's have kids" 

That mentality has changed into an opposite obsessive compulsive behavior. Every single day, I think about getting married. It's like what started as a tiny seed has turned into a 1,000 year old willow covering every aspect of my life. It's practically a disease I live with now that has one cure that will not be given to me! (okay that is a little extreme, so what! I feel like a little dramatics are okay.) 

Me Vs. Him

Me:

1. We've been together for basically a total of 6 years. (known each other for 7)
2. We both know we want to spend the rest of our lives together
3. We have money plans that support one another
4. We've worked past the many issues that arise in a relationship prior to children (we will cross the children problems when we get there!) 

Him:

1.  He wants to be financially stable - Not working in fast food
2. Weddings are expensive
3. He wants to not have roommates
4. He wants to own a home first

I understand where he is coming from completely. I would like to have the things he wants also. However, if we were to be engaged it takes about a year to two years to set up everything. So we would have time to save up. Also, I don't need a new ring... I have a ring that I have had for a few years that he bought me and he has a ring I bought for him. A wedding dress would cost around $600 after tax. I know multiple DJ's, I know bartenders, I know cake makers, I know invitation makers, etc.. etc.. So the costs would be cut down immensely. I found a spot in Vacaville that looks amazing "Mission On The Hill" 

I already know the color scheme and the wedding favors, I am prepared to do a lot of things by myself instead of hiring out. Also, I know my girl friends would be down to do some repetitive crafting too! 


I've been thinking WHY AM I SO OBSESSED? And I think it is more of my time line. I want to be married for about 2 years before having babies.


24 years old right now + 1.5year of an engagement + 2 years of marriage = 27.5 years old to start having babies. If I want more than 3 I would need to start then to make sure my ovaries still work. 

Last night we actually had a conversation that was positive. I was able to tell him I understand why we are waiting and he explained his very rough outline of how he wants to do things. He wants to have kids when he is around 28-years-old.  The only thing about that... This year he is turning 26. That means he wants to have children when I am 26. Which sort of screws up the timeline I imagine. 


My Time Table
2011 - Pay Off Debt, Go Back to School
2012 - Graduate with AA, Start looking for houses, Buy House, Continue with school.
2013 - Get Married
2014 - Continue paying on house 
2015 - Have Babies.  

 Supposedly Chris' Time Table 
2011 - Find New Better Paying Job
2012 - Buy House
2013 - Have babies


I mean. I am guessing that is his plan. We have not discussed it in detail all too much. I know when he wants to have kids he does not want roommates. However, I want roommates to help pay off the house.  

We still should probably go over this list together ... 20 things to do before getting married.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

1. Be in agreement on whether or not to have kids.
2. Be in agreement on what religion — if any — you’ll raise your kids in.
3. Figure out how you’re going to pay for a wedding or elopement.
4. Have a 9-month emergency fund post-wedding.
5. Decide whether or not to open a joint account and what that account will be used for.
6. Decide where to go for a honeymoon and how to pay for it.
7. Register for gifts. No, seriously, your loved ones/wedding guests really, really want you to register.
8. Decide what you’ll do with monetary wedding gifts (see #4 and #6 for ideas).
9. Get to know each other’s family and friends as well as possible.
10. Date for at least four seasons.
11. Live in the same city for at least six months.
12. Discuss long, long-term goals and plans, like where you might like to retire one day.
13. Discuss — and be OK with — where you both stand on name-changing.
14. Establish “house rules,” including division of labor, whether or not you’ll allow smoking, how long out-of-town visitors are welcome to stay, and hours of the day you both need “quiet time.”
15. Be absolutely positive you’re each other’s “type,” if ya know what I mean.
16. Share medical history with each other.
17. Set some financial goals (i.e., pay off debt, save enough for a house, a vacation, a child, a child’s college tuition).
18. Set a budget and decide how much each will contribute to household expenses/who will pay for what.
19. Discuss family visitation expectations (how often you plan to visit or host one another’s families).
20. Decide whose health insurance to stick with (and if neither of you gets it through work, sign up for a private plan).

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 

Also, Chris mentioned last night that he knows I want a dog and he does too, he wants a Yorkie like his deceased dog Sam. He just remembers in the last years of Sam's life he was all alone a majority of the time. Which definitely is a sad thing. HOWEVER. This is a different time. Usually someone is home now. We are not living in two separate households. He is also worried about the dog getting out. Yes, I could see that being a problem with a Yorkie. But I don't want a mini dog. I told him he can have his Yorkie but I am going to have my own dog.

And yes. When the baby time comes along, I will decorate their rooms with Panda's. They will be my little panda's Black, White, and Asian. (^_^) Depending on how well the whole situation is going I would like to have anywhere from 2 - 4. But that is also something that needs to be discussed. 

I speak, you decided if you want to listen.

I am happy.

I know that life is not always the way I want it to be and there are many things I would like to change (it would be great to have a full fridge, my own home, and a presentable car all while having no debt) but right this very moment I am happy.

For my birthday I was able to see many of my friends. It was nice to be reminded that even though there are times we don't speak as often as I would like, we can jump right back on where we fell off. Throughout my life I have had some not so wonderful friends... people who have hurt me in ways that you would not expect from people you hold dearest. With that pain, came understanding. Just because people are "nice" to you or want to hang out does NOT make them friends. It makes them people you can fill space with, acquaintances. Nothing more than someone different to talk to and bullshit with. It takes time to weed people out, you never know where you will find true friendship. However, I believe that with the friends I have now I have a pack of wolves in a lone wolf territory. I know my friends would be there for me no matter what the problem, no matter if I needed a shoulder to cry on or a serious laugh, I know I have some REALLY awesome friends. (even the ones that couldn't show. I love them too) 

Mother's day is around the corner. My mom is one of my best friends. I can talk to her about anything and not feel weird about it. She loves me just the way I am.

ANYWHO. So this year I wanted to do something special for her. I made the personalized card but I also made her a coffee mug with pictures of Me, Amy (my sister), Jayden (Amy's son), and Chris. I tell her every time I talk to her that I am proud of everything she is striving for and that I love her very much. But I just wanted to give her something a little extra to make sure she knew how much her struggle to get clean meant to me. Although I will not get to spend the time with her on Mother's day....  this summer I will do my best to make it up many times to spend quality time with her. 

... [ Which this is somewhat of a strange thought. But I want to get a video of us. Something happy. Because a friend of mine just lost her mom. It makes my heart hurt to think about never hearing her or seeing her again. I think I need to buy a video camera just to record all the people I love in my life so I can have them with me, even if they leave me. ] 


Whew, that is a sad thought. Moving forward.


So I have been making plans like a mad woman, I always have something to do it's a strong/weak point (there is an oxymoron for ya!) I will bullet them out for easier sorting.

• My dad's fiance, Angie, text me today and said "Dad and I want you to make the toast for us at the wedding" For some reason it made me a little emotional. I guess it was somewhat of something I could have foreseen... especially since I am the "best man" in the wedding but it made me excited and happy. I already have ideas but I know I will have the best toast and I will probably cry. 
• Natalie and I were FB chatting today (and I know you probably will read this so it is somewhat weird talking about you as if you weren't but I am going to anyways. muhahaha) and going back and forth about important things, random things, new things, and old things. It was a long ongoing conversation but nevertheless was quite interesting. So we had talked about flying somewhere... but things got crazy and it does not seem as though it will work out the way it was intended. SO instead we are going to plan Natalie's Birthday Weekend Extravaganza. Yes, epicness will ensue. I have so many idea's and plans and things that we could do that would make her (weird to say if you are reading... no really. lol) have the most memorable birthday weekend ever. 
• Chris and Amy have birthday's coming up at the end of July, it will be Amy's 21st so I want to do something AWESOME for her too... however, I do not want any drunk driving involved... period. SO I am in the works of something totally drive free!

Besides the big plans. Weekend plans are much simpler. Can't wait to get "to-do" items taken care of!

Things I Am Excited About :

Just to let you all know. I HAD AN AWESOME BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!!


I have to say, although I do not have any friends that are, every moment of everyday type... I have some AWESOME BETTER THAN THE BEST SWEETEST MOST RANDOM FEMALE FRIENDS EVER. They are a collection from different time frame's but each one of them has traits similar to the other and myself. 


So now that my birthday has passed here are a few things I am looking forward to.

-> The Sookie Stackhouse Series has a book coming out on May 3rd. 
-> I am signing up for summer classes May 4th
-> Chelsea Handler has a book coming out May 10th 
-> Chris' niece's FIRST birthday
-> Ashley's birthday is at the end of the month, CAMPING TRIP!
-> River Rafting in June (hopefully) for Logan's Birthday
-> Disneyland or something else random for Natalie's Birthday
-> Florence + The Machine are going to be in Berkeley
-> My dad and Angie are getting Married
-> July my little sister is turning 21
-> Jayden's birthday <3 
-> Chris is turning 26. 
-> It will be summer 


I'm just super excited for the things to come. It's crazy.