Random As I Can Be...

So I seen a friend of mine who is completely and 100% my push. I know she would deny it but she is the person who knows how I feel about my goal in life... At some point in my life I decided I wanted to be a Sexologist to promote healthy sexual behaviors and education for women. WELL GUESS WHAT! She met someone who found classes... San Francisco Sexual Information Training. It happens twice a year and you have to go through an interview process that lasts anywhere from 90-120 minutes. The tuition is based on a sliding scale so I could technically take the classes for only about $300 but all the way up to $800. The applications aren't available yet... but will be soon. I may never own an adult store but I will have the education to help others understand themselves and others to prevent absurd judgements and untangle the web of taboo that covers sexuality for not only women but for men too. [I still find it absolutely insane that the sex education is predominantly porn for men and pretty much fairytales for women... and we wonder why everyone has such a difficult time.]

The Holidays. IT'S ALMOST OVER! I have actually had a wonderful time with the holidays this year. I don't expect much and then it is like "WOW WHAT A GREAT TIME" I know two things for sure. I absolutely love my family. They know I am off my rocker but they love me anyways. <3 Also I love my friends... just being able to have a little one on one time with some of them made Christmas eve totally worth it. Now if I can just make it through new years that would be lovely. It's been two years since New Years day where I broke a mirror, bled everywhere, cauterized the wound on a tail pipe but failed, then bled even more. This past new years I was not breaking things... but definitely don't remember a lot of it. I spend New Years Eve with my little sister every years so I keep my drinking to a minimum as to protect her... then New Years Day I just drink until I don't exactly know what I am doing... then feel like shit the next day. It really doesn't make much sense. SO this year I am going to keep my tradition with Amy but break the New Years Day chaos of being completely annihilated. Baby steps.

One day when I was super bored I was just sitting there picturing what I want my life to be like and this is what I thought up:

• I want a house with a wrap around porch, clean but vintage.
• If the house isn't the way I want it when I buy it I want to be a part of the remodeling... yes. I want to play with power tools too. 
• I want the house decor to be darker colors like reds, greens, but with light wood accents. I know it sounds weird.. but I have seen it done. Kind of cabin-esk. "Homey"
• I want land. Not an insane amount... but enough to ride a quad on, have chickens, and a garden AND bees. 
• I want to live far enough from my neighbors but close enough to town. 
• I want trees and a creek. 
• I want a dog and a fenced in yard so the dog cannot run off. 
• I want a garage that is big enough for not only work to be done but a place to hang out and drink beer. I don't think I will ever not love beer. lol.
• I want a craft room inside... big enough to where I could store the many different required tools of the many different things I want to learn to do. 
• I want a guest bedroom so I could have people stay the night after drinking too many beers in the garage. Or maybe have a granny flat over the garage? 
• I want to have people over for dinner and weird games like pictionary.

Holiday Hell

Over the years the holidays have become less and less important to me. I mean, I enjoy what it is meant to be about... getting together with the family and seeing friends. Spending time with people you love and showing them how much you appreciate them with gifts. 

However, why don't we do this year round? I mean you have Thanksgiving... then a month later you have Christmas... then a week later you have new years. Then you spend the rest of the year waiting for it to come back around again. Even as a kid, when my parents were still married... I remember waking up Christmas morning opening presents... playing with the toys and then... that was it. ALL THE ANTICIPATION JUST TO GET STUFF. We didn't really have any type of family tradition. I've always been jealous of people who did things... like played board games... etc... Quality family time because no one had work. 

Even on that sense... when I was in a long term relationship there was SO MUCH PRESSURE. We would have to hit all these houses because we both were from broken homes. Run run run run... then nothing. It's kind of disappointing. 

If I ever have a family I think what I am going to do it just warp the whole system. A friend of mine mentioned on Facebook how she does not tell her kids about Santa Claus because it teaches them to lie... but she teaches them Christmas is about Jesus... Another friend did the same thing with her kids... her reasoning was because her mom asked for red roller skates for Christmas as a child and instead since her family was poor at the time she got something small and her cousin got the red roller skates she had wanted... she felt disappointed... was she not good enough that year for Santa to bring her something she wanted? There will always be good years and there will be bad years. 

My nephew currently is SPOILED. He gets an insane amount of stuff... each year the stuff will become more and more expensive and he will not appreciate those "Things" as much. I work my ASS off for a paycheck that is gone before I can even pretend to save... he gets so much stuff the value of it goes down and will be thrown in a pile of all the other things he has gotten. [His grandma on his dad's side wants to buy him a cell phone. Jayden is 6.] 

So back to my warped idea. Maybe break Christmas up over the 12 months of Christmas. LOL. Pick a day out of the month and do a family get together where everyone hangs out eats and just enjoys the company of each other? I don't know... the "Want" that happens with Christmas disgusts me, I still feel it even as an adult. I want people to buy me stuff... but I mean I want things that are out of control... like a new computer, a new phone, new tires, new boots, new new new new new new. -_- We are programed. I want to spend time with my family but I feel bad. I cannot buy everyone nice things or even things they really need. It is just something that they can use and I will be able to give them so I don't look like an asshole. 

It is a pressured holiday... especially for broke bitches like me. Then you have the guilt if someone buys you something and you don't get them something... or if you do a gift exchange and your gift isn't as great as the one you gave... or visa versa. Pretty fucking sick. Greed and vanity. 

Anyways if you want to read a funny blog check out Christine's 

Taming the Untamable

It has been awhile since I have sat down and wrote a blog. I guess my mind has been so scattered and chaotic it is hard to focus on just writing. [It doesn't help that I write as I go on Facebook]

I think my plan of action is to break this one up a bit. Have a little organization to my mental absurdities. [Sounds good to me.]

Random babble
Life update
Friend topic
Motivational topic
Random babble


Dude. It is almost Thanksgiving. Where the hell did 2013 go? Last year this time was a really odd time with the whole beginning of a breakup, the boyfriend moving out, and the holidays rearing it's evil head. haha. Crazy how fast time passes.

As for as life. It's pretty much the same shit on a different day, although the shit seems to smell like roses lately. I enjoy my job, although I wish I had a bigger hand in the money making aspect of it... the company is like family. I am actually going over to their house for Thanksgiving... as long as I don't drink too much I think I should be fine and if all else fails... I will walk my happy little drunk ass over to Gayle's house. [surprise Gayle. lol]

The gym is SO much better than when I first started. I actually can look people in the face, I can lift more, and I finally understand why people kind of avoid me... I keep my game face on for the whole duration of the visit up until I find someone I know... then I become normal chatty excited Megan again. Otherwise. Game face allllll day.

I keep getting the same question and I keep giving the same answer. "So what's your goal?" I say to get to a competition standard, I think I am lying though. I don't think I have a hard line goal. It's more of... I just want to be healthy and look healthy. I like being able to lift heavy stuff. I like being able to compete with myself and no one else... [hence why I never got into sports.] And that is why I would not get into competitive body building. Ta-da! [Weird that I just solved an issue in my head because I was typing it out for you] So basically, I work out because I want to. I enjoy it. It is nice to see how far I can push myself and it gives me a healthy alternative to drinking. Boom.

Healthy and I don't get along well though. Still smoke, still drink, still eat fast food, still love candy, still love energy drinks... I tried cooking for a week [you all should know this if you follow my instagram lol] It was great. I really enjoyed it and I think I do a pretty damn good job of it. HOWEVER. The time and effort needed is a lot. Plus, it sucks cooking for one. It sucks even more eating alone.

Still as single as a slice of American Cheese. But you know... it has occurred to me even more recently that thing happen for a reason. I meet people in the strangest of ways... and sometimes getting to know someone is the best part.

I dropped my photography class. Not because I don't like photography. Not because I don't like the teacher. Simply because 1. I was NOT motivated to do the assignments. 2. The hours sucked.... 5 hours in one classroom... no. No thank you. I do need to get on this photography game though. I need that spark back. I just haven't had the urge to REALLY shoot. Statistics is... well... going? I don't know I just need it so I can finish this damned degree... I don't even need a degree... I just figured as much time and effort put into school I should have something to show for it... besides this super sassy creative brain of mine. O_O

And on to the next subject....

Friend Topic: What's your take on mutual friends siding with one or the other person from a relationship gone south? Do you take sides? And if so, why?

I actually deal with this more often than not. It makes it tricky because when a relationship goes to shit you have normally made friends of the other person... especially in long term relationships. I personally stay mutual between the two friends. They can vent, bitch, and complain... but I don't ever take a solid side. If the person is being unrealistic about their venting I politely say that I disagree or just tell them that they are being out of line. You can't have friends talking shit about other friends... but you can't make them hold in their feelings. Also, you have to keep in mind that one of them may be trying to get the scoop on the other one's current situation. Don't say shit. It's none of your business to share. Plus, it will make the friendship STRICTLY based upon the other persons current life.

So in result. You can stay friends with both parties. You can love them just the same. You can listen to their rants... but stay out of it. Don't repeat the information and don't stir the pot. When and if they get back together you still want to be a neutral party. Cause if you had been the messenger of bad news you are then made the untrusted.

I have lost a few friends over time because of ex-boyfriends, but the majority have stuck with me. Through and through. <3 I have even made new friends because of ex-boyfriends. Weird.

ANYWAYS.

My motivation SUCKS right now. I feel like I am in some sort of rut. My rooms a mess, my cars a mess, my life is just kind of a mess. haha. I wish I was making more money so I could do the things I want to but to have more money you have to have a job that takes more time. Evil fucking cycle. I like lists... so here is a random ass to do list.

YAY FOR LISTS LIST

• Quit being a lazy bum and clean my room. I need to go through my stuff and toss things again. I have all this storage space in drawers but nothing is quite organized. I just have stuff. I hate stuff. 
• My car needs to be cleaned out and detailed. -_- I also need to fix my trunk lock. Who breaks the lock to their trunk? Oh yes, that would be me. I also need to quit fucking off and buy new tires. The rain is here and I cannot afford an accident... not only for my cars sake but for my freedoms sake. 
• I need to make a plan for Christmas presents this year. I don't know why I wait so long... oh wait... yes. I do. Facebook and lack of money. I also want to do Christmas cards this year... that I need to start now.

Weird. That is all I can think of at the moment. 

So I went to my sister's wedding over the weekend, she is marrying her middle school sweetheart... they are having a baby soon too. It was a great and very fun wedding and I cannot wait to meet my niece. I LOVE BABIES!!!

However, on top of that... my lovely long term ex decided to tell me that if he gets the job he wants [that he interviewed for] he is going to propose to his current girlfriend of one-year and hopefully start having babies when he turns 30. Granted. I have NO WANT to have anything romantic with my ex... but the fact we were together for so long and they have been together no where near the amount of time we were and he is going to just jump on that marriage train... slightly makes me want to punch him in the face feel bad for myself. However... looking past the fact he is so eagerly going to get married makes me feel like I am nearing some sort of fucked up unspoken deadline. I don't even have anyone I am dating at the moment and I am talking about marriage. How crazy can women get? Let me tell you... fucking bat shit crazy. My mom was telling me at Hannah's wedding that my wedding will be as awesome as hers... as sweet as it is... it just felt... bad? I already have a general idea of what I want my wedding to be... but I just kept telling my mom I was going to elope. She didn't find it funny. As I look back on the relationships that I have had though... would I really want to be married to any of them? No... probably not. Not that they weren't totally amazing at some point or another... but if anyone is going to make me feel less of a person or make me sob like a little bitch because I am not "wanted" or unworthy of receiving mutual respect by keeping their penis in their pants... I will have to respectfully pass. I deserve more than that. And I fucking know this. 

I think women just have this random kick to the face... like, "Hey, all your friends are in relationships or are married. They get to have morning sex if they want it. They have someone to eat dinner with. They have someone to go to parties with. They have someone to play with their hair when they lay on the couch feeling like shit... what are you doing wrong? What is wrong with you? Why aren't you in a relationship? Why doesn't someone love you?" 

BUT THEN. Dun dun duuuuun. Once I think about it more. Why would I settle just to have those things? And why would I put up with someone who doesn't respect me. I need to have patience... cause even though I don't have those said things... I do have a pretty fucking fabulous life. Like okay... this is somewhat contradicting... but right now I can do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want. I can go where I want, eat what I want, and do what I want without having to inform anyone of anything. If I feel like dancing... I dance. If I feel like going for a beer or 8... I go for 15 [lol]. If I meet someone new... I don't have to drill them on their intentions. I don't have to worry about other people trying to fuck the same person I share a bed with. 

So... in a very drawn out chaotic conclusion. I would like a relationship but I also accept being single... so until someone slaps me across the face with their charming sweet yet funny personality. I am good being where I am at. I can wait. I have patience. Kind of. Not really.... but whatever.

I don't know how but all my blogs end up on the topic of relationships... either when I am in them, when I get out of them, or when I don't know what the hell I am doing. This is a I have no idea what I am doing but I think I am okay with it blog.

I don't need someone to tame me... I want someone to be as wild as I am... be a beast beside me. 

Not one of my most entertaining blogs... but it will have to do for now until I find something else I want to talk about.

I'm as single as a slice of American cheese.

I started following this site called "How About We For Couples" Yes, I realize I am single. And Yes, I realize that the site is for couples. I do however enjoy finding ideas for future references. [Yes, I am hopeless] But look they have ALL SORTS OF NEAT-O BURRITO THINGS!!

• Create in Clay Ceramics Workshop
• Learn to Make Next Level S'mores 
• Roll Bounce at SF's Roller Disco
• Stand Up Paddle Board Lessons for Two
• Learn to Give Each Other Rubdowns
• Love Is Art Painting Kit
• Couples Screen Printing Workshop
• Trapeze Lessons for Two

I mean the list of things is insane, plus these are only the things I find interesting. They have different dinner dates and movie passes and things like that and it goes on and on and on.

So a friend posted an article on how in France they banned beauty pageants for girls under the age of 16.  Anyone hosting a beauty pageant for those under the age of 16 will get a $40,000 fine and 2 years in prison. I also have a photo project due tomorrow. I finally had my spark of creativity.

I have 3 photos I need to turn in for my photo class tomorrow. People: Fiction


Of course I have yet to shoot it. However, I just came up with my plan. I have all these dresses I never wear and a princess crown I spent $20 on for a different photo project so I am basically just going to go for the controversial aspect of it all. So full blown running make up, messy hair, prom dresses.
[Think: Courtney Love]


I just have so much going on with photography I don't feel like I am putting my all into it.

[Pre-shoot of the Skateboard Collection]

 [The Dog]

 [Fields]

 [Newborn Shoot]

[Wedding]

I mean I personally think they are all okay, but nothing is quite what I want it to be. My lighting is off, my positioning is wrong, the exposure is not right, etc.. etc.. etc.. 

I wish I could take pictures with my eyeballs. That would be neat. 

My blogging motivation has gone down the tube. So I will post this and continue on with my day. 

Hello My Old Heart

I tried to write a blog last week with little success. I post long and mindless posts on Facebook all day long but as soon as I open up the blogger page my mind draws this blank.

My mind = [FranklinGymSexPhotographyWarPoliticsFunnyPresentSadBeerNudityButterfliesHistoryEducationRealityDreamsDeathPensPaperMasturbationMoneyWeatherDecoratingReligionExboyfriendsLawsFoodTodolistsMathColorsTrucksPlacesEconomyJuiceFriendsPastVolunteeringLivestockCalculatorsGardeningBubblebathsPreworkoutPeopleQuotesBabiesHomeworkRelationshipsMichelleJailNailpolishBooksEuropeCraftsRapePoliticiansOrganizationalskillsZombiesTelevision]

My mind while trying to write a blog = [    hmmm...     ]

It is like this non-stop chaos to comes to a halt. I try not to censor myself too much on my blog but I know I do. Some things just get into the realm of awkwardness and since I have NO IDEA who reads it... I have to expect that EVERYONE reads it. [Hi Grandma. (lol. jk. Grandma doesn't have a computer)] I know some of the things I have wrote in the past have caused people to be upset. I should have a disclaimer.

***Disclaimer: I say fuck a lot.***

Now it isn't because I lack the vocabulary to come up with a more suitable word. I just like the word. It is definitely offensive to many people and quite unprofessional. However, I don't really care. Granted, while in certain company I will curve the need to say it because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable... but with the choice you made to read this... well, you chose to read it. Don't judge my vocabulary.

Since we have gotten past that portion of things. I guess we will just go over a couple things until I get back into the groove of things.

Life.

Ah, yes. The past year has been A FUCKING TRIP. I pretty much have covered most bases of life in just 2013 and it isn't even over yet. I guess all in all it has been a year of self discovery. I am still working on a lot of things but I think I have the majority of it figured out. I wrote a Facebook post about it...

Every night... I try to go to bed early and yet every night I am wide awake. Thoughts invade my head from everyday tasks to things that I have(had) no control over.  

The conversation about the month of March didn't help. Everyone was posting things about Michelle's 6 month anniversary of her death. I can remember every last detail of walking into the house up until the paramedics came... Then the rest of the month was kind of fuzzy (more like non-existent) I'm sure it must just be a coping mechanism my brain uses.

On a more positive scale... I had a conversation tonight about not allowing my life to fall apart (not in relation to Michelle) I'm notorious for letting myself slip then getting caught with having my life fall apart and constantly trying to fit the pieces back together while other parts crumble. Like some giant juggling act of never getting it right. 

Recently on this unexpected path of self-discovery and awareness... I realized that I am the only person to blame. Bad will always show its ugly face and I will never be the person the media tells me to be. I am my own entity separated from the masses. There may be someone prettier than me, smarter, more charming, more creative, more connected in social activities, more spontaneous... Etc... You get the point. However, no one will be me. I am my own divine self. I am who I was meant to be... Not saying I am better than anyone else but I am perfect in the way of self. (does that make any sense?) 

I finally have that drive I've been searching for. I could spend my whole life searching for someone or something to make me happy... But I'll never find it because what I need is something I already have. I just didn't realize it. I just needed a chance to change direction and focus. Life isn't about what you have or who you can impress... It is about making the best out of every situation, about loving yourself, it is about being able to share moments with the people around you who strive to also make the best of the time they have here.

I don't have much but I have exactly what I need... A loving family, a solid group of friends, generally good health, a challenging job, a place to live, reliable transportation, and another day to wake up and live the life I want to lead.

It seems to be that we are our own worst enemies... That we don't see how beautiful we are because we are comparing ourselves to everyone else. BUT as one of my favorite quotes puts it....

"The grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit."  

If you think about it... everything you read is only a portion of their life. No one really shares the parts of themselves that they are not happy with. Yes, you will read "I need to start working out" "I am single again" "I am angry" But how often do you read or hear that people are sad... and not sad because of a youtube video they just watched... but genuinely just sad or unhappy. How often do you hear about the every day stressors in someone's life? For me it's not that often. You almost have to dig for that information. I am a firm believer in it is better out than in. Not in a way of ALWAYS complaining about EVERYTHING... but in a way of letting go of that negative and moving in to a positive way of thinking. 

And now I am at a point in the blog where my thoughts are starting to collide. I need a firm topic... 

Being Single.

My ex is pretty awesome. Well, for being an ex. We started dating out of the blue and we ended out of the blue. Definitely not something I had planned on and not exactly something I wanted because we were able to get along really well but he gave me something that I needed. The realization that no one can complete you, you have to complete yourself. 

So I have switched things up and I am really working on being... well... me? I relate to the movie Runaway Bride. I conform to relationships giving up who I am to be with someone else. The reasoning for this is I want to make things work, I like the person and I want them to be with me. 

I am that person who just wants to be loved by someone. I basically grew up while being in a long term relationship so that is all I really know. But I think as I have gotten older I have started to realize that when single I am able to be myself. I do what I want, when I want, for the reasons I want to. I am a quirky individual and people like me for who I am. So my relationship fail because when in them... I change. 

So I have set up some random goals in order to make myself better and improve the quality of my life. 

• Be healthier. I was always afraid of the gym. Technically I still am. It is a big place with lots of big people who know what they are doing and I am over here like hey... I can curl 30lbs! Once I started going it has become easier [although I am not at the confidence level I would like to be at] I love the after feeling, I love knowing that although I cannot see it... I can feel changes... and those changes are happening because I am making them. I may never get to the point where I am competition status, but the strength I gain is something that belongs to me. 
• Do things. My parents really didn't do family vacations. So we never really went anywhere. With the group of friends I have now... people are willing to get out of town and go explore which is great! On top of that though, there are things I want to do. So I have the chance to do them even if it is just by myself driving up to Fort Bragg to see a beach. 
• Side note: When making plans for myself and including other people it seems that when the other person changes their mind or just straight up flakes. I no longer follow through with the plan. I just say fuck it and stay home to do my normal routine. This is a problem in the sense where I haven't done a lot because of another person. 
• Learn things. There is so much out there to learn. I mean you have classes, colleges, events, and the internet!! The lists of things we can learn is endless. I've always wanted to learn how to make crafty stuff like soaps and candles... but I also want to learn how to operate heavy machinery and build stuff. I want to learn how to be self sufficient and re-learn how to fish and also learn how to hunt. I want to learn how to blow glass and ride horses... how to dance and play the guitar my dad gave me... I want to learn more sign language and how to sew. There is this endless list of things that I want to do and I have the time to do it. 
• Be organized. I am a big ball of fiery chaos. My car is a mess and all the drawers in my room are just filled with stuff. STUFF EVERYWHERE. I need to find a way to take more time to do the simple things that way it doesn't build up. 
• Just relax. It doesn't matter what I am doing, I am always thinking and planning and this and that and the other thing. I NEVER GIVE MYSELF A BREAK. Even when I have time I am on Facebook giving an opinion or trying to help someone. It is like I put all these plans and goals and things around me... I rarely just sit down and read a book or watch a movie to enjoy the moment. Everything is always planned and executed which in the end normally leaves me scrambling for time. 

So I cannot say I do not wish to be in a relationship because I would like the companionship... I want a best friend that can be more than that but right now it just seems the right person hasn't come along. I just have to do what I do and enjoy what I can because in all honesty... you never know what is going to happen... might as well make the best of it.

Codependency & Dating

You know how things just sort of come to you, maybe nudge you a bit... 

AND THEN SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE WITH AN IRON FIST?

Yeah that is kind of what happened. 

I don't know. I have one crazy out of control past... dating and trying to be this person I am/am not.

I am a codependent  We talked about it in my DUI class tonight. Knowing full well I have a problem I continue to find these people I just HAVE to date. I would give them anything and do anything for them. I follow like a puppy. I give up part of me to have that connection with them. 

Codependency stems from the past I have had and the need to always be the fixer, to have people love & accept me, to love & be loved. It seems normal but it isn't in the degree in which I seem to have it. 

I have been ROYALLY fucked over by people I have dated and yet I still accept them and want them in my life. Maybe not as a lover but I still want their friendship. It is a good thing and a bad thing.

So today I read this quote from Oprah. 

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts..."

I am PRETTY much the complete opposite of EVERYTHING she said. Raised in the right era I would have probably been Holly Fucking Housewife... but by being here today I drink, I smoke, I've done some crazy shit, I curse like a sailor, and thankfully can be independent financially.

I really don't have much else to say concerning this because it is sort of a sore subject. BUT I can say acceptance is the first step... I love myself... I just need to learn how to love myself without losing that balance over another person.

Mourning & The Process Of Change

I think I have come to realize why the mourning process takes its toll differently on different people. I miss Michelle the most when I am on Facebook and bored. Since we all know that I am on Facebook EVERYDAY religiously... it was our thing. We would have Facebook chats about everything and anything. What we were doing, what we were going to do, etc... So when I get online and see her profile still there... my heart sinks. It's not liked we talked about important things... we just talked and I would sit here in my room laughing hell of loud with no one around. I believe that if I worked at the Cabin [or even still frequented there] around the time of her death the loss would hit me more because I would still have been seeing her almost daily. The lake is another thing that makes my heart sink... she was my lake buddy all last summer.

I see a lot of her close friends [not discounting my self or others... but we all know who was closer] and her boyfriend having a harder time. I believe the reason for this is that instead of just thinking to talk to her while on Facebook or randomly... these people thought to call her, kidnap her, visit her, go out with her... on an almost daily basis. So it seems that they would have a harder time because they now have to fill that time that they would be involved with her with other things, other thoughts, other people. It's never the same and they are constantly reminded of the time that could be spent together lost.

In an analytical way... Losing Michelle is like how I felt when I quit smoking cigarettes. When I was in the process I would be like "Okay Megan, Find something else to do... What am I going to do... Well I will have a cigarette while I think of something to do to help me quit smoking." WAIT WHAT? Seriously it was a constant thing occurring in my head. To fill the time that I wasn't going to smoke I wanted to smoke knowing that I couldn't. [Weird I know] SO in that sense... You have friends who are attempting to heal... but they are doing things that Michelle would be involved in or dealing with life things that she would be there for and although they know they still are reminded that she is not there and she isn't going to be but still have the urge to call, text, or invite her places.

Seeing my friends hurt makes my heart hurt. Everyone is coping the best way they can. I see posts, I hear about friends going to the gravesite, I know that people are still crying themselves to sleep at night... So you have all these wonderful friends and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to help them. You just have to stand by and watch as their hearts start to heal then breaks again when they think of her. Seriously, how fucked up is that.

I am still not sure if I am still in the denial stage or I just really became this psycho motivated "I am Megan, I love myself, hear me roar" person. I hope the hurt never comes. I mean the first week was terrible and maybe because of my agnostic ways of living are involved I hurt more for those around me. Don't get me wrong... I love Michelle and I always will. She is in my heart forever as the most fun-loving, excitable, crazy when drinking redbull, sweet, loving friend... but in her passing I have 180°  I mean I was jobless, boyfriendless, dealing with all this shitty stuff in life [DUI's suck...Having 2 of them really really sucks]... and then... like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds I realized that I was being stupid. Why waste my life? Why feel bad about the things I cannot change? Why let myself fall into a path of negativity? Why would I let myself go? It hit me like a softball in the face... out of the blue and hard. The saying "You Only Live Once" is more of a "You Only Die Once, You Live Everyday" 

Michelle's death although tragic, unexpected, and fucking awful... has given me this motivation to not only live for myself but to live for others. It's not like everyday is going to be a good day and it's not like I am going to completely change who I am.... but I know I need to be better as a person and better for those around me.

[This started out as a Facebook post. lol]

The Sun Ain't Got Nothin' On You Honey

I have been thinking about writing a blog since this whole thing happened. There are so many thoughts and feelings.

Because we all are going through it... I figured I would post the 5 Stages Of Loss. No one goes through these the same... but we will all go through them at some point in the healing process.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

There are no words that can express the feelings of loss. It is like a hole is drilled into your heart and never heals, just fills with mindless things to cover the pain. Michelle's death was no one's fault. She was stubborn... so stubborn as she laid unable to move on the floor barely able to breath she told me she was fine. She never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted any help. The fact people are placing blame on others makes my heart hurt. I understand it is a coping mechanism... but if you are placing blame you never even knew Michelle. She would never want anyone to feel bad about this... she would never want hurtful words to be thrown around. That was never who she was, so by people using words to hurt others is absolutely mind blowing. I guess that is just life though.

I have mixed feelings about being the one who found her. I know Chris would have been there if he had his own truck... but it was probably better that I was down the street and beat everyone else he called there. I can still picture it in my head. I still remember the feeling of panic welling up in my chest. I am glad I can handle those situations with grace. All I wanted to do is yell and cry and vomit and everything all at once... instead I talked in my teacher voice... calm and reassuring.

What's up honey?
Everything is going to be fine.
I am calling the ambulance.
What is this address?
I'll be right back.
Found the address!
They will be here soon.

I am going to move your arm, it has to be numb.
Can you feel this hand?
That's good.
What about this hand?
Okay. Great.

The good thing is, you will probably get amazing drugs.
Morphine!!!
I am going to crate the dogs so they don't scare the paramedics.
Don't worry about anything.
This is just a bump in the road that we will talk about years from now.
I will grab your clothes so you have something to change into.
I can't find your phone charger.
The last thing we want to do is panic.
I will meet you at the hospital.
Everything is going to be fine.
I will see you soon.

I will never get that image of her out of my head. I asked my friend who is a firefighter how he lives with the images. He just apologized and told me his way is not the way it is supposed to be. I honestly was afraid to sleep the first few nights. I was afraid the event would replay over and over again. I totally respect paramedics, firefighters, military, nurses, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has to see things. It doesn't go away... you just store it in a different part of your brain and hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. So far so good.

She was put in the ambulance and that is the last time she was conscious. Those are the last things she heard. Me telling her everything was going to be fine. Obviously nothing is fine. We lost one of our own to something so unexpected and honestly... quite stupid. I mean I figured one of us would die of alcohol poisoning or a car accident. Sick and sad... but more plausible than fucking pneumonia. I spent a majority of the day in my calm -everything is going to be okay- state. I mean I was watching people crack around me... and I tried so hard to keep together and to keep positive. Watching her die the first time was enough. Chest compression for 30 minutes, having people crying, me crying, everything just seeming to be one big blur. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate but then had to remind myself that no good would come from me passing out.

We have had event's in her honor, people have been over at the house practically every night, we've laughed/cried/freaked out and pretty much everything in between. Depending on who you are depends on how you have seen me. Now I am alone and it's calming. It's like the burden of her death weighs heavy on my mind but I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to protect anyone, I don't have to do anything... it is just me, my cat, and my computer.

It all comes back to that same thing of me being more social on the internet. I love everyone and enjoy spending time with people close to me... but sometimes I just want to have time with my thoughts... the internet is a way for me to analyze how I feel and what I am thinking. Granted... you guys think I type a lot but in reality you only read a portion of what I write. I think, I type, I erase, then I type some more.

Everyone knows how much I love to take photos. Everyone gives me shit for the amount of photos I take. Is it strange that I felt guilty for the lack of photos I had of Michelle when going through my files? I swore I would have so many. I think I only had about 75 of my own. Now I am just thinking of what happens if someone else dies... What if I don't get enough "good" photos. I guess I will have to start doing photo shoots with everyone just to ensure I have "good" pictures. Michelle was supposed to model for me but we just never made time for it.

I really didn't get very many. We had so many times we hung out but I just never brought my camera. It was just another day of another week of another month. But now looking back all those random days made up our friendship. Like our time at Str8 Shooters... we SUCKED at beer pong so we just would try to distract the other team. Everyone thought we were sisters and we would just LAUGH... She is so petite and I am so gigantic. But we were blonde so I guess that is what mattered. And whenever she would get antsy because she drank too much I would just pick her up and walk... wouldn't really walk to anywhere in particular... maybe just a couple laps around the bar but she would calm down and wouldn't try to bite anyone. HAHA. She got me good once and I was like... WOMAN!! I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND I'LL LOOK LIKE A WHORE! I laughed so hard even though it hurt. Jacob and I lived with her and Chris the last week of June because my roommates were assholes. We spent time at the lake buddied up while all the boys were being crazy and we even went to the wine and spirits thing together in Berkeley. We discovered there is a lake in Oakland that we were planning to go back to when the weather got warmer [I am still going to go and I will bring her picture]. I realized how much information her brain could store when we went to Dillon's beach. As I was driving she was pointing out different plants telling me their scientific name. Bubbly ass Michelle was full of knowledge and could pull that shit out on a whim. She was an amazing co-worker. If I didn't take a shift she would and vice versa. She would come hang out with me on shifts and even bring me food if I was hungry. She was ALWAYS worried about me being hungry. And she was always willing to come get me if I got drunk. Anytime I was in need she would just totally be there for me. We had our girly talks while no one was around but if we were in a crowd it was always sunshine and flowers. I only seen her pissed off ONE time. She was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad cause the bar was just out of control. So. Me being the giant I just followed her, picked her up, put her in the bathroom, and gave her two choices... hit me or hug me. We hugged and talked for a second and by that time she was just so exhausted she calmed down. [She wasn't really a hitter except she did pop a few of the boys in the face...]

Her funeral was nice. It was well done... slightly awkward because of the religious propaganda slid in there... but nice none the less. I wish I could have heard Chris, Adam, Jamie, and Kaycee speak about her. The fact the Cabin was not mentioned was pretty upsetting also... especially since most of the people from the funeral were from the bar. I know an image was trying to be upheld but it just didn't capture the Michelle everyone knew. Sprint and Starbucks were side jobs to her. She hated working at sprint because of the uniform. And she quit Starbucks without even a blink of the eye because she made more money bartending and didn't have to deal with customers at 5am. Which brings me to this....

If I should die a sudden and unexpected death before getting married or having babies.... [Don't worry this is just a.... just in case thing. I will probably live until I am 90 and be pissed off about it. hahaha]

- My mom and sister are allowed to go through my things. I've hidden nothing from them about who I am and what I am about. They get the choice of what they want. However I want that moment to be shared with my close friends.... because well... they have been stuck with me also. [Just don't let the non-close people go through my dresser drawers... that would be awkward] My close friends can have pretty much anything they want of mine [The important stuff goes to Amy, Brenna, and Jayden though... like my guitar, camera, and computer] All they have to do is ask. You want my perfume... sure. You want articles of clothing... fine. You want random scarves, jewerly, hair stuff... Just ask and my mom will be way laid back about it. Brenna also get's a higher pick than friends... but you kittens just work among yourselves. Whatever you do don't be greedy and don't try to sell off my shit. HAHA. All the people in my life are awesome... so stay awesome.

- I don't care if you bury me or cremate me. It really doesn't matter. I will be dead. My body is just a vessel nothing more. If I am buried though I do not want an open casket, I do not want a lot of make-up on, and I want to be in something comfortable.. like a Sweater, jeans, and flip flops. LOL. I dunno it just makes sense. If I am cremated and people want to carry a little bit of my ashes... cool. Someone fork over the money to bottle my ashes up. I would however like a place for people to "visit" so a little tomb area would be cool with some of the ashes. Also, if there is going to be a tombstone... write something witty. I don't want a boring tombstone.

- My favorite flowers are Sunflowers.

- Also, If I am buried I want people to print out pictures of me and them or of just them with something written on the back of the picture... anything... it could be a poem, a letter, a memory.... just something. Cause my body may be gone but the memories will be what matters.

- I want EVERYONE to be able to speak at my funeral if they want. I don't care how long it takes. As long as people get the closure they need... I am good with that. So talk on friends.

- I'd like my funeral to have formal clothing [just because it will be funny to see some of you people dressed up.] Black would not be necessary .. I understand it is a pain in the ass to find funeral clothing. Just dress up and look pretty. <3 Wear whatever color you want. I am more of an earthy toned chick... but whatever you feel like wearing is just dandy.

- NO CHURCH MUSIC. Play something awesome. Sing it if you want... something that reminds me of you. Or all of you. Pick a good song though. And I think Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine should be at least one of the songs.... even if it is just background music. You guys should dance to it... bwhahaha. Cause I do... every time I hear it. Okay... maybe you won't dance.... because that would be weird... maybe just blast it in your car one time for me.

- Any money left over from funeral costs... put in my nephew's college fund. Simple. I happen to have lots of money left [very very doubtful] split the money between Jayden's college fund, Brandon's college fund, Carly's college fund, & Amanda's college fund. Do what you can with what is left.

- I want a party... a celebration of life party. I want you people to remember the awesome times together. I want you to be like... REMEMBER THE TIME THAT MEGAN.... ____________ !!!hahahahahaha make it fun. Enjoy the memories. Enjoy the time we spent together. DO NOT BE ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES.

All I could ask for after my passing would be for everyone to come together and celebrate life, take care of your own life, and live as awesome as you possibly could. Unless someone actually kills me... don't place blame on anyone. I am a big girl I make my own decisions.

Somewhat of a saddening thought I know and I am sure I am going to get angry phone calls from my family for posting something like this so soon after my friend passing away... but just watching everyone, seeing all this chaos and unhappiness... seriously. Don't do that. I will be SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. [if there are ghosts... I will haunt you.]

I was going to combine a couple other things I have been thinking about in this blog but it is already somewhat chaotic. I hope I don't make anyone a sad panda after reading this. I just needed to get this out and aired. I actually feel better... I am just really tired.

Blogging Because I Have The Time

So I have been thinking about typing up a blog for a minute... but everything is always so chaotic.

Current Financial/Living Status:

Let's see. Regarding me moving to Oregon. Well, I have to set up a court date with my public defender who hasn't returned my call [rude]. I basically have to beg the court to let me move. It almost seems not worth it. I mean, once the time comes where I can no longer tiptoe through the high waters and I finally begin to drown... I will just swim away. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN CALIFORNIA. 

[Plus, leaving my cat behind... it just makes the thought of moving not as appealing.] 

The only reason I have been staying afloat is my friends and family. I mean... Jamie didn't kick me out knowing I couldn't pay her rent [I am just racking up an IOU], my step-mom has helped with gas and food, and my friends help me keep my social realm active. I've never hit a low like this and asking for help has never been my forte. I am a helper... not a helpee. My pride doesn't allow me to ask for handouts... HOWEVER. I always knew if I needed support I have some of the most amazing people in my life and they definitely have proven themselves. You don't forget shit like that. Everyone who has helped me just does it... none of that... "Do you need help Megan?" Cause I say no almost every time.

I want a job that allows me to be happy. I mean I am a ninja at typing and at 10-key, I know all office equipment, I am amazing at multiple phone lines, and I have customer service skills up the wazoo. I just need to find something. I wish I knew how to use QuickBooks. I don't want to bartend again but I will if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I mean I am also even considering getting into a labor job. I just need something that pays more than minimum wage!!! And the VERY LAST thing I want to do is go back into retail. I love people... but I hate people who shop. I don't want to clean up after adults and I definitely don't want to sell crap to people who don't need it. Plus. As you all may know I am a creature of habit. So while working at a bar... I drink. While working in retail... I shop. So if I get a job digging ditches... I will bury people... wait... what?

I WANT BEN HAGGERTY'S BABIES.

My friend bought me a ticket to see Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I am beyond stoked about it. "Macklemore" just got engaged... and in my little fantasy world... it makes me sad. HAHA. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. Lol. Total groupie status. But on the reality side of things. I LOVE WHAT HE RAPS ABOUT. He talks about everything that people tend to ignore. Especially having a not so pretty past of my own I find myself relating to what he has to say. *le Sigh*

BUT you want to know what I find to be the coolest part about it? My friend Brooke who no longer even lives in the state of California bought me the ticket. It was one of those genuinely sweet gestures and made my heart super happy. For her to go out of her way to show her appreciation of our friendship was so random but so thoughtful.

"Megan, What are you doing wrong to always get cheated on?"
My buddy asked me that the other day while we were driving. Somewhat of an awkward thought. I am not really sure what I do... but out of the relationships I have had... the ratio is not looking very promising.

- I told a friend of mine how one of my exes is in a relationship where he is actually being honest to the girl, isn't cheating on her, and has really turned his relationship ways around.
- What does my friend do?
- Laugh. 
- His thought on it was... "if he cheated your entire relationship & cheated on other girls he talked to...  he will cheat again." It made my heart heavy. I don't know his current girlfriend, but she seems to be a nice girl. I mean this friend of mine has never met my ex... so it is just his thoughts on cheaters. I really do hope my ex has a normal faithful relationship and that the girl he is with does not cheat on him either. 

Which that in turn, also makes my heart heavy. Always the rule, never the exception. It is somewhat silly but you sort of thing of things like... why wasn't I good enough... or why haven't I been good enough... what does she have that I didn't?

THIS IN NO MEANS IS AN "I WANT MY EX BACK" SITUATION!!! [fuck that shit I've played that game too many times. It is almost like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeeeeeeeah. No. ]

I love that fool and I will always love him. He was and still is one of my best friends. [weird I know] But I would never go back to that. We are better as long distant friends than in a relationship.

But in almost every relationship I was some sort of sucker... I treat boyfriends as best friends. I expect them not to lie to me. Like, if you are my best friend... why would you try to hide shit. I know I have had my crazy ass moments... but I am in most cases quite sane when honesty happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted. You cannot exactly slip, fall, and put your penis into another woman without having some sort of conscious thought about it... I have gone both ways about it. I have been off my rocker out of my mind... contemplating a life in prison ready to set his house on fire [Think Miranda Lambert's - Kerosene] and I have also been completely calm and did my best at putting faith in the human good and forgiveness and continued to support him. Neither panned out for my benefit.

What can I say... I pick some winners. If you are reading this... you probably know some of them. Great guys... just not in a relationship.

My Online Life:
Everyone knows me through Facebook. They know me more than I know them. Somewhat of a weird concept if you think about it. I seriously have NO IDEA who exactly reads my posts, my blogs, listens to the music I post, laughs at the things I find funny. I mean how many of my 700+ friends know more about me than I know. Actually quite creepy. At a party last night I was greeted by... oh I don't know... 15+ people. Half of them mentioned Facebook. The other half brought up the bar. Bar + Facebook = The people I seem to know. The weird thing is... I almost like it better than way. I like being home and I like having a general audience.

I really should get out more though. If something interesting happens. I don't tell just one person... I TELL THE ENTIRE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY. [Well, certain things I don't discuss... just because that would be a little awkward. Hey let me tell you about my sex life. Bow chica bow wow]

Side note: My cat just jumped down to the ground and licked my leg. He really reminds me of a dog. I just wish I could take him on walks without being weird.

I am undecided on if I want to post this. It has been a few days of coming back to it... writing... saving... walking away... coming back... repeat.

Single & Unemployed...

I have the overwhelming feeling of the word, "Fuck"

Yup. That is pretty much the summary of how I feel. I am sure there is a more appropriate word. But with this feeling you can tell I don't really care. lol. 

I hated bartending anyways. I mean... super fun job and WAY more laid back than any other job you can have... but it drains your soul. Plus... with two DUI's and a binge drinking problem I think that NOT working at the bar is a better thing for me. I even called my Ex, Chris, to talk about it. Our biggest relationship problem is I basically have relationships with bars. I always have. First it was Bottom of the Fifth before I was 21, Thompson's Corner when I turned 21, AC's pub & Grill when I worked there, then The Elmira Cabin when I worked there. He just told me that I was stubborn and that I should really look for a normal job instead of jumping on the same problem bus that I always seem to get on. He also made the point of if I get a job [or two] that are long hours I won't have time to go to the bars and I will be able to save money.

 Side Note: 

Chris legitimately is one of my best friends. We also talked about how it was weird that we could talk about things like me dating and him moving into a house with his girlfriend. He is that one guy that I will forever love but can never be in love with because we are awesome apart and toxic together. We rarely talk but when I need to talk to someone he is always there to be like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEGAN?!?!" And I heed his advice. Basically no one knows me like he knows me because of the 7+ years we spent together and he has no ill intentions towards me. We are how divorced couples are supposed to act... except we never got married. lol. 

Speaking of dating. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't really date I just sort of jump into a non-titled relationship. Hook, Line, and Sinker. It is not only my fault though. It isn't like I go super clingy crazy status. It is just how do you talk to more than one person and not feel like a nasty little slut? LOL. I am not even talking about sleeping with people. I am really talking about talking/dating/etc... Why would I want to get to know multiple people all at the same time? I mean I have a terrible memory in the first place and I also seem to have diarrhea of the mouth so if I do happen to talk to more than one person everyone is going to know about it... including the people I am dating. I can't "talk to" more than one person. So then it falls into an exclusive category. Cause if you are only really talking to one person and not even interested in talking to anyone else... and the other person feels the same way.... 

Like I said before... throw up in mouth.

Man. I really over think stuff. I actually signed up for Match.com or something like that... but then immediately deleted the account. For being such an extrovert I am really not into meeting new people... I have a hard enough time balancing out the friends I have now. 

I do know however how I want to be treated. I want to have a best friend who I can stand to be around who genuinely cares about me and my interests and wants me to be happy... even if it means kissing me on the forehead when I am sad panda. lol. For being such a dominant female... I am really just a puppy. I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Plus I heard somewhere that it actually boosts endorphin's... lose job and I just want to cuddle. Weird. 

[How does it literally kill?]

Jacob was more of a friend who I just happened to help and sleep with for 6 months. You know... it's casual. We had a few really cute boyfriend/girlfriend moments but I knew it was not a forever thing... it was just a give and take to balance out life. I will say one thing in his defense... once he gets a few years on him and if he doesn't get all fucking tainted by life... he will make some woman an excellent husband. 

My mom wants me to move to Oregon with her. Free place to stay until I find a job and then I could just help with bills and such. I've always talked about moving up there... even before she lived there. I love it there... it is a whole different way of life. However, leaving would be insanely difficult. I've lived in this area for SOOOOOOO long now. There are certain friends that I have a hard time imagining leaving behind. I would have to start over. I would have to make new friends. I would have to deal with all the same shit I have already been through to find friends that I have now and a lot of my friends are SO unique... it would be impossible to replace them. I know only like one person who would make the trip to come see me. But I would live close to all sorts of awesome outdoors stuff, be closer with my family, and have new opportunities. Some people say go and some people say stay. At least I could date people who don't know each other. lol.