I tried to write a blog last week with little success. I post long and mindless posts on Facebook all day long but as soon as I open up the blogger page my mind draws this blank.
My mind = [FranklinGymSexPhotographyWarPoliticsFunnyPresentSadBeerNudityButterfliesHistoryEducationRealityDreamsDeathPensPaperMasturbationMoneyWeatherDecoratingReligionExboyfriendsLawsFoodTodolistsMathColorsTrucksPlacesEconomyJuiceFriendsPastVolunteeringLivestockCalculatorsGardeningBubblebathsPreworkoutPeopleQuotesBabiesHomeworkRelationshipsMichelleJailNailpolishBooksEuropeCraftsRapePoliticiansOrganizationalskillsZombiesTelevision]
My mind while trying to write a blog = [ hmmm... ]
It is like this non-stop chaos to comes to a halt. I try not to censor myself too much on my blog but I know I do. Some things just get into the realm of awkwardness and since I have NO IDEA who reads it... I have to expect that EVERYONE reads it. [Hi Grandma. (lol. jk. Grandma doesn't have a computer)] I know some of the things I have wrote in the past have caused people to be upset. I should have a disclaimer.
***Disclaimer: I say fuck a lot.***
Now it isn't because I lack the vocabulary to come up with a more suitable word. I just like the word. It is definitely offensive to many people and quite unprofessional. However, I don't really care. Granted, while in certain company I will curve the need to say it because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable... but with the choice you made to read this... well, you chose to read it. Don't judge my vocabulary.
Since we have gotten past that portion of things. I guess we will just go over a couple things until I get back into the groove of things.
Ah, yes. The past year has been A FUCKING TRIP. I pretty much have covered most bases of life in just 2013 and it isn't even over yet. I guess all in all it has been a year of self discovery. I am still working on a lot of things but I think I have the majority of it figured out. I wrote a Facebook post about it...
Every night... I try to go to bed early and yet every night I am wide awake. Thoughts invade my head from everyday tasks to things that I have(had) no control over.
The conversation about the month of March didn't help. Everyone was posting things about Michelle's 6 month anniversary of her death. I can remember every last detail of walking into the house up until the paramedics came... Then the rest of the month was kind of fuzzy (more like non-existent) I'm sure it must just be a coping mechanism my brain uses.On a more positive scale... I had a conversation tonight about not allowing my life to fall apart (not in relation to Michelle) I'm notorious for letting myself slip then getting caught with having my life fall apart and constantly trying to fit the pieces back together while other parts crumble. Like some giant juggling act of never getting it right.Recently on this unexpected path of self-discovery and awareness... I realized that I am the only person to blame. Bad will always show its ugly face and I will never be the person the media tells me to be. I am my own entity separated from the masses. There may be someone prettier than me, smarter, more charming, more creative, more connected in social activities, more spontaneous... Etc... You get the point. However, no one will be me. I am my own divine self. I am who I was meant to be... Not saying I am better than anyone else but I am perfect in the way of self. (does that make any sense?)I finally have that drive I've been searching for. I could spend my whole life searching for someone or something to make me happy... But I'll never find it because what I need is something I already have. I just didn't realize it. I just needed a chance to change direction and focus. Life isn't about what you have or who you can impress... It is about making the best out of every situation, about loving yourself, it is about being able to share moments with the people around you who strive to also make the best of the time they have here.I don't have much but I have exactly what I need... A loving family, a solid group of friends, generally good health, a challenging job, a place to live, reliable transportation, and another day to wake up and live the life I want to lead.
It seems to be that we are our own worst enemies... That we don't see how beautiful we are because we are comparing ourselves to everyone else. BUT as one of my favorite quotes puts it....
"The grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit."
If you think about it... everything you read is only a portion of their life. No one really shares the parts of themselves that they are not happy with. Yes, you will read "I need to start working out" "I am single again" "I am angry" But how often do you read or hear that people are sad... and not sad because of a youtube video they just watched... but genuinely just sad or unhappy. How often do you hear about the every day stressors in someone's life? For me it's not that often. You almost have to dig for that information. I am a firm believer in it is better out than in. Not in a way of ALWAYS complaining about EVERYTHING... but in a way of letting go of that negative and moving in to a positive way of thinking.
And now I am at a point in the blog where my thoughts are starting to collide. I need a firm topic...
My ex is pretty awesome. Well, for being an ex. We started dating out of the blue and we ended out of the blue. Definitely not something I had planned on and not exactly something I wanted because we were able to get along really well but he gave me something that I needed. The realization that no one can complete you, you have to complete yourself.
So I have switched things up and I am really working on being... well... me? I relate to the movie Runaway Bride. I conform to relationships giving up who I am to be with someone else. The reasoning for this is I want to make things work, I like the person and I want them to be with me.
I am that person who just wants to be loved by someone. I basically grew up while being in a long term relationship so that is all I really know. But I think as I have gotten older I have started to realize that when single I am able to be myself. I do what I want, when I want, for the reasons I want to. I am a quirky individual and people like me for who I am. So my relationship fail because when in them... I change.
So I have set up some random goals in order to make myself better and improve the quality of my life.
- Be healthier. I was always afraid of the gym. Technically I still am. It is a big place with lots of big people who know what they are doing and I am over here like hey... I can curl 30lbs! Once I started going it has become easier [although I am not at the confidence level I would like to be at] I love the after feeling, I love knowing that although I cannot see it... I can feel changes... and those changes are happening because I am making them. I may never get to the point where I am competition status, but the strength I gain is something that belongs to me.
- Do things. My parents really didn't do family vacations. So we never really went anywhere. With the group of friends I have now... people are willing to get out of town and go explore which is great! On top of that though, there are things I want to do. So I have the chance to do them even if it is just by myself driving up to Fort Bragg to see a beach.
- Side note: When making plans for myself and including other people it seems that when the other person changes their mind or just straight up flakes. I no longer follow through with the plan. I just say fuck it and stay home to do my normal routine. This is a problem in the sense where I haven't done a lot because of another person.
- Learn things. There is so much out there to learn. I mean you have classes, colleges, events, and the internet!! The lists of things we can learn is endless. I've always wanted to learn how to make crafty stuff like soaps and candles... but I also want to learn how to operate heavy machinery and build stuff. I want to learn how to be self sufficient and re-learn how to fish and also learn how to hunt. I want to learn how to blow glass and ride horses... how to dance and play the guitar my dad gave me... I want to learn more sign language and how to sew. There is this endless list of things that I want to do and I have the time to do it.
- Be organized. I am a big ball of fiery chaos. My car is a mess and all the drawers in my room are just filled with stuff. STUFF EVERYWHERE. I need to find a way to take more time to do the simple things that way it doesn't build up.
- Just relax. It doesn't matter what I am doing, I am always thinking and planning and this and that and the other thing. I NEVER GIVE MYSELF A BREAK. Even when I have time I am on Facebook giving an opinion or trying to help someone. It is like I put all these plans and goals and things around me... I rarely just sit down and read a book or watch a movie to enjoy the moment. Everything is always planned and executed which in the end normally leaves me scrambling for time.
So I cannot say I do not wish to be in a relationship because I would like the companionship... I want a best friend that can be more than that but right now it just seems the right person hasn't come along. I just have to do what I do and enjoy what I can because in all honesty... you never know what is going to happen... might as well make the best of it.