I have the overwhelming feeling of the word, "Fuck"
Yup. That is pretty much the summary of how I feel. I am sure there is a more appropriate word. But with this feeling you can tell I don't really care. lol.
I hated bartending anyways. I mean... super fun job and WAY more laid back than any other job you can have... but it drains your soul. Plus... with two DUI's and a binge drinking problem I think that NOT working at the bar is a better thing for me. I even called my Ex, Chris, to talk about it. Our biggest relationship problem is I basically have relationships with bars. I always have. First it was Bottom of the Fifth before I was 21, Thompson's Corner when I turned 21, AC's pub & Grill when I worked there, then The Elmira Cabin when I worked there. He just told me that I was stubborn and that I should really look for a normal job instead of jumping on the same problem bus that I always seem to get on. He also made the point of if I get a job [or two] that are long hours I won't have time to go to the bars and I will be able to save money.
Side Note:
Chris legitimately is one of my best friends. We also talked about how it was weird that we could talk about things like me dating and him moving into a house with his girlfriend. He is that one guy that I will forever love but can never be in love with because we are awesome apart and toxic together. We rarely talk but when I need to talk to someone he is always there to be like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEGAN?!?!" And I heed his advice. Basically no one knows me like he knows me because of the 7+ years we spent together and he has no ill intentions towards me. We are how divorced couples are supposed to act... except we never got married. lol.
Speaking of dating. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't really date I just sort of jump into a non-titled relationship. Hook, Line, and Sinker. It is not only my fault though. It isn't like I go super clingy crazy status. It is just how do you talk to more than one person and not feel like a nasty little slut? LOL. I am not even talking about sleeping with people. I am really talking about talking/dating/etc... Why would I want to get to know multiple people all at the same time? I mean I have a terrible memory in the first place and I also seem to have diarrhea of the mouth so if I do happen to talk to more than one person everyone is going to know about it... including the people I am dating. I can't "talk to" more than one person. So then it falls into an exclusive category. Cause if you are only really talking to one person and not even interested in talking to anyone else... and the other person feels the same way....
Like I said before... throw up in mouth.
Man. I really over think stuff. I actually signed up for Match.com or something like that... but then immediately deleted the account. For being such an extrovert I am really not into meeting new people... I have a hard enough time balancing out the friends I have now.
I do know however how I want to be treated. I want to have a best friend who I can stand to be around who genuinely cares about me and my interests and wants me to be happy... even if it means kissing me on the forehead when I am sad panda. lol. For being such a dominant female... I am really just a puppy. I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Plus I heard somewhere that it actually boosts endorphin's... lose job and I just want to cuddle. Weird.
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[How does it literally kill?]
Jacob was more of a friend who I just happened to help and sleep with for 6 months. You know... it's casual. We had a few really cute boyfriend/girlfriend moments but I knew it was not a forever thing... it was just a give and take to balance out life. I will say one thing in his defense... once he gets a few years on him and if he doesn't get all fucking tainted by life... he will make some woman an excellent husband.
My mom wants me to move to Oregon with her. Free place to stay until I find a job and then I could just help with bills and such. I've always talked about moving up there... even before she lived there. I love it there... it is a whole different way of life. However, leaving would be insanely difficult. I've lived in this area for SOOOOOOO long now. There are certain friends that I have a hard time imagining leaving behind. I would have to start over. I would have to make new friends. I would have to deal with all the same shit I have already been through to find friends that I have now and a lot of my friends are SO unique... it would be impossible to replace them. I know only like one person who would make the trip to come see me. But I would live close to all sorts of awesome outdoors stuff, be closer with my family, and have new opportunities. Some people say go and some people say stay. At least I could date people who don't know each other. lol.
Leaving an area that one has lived in for quite some time is one of the best things a person can do.. especially when that person happens to be a codependant. You're going to miss your friends.. That's inevitable. They're going to miss you, too.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best things I have ever done was moving away from my small town. I didn't know one person where I went. And you know what? It was great. I was able to focus on myself for probably the first time in my life. I was able to make me happy, less stressed and more goal oriented. I was able to be happy without depending on someone elses happiness to make it possible. It took a while.. it wasn't instantaneous. I drank a lot... I would venture to say I was probably drunk for the first month or two. Straight. And I realized I'm not really a happy type of person. BUT! I didn't know that about myself. Kind of always chased this image I had in my head of being happy and never really got it. It wasn't until I was by myself that I realized... I don't have to be happy and it's okay that I'm not. I don't have to make everyone happy even though it's what I want to do the most.
Anyway ... even if it doesn't mean much, I hope you consider moving. You can always come back. Your friends sound amazing, and I'm sure that if they knew that you being away from everyone would probably include a mental break down yet the revelation of many things in your life, they'd be happy. Change (even though you said FUCK CHANGE!) is at the end of your comfort zone. Best wishes.
I love you Megan! It's crazy to read about you and Chris, makes me think of me and Eli... I have two thoughts to share :)
ReplyDeleteUnemployed- Although the feeling of finding out you don't have a paycheck any more is terrifying I think it gives you the chance to do something awesome. You had talked earlier about going back to school and getting a "real" job. Well, now you are back in school and you have a new opportunity. Which leads to...
Moving- I remember you talking about moving to Oregon when I still lived down in Cali. I remember your posts from your visits and it really seemed like you had a feeling of peace when you were up there. You mention being worried about leaving your amazing friends. And honestly you guys are the BEST, most interesting, caring, creative, and awesome people I have ever met in my life spanning 3 states! But I do think getting away for at least a couple months might be a positive experience. When I moved to Cali I seriously felt like I was taking a running jump off the edge of a cliff with no clue what was at the bottom and it was the best thing I could have ever done.
Pretty sure I'm not as good at babbling as you are lol. But just take some time to think about all your options and listen to what your gut tells you. Intuition is very powerful and even though it may lead you to something scary, a great adventure may be on the horizon. You are such an amazing person and I know the universe has great things in store for you :)
Getting out of Fairfield, Solano County AND California!?!? Triple score! We would miss you dearly but I root for anyone trying to get out of here!! XOXO
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