They Say I'm A Blogger But I Am Not The Only One.

My mood has definitely evolved in the past week. 

I lost control last Friday which is:

1. Extremely embarrassing
2. Extremely Stupid and
3. Caused Extreme aftermath anxiety. 

 My losing control of emotions is probably different than your losing control of emotions. I definitely thought I had things under control but without the nicotine patch on... minor details added up into a big problem... then I exploded.

Think of it as a bomb sitting on the side of a cliff. One thing... such as the wind can knock it off and within moments the bomb hits the bottom and explodes into a fiery chaos consuming anything and everything in it's path. 

The sad thing is... while trying to control myself it makes me feel even more out of control! Battling people is one thing... battling yourself is totally different. 

I know where my mistakes were. I know what I should have done differently. (involving alcohol... was probably the worst idea... especially because I knew I was unhappy) and most importantly not dealing with things as they come up.

It was ridiculous... I have even been told NOT TO PUT ROCKS IN THE BAG because when the "bag" is full I swing back and hit whoever is closest. I hulk out.


Bad Megan.


Anyways. I guess my constant Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy attitude backfires. I just cannot handle certain stressors in a positive way. I loathe confrontation. I am an all in or all out type. I think it plays back to my control issues. If I say how I feel and the response is confrontational I will either back out completely or immediately respond with defensiveness. So I usually choose the prior to evade heated arguments (i.e. The Toilet Seat battle, which has thankfully been controlled since their is another female involved)


So if I just don't say anything I cannot get mad because the other person is ignorant to the way I feel I just get to simmer. There is no disrespect and no arguments. HOWEVER. Once the topic is brought up. THEN there is a possible fan to the fire.  


An embarrassing example:


I received knives for my birthday. They are not $100 knives, but they are nice knives and they cut WAY better than the knives we were using. So I ask the household, "Don't leave the knives in the sink or dirty... I don't want them to get ruined." 

Honestly I hate dirty dishes but I don't really mention it because I would rather avoid an argument or hostility and being ignored anyways. More to the point. Dishes washed or not, I just wanted my knives OUT OF THE SINK. Period. Even if everything else was left behind in a disgusting pile, I 100% did not want my knives to get ruined. 


So mentioning this. It is now something I must enforce. It has become a respect issue. No one else see's it as a respect thing. I am sure no one intentionally goes "Muhahahahaha, I am going to leave the knives in the sink to make Megan feel disrespected." It is just lazy/forgetfulness. That is all. Nothing more nothing less. Simple.


Yet, when I SEE the knives in the sink or outside or on the counter it is like a slap to the face. 

Poor unsuspecting Chris had cooked with Marvin... did this huge BBQ wonderful food and during clean up forgot a knife outside. It was not intentional, it was merely an overlooked item. YET. I freaked out and not only did I look like an asshole because of bad timing but I also was extremely rude to Chris. Which then in turn made me feel terrible. So then I was ashamed, disappointed, sad, disrespected, angry, emotional etc... all because I had asked for the knives to be put away. If I had NEVER mentioned those knives I would not have had to deal with remorse or anything else. I could have just carried on cleaning the knives as I found them left out or submerged in water over-night and I could have just felt irritation instead of a load of unhappiness from all different directions.


Freaking CRAZY right?! I mean. Who does that?! Anyways. Chris and I finally discussed it. I apologized for being a jerk and he apologized for not realizing the intensity of the knife situation and for forgetting it outside. He also said that if it was THAT big of a problem... that I should put the knives away  until a later time in life.


The knives cannot be put away now though. If I put them away it's like accepting defeat. The knives now carry a stigma. The knives represent the respect I demand. I don't ask for much (or at least I don't think I do.)


SO. There was a lot more than the knife situation going on,  besides the obvious like piling on things too high to where it is difficult to handle but that's all I am going to share.


Next topic

I am contemplating joining "WARRIOR DASH" I know I am not in good enough shape for it now but it isn't until October 29th-30th. So I need to definitely start running. I need to get AT LEAST to the point where I can jog 3.5miles without falling over dead.


Also, I now have a determination to be crafty. I need to set up things to make... and do something at least once a month. I really enjoy learning new things... I just need the motivation to do it. So my motivation is to be happy. 

I think I want to learn more about Day Of The Dead. I know it is this huge played out main-stream abused thing. But once I found these skull cake-toppers I was intrigued.

The Day of the Dead celebrations in Mexico can be traced back to the indigenous cultures. Rituals celebrating the deaths of ancestors have been observed by these civilizations perhaps for as long as 2,500–3,000 years. In the pre-Hispanic era, it was common to keep skulls as trophies and display them during the rituals to symbolize death and rebirth.

In most regions of Mexico, November 1 honors children and infants, whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2. This is indicated by generally referring to November 1 mainly as Día de los Inocentes ("Day of the Innocents") but also as Día de los Angelitos ("Day of the Little Angels") and November 2 as Día de los Muertos or Día de los Difuntos ("Day of the Dead").

I may not be Mexican but I think celebrating the life of those lost is a genuine concept. "Remember not my fight for breath. Remember not the strife. Please do not dwell upon my death, But celebrate my life."

So the topic of art became the topic of death. Interesting. 

Back to Art. As I was saying I would like to be more involved with Art. I like crafty things, I always have... I used to admire my mom for her crafting abilities. Recently I made Miss Natalie Victorio a do-it-herself Journal. I just made the concept and she get's to make it her own. I enjoyed making it so much that I may make myself one. Maybe I could publish a gift book idea... where it is a fill in the blank fill in the blank. 

Maybe I will make myself one. I enjoy drawing but can never just sit down and draw or write. I have to have a guideline. (weird). I should find the other fill in books I own and compile them into a GIANT DO IT YOURSELF BOOK. 

Well I am done writing for now.