A Lighthouse In This Hellish Storm

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart has 52 page views. It has been one hell of a week.

Last Monday it was decided that Chris and I were going to give up on attempting relationship counseling to save the seven some odd years we have invested into each other. At first I was fine and then I was sad and then I was angry and now I feel anxious but more in control. There is no need to feel badly it is just hard to imagine him with someone else, I couldn't imagine losing my best friend... my confidant... the person I could rely on to help me through hard times. My heart ached knowing I was going to lose out on the memories like his nieces baptism and being with his family. The fact we could not make memories together any longer, hurt.

Seriously. I felt like shit... I had lost a friend to death and I had lost someone I was madly in love with in the same week. What a blow to self-esteem. Yet, I had an epiphany. I was sitting on my floor in my disaster of a room and it hit me like a bag of rocks in the face. This is my moment to take control. Chris and I will always love each other and as much as I enjoy being in his presence I have a theory.

Don't worry I am not beating myself up over it, nor am I saying he is the bad guy. But I am relieving myself of the need to try to fix us. If he wouldn't have left I would have forever tried. Constantly struggling to find a balance I would never achieve and he would always feel as if I didn't care about him.

I definitely wish things were different. I wish we could have caught the problems in the beginning. If we were to have gone to counseling I think this would have been discovered and we may have been able to figure something out. I know I am slightly still in denial... and I catch myself thinking about him a lot... wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. I mean I have no idea how he feels.

This is the first time after ANY breakup that I have not found myself attached to some other guy and although I was advised by many, I do not feel like "enjoying my single days" If I am asked on a date I may say yes if I am interested... but I am not on the prowl. I don't need that attention. I am confident in who I am and I know I have things to accomplish. Plus, the whole sexual aspect makes life SO COMPLICATED. I am not ready for complications. All I need right now is to focus on myself and surround myself with friends.

Right now many of my friends are hurting, they are feeling the way I was feeling. They have the weight from Devon on their shoulders. I may not be the strongest person but when it comes to the people I love and care about I put my battle face on equipped with the support they may need at any given time. People who need that companionship or shoulder to cry on have me... because I am strong enough to carry that burden. I am not however, strong enough to carry the weight of relationship problems at this moment... Normally I can bare it but relationship drama at this moment is like a slap in the face.

I sorta got off track with creating the cycle picture [I still love Micrcosoft Paint] back to the epiphany. I am a busy person I fill my time with the most random things. I am here I am there I am pretty much everywhere. Too much downtime is a waste of time and I have become side tracked. Devon and Chris are gone, does this mean I should lie around in bed crying all day... No, it means that this is the push I need to get things I need to handle HANDLED. I am getting pretty good grades this semester and after this I have one more semester left until I get my associates in liberal arts with the emphasis on social sciences. Right now I am living rent free, which means I need to cancel out ALL my debt. Once I am debt free I will be able to save. When I am able to save I can move forth. Also, I am attempting the feat of leaving some 11 or so years of smoking behind me, I want to live a long life and be able to have that money for things like [hopefully] Europe and Germany next year once I get my AA.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

My cousin posted that today. It fits well with how I have been feeling. Although I am not completely sane at the moment I am determined to make myself the best person I can possibly be. Feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past changes nothing. It's like I keep telling myself, I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. 

The positive things I do today will help me have a better tomorrow.

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart

I wish I were in London. I wish I could be at some pub listening to the hustle and bustle of people. Drinking a pint of some beer I don't really like [because I like Bud light] but I would drink the English stuff just because. I wish I could hear the accents and listen to a group of friends laughing and another man complaining about how his wench of a wife is driving him crazy. I want to sit alone at my table, closing my eyes and hearing everything but thinking nothing. I want to see cobble streets and legitimate bakeries. Keep your cupcakes, I'd like a loaf of bread. I could go to a cafe and be bundled up and sit by a fireplace drinking a latte. I want to be where I can find peace of mind. I am not looking for a party and no one is looking to party with me. I am just a face on the street, a glance but nothing more. I wish I could be in London so I could go to the Florence and The Machine concert. People would be excited but I would just be able to feel her emotion....

Once you have that outright exhausting cry, where you can't breathe, your entire face is wet with tears, you have snot running like it's being chased by the police, and your whole soul feels empty... you can have that moment of nothing. The moment where you can no longer be sad but you can't truly feel happy. It's like you, as a person, are void from existence. The saying, The lights are on but, no ones home comes to mind. I am just sort of numb. I don't want to just lie in bed, I feel like walking. Walking to no where and bringing my camera. My $800 something dollar camera that my dad thinks I should return because I am in debt. I considered it, thinking with my rational brain rather than my emotional. However, I don't think I am going to. You only live once and although I don't condone throwing away money, what I do with my camera makes me happier than anything else I have ever done. I capture souls of people. You may change over time and things may happen but once I have you in that form you are mine forever and you have no where you can go. You don't age, you don't disappoint, and you certainly don't die. 

There have been thoughts in my head about losing friends... but I never really had to experience it. People die all the time and I feel very sorry for the people who lose them but no one at that extreme closeness level has died. My grandpa passed away and I was sad for my family, my Granny passed away and I was sad for my dad, My friends parents died and it killed me but not for me but for my friends and their future, My uncle passed away and again I was sad but mostly for my dad. It's like when people die, of course I am sad, of course my heart hurts, and of course I wish it didn't happen. But when I look at it... MY people didn't die. The people that I have made my own. The friends that have been with me through thick and thin. The people who are involved in my daily life. They don't die. They stay with me so we can stay friends forever. So no matter how much time has passed we are still friends and can pick up where we left off. Well except for Devon. Devon died. He felt that moment of anguish where death would prove a point and end his struggle. Devon took his own life, without realizing how badly he would hurt the ones around him. How his friend would call every coroner to prove it wrong. How she would drive home and fall into her little sisters arms in the middle of her court and cry. Then make her way into her room and lay on her bed-less floor trying not to hyperventilate. How she would drive to a friends house and see many other friends who she NEVER wanted to cry be embraced in her arms as they wept. Seeing men not know how to feel sadness so anger and avoidance sets in. Devon did not think of these things. I know the pain will subside and everyone will remember him but move on with their lives. We cannot feel sorrow or guilt forever. We will never know the exact reason. We will never know what he was thinking... and we will have to move forward. It's just heartbreaking knowing he won't be around. 

Thoughts In An Untamed Mind

It's been awhile. 

I've been thinking I want a party. Not a crazy rager type party where there is beer pong and chaos and people passed out on the floor. But a quaint, humble, theme party. Where people come a little early and leave by midnight. I want to make fancy drinks and have finger foods and soft music playing in the background but just be able to chat with people. Oh how I love simplicity. 

Anywho, this weekend is the B.Y.O.P. Party. [bring your own pumpkin] I have NO IDEA how many kids are coming. The set up is we are meeting at a park. Parents are supposed to bring their kids, pumpkins, and a dish to share. 

• I am going to take Fall pictures of their kids. 
• The kids will make Fall Hand Trees
• They will decorate their pumpkins
• They will play at the park

I have tables and need to stop by party city to buy plates, napkins, and all that jazz. A lot of effort is going into this because my sister always talks about having a fall party. I tried to help and then accidentally took over... which definitely was not the plan. I just wanted to make sure she had her party this year and I thought it would be fun if my friends with kids could come along too since many of the things I do are not kid friendly.  I am worried because although the weather should be nice, this is an outside event and things can go terribly wrong. But we shall see. No need to stress it is about having a good time.

I am going to start working on my "Famous Photographer Imitation" project. I was given the photographer Jeanloup Sieff. I have to have 10 photo's mimicing his style. 

 

Just a few examples of what I am going to try to mimic. Lots of black and whites. Thankfully I have friends willing to help. As of this moment I think I have six different people which is pretty awesome. 

I attempted a "Baby Bump" Shoot with my friend Noemi. Although some pictures turned out pretty awesome, we are going to have a round two. Pregnant women are definitely trickier to shoot because you have to get the right angle and don't want them to be uncomfortable. I was hoping to upload photo's but Blogger is not being my friend right now.

Why Of Course I'm Flashy

I LOVE Photography 35

I have sooooooooooooooo much work to do though.

• 10 Guidelines of Composition
• Two examples of strong focal points
• Two examples of rule of thirds
• Two examples of worms eye view
• Two examples of  birds eye view
• [You have probably stopped reading by now] 
• Two examples of sense of scale
• Two examples of  diagonals
• Two examples of leading lines
• Two examples of  simplicity
• Two examples of truncation
• Two examples of  S-Curve
• Two examples of C-Curve
• Two examples of  selective focus
• Two examples of frame within a frame
• Two examples of  repetition

• Mystery Object
• The class was given an envelope with a "Mystery Object" 
• The object must illustrate what that object symbolizes to us personally
• The object must be in at least ONE photo of the Ten.
• My object is a guitar pick
• Paint someones face like a KISS member then use the guitar pick as an eye patch and have the person biting a drum stick
• Have someone sitting at a piano
• Have someone use my Acoustic guitar dressed country next to a person with my dad's electric guitar in a stare down
• Have Joey and Ezra DJ'ing
• Have two people in a rap battle
• Have people "Raving" with glow sticks
• I need to find someone with a Saxophone
• Karaoke Bar
• Have a little ballerina
• AND have someone listening to earphones 

• My Final Project [Which is not due until December] is 20 pictures that evoke emotions
• Here is my proposal that was accepted:

I would like my final project to be titled the “Evolution of the tiny Princesses.” The main objective of this project is to portray how society attempts to influence how little girls are supposed to turn out and how reality is very much different. The concept will be about how female children are born into the state of every little girl is a princess. As parents continue to feed their little girl’s ego and minds full of fairytales and pretty things, little girls then grow up and realize life has no story book ending.

Using both people I know and a few of naturally occurring events I would like to base my project on women from infancy into their mid-twenties. I have friends with children ranging from newborns to girls around the age of ten. Many of the girls have an assortment of toys, movies, and outfits that depict how society and their parents see them. Many adult women have agreed to let me use them as models for the “grown-up” portion of the project. I have a few events coming up ranging from the bar scene in San Francisco to Motorcycle Rally’s and Fire poi events. The adult photos will show how many women of my generation have molded into different aspects of society and some of them not so pretty and some more independent and beautiful.

The idea of the project is to show the many different sides to the once pink and frilly childhood of women that are now their own people with their own ideas, thoughts, and interests. The evolution of young women in a series of photographs that I believe many people will be able to relate to. Although each photo will be unique the theme will be the same.

It's Much More Complicated Than YOU Think

Looking at Stat's of my blog. Since my first on 4/21/11 I have had 607 reads on my 31 different posts [impressive considering] My most popular blog was "Rest Easy, No one is going to die" with a total of 47 reads. My average hits on each post is about 14 reads. <3 I must say. Thank you to those of you who read this babble.

So much has been on my mind lately. 

I was driving to work this morning thinking about the human brain. [Weird thing to think about at 8o'clock in the morning but whatever.] How do human's have such complex thoughts? Although most take it as an insult I think I am fairly simple minded. I do not like to think about extraterrestrial beings, I do not like to think about the earths core, I do not like to think about how we figured out there is something that moves faster than light that was recently discovered. I guess people are supposed to be curious creatures and as "dumb blonde" as this may sound... the thought of those things make my brain hurt. People go to school and learn which makes sense but it's all the details that screw me up. Like there are things SO small we cannot see them unless we use an extremely powerful microscope and these things make up everything. Writing about this subject I am sure many of you are shaking your heads at me but everything is so much more complex.

When you are a kid a rock is a rock, your thoughts are just thoughts, the stars are pretty and small little lights, you eat food because you are hungry, and you use your imagination to keep yourself entertained. I mean you have religion which is a whole other entity of confusion... kids just believe what their parents believe. [I just remember my nephew Brandon coming up to me when he was younger, "Aunt Megan, are you going to hell? I don't want you to go to hell." I told him I was because my sister is a turd and told him I don't believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins. I guess not the nicest thing to tell a 6 or 7 year-old but he knew I did not believe in the Christian religion and those who do not believe in Jesus go to hell... right? right? I could have lied and said that I will because I do... but I don't and I don't think lying to him would have been beneficial. However, I did go along with the going to hell part... why? Because. If I were to say "No I am not going to hell because it doesn't exist." How confused would he be?]

Everything is always just so complicated... that brings me to the next complicated issue of...

Relationships [Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuun]

As if you thought chemical compounds were complicated... relationships give it a run for it's money.

I talk about relationships a lot because I am struggling with thoughts about it daily. When do you know it is worth the fight and when should you jump ship? When do you put in full trust and when do you question what is going on? Why do relationships always remind me of a teeter-totter? How can you love someone so much and yet you still hurt them? Why does the flame start to flicker and occasionally go out? Why can't sex be exciting all the time? Why does the libido drop after things get stale? Why must people attempt to interfere? Why is the "other person" to blame when someone cheats instead of the person who cheated [Why yes I am mad at you but I am going to beat that bitch up!!!]? Why do people cheat on each other after being married for the majority of their lives? How do you know that you are ready to get married? When do you know you are ready to have children? Why do people hit their spouses? How do we as people not realize the power shift? How do people get trapped in a relationship where they are unhappy? When did we lose our sense of community? How will my life turn out?

The questions go on for days. Although my questions do not always relate to me some of them do. Most of the time however I look at other people and their experiences and panic that somehow things will turn out like that... just as other people have probably done with me.

Less complicated scenario:

The couple works to make money and works together to be happy. Although they argue it never get's out of hand or turns violent, they are able to communicate openly and honestly. They do things together because they enjoy each others company. They have inside jokes and their favorite songs. They keep the romance alive without money involved. They spend time away from each other and have time with friends away from the children. They have family and friends to help with the children. When they are away they can enjoy themselves. They may look at other people with interest but never to pursue. They have plans and goals and work together to achieve them. They may not be interested in each others personal hobbies like sports or knitting but they appreciate their loves interest in the subject and support them. When things go bad in life they are their for each other to support and help each other through. When they think about happiness they think about being with that person. [I guess a little cliche]

Real life:

Too many variations to things that go wrong.

[You like how the less complicated scenario has a higher word count... I crack myself up.]

Basically. No one wants to be a sucker. So we all put up guards and defense systems only to ruin something that could be good... or we are SO gullible we just don't believe anything could be wrong while everyone watches us with pity but never says anything because all the words would go unheard.

I wish I could say this was from a guy... nope, my little sister made me lunch. LOL

This weekend I went to the Folsom street fair in San Francisco and took pictures. [I won't share them here...] Basically it is a bondage festival. I am not into that sort of thing but it's always cool to see how other people are. So me and my two friends are making our way through the heavily packed half naked crowd trying to get to our destination and it just made me think about what I want. The lifestyle of partying, drugs, and alcohol is so not interesting to me. Honestly I just want to go to a party that has wine in glasses not red plastic cups. The scene of insanity is interesting but not appealing to me personally. I want a family oriented kind of life.

Women, Men, and Other Random Stuff

When did women become psycho materialistic money grubbing machines in the United States? [Is this not one of the best opening lines you have ever read...]

Ah ha! I will tell you when. At the start of the 19th century! Basically this whole ideology of "TRUE WOMANHOOD" came about. What is true womanhood you ask? [If you are not asking. Scroll down to read something else]

Where women are not only domestic and submissive but pious and pure. Let me break this down for you real quick. This is the time frame where having beautiful homes with beautiful furniture and vases and throw pillows and all the extra Martha Stewart home decorating started to come into play. Of course you still had lower class families but they aspired to be a "True Woman." So this is the time that women started competing to have better materialistic things [I mean having a few cows was pretty awesome but... lost it's coolness in this time period] Being submissive led to the whole manipulation ideal. You can't yell and scream at your husband... but you can subtly change his mind without him knowing it. [The man is the head but the woman is the neck which controls the direction] The word pious was unfamiliar to me... so it may be unfamiliar to you here is the definition. PIOUS. Basically stating that women should devote themselves to the church... those who don't are not a true woman so women started being fanatics spreading the word of god every which way condemning those who did not.

AND THEN comes the best part. A true woman must be pure. When the word pure is mentioned it is meaning women are basically ASEXUAL [Free from or unaffected by sexuality] Women wore corsets to constrict their movement making them less sexual [Oh how times have changed] Basically all women were meant to be uninterested in sex. Women did not think sexual thoughts and DEFINITELY did not enjoy it.

Let us please bow our heads in silence...

My photography class ties into my women's history class too. The 19th century is when they came out with the affordable camera. So then came pictures, floods of photos.

So then came advertising and the whole mind manipulation thing came into play.

So class that is your education part of this for today. lol

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Photography class has SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS. It is the best homework I have ever been assigned though... that's a definite.

Anyways. I have some serious shooting to do outside of class too.

1. Mother & Son shoot in Oakland
2. 2 Baby Bump shoots
3. 80th Birthday Event 
4. Baby Shower Event
5. Tattoo Shoot
6. B.Y.O.P. kid shoot/Event

The more I do it the better I will get. Plus the class has some really awesome techniques and camera usage that will really help me.

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So this is where my blog erased all the things I wrote. >_<

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A few days ago my friend posted on Facebook something that really made sense in a sick way....

"Relationships are the new Single"

So if you think about it. Our generation [Mine, yours, and future generations] have to deal with not only trying to keep our relationships in tact even more now but you have to deal with other people trying to take what is yours. [Using possessive not in a bad way... but in a relationship way... you give yourselves to each other... just to make that clear]

Another one of my friends pointed out [which I wrote about in a different blog]

"I can pull girls who have their boyfriends with them. They flirt undercover and if I don't take them home that night... I can the next."

I know you are now thinking, "What kind of friends are you hanging out with Megan?!" The answer to that is blunt ones. The sad thing is it is the truth, I have seen it with my own eyes on multiple occasions with different people of different groups. People may not say those things but Actions Speak Louder Than Words. You will always have someone trying to dip their hand in your cookie jar. It could be because they think they would be a better match for the person in the relationship, that they are jealous, that they are insecure with themselves, they want a good time, the excitement of trying, or just because they can. The list of reasons goes on forever. 

I read a study awhile ago about how men and women were not programed to stay in the same relationship forever. It was actually that a relationship between a man and a woman should be in a relationship for about 4 years. Just enough time to conceive a baby and have it grow into a toddler. I disagree with this solely for the fact that people can live together their whole lives and make it work AND be happy.

Before assimilation and the ruining of their culture. Native American groups [Not all] had a way of relationships that Man and Woman were together and had a family within their community. When one or both were unhappy they could actually leave that union... no harm, no foul, no drama. It was not like a divorce where property was divided and custody battles rang out... things basically remained the same except they no longer slept together. It is a really complex topic and does not apply to all. There is a lot more to it but I just wanted you to catch my drift.

Have you ever REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAALLLY thought about marriage? Did you know the Roman's created the use of the rings for binding two people together? And did you know the reason for the ring being placed on your "ring finger" is because they say the strongest vein to your heart was located in your ring finger. Ta-da. The diamond was not expected until later [Which was brought in by the church] But I mean all these expectations and ideals and traditions.... just sort of were put into place.... mostly in part because of the church.

Sorry. I am basically swimming in a sea of thoughts right now. So many different things to talk about while trying to re-create the blog that I had already written.

Even with all this negative Nancy talk... I still enjoy the concept of marriage. Spending your life with one person... knowing them... being able to depend on each other... being with your best friend for the rest of your life. That is what marriage should be. Two people together trudging through the muddy waters together and holding hands.

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 Finding my blog was eaten by the internet monster makes me sad. I think I am done writing for now.

When I Shoot I Steal Your Soul

I absolutely, 100% LOVE taking pictures. It is all I think about. I look at proper nouns [People, places, and things Lol. I know you know that just wanted to put it in brackets] in a whole new light. Every topic has a picture connected to it. I feel as though I am constantly restless. I just want to be outside or around people.

This whole photography thing is great for me. It gives me focus and purpose. I started a mini photo album of pictures I find worthy. Normally I just take a million pictures like the paparazzi but then post ALL of them. This album is more unique.

I may have a photography job here coming up in Oakland for a friend of a friend. Simple shots. Her and her son at a park made into black and white. Since it is out in Oakland and she wants large prints I think I am going to ask $70-$100. That way it covers gas, toll, and printing with a little extra cash. We shall see.

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I know you all are probably tired of reading the same thing over and over again. But I am slowly putting my craft dream together. Plus, if I mass produce maybe I can open my boutique. [Lol, I just wish I had Chris' last name... can you imagine the possibilities. "Good Day Boutique" "Day in the Life Boutique" and I would get the business name for cheap because "Good Jefferies Boutique" is not as catchy. LOL] I am going to need designs to use in the resin. I may start utilizing my friends craftiness and work something out to give them a percentage of sales. Hm.

October will be a new month I will be able to start new projects with the money I get from the paycheck. Hopefully one day I will be my own boss. ♥

Speaking of crafty. There is an Erotic Art Show in SF this weekend with FREE admission. Should be a pretty good time. 

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There are so many things I want to do. I know patience is a virtue but I WANT IT NOW.  I am so motivated. This fall season there are a few things I want to do. 

Brianne and I have already set up the fall party. BYOP theme. [Bring Your Own Pumpkin] Lots of crafts and food for parents, relatives, and kiddos. It will be fun. Definitely going to make a dent in my pocket but with everyone bringing something I know it will be well worth it.

Two very important things to complete this month. The Dixon corn maze. Every year I say I want to go back. AND EVERY YEAR I NEVER GO. This year the maze is on 45 acres and once again has made the Guinness book of world records. If it means I have to go alone and get lost in a maze. I WILL DO IT. It only cost's $10. It would be nice to get a large group of people to go... 21 have already RSVP'd but I doubt all of them will attend. Also I want to go to Apple Hill. Everyone always says how amazing it is... and I have never been which makes me sad.

So I am determined to make this Fall and exciting and memorable one. 

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This past weekend was a memorable one. Friday after work Julia taught me how to use a sewing machine, which seems fairly simple... now I have another investment to make. I had SLOW FALL come to my house and sell feather earrings and other jewelry on Saturday. Partied in SF that night. Sunday I had two birthday parties to attend so there was a lot of involvement with little kids which actually turned out quite well. 

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I am overwhelmed in homework and in reading. SO MANY PROJECTS. I really wish I had some magical way to either slow time or add more time. 

This is how I feel. LOL

I cannot stop myself from making plans and doing things. I think it is because things to do come up one at a time. "Hey Megan, wanna do something this weekend" And I think to myself. Yeah! Why not. I have time...

This is not the case. I do not have time. I should not be going anywhere or doing anything. I should be at home reading until my eyes bleed. [Side note: I was going to put in a picture of eyes bleeding. Be thankful I didn't.]

Not sure if I mentioned this already or not But I quit Barnes and Noble. I really hate that I had to do it but I was in a corner of time and energy and the job lost in the epic battle of sanity.

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I really need new information to talk about. Feel free to make suggestions. I will write about almost anything. Really it is all just random babble anyways.