Mourning & The Process Of Change

I think I have come to realize why the mourning process takes its toll differently on different people. I miss Michelle the most when I am on Facebook and bored. Since we all know that I am on Facebook EVERYDAY religiously... it was our thing. We would have Facebook chats about everything and anything. What we were doing, what we were going to do, etc... So when I get online and see her profile still there... my heart sinks. It's not liked we talked about important things... we just talked and I would sit here in my room laughing hell of loud with no one around. I believe that if I worked at the Cabin [or even still frequented there] around the time of her death the loss would hit me more because I would still have been seeing her almost daily. The lake is another thing that makes my heart sink... she was my lake buddy all last summer.

I see a lot of her close friends [not discounting my self or others... but we all know who was closer] and her boyfriend having a harder time. I believe the reason for this is that instead of just thinking to talk to her while on Facebook or randomly... these people thought to call her, kidnap her, visit her, go out with her... on an almost daily basis. So it seems that they would have a harder time because they now have to fill that time that they would be involved with her with other things, other thoughts, other people. It's never the same and they are constantly reminded of the time that could be spent together lost.

In an analytical way... Losing Michelle is like how I felt when I quit smoking cigarettes. When I was in the process I would be like "Okay Megan, Find something else to do... What am I going to do... Well I will have a cigarette while I think of something to do to help me quit smoking." WAIT WHAT? Seriously it was a constant thing occurring in my head. To fill the time that I wasn't going to smoke I wanted to smoke knowing that I couldn't. [Weird I know] SO in that sense... You have friends who are attempting to heal... but they are doing things that Michelle would be involved in or dealing with life things that she would be there for and although they know they still are reminded that she is not there and she isn't going to be but still have the urge to call, text, or invite her places.

Seeing my friends hurt makes my heart hurt. Everyone is coping the best way they can. I see posts, I hear about friends going to the gravesite, I know that people are still crying themselves to sleep at night... So you have all these wonderful friends and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to help them. You just have to stand by and watch as their hearts start to heal then breaks again when they think of her. Seriously, how fucked up is that.

I am still not sure if I am still in the denial stage or I just really became this psycho motivated "I am Megan, I love myself, hear me roar" person. I hope the hurt never comes. I mean the first week was terrible and maybe because of my agnostic ways of living are involved I hurt more for those around me. Don't get me wrong... I love Michelle and I always will. She is in my heart forever as the most fun-loving, excitable, crazy when drinking redbull, sweet, loving friend... but in her passing I have 180°  I mean I was jobless, boyfriendless, dealing with all this shitty stuff in life [DUI's suck...Having 2 of them really really sucks]... and then... like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds I realized that I was being stupid. Why waste my life? Why feel bad about the things I cannot change? Why let myself fall into a path of negativity? Why would I let myself go? It hit me like a softball in the face... out of the blue and hard. The saying "You Only Live Once" is more of a "You Only Die Once, You Live Everyday" 

Michelle's death although tragic, unexpected, and fucking awful... has given me this motivation to not only live for myself but to live for others. It's not like everyday is going to be a good day and it's not like I am going to completely change who I am.... but I know I need to be better as a person and better for those around me.

[This started out as a Facebook post. lol]

The Sun Ain't Got Nothin' On You Honey

I have been thinking about writing a blog since this whole thing happened. There are so many thoughts and feelings.

Because we all are going through it... I figured I would post the 5 Stages Of Loss. No one goes through these the same... but we will all go through them at some point in the healing process.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

There are no words that can express the feelings of loss. It is like a hole is drilled into your heart and never heals, just fills with mindless things to cover the pain. Michelle's death was no one's fault. She was stubborn... so stubborn as she laid unable to move on the floor barely able to breath she told me she was fine. She never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted any help. The fact people are placing blame on others makes my heart hurt. I understand it is a coping mechanism... but if you are placing blame you never even knew Michelle. She would never want anyone to feel bad about this... she would never want hurtful words to be thrown around. That was never who she was, so by people using words to hurt others is absolutely mind blowing. I guess that is just life though.

I have mixed feelings about being the one who found her. I know Chris would have been there if he had his own truck... but it was probably better that I was down the street and beat everyone else he called there. I can still picture it in my head. I still remember the feeling of panic welling up in my chest. I am glad I can handle those situations with grace. All I wanted to do is yell and cry and vomit and everything all at once... instead I talked in my teacher voice... calm and reassuring.

What's up honey?
Everything is going to be fine.
I am calling the ambulance.
What is this address?
I'll be right back.
Found the address!
They will be here soon.

I am going to move your arm, it has to be numb.
Can you feel this hand?
That's good.
What about this hand?
Okay. Great.

The good thing is, you will probably get amazing drugs.
Morphine!!!
I am going to crate the dogs so they don't scare the paramedics.
Don't worry about anything.
This is just a bump in the road that we will talk about years from now.
I will grab your clothes so you have something to change into.
I can't find your phone charger.
The last thing we want to do is panic.
I will meet you at the hospital.
Everything is going to be fine.
I will see you soon.

I will never get that image of her out of my head. I asked my friend who is a firefighter how he lives with the images. He just apologized and told me his way is not the way it is supposed to be. I honestly was afraid to sleep the first few nights. I was afraid the event would replay over and over again. I totally respect paramedics, firefighters, military, nurses, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has to see things. It doesn't go away... you just store it in a different part of your brain and hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. So far so good.

She was put in the ambulance and that is the last time she was conscious. Those are the last things she heard. Me telling her everything was going to be fine. Obviously nothing is fine. We lost one of our own to something so unexpected and honestly... quite stupid. I mean I figured one of us would die of alcohol poisoning or a car accident. Sick and sad... but more plausible than fucking pneumonia. I spent a majority of the day in my calm -everything is going to be okay- state. I mean I was watching people crack around me... and I tried so hard to keep together and to keep positive. Watching her die the first time was enough. Chest compression for 30 minutes, having people crying, me crying, everything just seeming to be one big blur. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate but then had to remind myself that no good would come from me passing out.

We have had event's in her honor, people have been over at the house practically every night, we've laughed/cried/freaked out and pretty much everything in between. Depending on who you are depends on how you have seen me. Now I am alone and it's calming. It's like the burden of her death weighs heavy on my mind but I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to protect anyone, I don't have to do anything... it is just me, my cat, and my computer.

It all comes back to that same thing of me being more social on the internet. I love everyone and enjoy spending time with people close to me... but sometimes I just want to have time with my thoughts... the internet is a way for me to analyze how I feel and what I am thinking. Granted... you guys think I type a lot but in reality you only read a portion of what I write. I think, I type, I erase, then I type some more.

Everyone knows how much I love to take photos. Everyone gives me shit for the amount of photos I take. Is it strange that I felt guilty for the lack of photos I had of Michelle when going through my files? I swore I would have so many. I think I only had about 75 of my own. Now I am just thinking of what happens if someone else dies... What if I don't get enough "good" photos. I guess I will have to start doing photo shoots with everyone just to ensure I have "good" pictures. Michelle was supposed to model for me but we just never made time for it.

I really didn't get very many. We had so many times we hung out but I just never brought my camera. It was just another day of another week of another month. But now looking back all those random days made up our friendship. Like our time at Str8 Shooters... we SUCKED at beer pong so we just would try to distract the other team. Everyone thought we were sisters and we would just LAUGH... She is so petite and I am so gigantic. But we were blonde so I guess that is what mattered. And whenever she would get antsy because she drank too much I would just pick her up and walk... wouldn't really walk to anywhere in particular... maybe just a couple laps around the bar but she would calm down and wouldn't try to bite anyone. HAHA. She got me good once and I was like... WOMAN!! I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND I'LL LOOK LIKE A WHORE! I laughed so hard even though it hurt. Jacob and I lived with her and Chris the last week of June because my roommates were assholes. We spent time at the lake buddied up while all the boys were being crazy and we even went to the wine and spirits thing together in Berkeley. We discovered there is a lake in Oakland that we were planning to go back to when the weather got warmer [I am still going to go and I will bring her picture]. I realized how much information her brain could store when we went to Dillon's beach. As I was driving she was pointing out different plants telling me their scientific name. Bubbly ass Michelle was full of knowledge and could pull that shit out on a whim. She was an amazing co-worker. If I didn't take a shift she would and vice versa. She would come hang out with me on shifts and even bring me food if I was hungry. She was ALWAYS worried about me being hungry. And she was always willing to come get me if I got drunk. Anytime I was in need she would just totally be there for me. We had our girly talks while no one was around but if we were in a crowd it was always sunshine and flowers. I only seen her pissed off ONE time. She was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad cause the bar was just out of control. So. Me being the giant I just followed her, picked her up, put her in the bathroom, and gave her two choices... hit me or hug me. We hugged and talked for a second and by that time she was just so exhausted she calmed down. [She wasn't really a hitter except she did pop a few of the boys in the face...]

Her funeral was nice. It was well done... slightly awkward because of the religious propaganda slid in there... but nice none the less. I wish I could have heard Chris, Adam, Jamie, and Kaycee speak about her. The fact the Cabin was not mentioned was pretty upsetting also... especially since most of the people from the funeral were from the bar. I know an image was trying to be upheld but it just didn't capture the Michelle everyone knew. Sprint and Starbucks were side jobs to her. She hated working at sprint because of the uniform. And she quit Starbucks without even a blink of the eye because she made more money bartending and didn't have to deal with customers at 5am. Which brings me to this....

If I should die a sudden and unexpected death before getting married or having babies.... [Don't worry this is just a.... just in case thing. I will probably live until I am 90 and be pissed off about it. hahaha]

- My mom and sister are allowed to go through my things. I've hidden nothing from them about who I am and what I am about. They get the choice of what they want. However I want that moment to be shared with my close friends.... because well... they have been stuck with me also. [Just don't let the non-close people go through my dresser drawers... that would be awkward] My close friends can have pretty much anything they want of mine [The important stuff goes to Amy, Brenna, and Jayden though... like my guitar, camera, and computer] All they have to do is ask. You want my perfume... sure. You want articles of clothing... fine. You want random scarves, jewerly, hair stuff... Just ask and my mom will be way laid back about it. Brenna also get's a higher pick than friends... but you kittens just work among yourselves. Whatever you do don't be greedy and don't try to sell off my shit. HAHA. All the people in my life are awesome... so stay awesome.

- I don't care if you bury me or cremate me. It really doesn't matter. I will be dead. My body is just a vessel nothing more. If I am buried though I do not want an open casket, I do not want a lot of make-up on, and I want to be in something comfortable.. like a Sweater, jeans, and flip flops. LOL. I dunno it just makes sense. If I am cremated and people want to carry a little bit of my ashes... cool. Someone fork over the money to bottle my ashes up. I would however like a place for people to "visit" so a little tomb area would be cool with some of the ashes. Also, if there is going to be a tombstone... write something witty. I don't want a boring tombstone.

- My favorite flowers are Sunflowers.

- Also, If I am buried I want people to print out pictures of me and them or of just them with something written on the back of the picture... anything... it could be a poem, a letter, a memory.... just something. Cause my body may be gone but the memories will be what matters.

- I want EVERYONE to be able to speak at my funeral if they want. I don't care how long it takes. As long as people get the closure they need... I am good with that. So talk on friends.

- I'd like my funeral to have formal clothing [just because it will be funny to see some of you people dressed up.] Black would not be necessary .. I understand it is a pain in the ass to find funeral clothing. Just dress up and look pretty. <3 Wear whatever color you want. I am more of an earthy toned chick... but whatever you feel like wearing is just dandy.

- NO CHURCH MUSIC. Play something awesome. Sing it if you want... something that reminds me of you. Or all of you. Pick a good song though. And I think Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine should be at least one of the songs.... even if it is just background music. You guys should dance to it... bwhahaha. Cause I do... every time I hear it. Okay... maybe you won't dance.... because that would be weird... maybe just blast it in your car one time for me.

- Any money left over from funeral costs... put in my nephew's college fund. Simple. I happen to have lots of money left [very very doubtful] split the money between Jayden's college fund, Brandon's college fund, Carly's college fund, & Amanda's college fund. Do what you can with what is left.

- I want a party... a celebration of life party. I want you people to remember the awesome times together. I want you to be like... REMEMBER THE TIME THAT MEGAN.... ____________ !!!hahahahahaha make it fun. Enjoy the memories. Enjoy the time we spent together. DO NOT BE ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES.

All I could ask for after my passing would be for everyone to come together and celebrate life, take care of your own life, and live as awesome as you possibly could. Unless someone actually kills me... don't place blame on anyone. I am a big girl I make my own decisions.

Somewhat of a saddening thought I know and I am sure I am going to get angry phone calls from my family for posting something like this so soon after my friend passing away... but just watching everyone, seeing all this chaos and unhappiness... seriously. Don't do that. I will be SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. [if there are ghosts... I will haunt you.]

I was going to combine a couple other things I have been thinking about in this blog but it is already somewhat chaotic. I hope I don't make anyone a sad panda after reading this. I just needed to get this out and aired. I actually feel better... I am just really tired.

Blogging Because I Have The Time

So I have been thinking about typing up a blog for a minute... but everything is always so chaotic.

Current Financial/Living Status:

Let's see. Regarding me moving to Oregon. Well, I have to set up a court date with my public defender who hasn't returned my call [rude]. I basically have to beg the court to let me move. It almost seems not worth it. I mean, once the time comes where I can no longer tiptoe through the high waters and I finally begin to drown... I will just swim away. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN CALIFORNIA. 

[Plus, leaving my cat behind... it just makes the thought of moving not as appealing.] 

The only reason I have been staying afloat is my friends and family. I mean... Jamie didn't kick me out knowing I couldn't pay her rent [I am just racking up an IOU], my step-mom has helped with gas and food, and my friends help me keep my social realm active. I've never hit a low like this and asking for help has never been my forte. I am a helper... not a helpee. My pride doesn't allow me to ask for handouts... HOWEVER. I always knew if I needed support I have some of the most amazing people in my life and they definitely have proven themselves. You don't forget shit like that. Everyone who has helped me just does it... none of that... "Do you need help Megan?" Cause I say no almost every time.

I want a job that allows me to be happy. I mean I am a ninja at typing and at 10-key, I know all office equipment, I am amazing at multiple phone lines, and I have customer service skills up the wazoo. I just need to find something. I wish I knew how to use QuickBooks. I don't want to bartend again but I will if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I mean I am also even considering getting into a labor job. I just need something that pays more than minimum wage!!! And the VERY LAST thing I want to do is go back into retail. I love people... but I hate people who shop. I don't want to clean up after adults and I definitely don't want to sell crap to people who don't need it. Plus. As you all may know I am a creature of habit. So while working at a bar... I drink. While working in retail... I shop. So if I get a job digging ditches... I will bury people... wait... what?

I WANT BEN HAGGERTY'S BABIES.

My friend bought me a ticket to see Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I am beyond stoked about it. "Macklemore" just got engaged... and in my little fantasy world... it makes me sad. HAHA. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. Lol. Total groupie status. But on the reality side of things. I LOVE WHAT HE RAPS ABOUT. He talks about everything that people tend to ignore. Especially having a not so pretty past of my own I find myself relating to what he has to say. *le Sigh*

BUT you want to know what I find to be the coolest part about it? My friend Brooke who no longer even lives in the state of California bought me the ticket. It was one of those genuinely sweet gestures and made my heart super happy. For her to go out of her way to show her appreciation of our friendship was so random but so thoughtful.

"Megan, What are you doing wrong to always get cheated on?"
My buddy asked me that the other day while we were driving. Somewhat of an awkward thought. I am not really sure what I do... but out of the relationships I have had... the ratio is not looking very promising.

- I told a friend of mine how one of my exes is in a relationship where he is actually being honest to the girl, isn't cheating on her, and has really turned his relationship ways around.
- What does my friend do?
- Laugh. 
- His thought on it was... "if he cheated your entire relationship & cheated on other girls he talked to...  he will cheat again." It made my heart heavy. I don't know his current girlfriend, but she seems to be a nice girl. I mean this friend of mine has never met my ex... so it is just his thoughts on cheaters. I really do hope my ex has a normal faithful relationship and that the girl he is with does not cheat on him either. 

Which that in turn, also makes my heart heavy. Always the rule, never the exception. It is somewhat silly but you sort of thing of things like... why wasn't I good enough... or why haven't I been good enough... what does she have that I didn't?

THIS IN NO MEANS IS AN "I WANT MY EX BACK" SITUATION!!! [fuck that shit I've played that game too many times. It is almost like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeeeeeeeah. No. ]

I love that fool and I will always love him. He was and still is one of my best friends. [weird I know] But I would never go back to that. We are better as long distant friends than in a relationship.

But in almost every relationship I was some sort of sucker... I treat boyfriends as best friends. I expect them not to lie to me. Like, if you are my best friend... why would you try to hide shit. I know I have had my crazy ass moments... but I am in most cases quite sane when honesty happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted. You cannot exactly slip, fall, and put your penis into another woman without having some sort of conscious thought about it... I have gone both ways about it. I have been off my rocker out of my mind... contemplating a life in prison ready to set his house on fire [Think Miranda Lambert's - Kerosene] and I have also been completely calm and did my best at putting faith in the human good and forgiveness and continued to support him. Neither panned out for my benefit.

What can I say... I pick some winners. If you are reading this... you probably know some of them. Great guys... just not in a relationship.

My Online Life:
Everyone knows me through Facebook. They know me more than I know them. Somewhat of a weird concept if you think about it. I seriously have NO IDEA who exactly reads my posts, my blogs, listens to the music I post, laughs at the things I find funny. I mean how many of my 700+ friends know more about me than I know. Actually quite creepy. At a party last night I was greeted by... oh I don't know... 15+ people. Half of them mentioned Facebook. The other half brought up the bar. Bar + Facebook = The people I seem to know. The weird thing is... I almost like it better than way. I like being home and I like having a general audience.

I really should get out more though. If something interesting happens. I don't tell just one person... I TELL THE ENTIRE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY. [Well, certain things I don't discuss... just because that would be a little awkward. Hey let me tell you about my sex life. Bow chica bow wow]

Side note: My cat just jumped down to the ground and licked my leg. He really reminds me of a dog. I just wish I could take him on walks without being weird.

I am undecided on if I want to post this. It has been a few days of coming back to it... writing... saving... walking away... coming back... repeat.

Single & Unemployed...

I have the overwhelming feeling of the word, "Fuck"

Yup. That is pretty much the summary of how I feel. I am sure there is a more appropriate word. But with this feeling you can tell I don't really care. lol. 

I hated bartending anyways. I mean... super fun job and WAY more laid back than any other job you can have... but it drains your soul. Plus... with two DUI's and a binge drinking problem I think that NOT working at the bar is a better thing for me. I even called my Ex, Chris, to talk about it. Our biggest relationship problem is I basically have relationships with bars. I always have. First it was Bottom of the Fifth before I was 21, Thompson's Corner when I turned 21, AC's pub & Grill when I worked there, then The Elmira Cabin when I worked there. He just told me that I was stubborn and that I should really look for a normal job instead of jumping on the same problem bus that I always seem to get on. He also made the point of if I get a job [or two] that are long hours I won't have time to go to the bars and I will be able to save money.

 Side Note: 

Chris legitimately is one of my best friends. We also talked about how it was weird that we could talk about things like me dating and him moving into a house with his girlfriend. He is that one guy that I will forever love but can never be in love with because we are awesome apart and toxic together. We rarely talk but when I need to talk to someone he is always there to be like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEGAN?!?!" And I heed his advice. Basically no one knows me like he knows me because of the 7+ years we spent together and he has no ill intentions towards me. We are how divorced couples are supposed to act... except we never got married. lol. 

Speaking of dating. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't really date I just sort of jump into a non-titled relationship. Hook, Line, and Sinker. It is not only my fault though. It isn't like I go super clingy crazy status. It is just how do you talk to more than one person and not feel like a nasty little slut? LOL. I am not even talking about sleeping with people. I am really talking about talking/dating/etc... Why would I want to get to know multiple people all at the same time? I mean I have a terrible memory in the first place and I also seem to have diarrhea of the mouth so if I do happen to talk to more than one person everyone is going to know about it... including the people I am dating. I can't "talk to" more than one person. So then it falls into an exclusive category. Cause if you are only really talking to one person and not even interested in talking to anyone else... and the other person feels the same way.... 

Like I said before... throw up in mouth.

Man. I really over think stuff. I actually signed up for Match.com or something like that... but then immediately deleted the account. For being such an extrovert I am really not into meeting new people... I have a hard enough time balancing out the friends I have now. 

I do know however how I want to be treated. I want to have a best friend who I can stand to be around who genuinely cares about me and my interests and wants me to be happy... even if it means kissing me on the forehead when I am sad panda. lol. For being such a dominant female... I am really just a puppy. I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Plus I heard somewhere that it actually boosts endorphin's... lose job and I just want to cuddle. Weird. 

[How does it literally kill?]

Jacob was more of a friend who I just happened to help and sleep with for 6 months. You know... it's casual. We had a few really cute boyfriend/girlfriend moments but I knew it was not a forever thing... it was just a give and take to balance out life. I will say one thing in his defense... once he gets a few years on him and if he doesn't get all fucking tainted by life... he will make some woman an excellent husband. 

My mom wants me to move to Oregon with her. Free place to stay until I find a job and then I could just help with bills and such. I've always talked about moving up there... even before she lived there. I love it there... it is a whole different way of life. However, leaving would be insanely difficult. I've lived in this area for SOOOOOOO long now. There are certain friends that I have a hard time imagining leaving behind. I would have to start over. I would have to make new friends. I would have to deal with all the same shit I have already been through to find friends that I have now and a lot of my friends are SO unique... it would be impossible to replace them. I know only like one person who would make the trip to come see me. But I would live close to all sorts of awesome outdoors stuff, be closer with my family, and have new opportunities. Some people say go and some people say stay. At least I could date people who don't know each other. lol. 

Megan's Corner

... Cause no one puts baby in the corner.

Sometimes I wonder how people really see me. I know you are not supposed to worry about what other's think but honestly we all have some curiosity about it. No one ever really says anything negative to my face [occasionally behind my back but that is inevitable] Whenever people say anything it is all flowers and sunshine.

I try to make EVERYONE happy so then I am just sort of mediocre. I really don't invite people to hang out with me [the bar doesn't count], I really don't try to hang out with anyone else. So I have a huge group of friends... that I never really hang out with... and the irony of it... it is on my own accord. I know people because I listen and I often analyze and figure them out without them really having to tell me anything. This leads me to appreciating that person without giving them a chance to personally know me or being able to appreciate just hanging out.

Most people know me from either parties, the bar, or Facebook. So in any situation... it is either drunk or online.

I have realized that when I am emotionally hurt... I feel this STRONG urge to deal with it physically. Instead of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way like talking about them or crying it out. I end up drinking and become physically violent. Sounds like a cutter situation but it isn't. I want to punch things and/or get punched. It's a sick way of forgetting about the emotional to deal with the physical. I understand completely that this is a very unhealthy behavior... but what do you do? Nothing because it isn't your problem.

The other night I finally snapped, I drank myself into an oblivion and ended up crying hysterically. I was so emotionally exhausted I called my mom. I never was really good at involving my mom in my personal crisis situations because she always had her own to deal with. Now that my mom has her life under control it seemed she was the only person I could talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me or make me feel worse. So I sat there bawling my eyes out telling my mom everything. We both agreed I need therapy and that I am an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic in the way that I get the shakes or absolutely NEED a drink... but I have known for quite some time that I have a problem. I am what is considered a binge drinker. If I have one... it will not stop there. I will drink until I feel sick or black out. In my DUI class, the group leader always brings me up in some sort of negative way because I think I am one of the few who is actually honest.

• I am a bartender - Bartenders are 80% more likely to be an alcoholic. 
• I have not one but TWO DUI's - I am more than likely to get a third. 
• Everyone in my family is some sort of addict - I am practically 100% at risk of being an addict. 

I am an alcoholic, a smoker, and I am addicted to caffeine. All legal... but all in excess. When I do drink [like I said before] I drink until I can no longer physically take another drink. The only thing that stops me from drinking like that is if I have some person I feel responsible for. Otherwise... party on Wayne. I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day... if I am having a bad day I can smoke close to two packs. My caffeine intake is out of control. I need at least one caffeinated beverage a day to function normally... however, I have been known to drink coffee, then a red bull  then another coffee, then a rock star  and then tea. ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAY. 

The DUI group leader always says he isn't there to tell us we are alcoholics. He did say that to know if we are alcoholics, "If you have had someone concerned about your drinking or if you have ever been concerned about your drinking... you are probably an alcoholic."

"Hi my name is Megan."
 -- "Hi Megan"

I have just been going through it lately dealing with drama, depression, lack of a sufficient income.

This is sort of a weird analogy. But  I feel like this photo I shot earlier this year. I absolutely love this photo for it's simplicity... You focus on the pomegranate and the red board. Pretty. So you look at the photo and go okay how does this relate to what the hell you were just talking about Megan? If you follow the fence line on the diagonal scale... there is a dead pomegranate. It's rotted and gross and I probably could have cut it out of the tree and taken the photo. The problem... I didn't notice the dead pomegranate. Now that I see it however I think about it all the time. Ugly, dead, rotted pomegranate.

Told you this was a weird analogy. Okay. So the picture is like me. Simple, good, well planned, and pretty. This picture makes me happy [I have it as my desktop]. Nobody really notices the rotted pomegranate... but it is still there... ruining the picture. You wouldn't realize it unless you stared at the picture for a long enough time.You just see a fence, red board, and pomegranates.

Does that make sense?

I don't really talk about my problems in person. Granted... I talk A LOT. But never really about anything that stings. I just talk about random stuff. And like I brought up earlier... I have LOTS of friends. Lots of friends I don't really talk to... or even really want to tell negative things to. I have an image that I like to keep. I like being that happy, bubbly, caring person that I normally am. Everyone knows I have issues... because everyone has issues. But I like to contain mine.

With what happened before... I tried to contain. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to talk about it. The only people I talked to were people I trusted. However, I was informed that EVERYONE knows. Not really sure who everyone is... but I have been suspecting EVERYONE is way the fuck too many people.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Okay that is a really dark quote... but in all seriousness. Drama spreads like wildfire. I don't do drama. I like to keep in my own little pod of simplicity. I don't want to lose what I was so happy to obtain. I don't like change but I still know that change is inevitable. FUCK YOU CHANGE.

So anywho. Besides all the other crap I have written in this whiny snot nosed blog.

I, my friends, am a codependent.

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

The definition is pretty broad. Basically I have been a codependent my WHOLE life... even when I was a kid. I place myself below to make others feel better. Hence, why I don't really know how to handle my own emotional onslaught of chaos... I just want to punch things. Another reason why I don't care to really share my emotionally distraught way of thinking... another reason why I have had an insane past of failed relationships... with friends and boyfriends.

I just want you to be happy. 

Another thing that sort of threw me for a loop. The other day I was called a hypocrite and it stung REALLY bad. Like put a little hole in my heart. The reasoning is because I always analyze people and situations. I normally can figure out what kind of childhood a person had, why they react the way the do, a general assumption of any negative things that have happened, and what a person is about within a few times of talking to someone. It seems like I am judging... but I am not judging. Just analyzing and offering advice the best way I can.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO OFFER ADVICE WHEN 

YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP YOURSELF?!

You know that saying that it is easier to see someone else's problems rather than your own? You know how you cannot really analyze your own problems because you are not looking at it from an outside perspective? Yes. That is how I offer advice. I've been through a lot, I've listened to a lot of people, I have studied a bit of psychology, I have read multiple self-help books, and I am a co-dependent... which means I am always looking for a way to help someone else. I don't think I am a hypocrite for not heeding my own advice. I think the way I handle my situations are far from perfect YET I usually analyze the FUCK out of the outcomes and what I want to do.

I deactivated my Facebook account for the whole day of December 22nd. I spent over 24 hours in bed. Laying there with my kitten, puffy eyed, and depressed. I got up a total of 5 times... only to go smoke... then immediately get back into bed. Didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't eat... just slept. Dreaming seemed better than facing the day. Facing people.

Since I slept for so long I woke up finally at 5:30 a.m. and decided that I needed to get back on the saddle. I've drank coffee, put the dishes away and loaded the dishwasher, and wrote this insanely long blog. I am not one to accept pity. I am not one who wants anyone's advice. I just felt the need to unload. Putting myself on blast via the internet is probably not the best way to handle my situation. But it is the one way to relate to others and to get shit off my chest. So no, this is not a cry for help, this is not a pity party, this is not something I want you to think about when you see me. It is an unload of the bag of rocks I have been dragging around with me... it is a way for me to unload without needing to find that violence.

Christmas is almost here and I am not ready. Not in the least. I made some Christmas presents but that is all. I have no money to pay rent... so I have no money to buy presents. I guess it is time to jump back on the Facebook train.

Awake at the deadly hour

You know it is terrible being awake while everyone else sleeps. No matter how you flip it... you are just the asshole who is still awake. So now I am hold up in the garage chain smoking using Jacob's laptop because I cannot use my desktop because I type like the key board stole my lunch money.

[btw... Laptops are much quieter than normal keyboards. I feel like a typing ninja]

Quick update on life. I've lived at Jamie's house for 4 months now. It has been spectacular [with only a minor set back happening recently... I feel an onslaught coming on... maybe it is just me being overly worried because of my assholenish the other day]. I really enjoy living here. My roommates are awesome, pretty simple life and the time has gone by so quickly it is actually quite scary. Not sure if I had mentioned the whole Justin and Jonathan fiasco... but yeah a month and a week and that ended. I still haven't received my deposit. But soon enough. ANYWAYS. Jacob and I have been living together for about the same amount of time that I have lived with Jamie and Amber. We became "official" on September 8th. Weird. It really doesn't matter, we just sorta work well together. I still share too much information but I think that is just my lifestyle. I am an extrovert. It happens. I have always been an online share too much junkie... but then again... what else would you read if I didn't share?? Hmm?

I sorta need a topic to write about. I just seem to be sitting here talking with my fingers to whoever you are. I even went on google to find a "Blog Topic" but I am not trying to really promote anything or make you people any more educated. I am just rambling. I even considered talking about my kitten... but I don't think you really want to read about him. [Even though he is pretty amazing.]

Alright, well I guess I will write about something I have noticed with friends. Why not. You may or may not be one of them. Let us see here...

I've noticed with a lot of my female friends that they don't seem satisfied. [No I am not talking sexually] It actually makes me upset a bit, like you are beautiful, smart, funny, witty, and can roll with the punches... Why are you letting minor bullshit get in your way of happiness?

You are better than you think you are. Seriously. Maybe this doesn't apply to you personally... but try it. Make a happy list. [It is quite entertaining once you get the ball rolling. I have told MULTIPLE people to do it... but I doubt anyone really listens.]

So while I am going to get off topic. Here is my happy list TODAY [it changes from time to time and even though some of the things didn't happen to day... thinking about them make me happy.]

• Buying other people things they don't expect is something that I totally get a kick out of. I dunno. It could be just something random I see at the store that makes me think of them... of course I can't do it always BUT when I can it makes me happy. [Try it. It is pretty awesome]
•  Laying on the carpet during the day when the sun is out and taking a nap. Cats do it all the time... there is a reason. IT FEELS AMAZING.
• Frolicking for no reason other than an AWESOME song is on. Get other people to do it with you and it multiplies the AWESOME impact.
• Typing blogs. Sometimes I get somewhat wary of writing anything. I mean putting yourself out there or talking about things that are taboo is somewhat intimidating but when I do it I almost always feel confident in my decision. Half the stuff I write about can relate to someone. Maybe not everyone... but hell. At least I get it out there and you know that you aren't alone either.
• Writing nice things about other people. When is the last time you went to someone else's facebook page and told them how much you appreciate them? Doing it all the time is overkill but I got a message today and it made me smile. I hope when I write about other people they feel the way I felt.
• Grocery shopping with Jacob. Yeah, sort of weird... but you know what. I am so use to split up and attack the isles that it is sorta nice just walking about the store figuring out what to buy. [Paying for it sucks... but the shopping part is nice]
• Tipping well. I am in the living off tips business... so I know how happy you can make someone. 

Okay now that I have given you some examples... try it. AAAAAAAAAAND on to the next topic [I finally thought of something]

SHIT TALKING. [Way to kill the mood, eh?] We all have done it and we all will continue to do it. I've talked, you've talked, we've probably talked together, maybe you have even talked about me. All this talk talk talk. The real question behind it is would you own up to it? I mean... if the person you were talking about confronted you about it... [cause let's get real... it ALL comes back around one way or another at some point] would you be honest or be defensive? I take the owning up to it route... I mean... if I think it... well, you might as well hear it from the donkey's mouth right? At least you get the full on impact of what I was saying instead of some telephone type ending. A friend of mine was at the bar and was telling another person that if she heard anyone talking shit she would undoubtedly fight them. For me, I find this unnecessary. If someone doesn't like me. Well, hats off to them. I find it humorous. I've been the awkward kid before and I will always be that awkward kid. [You don't really grow out of it... you just grow bigger and stronger. lol] I mean I have had some nasty little rumors spread... There are two times that shit talking pisses me off.

1. When the information is false or one sided. If you have a question or comment... please. Be my guest. I am not here to get all "WHAT OH NO NO NO I DIDN'T DO THAT" If I did it I own up to it. The more you try to hide shit, the more shit falls out of the closet when you aren't paying attention. Might as well air out the dirty laundry... that way the stench doesn't stick around.
2. Eh, that is about it. HAHAHAHAHA there is no 2nd one. It is just that one. LOL.

I really don't have anything else to talk about. I am actually tired now. All this thinking and rationalizing thoughts this late/early is making my brain hurt. 

Relationships And Battle Axes

A lot of my blogs have been about relationships, sex, and then a combination of other junk. I figured I would talk about marriage because well... it seems to be that time. 

[If you were recently married, are getting married, or have been married for awhile... I am not talking about YOU. This is just a blog about my personal thoughts that sprouted up from a bar conversation]

Lets Get Personal:
Once upon a time... I refused the thought or even talk about marriage. I figured I would forever just be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and not have to deal with the legal crap that comes with a divorce [Divorce runs in my family.] Well, after a 7 ½ year off and on relationship there came a point in that relationship that I was ready and willing to get married. After many discussions and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with that person. It took the last year for me to REALLY get into it. I had planned our life, our wedding, and what would happen. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT is the entire year that I was all goo-goo ga-ga over getting married... was the year that we fell apart. I was SO focused on our future, that the relationship itself failed. Irony I guess you could say. 

Seems like people don't appreciate what they have until it is gone

It has been over a year since we have split... currently I believe he is happy in a relationship and has gotten on the road of getting what he wants out of life. I am genuinely happy for him. He will always be my best friend and I know that if in a bind I could call him or he could call me and we would help each other through any situation... but we were toxic in a romantic relationship. I was trying to make him be someone he wasn't and he was doing the same to me. 

So if I had accepted his marriage proposal we would have continued to be the same people we weren't. I would be drowning in an attempt to be "perfect" and he would be trying to go out and get his fill of "excitement" 

"You know I don't understand why people are sympathetic for a break-up... obviously it is a reason to celebrate. It wasn't like 'Oh we are so happy let's break up' There was something wrong"

The point is, getting married would not fix the relationship. It would just require legal documentation for a break-up. Marriages DO NOT FIX RELATIONSHIPS. [oh yeah... babies don't either... just saying]


Onto the general aspect:
So you have this push to get married and have babies. Honestly though the average lifespan is WAAAAAY more than it use to be. Why rush into something?

It sounds like I am knocking marriage. Which I am not. I think marriage is romantic. You are giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. That is a huge thing! I mean... THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That is a long damn time.

Anyways. Let's move back for a second. Before you get married, you are in a relationship. You meet someone you find them funny and attractive. You have to go through this whole getting to know each other stage. That... awkward uncomfortable "Oh god I hope I don't have anything in my teeth" stage. So you go through that stage and find out more about the person and then you move into the relationship part. Then you have the check-in's and cuddle at home and watch movies in sweat pants stage. From their you become more comfortable... yet, you still find things out about the person that are not exactly what you expected. Walls come down, the past presents itself, and the make-it or break-it comes out. Sometimes this stage doesn't happen until you move in together. I mean people do some really weird stuff. [this is just a general outline... doesn't always play out that way... especially since my current relationship has been so ass backwards it isn't even funny. lol We were friends then moved in together then got into a relationship. lol]

I know a lot of my single friends are going through this NOW OR NEVER feeling and settling for people that may or may not be good for them... It all takes time. Recently I have discovered that it is not about the past, it is not about the future, it is ALL about right now. I finally am in something that I am happy with... I am not counting on the future and I am not dwelling on what has happened in past relationships. I am just here right now and he makes me happy and I want to make him happy. It is the simplest feeling I have ever felt and it has never been more awesome.

Last time I was in Reno I had this rough night where I broke off from the group I was with and went to this little hotel bar and sat there getting HAMMERED by myself. One of the other people from the group found me sitting at the bar and sat down where I had this "FUCK RELATIONSHIPS AND FUCK GUYS  FUCK GIRLS AND FUCK THIS AND FUCK THAT AND I AM GOING TO BE SINGLE FOREVER AND I WILL HAVE MY OWN DAMN BABY BY MY OWN DAMN SELF I WILL BE A SINGLE PARENT REGARDLESS AND FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY AT THE WORLD" Yep. Angry sad panda Megan [who definitely has a potty mouth] The guy sat with me trying to change my view, saying that I would find someone and I would be okay and that all is good in the world. Well, after the lies and bullshit that came with the last guy I was seeing... I came to the point where I am now. I am genuinely happy and although I am not counting my chicks before they hatch. Things will be okay for me.

It is hard to believe you will be okay after a break-up or when you are single... but everything comes full circle you just have to leave the past hurt behind you. It is a new thing and you cannot treat the new person as you treated the old person.

Learn from your mistakes but don't carry them around like a battle axe, because you will only cut off your own limbs. 

I get so sidetracked while typing that my brain cannot process all the information in a smooth moving blog. There is more I wanted to say but it got lost in the past and the present and everything else.

The main point of this was marriage is about loving someone with all their flaws being able to communicate effectively and depend on one another for support. A relationship is not about flowers and cute text messages but about the friendship that is deeper and more personal than any other. It is about having someone who can love you for who you are and even with disagreements and fights. It is about teamwork trying to push forward in life all the while stopping to enjoy the little moments. It is about little gestures and late night discussions. It is about the good and the bad and the crazy. It is about the both of you and the balance that you can find from having each other.