Relationships And Battle Axes

A lot of my blogs have been about relationships, sex, and then a combination of other junk. I figured I would talk about marriage because well... it seems to be that time. 

[If you were recently married, are getting married, or have been married for awhile... I am not talking about YOU. This is just a blog about my personal thoughts that sprouted up from a bar conversation]

Lets Get Personal:
Once upon a time... I refused the thought or even talk about marriage. I figured I would forever just be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and not have to deal with the legal crap that comes with a divorce [Divorce runs in my family.] Well, after a 7 ½ year off and on relationship there came a point in that relationship that I was ready and willing to get married. After many discussions and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with that person. It took the last year for me to REALLY get into it. I had planned our life, our wedding, and what would happen. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT is the entire year that I was all goo-goo ga-ga over getting married... was the year that we fell apart. I was SO focused on our future, that the relationship itself failed. Irony I guess you could say. 

Seems like people don't appreciate what they have until it is gone

It has been over a year since we have split... currently I believe he is happy in a relationship and has gotten on the road of getting what he wants out of life. I am genuinely happy for him. He will always be my best friend and I know that if in a bind I could call him or he could call me and we would help each other through any situation... but we were toxic in a romantic relationship. I was trying to make him be someone he wasn't and he was doing the same to me. 

So if I had accepted his marriage proposal we would have continued to be the same people we weren't. I would be drowning in an attempt to be "perfect" and he would be trying to go out and get his fill of "excitement" 

"You know I don't understand why people are sympathetic for a break-up... obviously it is a reason to celebrate. It wasn't like 'Oh we are so happy let's break up' There was something wrong"

The point is, getting married would not fix the relationship. It would just require legal documentation for a break-up. Marriages DO NOT FIX RELATIONSHIPS. [oh yeah... babies don't either... just saying]


Onto the general aspect:
So you have this push to get married and have babies. Honestly though the average lifespan is WAAAAAY more than it use to be. Why rush into something?

It sounds like I am knocking marriage. Which I am not. I think marriage is romantic. You are giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. That is a huge thing! I mean... THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That is a long damn time.

Anyways. Let's move back for a second. Before you get married, you are in a relationship. You meet someone you find them funny and attractive. You have to go through this whole getting to know each other stage. That... awkward uncomfortable "Oh god I hope I don't have anything in my teeth" stage. So you go through that stage and find out more about the person and then you move into the relationship part. Then you have the check-in's and cuddle at home and watch movies in sweat pants stage. From their you become more comfortable... yet, you still find things out about the person that are not exactly what you expected. Walls come down, the past presents itself, and the make-it or break-it comes out. Sometimes this stage doesn't happen until you move in together. I mean people do some really weird stuff. [this is just a general outline... doesn't always play out that way... especially since my current relationship has been so ass backwards it isn't even funny. lol We were friends then moved in together then got into a relationship. lol]

I know a lot of my single friends are going through this NOW OR NEVER feeling and settling for people that may or may not be good for them... It all takes time. Recently I have discovered that it is not about the past, it is not about the future, it is ALL about right now. I finally am in something that I am happy with... I am not counting on the future and I am not dwelling on what has happened in past relationships. I am just here right now and he makes me happy and I want to make him happy. It is the simplest feeling I have ever felt and it has never been more awesome.

Last time I was in Reno I had this rough night where I broke off from the group I was with and went to this little hotel bar and sat there getting HAMMERED by myself. One of the other people from the group found me sitting at the bar and sat down where I had this "FUCK RELATIONSHIPS AND FUCK GUYS  FUCK GIRLS AND FUCK THIS AND FUCK THAT AND I AM GOING TO BE SINGLE FOREVER AND I WILL HAVE MY OWN DAMN BABY BY MY OWN DAMN SELF I WILL BE A SINGLE PARENT REGARDLESS AND FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY AT THE WORLD" Yep. Angry sad panda Megan [who definitely has a potty mouth] The guy sat with me trying to change my view, saying that I would find someone and I would be okay and that all is good in the world. Well, after the lies and bullshit that came with the last guy I was seeing... I came to the point where I am now. I am genuinely happy and although I am not counting my chicks before they hatch. Things will be okay for me.

It is hard to believe you will be okay after a break-up or when you are single... but everything comes full circle you just have to leave the past hurt behind you. It is a new thing and you cannot treat the new person as you treated the old person.

Learn from your mistakes but don't carry them around like a battle axe, because you will only cut off your own limbs. 

I get so sidetracked while typing that my brain cannot process all the information in a smooth moving blog. There is more I wanted to say but it got lost in the past and the present and everything else.

The main point of this was marriage is about loving someone with all their flaws being able to communicate effectively and depend on one another for support. A relationship is not about flowers and cute text messages but about the friendship that is deeper and more personal than any other. It is about having someone who can love you for who you are and even with disagreements and fights. It is about teamwork trying to push forward in life all the while stopping to enjoy the little moments. It is about little gestures and late night discussions. It is about the good and the bad and the crazy. It is about the both of you and the balance that you can find from having each other.

Just pawns in this game of life.

I woke up in a fury of thoughts this morning because I was over-thinking everything last night. Now there is no strict way of writing for me. I babble, hence the name of the blog... so try to stay with me on this one. 

I am going to mention politics. Of course, politics has never been my game and I honestly have not been studying the course of action for the presidential candidates. The thing that has been getting to me is this "War on Women" 

I just do not understand how politics have to be involved with my reproduction rights... It seems that things have shifted from gay rights to women's rights in the last 4 years. Yes, the battle of the LGBT right to marry is still raging on and I am supportive of it. I DON'T CARE WHO ANYONE MARRIES, IF YOU WANT IT DO IT!!! People get married for all types of reasons, what right do I have telling anyone who they can and can't marry... we have men and women doing it all the time for wrong reasons so if you actually want to marry the person you are in love with and get the benefits of it I support it. 

Anyways, the thing about this whole War on Women thing. I understand people are upset about abortions, trust me... I have heard every reason why it is wrong... I just cannot fathom WHY it has anything to do with anyone else. Are you going to be supporting the baby once it is born? Why aren't all these pro-lifers adopting babies? Do they realize when abortions became legal, crime rates went down? DO YOU KNOW WHY CRIME RATES WENT DOWN? BECAUSE ALL THE BABIES THAT WERE GOING TO BE NEGLECTED THEN TURNING INTO CRIMINALS WERE NOT BEING BORN! I believe a fetus in the first trimester has no feelings, it is just a grouping of cells... in it's most animalistic state. Once a baby is born it has gained the necessities to actually survive [although we as humans have lost our "instincts" from poor evolution] Regardless, I don't understand why fetuses are being protected while babies, children, and women ARE NOT. 

 And then there is this guy Todd Akin running for senate that was trying to change "rape" to "forcible rape"... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I have never heard of a woman [OR MAN] who has been raped be like, "Oh yeah, well if you are going to do it... please go ahead." You know the sick part... is I know A LOT OF PEOPLE who have been raped, molested, sexually abused. More than you would actually spot... and a lot of rapes are never reported. I know, because I have talked to people and I actually don't know of anyone who has... and I never reported mine... DUN DUN DUUUUUN. [Nothing changes if we all keep our dirty little secrets.] 

Well damn it. Now I am all pissed off. All this presidential stuff and propaganda and legitimate bull shit was making me think last night. 

WE ARE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF PAWNS

I mean if you think about it. The president doesn't control the United States... it is a face for the public. We as the general population are being placed against one another over rights... maybe this election has brought in women's rights to divert us from the big problems that have been swept under the rug. We are just a bunch of sub-cultures battling each other while the real problems are oblivious to us. It is like in movies where the government doesn't tell the population the dirty on anything because it will spring panic. How much is being hidden from us? 

All this thinking is seriously making my brain hurt. [Insert blonde joke here] but seriously it is like there is no real answer... only more questions and more unknown.

Orgasms because you may or may not know this.

The ORGASM. Dun dun duuuuun. It is so damn taboo but all of us pretty much want it... some men joke about it, some men are embarrassed by it, and ALL of them think about it [because women think about it too!]. Well the thing that makes me upset about the whole orgasm thing is that men know how to achieve it with themselves. You touch your penis and ta-da... it feels good. You rub it and holy hell you just released a load onto your bed sheets. God forbid you have a woman [or man depends on your forte] involved with it.

The thing about women is it is not something especially talked about. I mean even me... as submerged into the sexual world as I have allowed [I wanted to be a sexologist, opening my own adult store geared towards women's sexuality and education promoting healthy sexual behaviors for women... but GoodVibes in the City beat me to it... 20-years before I was born...] I hate the word: Vagina. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SAY.

Both sexes have the four phases of sexual response. Called the Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model

• Excitement
• Plateau
• Orgasm
• Resolution

So not everyone is the same but this a SUPER-GENERAL-BREAKDOWN

• Excitement 
• in both Men and Women
• Increase in blood pressure and heart rate
• Nipple erections [Most common in females]
• in Men
• Penis becomes erect
• Testes elevate and engorge
• Scrotal skin thickens and tenses
• in Women
• Clitoris swells
• Labia majora separate away from vaginal opening
• Labia minora swell and darken in color
• lubrication begins 
• Uterus elevates
• Breasts enlarge
• Plateau
• in both Men and Women
• Involuntary muscle contractions especially in hands and feet
• Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing increase
• in Men
• Engorgement and elevation of testes becomes more pronounced
• "Pre-Cum" may occur
• in Women
• Clitoris withdraws under its hood
• Uterus becomes fully elevated
• Areola becomes more swollen
• ORGASM
• in both Men and Women
• Involuntary muscle spasms throughout the body
• Blood pressure, breathing, and heart rates at maximum levels
• Involuntary contractions of rectal sphincter 
• in Men
• Pooling of seminal fluid
• Semen expelled by contractions of muscles around the base
• in Women
• Orgasmic platform contracts rhythmically 3 to 15 times
• Uterine contractions occur
• Clitoris remains under its hood
• Resolution
• in both Men and Women
• Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing resume to normal immediately after orgasm
• Sex flush disappears rapidly
• Nipple erection subsides slowly
• in Men
• Erection subsides in over a period of a few minutes
• Testes descend and return to their normal size. 
• Resolution quite rapid in most men
• in Women
• Clitoris descends and engorgement slowly subsides
• Labia return to unaroused size
• Uterus descends to normal position
• Lack of orgasm after period of high arousal may dramatically slow resolution.

Many women get caught at the Plateau stage. But there are different kinds of orgasms for a woman. You have clitoral stimulation, internal which includes a G Spot orgasm(which G stands for the GUY it was named after... Grafenberg), and somewhere between those is the "squirt" which even with all the books I have read on the subject I STILL have not found an article explaining it.

It normally takes a woman longer than a man in the excitement phase. Normally their is some sort of social stigma attacking our brains. But once we get passed our constant thought processes we can finally hit the plateau stage... the only problem... foreplay was finished a long time ago and they are in their resolution stage. [Not always... but I am just saying... foreplay is important]

Not all women are the same [just like not all men are the same] I know women who HATE oral, some who love it, I know women who hate being touched and others that need to have clitoral or internal stimulation before even THINKING about sex, I know women who love anal, and others who would probably deck someone in the face if it happened, I know women who want to be touched and kissed softly and women who want things to be rough, I know women who use vibrators before and during sex. I mean seriously... the combinations are ENDLESS.... and it is pretty messed up because women expect men to know.

That's about all I am going to say.

I Bleed Happiness.

I am happy.

Seriously, I am to a point of being so happy it is somewhat concerning. Life has been a wild ride but right now it's absolutely perfect. I am sitting here smiling. There is not one specific thing that is making me happy but a list of things.

MEGAN'S TOTALLY AWESOME HAPPY LIST

• I have a roof over my head. Now sometimes we forget how important this is... but I was blessed with an awesome father who no matter how old I get he still is willing to take me back in. He wants me to be happy and healthy and to succeed. Without my dad I would not have much, he has been my stability and I am so grateful to have him. Even after the years in high school where I lost my damn mind and put partying first he still took care of me. Currently he does not charge me rent or anything else. He just wants me to be okay. Even though it would be nice to have my own spot, him giving me a place to live rent free means I can take care of all my debt and start over. He was the one who made me do a voluntary repo on my motorcycle which made me upset because it was my first big purchase but he knows best and ever since it has been picked up I realize how much money I am saving. [I love my daddy-o]
• I have an AWESOME job. Although being a bartender for the rest of my life is not exactly where I see myself... for the time being it really helps. I have been able to meet amazing people, the regulars are great and knowing that they like me is important, I have great co-workers... from the other bartenders, to the security, and even the manager. I could not have asked for a better team to work with. I make really good money from just working three days a week and I know that being there I can not only influence people but I can help make the business succeed. 

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michaelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” 

•  My mom is back in my life for good. Even though we are 300miles apart. We talk more often and seeing her for a weekend made me realize how much I miss her. I miss my whole family as crazy as everyone is... I love all of them and they all love me.
• I have a sweet new ride. LOL. It may be used and have minor little quirks... but not having to drive my 92 Honda Accord around any more has been absolutely wonderful. I mean it got me from point A to point B and I have plenty of memories with that car BUT I feel more confident in the car I have. I want to keep it clean, take care of it, and make it last a long time. Appearance is not everything but you seriously cannot be taken seriously when you drive a car that looks like it has been beaten to hell and back. 
• I actually have been attempting to dress more feminine... a little country but it is more fitting. I may not be the prettiest girl in town and I may not do my hair or make-up but I am confident... I feel good about myself. However, I have been thinking I want to start cooking more and eating healthier. Not because of weight or anything [because I could honestly use a little more weight... too thin is gross] But because eating healthier will help cleanse me from the inside which will complete the outside. 
•  I have ABSOLUTELY amazing friends. I have my BFF's who are always down for me no matter what or whenever. But I have old and new friends who also have my back. Even the aquiantences I have are pretty damn amazing. I have always known a lot of guys... but my male vs female ratio is balancing out. Having good girls [or the not so "good" girls lol] on my side is pretty sweet. Hopefully one of these days I want to get a party bus and just take all of them with me to party!! [Even my older sister who NEVER goes out to party... I love her too because she is one of my BFF's]

But yes. This is a list of why I am happy. I forgot to mention I am on the path of paying of my debt [including my car...] I have just been saving like crazy so I can pay everything off all at once. WOOT!

Desperate Love Songs

I have been pretty good about not being mushy [cause I ain't no punk lol] But at sometime in my life I would like to find a man who loves Zombies just as much as I do. One who has mechanical skills and can lift more than I can. One who loves motorcycles but loves to cuddle more. One who appreciates the effort I put into cooking and does not complain when it's burnt. LOL. I want to find someone who will let me fall asleep with my head on their chest so I can listen to their heart beat. I want them to understand I am "tough" but I also want to feel safe when I am with them. I want someone I can be spontaneous with, just have those moments where it's like take a dart to a map and "LET'S GO!" I want a man who can be my best friend and who is willing to learn new things. Also, he has to appreciate my obsession with photos. I want to be able to take care of him when he is sick and bake him cakes for his birthdays. Even though I am tom-boyish in many ways... I still have that hope for a healthy relationship where I can grow old with someone I can call my best friend until the day I die....

Okay. I'll stop. I know one day I will fall in love again, however, now is not my time... and I am not looking. Being single has actually been quite wonderful this time around. I have met tons of new awesome people and I know I would not be as spontaneous if I were in a relationship. You can't call me cocky but I am definitely confident in myself. I have quite a bit going for me and I am blessed to have so many great people in my life... when  I hear love songs though my girly side starts to show. 

You know what I am realizing now? I am terrible at blogging. I mean when I was working a desk job I had tons of things to talk about. Now I am a little more reserved. [say whaaaaa?] So I will end this with this song... because everything is ALRIGHT. 

A Lighthouse In This Hellish Storm

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart has 52 page views. It has been one hell of a week.

Last Monday it was decided that Chris and I were going to give up on attempting relationship counseling to save the seven some odd years we have invested into each other. At first I was fine and then I was sad and then I was angry and now I feel anxious but more in control. There is no need to feel badly it is just hard to imagine him with someone else, I couldn't imagine losing my best friend... my confidant... the person I could rely on to help me through hard times. My heart ached knowing I was going to lose out on the memories like his nieces baptism and being with his family. The fact we could not make memories together any longer, hurt.

Seriously. I felt like shit... I had lost a friend to death and I had lost someone I was madly in love with in the same week. What a blow to self-esteem. Yet, I had an epiphany. I was sitting on my floor in my disaster of a room and it hit me like a bag of rocks in the face. This is my moment to take control. Chris and I will always love each other and as much as I enjoy being in his presence I have a theory.

Don't worry I am not beating myself up over it, nor am I saying he is the bad guy. But I am relieving myself of the need to try to fix us. If he wouldn't have left I would have forever tried. Constantly struggling to find a balance I would never achieve and he would always feel as if I didn't care about him.

I definitely wish things were different. I wish we could have caught the problems in the beginning. If we were to have gone to counseling I think this would have been discovered and we may have been able to figure something out. I know I am slightly still in denial... and I catch myself thinking about him a lot... wondering what he is doing and wondering if he is thinking about me. I mean I have no idea how he feels.

This is the first time after ANY breakup that I have not found myself attached to some other guy and although I was advised by many, I do not feel like "enjoying my single days" If I am asked on a date I may say yes if I am interested... but I am not on the prowl. I don't need that attention. I am confident in who I am and I know I have things to accomplish. Plus, the whole sexual aspect makes life SO COMPLICATED. I am not ready for complications. All I need right now is to focus on myself and surround myself with friends.

Right now many of my friends are hurting, they are feeling the way I was feeling. They have the weight from Devon on their shoulders. I may not be the strongest person but when it comes to the people I love and care about I put my battle face on equipped with the support they may need at any given time. People who need that companionship or shoulder to cry on have me... because I am strong enough to carry that burden. I am not however, strong enough to carry the weight of relationship problems at this moment... Normally I can bare it but relationship drama at this moment is like a slap in the face.

I sorta got off track with creating the cycle picture [I still love Micrcosoft Paint] back to the epiphany. I am a busy person I fill my time with the most random things. I am here I am there I am pretty much everywhere. Too much downtime is a waste of time and I have become side tracked. Devon and Chris are gone, does this mean I should lie around in bed crying all day... No, it means that this is the push I need to get things I need to handle HANDLED. I am getting pretty good grades this semester and after this I have one more semester left until I get my associates in liberal arts with the emphasis on social sciences. Right now I am living rent free, which means I need to cancel out ALL my debt. Once I am debt free I will be able to save. When I am able to save I can move forth. Also, I am attempting the feat of leaving some 11 or so years of smoking behind me, I want to live a long life and be able to have that money for things like [hopefully] Europe and Germany next year once I get my AA.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 

My cousin posted that today. It fits well with how I have been feeling. Although I am not completely sane at the moment I am determined to make myself the best person I can possibly be. Feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on the past changes nothing. It's like I keep telling myself, I just need to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. 

The positive things I do today will help me have a better tomorrow.

Blood Letting And The Pain Of A Broken Heart

I wish I were in London. I wish I could be at some pub listening to the hustle and bustle of people. Drinking a pint of some beer I don't really like [because I like Bud light] but I would drink the English stuff just because. I wish I could hear the accents and listen to a group of friends laughing and another man complaining about how his wench of a wife is driving him crazy. I want to sit alone at my table, closing my eyes and hearing everything but thinking nothing. I want to see cobble streets and legitimate bakeries. Keep your cupcakes, I'd like a loaf of bread. I could go to a cafe and be bundled up and sit by a fireplace drinking a latte. I want to be where I can find peace of mind. I am not looking for a party and no one is looking to party with me. I am just a face on the street, a glance but nothing more. I wish I could be in London so I could go to the Florence and The Machine concert. People would be excited but I would just be able to feel her emotion....

Once you have that outright exhausting cry, where you can't breathe, your entire face is wet with tears, you have snot running like it's being chased by the police, and your whole soul feels empty... you can have that moment of nothing. The moment where you can no longer be sad but you can't truly feel happy. It's like you, as a person, are void from existence. The saying, The lights are on but, no ones home comes to mind. I am just sort of numb. I don't want to just lie in bed, I feel like walking. Walking to no where and bringing my camera. My $800 something dollar camera that my dad thinks I should return because I am in debt. I considered it, thinking with my rational brain rather than my emotional. However, I don't think I am going to. You only live once and although I don't condone throwing away money, what I do with my camera makes me happier than anything else I have ever done. I capture souls of people. You may change over time and things may happen but once I have you in that form you are mine forever and you have no where you can go. You don't age, you don't disappoint, and you certainly don't die. 

There have been thoughts in my head about losing friends... but I never really had to experience it. People die all the time and I feel very sorry for the people who lose them but no one at that extreme closeness level has died. My grandpa passed away and I was sad for my family, my Granny passed away and I was sad for my dad, My friends parents died and it killed me but not for me but for my friends and their future, My uncle passed away and again I was sad but mostly for my dad. It's like when people die, of course I am sad, of course my heart hurts, and of course I wish it didn't happen. But when I look at it... MY people didn't die. The people that I have made my own. The friends that have been with me through thick and thin. The people who are involved in my daily life. They don't die. They stay with me so we can stay friends forever. So no matter how much time has passed we are still friends and can pick up where we left off. Well except for Devon. Devon died. He felt that moment of anguish where death would prove a point and end his struggle. Devon took his own life, without realizing how badly he would hurt the ones around him. How his friend would call every coroner to prove it wrong. How she would drive home and fall into her little sisters arms in the middle of her court and cry. Then make her way into her room and lay on her bed-less floor trying not to hyperventilate. How she would drive to a friends house and see many other friends who she NEVER wanted to cry be embraced in her arms as they wept. Seeing men not know how to feel sadness so anger and avoidance sets in. Devon did not think of these things. I know the pain will subside and everyone will remember him but move on with their lives. We cannot feel sorrow or guilt forever. We will never know the exact reason. We will never know what he was thinking... and we will have to move forward. It's just heartbreaking knowing he won't be around.