Hello My Old Heart

I tried to write a blog last week with little success. I post long and mindless posts on Facebook all day long but as soon as I open up the blogger page my mind draws this blank.

My mind = [FranklinGymSexPhotographyWarPoliticsFunnyPresentSadBeerNudityButterfliesHistoryEducationRealityDreamsDeathPensPaperMasturbationMoneyWeatherDecoratingReligionExboyfriendsLawsFoodTodolistsMathColorsTrucksPlacesEconomyJuiceFriendsPastVolunteeringLivestockCalculatorsGardeningBubblebathsPreworkoutPeopleQuotesBabiesHomeworkRelationshipsMichelleJailNailpolishBooksEuropeCraftsRapePoliticiansOrganizationalskillsZombiesTelevision]

My mind while trying to write a blog = [    hmmm...     ]

It is like this non-stop chaos to comes to a halt. I try not to censor myself too much on my blog but I know I do. Some things just get into the realm of awkwardness and since I have NO IDEA who reads it... I have to expect that EVERYONE reads it. [Hi Grandma. (lol. jk. Grandma doesn't have a computer)] I know some of the things I have wrote in the past have caused people to be upset. I should have a disclaimer.

***Disclaimer: I say fuck a lot.***

Now it isn't because I lack the vocabulary to come up with a more suitable word. I just like the word. It is definitely offensive to many people and quite unprofessional. However, I don't really care. Granted, while in certain company I will curve the need to say it because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable... but with the choice you made to read this... well, you chose to read it. Don't judge my vocabulary.

Since we have gotten past that portion of things. I guess we will just go over a couple things until I get back into the groove of things.

Life.

Ah, yes. The past year has been A FUCKING TRIP. I pretty much have covered most bases of life in just 2013 and it isn't even over yet. I guess all in all it has been a year of self discovery. I am still working on a lot of things but I think I have the majority of it figured out. I wrote a Facebook post about it...

Every night... I try to go to bed early and yet every night I am wide awake. Thoughts invade my head from everyday tasks to things that I have(had) no control over.  

The conversation about the month of March didn't help. Everyone was posting things about Michelle's 6 month anniversary of her death. I can remember every last detail of walking into the house up until the paramedics came... Then the rest of the month was kind of fuzzy (more like non-existent) I'm sure it must just be a coping mechanism my brain uses.

On a more positive scale... I had a conversation tonight about not allowing my life to fall apart (not in relation to Michelle) I'm notorious for letting myself slip then getting caught with having my life fall apart and constantly trying to fit the pieces back together while other parts crumble. Like some giant juggling act of never getting it right. 

Recently on this unexpected path of self-discovery and awareness... I realized that I am the only person to blame. Bad will always show its ugly face and I will never be the person the media tells me to be. I am my own entity separated from the masses. There may be someone prettier than me, smarter, more charming, more creative, more connected in social activities, more spontaneous... Etc... You get the point. However, no one will be me. I am my own divine self. I am who I was meant to be... Not saying I am better than anyone else but I am perfect in the way of self. (does that make any sense?) 

I finally have that drive I've been searching for. I could spend my whole life searching for someone or something to make me happy... But I'll never find it because what I need is something I already have. I just didn't realize it. I just needed a chance to change direction and focus. Life isn't about what you have or who you can impress... It is about making the best out of every situation, about loving yourself, it is about being able to share moments with the people around you who strive to also make the best of the time they have here.

I don't have much but I have exactly what I need... A loving family, a solid group of friends, generally good health, a challenging job, a place to live, reliable transportation, and another day to wake up and live the life I want to lead.

It seems to be that we are our own worst enemies... That we don't see how beautiful we are because we are comparing ourselves to everyone else. BUT as one of my favorite quotes puts it....

"The grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit."  

If you think about it... everything you read is only a portion of their life. No one really shares the parts of themselves that they are not happy with. Yes, you will read "I need to start working out" "I am single again" "I am angry" But how often do you read or hear that people are sad... and not sad because of a youtube video they just watched... but genuinely just sad or unhappy. How often do you hear about the every day stressors in someone's life? For me it's not that often. You almost have to dig for that information. I am a firm believer in it is better out than in. Not in a way of ALWAYS complaining about EVERYTHING... but in a way of letting go of that negative and moving in to a positive way of thinking. 

And now I am at a point in the blog where my thoughts are starting to collide. I need a firm topic... 

Being Single.

My ex is pretty awesome. Well, for being an ex. We started dating out of the blue and we ended out of the blue. Definitely not something I had planned on and not exactly something I wanted because we were able to get along really well but he gave me something that I needed. The realization that no one can complete you, you have to complete yourself. 

So I have switched things up and I am really working on being... well... me? I relate to the movie Runaway Bride. I conform to relationships giving up who I am to be with someone else. The reasoning for this is I want to make things work, I like the person and I want them to be with me. 

I am that person who just wants to be loved by someone. I basically grew up while being in a long term relationship so that is all I really know. But I think as I have gotten older I have started to realize that when single I am able to be myself. I do what I want, when I want, for the reasons I want to. I am a quirky individual and people like me for who I am. So my relationship fail because when in them... I change. 

So I have set up some random goals in order to make myself better and improve the quality of my life. 

• Be healthier. I was always afraid of the gym. Technically I still am. It is a big place with lots of big people who know what they are doing and I am over here like hey... I can curl 30lbs! Once I started going it has become easier [although I am not at the confidence level I would like to be at] I love the after feeling, I love knowing that although I cannot see it... I can feel changes... and those changes are happening because I am making them. I may never get to the point where I am competition status, but the strength I gain is something that belongs to me. 
• Do things. My parents really didn't do family vacations. So we never really went anywhere. With the group of friends I have now... people are willing to get out of town and go explore which is great! On top of that though, there are things I want to do. So I have the chance to do them even if it is just by myself driving up to Fort Bragg to see a beach. 
• Side note: When making plans for myself and including other people it seems that when the other person changes their mind or just straight up flakes. I no longer follow through with the plan. I just say fuck it and stay home to do my normal routine. This is a problem in the sense where I haven't done a lot because of another person. 
• Learn things. There is so much out there to learn. I mean you have classes, colleges, events, and the internet!! The lists of things we can learn is endless. I've always wanted to learn how to make crafty stuff like soaps and candles... but I also want to learn how to operate heavy machinery and build stuff. I want to learn how to be self sufficient and re-learn how to fish and also learn how to hunt. I want to learn how to blow glass and ride horses... how to dance and play the guitar my dad gave me... I want to learn more sign language and how to sew. There is this endless list of things that I want to do and I have the time to do it. 
• Be organized. I am a big ball of fiery chaos. My car is a mess and all the drawers in my room are just filled with stuff. STUFF EVERYWHERE. I need to find a way to take more time to do the simple things that way it doesn't build up. 
• Just relax. It doesn't matter what I am doing, I am always thinking and planning and this and that and the other thing. I NEVER GIVE MYSELF A BREAK. Even when I have time I am on Facebook giving an opinion or trying to help someone. It is like I put all these plans and goals and things around me... I rarely just sit down and read a book or watch a movie to enjoy the moment. Everything is always planned and executed which in the end normally leaves me scrambling for time. 

So I cannot say I do not wish to be in a relationship because I would like the companionship... I want a best friend that can be more than that but right now it just seems the right person hasn't come along. I just have to do what I do and enjoy what I can because in all honesty... you never know what is going to happen... might as well make the best of it.

Codependency & Dating

You know how things just sort of come to you, maybe nudge you a bit... 

AND THEN SLAPS YOU IN THE FACE WITH AN IRON FIST?

Yeah that is kind of what happened. 

I don't know. I have one crazy out of control past... dating and trying to be this person I am/am not.

I am a codependent  We talked about it in my DUI class tonight. Knowing full well I have a problem I continue to find these people I just HAVE to date. I would give them anything and do anything for them. I follow like a puppy. I give up part of me to have that connection with them. 

Codependency stems from the past I have had and the need to always be the fixer, to have people love & accept me, to love & be loved. It seems normal but it isn't in the degree in which I seem to have it. 

I have been ROYALLY fucked over by people I have dated and yet I still accept them and want them in my life. Maybe not as a lover but I still want their friendship. It is a good thing and a bad thing.

So today I read this quote from Oprah. 

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE
individuals. Look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him ~ he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts..."

I am PRETTY much the complete opposite of EVERYTHING she said. Raised in the right era I would have probably been Holly Fucking Housewife... but by being here today I drink, I smoke, I've done some crazy shit, I curse like a sailor, and thankfully can be independent financially.

I really don't have much else to say concerning this because it is sort of a sore subject. BUT I can say acceptance is the first step... I love myself... I just need to learn how to love myself without losing that balance over another person.

Mourning & The Process Of Change

I think I have come to realize why the mourning process takes its toll differently on different people. I miss Michelle the most when I am on Facebook and bored. Since we all know that I am on Facebook EVERYDAY religiously... it was our thing. We would have Facebook chats about everything and anything. What we were doing, what we were going to do, etc... So when I get online and see her profile still there... my heart sinks. It's not liked we talked about important things... we just talked and I would sit here in my room laughing hell of loud with no one around. I believe that if I worked at the Cabin [or even still frequented there] around the time of her death the loss would hit me more because I would still have been seeing her almost daily. The lake is another thing that makes my heart sink... she was my lake buddy all last summer.

I see a lot of her close friends [not discounting my self or others... but we all know who was closer] and her boyfriend having a harder time. I believe the reason for this is that instead of just thinking to talk to her while on Facebook or randomly... these people thought to call her, kidnap her, visit her, go out with her... on an almost daily basis. So it seems that they would have a harder time because they now have to fill that time that they would be involved with her with other things, other thoughts, other people. It's never the same and they are constantly reminded of the time that could be spent together lost.

In an analytical way... Losing Michelle is like how I felt when I quit smoking cigarettes. When I was in the process I would be like "Okay Megan, Find something else to do... What am I going to do... Well I will have a cigarette while I think of something to do to help me quit smoking." WAIT WHAT? Seriously it was a constant thing occurring in my head. To fill the time that I wasn't going to smoke I wanted to smoke knowing that I couldn't. [Weird I know] SO in that sense... You have friends who are attempting to heal... but they are doing things that Michelle would be involved in or dealing with life things that she would be there for and although they know they still are reminded that she is not there and she isn't going to be but still have the urge to call, text, or invite her places.

Seeing my friends hurt makes my heart hurt. Everyone is coping the best way they can. I see posts, I hear about friends going to the gravesite, I know that people are still crying themselves to sleep at night... So you have all these wonderful friends and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing I can do to help them. You just have to stand by and watch as their hearts start to heal then breaks again when they think of her. Seriously, how fucked up is that.

I am still not sure if I am still in the denial stage or I just really became this psycho motivated "I am Megan, I love myself, hear me roar" person. I hope the hurt never comes. I mean the first week was terrible and maybe because of my agnostic ways of living are involved I hurt more for those around me. Don't get me wrong... I love Michelle and I always will. She is in my heart forever as the most fun-loving, excitable, crazy when drinking redbull, sweet, loving friend... but in her passing I have 180°  I mean I was jobless, boyfriendless, dealing with all this shitty stuff in life [DUI's suck...Having 2 of them really really sucks]... and then... like a ray of sunshine coming through the clouds I realized that I was being stupid. Why waste my life? Why feel bad about the things I cannot change? Why let myself fall into a path of negativity? Why would I let myself go? It hit me like a softball in the face... out of the blue and hard. The saying "You Only Live Once" is more of a "You Only Die Once, You Live Everyday" 

Michelle's death although tragic, unexpected, and fucking awful... has given me this motivation to not only live for myself but to live for others. It's not like everyday is going to be a good day and it's not like I am going to completely change who I am.... but I know I need to be better as a person and better for those around me.

[This started out as a Facebook post. lol]

The Sun Ain't Got Nothin' On You Honey

I have been thinking about writing a blog since this whole thing happened. There are so many thoughts and feelings.

Because we all are going through it... I figured I would post the 5 Stages Of Loss. No one goes through these the same... but we will all go through them at some point in the healing process.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

There are no words that can express the feelings of loss. It is like a hole is drilled into your heart and never heals, just fills with mindless things to cover the pain. Michelle's death was no one's fault. She was stubborn... so stubborn as she laid unable to move on the floor barely able to breath she told me she was fine. She never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted any help. The fact people are placing blame on others makes my heart hurt. I understand it is a coping mechanism... but if you are placing blame you never even knew Michelle. She would never want anyone to feel bad about this... she would never want hurtful words to be thrown around. That was never who she was, so by people using words to hurt others is absolutely mind blowing. I guess that is just life though.

I have mixed feelings about being the one who found her. I know Chris would have been there if he had his own truck... but it was probably better that I was down the street and beat everyone else he called there. I can still picture it in my head. I still remember the feeling of panic welling up in my chest. I am glad I can handle those situations with grace. All I wanted to do is yell and cry and vomit and everything all at once... instead I talked in my teacher voice... calm and reassuring.

What's up honey?
Everything is going to be fine.
I am calling the ambulance.
What is this address?
I'll be right back.
Found the address!
They will be here soon.

I am going to move your arm, it has to be numb.
Can you feel this hand?
That's good.
What about this hand?
Okay. Great.

The good thing is, you will probably get amazing drugs.
Morphine!!!
I am going to crate the dogs so they don't scare the paramedics.
Don't worry about anything.
This is just a bump in the road that we will talk about years from now.
I will grab your clothes so you have something to change into.
I can't find your phone charger.
The last thing we want to do is panic.
I will meet you at the hospital.
Everything is going to be fine.
I will see you soon.

I will never get that image of her out of my head. I asked my friend who is a firefighter how he lives with the images. He just apologized and told me his way is not the way it is supposed to be. I honestly was afraid to sleep the first few nights. I was afraid the event would replay over and over again. I totally respect paramedics, firefighters, military, nurses, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has to see things. It doesn't go away... you just store it in a different part of your brain and hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. So far so good.

She was put in the ambulance and that is the last time she was conscious. Those are the last things she heard. Me telling her everything was going to be fine. Obviously nothing is fine. We lost one of our own to something so unexpected and honestly... quite stupid. I mean I figured one of us would die of alcohol poisoning or a car accident. Sick and sad... but more plausible than fucking pneumonia. I spent a majority of the day in my calm -everything is going to be okay- state. I mean I was watching people crack around me... and I tried so hard to keep together and to keep positive. Watching her die the first time was enough. Chest compression for 30 minutes, having people crying, me crying, everything just seeming to be one big blur. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate but then had to remind myself that no good would come from me passing out.

We have had event's in her honor, people have been over at the house practically every night, we've laughed/cried/freaked out and pretty much everything in between. Depending on who you are depends on how you have seen me. Now I am alone and it's calming. It's like the burden of her death weighs heavy on my mind but I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to protect anyone, I don't have to do anything... it is just me, my cat, and my computer.

It all comes back to that same thing of me being more social on the internet. I love everyone and enjoy spending time with people close to me... but sometimes I just want to have time with my thoughts... the internet is a way for me to analyze how I feel and what I am thinking. Granted... you guys think I type a lot but in reality you only read a portion of what I write. I think, I type, I erase, then I type some more.

Everyone knows how much I love to take photos. Everyone gives me shit for the amount of photos I take. Is it strange that I felt guilty for the lack of photos I had of Michelle when going through my files? I swore I would have so many. I think I only had about 75 of my own. Now I am just thinking of what happens if someone else dies... What if I don't get enough "good" photos. I guess I will have to start doing photo shoots with everyone just to ensure I have "good" pictures. Michelle was supposed to model for me but we just never made time for it.

I really didn't get very many. We had so many times we hung out but I just never brought my camera. It was just another day of another week of another month. But now looking back all those random days made up our friendship. Like our time at Str8 Shooters... we SUCKED at beer pong so we just would try to distract the other team. Everyone thought we were sisters and we would just LAUGH... She is so petite and I am so gigantic. But we were blonde so I guess that is what mattered. And whenever she would get antsy because she drank too much I would just pick her up and walk... wouldn't really walk to anywhere in particular... maybe just a couple laps around the bar but she would calm down and wouldn't try to bite anyone. HAHA. She got me good once and I was like... WOMAN!! I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND I'LL LOOK LIKE A WHORE! I laughed so hard even though it hurt. Jacob and I lived with her and Chris the last week of June because my roommates were assholes. We spent time at the lake buddied up while all the boys were being crazy and we even went to the wine and spirits thing together in Berkeley. We discovered there is a lake in Oakland that we were planning to go back to when the weather got warmer [I am still going to go and I will bring her picture]. I realized how much information her brain could store when we went to Dillon's beach. As I was driving she was pointing out different plants telling me their scientific name. Bubbly ass Michelle was full of knowledge and could pull that shit out on a whim. She was an amazing co-worker. If I didn't take a shift she would and vice versa. She would come hang out with me on shifts and even bring me food if I was hungry. She was ALWAYS worried about me being hungry. And she was always willing to come get me if I got drunk. Anytime I was in need she would just totally be there for me. We had our girly talks while no one was around but if we were in a crowd it was always sunshine and flowers. I only seen her pissed off ONE time. She was SOOOOOOOOOOO mad cause the bar was just out of control. So. Me being the giant I just followed her, picked her up, put her in the bathroom, and gave her two choices... hit me or hug me. We hugged and talked for a second and by that time she was just so exhausted she calmed down. [She wasn't really a hitter except she did pop a few of the boys in the face...]

Her funeral was nice. It was well done... slightly awkward because of the religious propaganda slid in there... but nice none the less. I wish I could have heard Chris, Adam, Jamie, and Kaycee speak about her. The fact the Cabin was not mentioned was pretty upsetting also... especially since most of the people from the funeral were from the bar. I know an image was trying to be upheld but it just didn't capture the Michelle everyone knew. Sprint and Starbucks were side jobs to her. She hated working at sprint because of the uniform. And she quit Starbucks without even a blink of the eye because she made more money bartending and didn't have to deal with customers at 5am. Which brings me to this....

If I should die a sudden and unexpected death before getting married or having babies.... [Don't worry this is just a.... just in case thing. I will probably live until I am 90 and be pissed off about it. hahaha]

- My mom and sister are allowed to go through my things. I've hidden nothing from them about who I am and what I am about. They get the choice of what they want. However I want that moment to be shared with my close friends.... because well... they have been stuck with me also. [Just don't let the non-close people go through my dresser drawers... that would be awkward] My close friends can have pretty much anything they want of mine [The important stuff goes to Amy, Brenna, and Jayden though... like my guitar, camera, and computer] All they have to do is ask. You want my perfume... sure. You want articles of clothing... fine. You want random scarves, jewerly, hair stuff... Just ask and my mom will be way laid back about it. Brenna also get's a higher pick than friends... but you kittens just work among yourselves. Whatever you do don't be greedy and don't try to sell off my shit. HAHA. All the people in my life are awesome... so stay awesome.

- I don't care if you bury me or cremate me. It really doesn't matter. I will be dead. My body is just a vessel nothing more. If I am buried though I do not want an open casket, I do not want a lot of make-up on, and I want to be in something comfortable.. like a Sweater, jeans, and flip flops. LOL. I dunno it just makes sense. If I am cremated and people want to carry a little bit of my ashes... cool. Someone fork over the money to bottle my ashes up. I would however like a place for people to "visit" so a little tomb area would be cool with some of the ashes. Also, if there is going to be a tombstone... write something witty. I don't want a boring tombstone.

- My favorite flowers are Sunflowers.

- Also, If I am buried I want people to print out pictures of me and them or of just them with something written on the back of the picture... anything... it could be a poem, a letter, a memory.... just something. Cause my body may be gone but the memories will be what matters.

- I want EVERYONE to be able to speak at my funeral if they want. I don't care how long it takes. As long as people get the closure they need... I am good with that. So talk on friends.

- I'd like my funeral to have formal clothing [just because it will be funny to see some of you people dressed up.] Black would not be necessary .. I understand it is a pain in the ass to find funeral clothing. Just dress up and look pretty. <3 Wear whatever color you want. I am more of an earthy toned chick... but whatever you feel like wearing is just dandy.

- NO CHURCH MUSIC. Play something awesome. Sing it if you want... something that reminds me of you. Or all of you. Pick a good song though. And I think Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine should be at least one of the songs.... even if it is just background music. You guys should dance to it... bwhahaha. Cause I do... every time I hear it. Okay... maybe you won't dance.... because that would be weird... maybe just blast it in your car one time for me.

- Any money left over from funeral costs... put in my nephew's college fund. Simple. I happen to have lots of money left [very very doubtful] split the money between Jayden's college fund, Brandon's college fund, Carly's college fund, & Amanda's college fund. Do what you can with what is left.

- I want a party... a celebration of life party. I want you people to remember the awesome times together. I want you to be like... REMEMBER THE TIME THAT MEGAN.... ____________ !!!hahahahahaha make it fun. Enjoy the memories. Enjoy the time we spent together. DO NOT BE ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES.

All I could ask for after my passing would be for everyone to come together and celebrate life, take care of your own life, and live as awesome as you possibly could. Unless someone actually kills me... don't place blame on anyone. I am a big girl I make my own decisions.

Somewhat of a saddening thought I know and I am sure I am going to get angry phone calls from my family for posting something like this so soon after my friend passing away... but just watching everyone, seeing all this chaos and unhappiness... seriously. Don't do that. I will be SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. [if there are ghosts... I will haunt you.]

I was going to combine a couple other things I have been thinking about in this blog but it is already somewhat chaotic. I hope I don't make anyone a sad panda after reading this. I just needed to get this out and aired. I actually feel better... I am just really tired.

Blogging Because I Have The Time

So I have been thinking about typing up a blog for a minute... but everything is always so chaotic.

Current Financial/Living Status:

Let's see. Regarding me moving to Oregon. Well, I have to set up a court date with my public defender who hasn't returned my call [rude]. I basically have to beg the court to let me move. It almost seems not worth it. I mean, once the time comes where I can no longer tiptoe through the high waters and I finally begin to drown... I will just swim away. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN CALIFORNIA. 

[Plus, leaving my cat behind... it just makes the thought of moving not as appealing.] 

The only reason I have been staying afloat is my friends and family. I mean... Jamie didn't kick me out knowing I couldn't pay her rent [I am just racking up an IOU], my step-mom has helped with gas and food, and my friends help me keep my social realm active. I've never hit a low like this and asking for help has never been my forte. I am a helper... not a helpee. My pride doesn't allow me to ask for handouts... HOWEVER. I always knew if I needed support I have some of the most amazing people in my life and they definitely have proven themselves. You don't forget shit like that. Everyone who has helped me just does it... none of that... "Do you need help Megan?" Cause I say no almost every time.

I want a job that allows me to be happy. I mean I am a ninja at typing and at 10-key, I know all office equipment, I am amazing at multiple phone lines, and I have customer service skills up the wazoo. I just need to find something. I wish I knew how to use QuickBooks. I don't want to bartend again but I will if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I mean I am also even considering getting into a labor job. I just need something that pays more than minimum wage!!! And the VERY LAST thing I want to do is go back into retail. I love people... but I hate people who shop. I don't want to clean up after adults and I definitely don't want to sell crap to people who don't need it. Plus. As you all may know I am a creature of habit. So while working at a bar... I drink. While working in retail... I shop. So if I get a job digging ditches... I will bury people... wait... what?

I WANT BEN HAGGERTY'S BABIES.

My friend bought me a ticket to see Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I am beyond stoked about it. "Macklemore" just got engaged... and in my little fantasy world... it makes me sad. HAHA. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. Lol. Total groupie status. But on the reality side of things. I LOVE WHAT HE RAPS ABOUT. He talks about everything that people tend to ignore. Especially having a not so pretty past of my own I find myself relating to what he has to say. *le Sigh*

BUT you want to know what I find to be the coolest part about it? My friend Brooke who no longer even lives in the state of California bought me the ticket. It was one of those genuinely sweet gestures and made my heart super happy. For her to go out of her way to show her appreciation of our friendship was so random but so thoughtful.

"Megan, What are you doing wrong to always get cheated on?"
My buddy asked me that the other day while we were driving. Somewhat of an awkward thought. I am not really sure what I do... but out of the relationships I have had... the ratio is not looking very promising.

- I told a friend of mine how one of my exes is in a relationship where he is actually being honest to the girl, isn't cheating on her, and has really turned his relationship ways around.
- What does my friend do?
- Laugh. 
- His thought on it was... "if he cheated your entire relationship & cheated on other girls he talked to...  he will cheat again." It made my heart heavy. I don't know his current girlfriend, but she seems to be a nice girl. I mean this friend of mine has never met my ex... so it is just his thoughts on cheaters. I really do hope my ex has a normal faithful relationship and that the girl he is with does not cheat on him either. 

Which that in turn, also makes my heart heavy. Always the rule, never the exception. It is somewhat silly but you sort of thing of things like... why wasn't I good enough... or why haven't I been good enough... what does she have that I didn't?

THIS IN NO MEANS IS AN "I WANT MY EX BACK" SITUATION!!! [fuck that shit I've played that game too many times. It is almost like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeeeeeeeah. No. ]

I love that fool and I will always love him. He was and still is one of my best friends. [weird I know] But I would never go back to that. We are better as long distant friends than in a relationship.

But in almost every relationship I was some sort of sucker... I treat boyfriends as best friends. I expect them not to lie to me. Like, if you are my best friend... why would you try to hide shit. I know I have had my crazy ass moments... but I am in most cases quite sane when honesty happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted. You cannot exactly slip, fall, and put your penis into another woman without having some sort of conscious thought about it... I have gone both ways about it. I have been off my rocker out of my mind... contemplating a life in prison ready to set his house on fire [Think Miranda Lambert's - Kerosene] and I have also been completely calm and did my best at putting faith in the human good and forgiveness and continued to support him. Neither panned out for my benefit.

What can I say... I pick some winners. If you are reading this... you probably know some of them. Great guys... just not in a relationship.

My Online Life:
Everyone knows me through Facebook. They know me more than I know them. Somewhat of a weird concept if you think about it. I seriously have NO IDEA who exactly reads my posts, my blogs, listens to the music I post, laughs at the things I find funny. I mean how many of my 700+ friends know more about me than I know. Actually quite creepy. At a party last night I was greeted by... oh I don't know... 15+ people. Half of them mentioned Facebook. The other half brought up the bar. Bar + Facebook = The people I seem to know. The weird thing is... I almost like it better than way. I like being home and I like having a general audience.

I really should get out more though. If something interesting happens. I don't tell just one person... I TELL THE ENTIRE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY. [Well, certain things I don't discuss... just because that would be a little awkward. Hey let me tell you about my sex life. Bow chica bow wow]

Side note: My cat just jumped down to the ground and licked my leg. He really reminds me of a dog. I just wish I could take him on walks without being weird.

I am undecided on if I want to post this. It has been a few days of coming back to it... writing... saving... walking away... coming back... repeat.

Single & Unemployed...

I have the overwhelming feeling of the word, "Fuck"

Yup. That is pretty much the summary of how I feel. I am sure there is a more appropriate word. But with this feeling you can tell I don't really care. lol. 

I hated bartending anyways. I mean... super fun job and WAY more laid back than any other job you can have... but it drains your soul. Plus... with two DUI's and a binge drinking problem I think that NOT working at the bar is a better thing for me. I even called my Ex, Chris, to talk about it. Our biggest relationship problem is I basically have relationships with bars. I always have. First it was Bottom of the Fifth before I was 21, Thompson's Corner when I turned 21, AC's pub & Grill when I worked there, then The Elmira Cabin when I worked there. He just told me that I was stubborn and that I should really look for a normal job instead of jumping on the same problem bus that I always seem to get on. He also made the point of if I get a job [or two] that are long hours I won't have time to go to the bars and I will be able to save money.

 Side Note: 

Chris legitimately is one of my best friends. We also talked about how it was weird that we could talk about things like me dating and him moving into a house with his girlfriend. He is that one guy that I will forever love but can never be in love with because we are awesome apart and toxic together. We rarely talk but when I need to talk to someone he is always there to be like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEGAN?!?!" And I heed his advice. Basically no one knows me like he knows me because of the 7+ years we spent together and he has no ill intentions towards me. We are how divorced couples are supposed to act... except we never got married. lol. 

Speaking of dating. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't really date I just sort of jump into a non-titled relationship. Hook, Line, and Sinker. It is not only my fault though. It isn't like I go super clingy crazy status. It is just how do you talk to more than one person and not feel like a nasty little slut? LOL. I am not even talking about sleeping with people. I am really talking about talking/dating/etc... Why would I want to get to know multiple people all at the same time? I mean I have a terrible memory in the first place and I also seem to have diarrhea of the mouth so if I do happen to talk to more than one person everyone is going to know about it... including the people I am dating. I can't "talk to" more than one person. So then it falls into an exclusive category. Cause if you are only really talking to one person and not even interested in talking to anyone else... and the other person feels the same way.... 

Like I said before... throw up in mouth.

Man. I really over think stuff. I actually signed up for Match.com or something like that... but then immediately deleted the account. For being such an extrovert I am really not into meeting new people... I have a hard enough time balancing out the friends I have now. 

I do know however how I want to be treated. I want to have a best friend who I can stand to be around who genuinely cares about me and my interests and wants me to be happy... even if it means kissing me on the forehead when I am sad panda. lol. For being such a dominant female... I am really just a puppy. I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Plus I heard somewhere that it actually boosts endorphin's... lose job and I just want to cuddle. Weird. 

[How does it literally kill?]

Jacob was more of a friend who I just happened to help and sleep with for 6 months. You know... it's casual. We had a few really cute boyfriend/girlfriend moments but I knew it was not a forever thing... it was just a give and take to balance out life. I will say one thing in his defense... once he gets a few years on him and if he doesn't get all fucking tainted by life... he will make some woman an excellent husband. 

My mom wants me to move to Oregon with her. Free place to stay until I find a job and then I could just help with bills and such. I've always talked about moving up there... even before she lived there. I love it there... it is a whole different way of life. However, leaving would be insanely difficult. I've lived in this area for SOOOOOOO long now. There are certain friends that I have a hard time imagining leaving behind. I would have to start over. I would have to make new friends. I would have to deal with all the same shit I have already been through to find friends that I have now and a lot of my friends are SO unique... it would be impossible to replace them. I know only like one person who would make the trip to come see me. But I would live close to all sorts of awesome outdoors stuff, be closer with my family, and have new opportunities. Some people say go and some people say stay. At least I could date people who don't know each other. lol. 

Megan's Corner

... Cause no one puts baby in the corner.

Sometimes I wonder how people really see me. I know you are not supposed to worry about what other's think but honestly we all have some curiosity about it. No one ever really says anything negative to my face [occasionally behind my back but that is inevitable] Whenever people say anything it is all flowers and sunshine.

I try to make EVERYONE happy so then I am just sort of mediocre. I really don't invite people to hang out with me [the bar doesn't count], I really don't try to hang out with anyone else. So I have a huge group of friends... that I never really hang out with... and the irony of it... it is on my own accord. I know people because I listen and I often analyze and figure them out without them really having to tell me anything. This leads me to appreciating that person without giving them a chance to personally know me or being able to appreciate just hanging out.

Most people know me from either parties, the bar, or Facebook. So in any situation... it is either drunk or online.

I have realized that when I am emotionally hurt... I feel this STRONG urge to deal with it physically. Instead of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way like talking about them or crying it out. I end up drinking and become physically violent. Sounds like a cutter situation but it isn't. I want to punch things and/or get punched. It's a sick way of forgetting about the emotional to deal with the physical. I understand completely that this is a very unhealthy behavior... but what do you do? Nothing because it isn't your problem.

The other night I finally snapped, I drank myself into an oblivion and ended up crying hysterically. I was so emotionally exhausted I called my mom. I never was really good at involving my mom in my personal crisis situations because she always had her own to deal with. Now that my mom has her life under control it seemed she was the only person I could talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me or make me feel worse. So I sat there bawling my eyes out telling my mom everything. We both agreed I need therapy and that I am an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic in the way that I get the shakes or absolutely NEED a drink... but I have known for quite some time that I have a problem. I am what is considered a binge drinker. If I have one... it will not stop there. I will drink until I feel sick or black out. In my DUI class, the group leader always brings me up in some sort of negative way because I think I am one of the few who is actually honest.

• I am a bartender - Bartenders are 80% more likely to be an alcoholic. 
• I have not one but TWO DUI's - I am more than likely to get a third. 
• Everyone in my family is some sort of addict - I am practically 100% at risk of being an addict. 

I am an alcoholic, a smoker, and I am addicted to caffeine. All legal... but all in excess. When I do drink [like I said before] I drink until I can no longer physically take another drink. The only thing that stops me from drinking like that is if I have some person I feel responsible for. Otherwise... party on Wayne. I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day... if I am having a bad day I can smoke close to two packs. My caffeine intake is out of control. I need at least one caffeinated beverage a day to function normally... however, I have been known to drink coffee, then a red bull  then another coffee, then a rock star  and then tea. ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAY. 

The DUI group leader always says he isn't there to tell us we are alcoholics. He did say that to know if we are alcoholics, "If you have had someone concerned about your drinking or if you have ever been concerned about your drinking... you are probably an alcoholic."

"Hi my name is Megan."
 -- "Hi Megan"

I have just been going through it lately dealing with drama, depression, lack of a sufficient income.

This is sort of a weird analogy. But  I feel like this photo I shot earlier this year. I absolutely love this photo for it's simplicity... You focus on the pomegranate and the red board. Pretty. So you look at the photo and go okay how does this relate to what the hell you were just talking about Megan? If you follow the fence line on the diagonal scale... there is a dead pomegranate. It's rotted and gross and I probably could have cut it out of the tree and taken the photo. The problem... I didn't notice the dead pomegranate. Now that I see it however I think about it all the time. Ugly, dead, rotted pomegranate.

Told you this was a weird analogy. Okay. So the picture is like me. Simple, good, well planned, and pretty. This picture makes me happy [I have it as my desktop]. Nobody really notices the rotted pomegranate... but it is still there... ruining the picture. You wouldn't realize it unless you stared at the picture for a long enough time.You just see a fence, red board, and pomegranates.

Does that make sense?

I don't really talk about my problems in person. Granted... I talk A LOT. But never really about anything that stings. I just talk about random stuff. And like I brought up earlier... I have LOTS of friends. Lots of friends I don't really talk to... or even really want to tell negative things to. I have an image that I like to keep. I like being that happy, bubbly, caring person that I normally am. Everyone knows I have issues... because everyone has issues. But I like to contain mine.

With what happened before... I tried to contain. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to talk about it. The only people I talked to were people I trusted. However, I was informed that EVERYONE knows. Not really sure who everyone is... but I have been suspecting EVERYONE is way the fuck too many people.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Okay that is a really dark quote... but in all seriousness. Drama spreads like wildfire. I don't do drama. I like to keep in my own little pod of simplicity. I don't want to lose what I was so happy to obtain. I don't like change but I still know that change is inevitable. FUCK YOU CHANGE.

So anywho. Besides all the other crap I have written in this whiny snot nosed blog.

I, my friends, am a codependent.

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

The definition is pretty broad. Basically I have been a codependent my WHOLE life... even when I was a kid. I place myself below to make others feel better. Hence, why I don't really know how to handle my own emotional onslaught of chaos... I just want to punch things. Another reason why I don't care to really share my emotionally distraught way of thinking... another reason why I have had an insane past of failed relationships... with friends and boyfriends.

I just want you to be happy. 

Another thing that sort of threw me for a loop. The other day I was called a hypocrite and it stung REALLY bad. Like put a little hole in my heart. The reasoning is because I always analyze people and situations. I normally can figure out what kind of childhood a person had, why they react the way the do, a general assumption of any negative things that have happened, and what a person is about within a few times of talking to someone. It seems like I am judging... but I am not judging. Just analyzing and offering advice the best way I can.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO OFFER ADVICE WHEN 

YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP YOURSELF?!

You know that saying that it is easier to see someone else's problems rather than your own? You know how you cannot really analyze your own problems because you are not looking at it from an outside perspective? Yes. That is how I offer advice. I've been through a lot, I've listened to a lot of people, I have studied a bit of psychology, I have read multiple self-help books, and I am a co-dependent... which means I am always looking for a way to help someone else. I don't think I am a hypocrite for not heeding my own advice. I think the way I handle my situations are far from perfect YET I usually analyze the FUCK out of the outcomes and what I want to do.

I deactivated my Facebook account for the whole day of December 22nd. I spent over 24 hours in bed. Laying there with my kitten, puffy eyed, and depressed. I got up a total of 5 times... only to go smoke... then immediately get back into bed. Didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't eat... just slept. Dreaming seemed better than facing the day. Facing people.

Since I slept for so long I woke up finally at 5:30 a.m. and decided that I needed to get back on the saddle. I've drank coffee, put the dishes away and loaded the dishwasher, and wrote this insanely long blog. I am not one to accept pity. I am not one who wants anyone's advice. I just felt the need to unload. Putting myself on blast via the internet is probably not the best way to handle my situation. But it is the one way to relate to others and to get shit off my chest. So no, this is not a cry for help, this is not a pity party, this is not something I want you to think about when you see me. It is an unload of the bag of rocks I have been dragging around with me... it is a way for me to unload without needing to find that violence.

Christmas is almost here and I am not ready. Not in the least. I made some Christmas presents but that is all. I have no money to pay rent... so I have no money to buy presents. I guess it is time to jump back on the Facebook train.