Blogging Because I Have The Time

So I have been thinking about typing up a blog for a minute... but everything is always so chaotic.

Current Financial/Living Status:

Let's see. Regarding me moving to Oregon. Well, I have to set up a court date with my public defender who hasn't returned my call [rude]. I basically have to beg the court to let me move. It almost seems not worth it. I mean, once the time comes where I can no longer tiptoe through the high waters and I finally begin to drown... I will just swim away. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN CALIFORNIA. 

[Plus, leaving my cat behind... it just makes the thought of moving not as appealing.] 

The only reason I have been staying afloat is my friends and family. I mean... Jamie didn't kick me out knowing I couldn't pay her rent [I am just racking up an IOU], my step-mom has helped with gas and food, and my friends help me keep my social realm active. I've never hit a low like this and asking for help has never been my forte. I am a helper... not a helpee. My pride doesn't allow me to ask for handouts... HOWEVER. I always knew if I needed support I have some of the most amazing people in my life and they definitely have proven themselves. You don't forget shit like that. Everyone who has helped me just does it... none of that... "Do you need help Megan?" Cause I say no almost every time.

I want a job that allows me to be happy. I mean I am a ninja at typing and at 10-key, I know all office equipment, I am amazing at multiple phone lines, and I have customer service skills up the wazoo. I just need to find something. I wish I knew how to use QuickBooks. I don't want to bartend again but I will if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I mean I am also even considering getting into a labor job. I just need something that pays more than minimum wage!!! And the VERY LAST thing I want to do is go back into retail. I love people... but I hate people who shop. I don't want to clean up after adults and I definitely don't want to sell crap to people who don't need it. Plus. As you all may know I am a creature of habit. So while working at a bar... I drink. While working in retail... I shop. So if I get a job digging ditches... I will bury people... wait... what?

I WANT BEN HAGGERTY'S BABIES.

My friend bought me a ticket to see Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. I am beyond stoked about it. "Macklemore" just got engaged... and in my little fantasy world... it makes me sad. HAHA. I WANT TO HAVE HIS BABIES. Lol. Total groupie status. But on the reality side of things. I LOVE WHAT HE RAPS ABOUT. He talks about everything that people tend to ignore. Especially having a not so pretty past of my own I find myself relating to what he has to say. *le Sigh*

BUT you want to know what I find to be the coolest part about it? My friend Brooke who no longer even lives in the state of California bought me the ticket. It was one of those genuinely sweet gestures and made my heart super happy. For her to go out of her way to show her appreciation of our friendship was so random but so thoughtful.

"Megan, What are you doing wrong to always get cheated on?"
My buddy asked me that the other day while we were driving. Somewhat of an awkward thought. I am not really sure what I do... but out of the relationships I have had... the ratio is not looking very promising.

- I told a friend of mine how one of my exes is in a relationship where he is actually being honest to the girl, isn't cheating on her, and has really turned his relationship ways around.
- What does my friend do?
- Laugh. 
- His thought on it was... "if he cheated your entire relationship & cheated on other girls he talked to...  he will cheat again." It made my heart heavy. I don't know his current girlfriend, but she seems to be a nice girl. I mean this friend of mine has never met my ex... so it is just his thoughts on cheaters. I really do hope my ex has a normal faithful relationship and that the girl he is with does not cheat on him either. 

Which that in turn, also makes my heart heavy. Always the rule, never the exception. It is somewhat silly but you sort of thing of things like... why wasn't I good enough... or why haven't I been good enough... what does she have that I didn't?

THIS IN NO MEANS IS AN "I WANT MY EX BACK" SITUATION!!! [fuck that shit I've played that game too many times. It is almost like the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yeeeeeeeah. No. ]

I love that fool and I will always love him. He was and still is one of my best friends. [weird I know] But I would never go back to that. We are better as long distant friends than in a relationship.

But in almost every relationship I was some sort of sucker... I treat boyfriends as best friends. I expect them not to lie to me. Like, if you are my best friend... why would you try to hide shit. I know I have had my crazy ass moments... but I am in most cases quite sane when honesty happens. Everyone makes mistakes. Granted. You cannot exactly slip, fall, and put your penis into another woman without having some sort of conscious thought about it... I have gone both ways about it. I have been off my rocker out of my mind... contemplating a life in prison ready to set his house on fire [Think Miranda Lambert's - Kerosene] and I have also been completely calm and did my best at putting faith in the human good and forgiveness and continued to support him. Neither panned out for my benefit.

What can I say... I pick some winners. If you are reading this... you probably know some of them. Great guys... just not in a relationship.

My Online Life:
Everyone knows me through Facebook. They know me more than I know them. Somewhat of a weird concept if you think about it. I seriously have NO IDEA who exactly reads my posts, my blogs, listens to the music I post, laughs at the things I find funny. I mean how many of my 700+ friends know more about me than I know. Actually quite creepy. At a party last night I was greeted by... oh I don't know... 15+ people. Half of them mentioned Facebook. The other half brought up the bar. Bar + Facebook = The people I seem to know. The weird thing is... I almost like it better than way. I like being home and I like having a general audience.

I really should get out more though. If something interesting happens. I don't tell just one person... I TELL THE ENTIRE FACEBOOK COMMUNITY. [Well, certain things I don't discuss... just because that would be a little awkward. Hey let me tell you about my sex life. Bow chica bow wow]

Side note: My cat just jumped down to the ground and licked my leg. He really reminds me of a dog. I just wish I could take him on walks without being weird.

I am undecided on if I want to post this. It has been a few days of coming back to it... writing... saving... walking away... coming back... repeat.

Single & Unemployed...

I have the overwhelming feeling of the word, "Fuck"

Yup. That is pretty much the summary of how I feel. I am sure there is a more appropriate word. But with this feeling you can tell I don't really care. lol. 

I hated bartending anyways. I mean... super fun job and WAY more laid back than any other job you can have... but it drains your soul. Plus... with two DUI's and a binge drinking problem I think that NOT working at the bar is a better thing for me. I even called my Ex, Chris, to talk about it. Our biggest relationship problem is I basically have relationships with bars. I always have. First it was Bottom of the Fifth before I was 21, Thompson's Corner when I turned 21, AC's pub & Grill when I worked there, then The Elmira Cabin when I worked there. He just told me that I was stubborn and that I should really look for a normal job instead of jumping on the same problem bus that I always seem to get on. He also made the point of if I get a job [or two] that are long hours I won't have time to go to the bars and I will be able to save money.

 Side Note: 

Chris legitimately is one of my best friends. We also talked about how it was weird that we could talk about things like me dating and him moving into a house with his girlfriend. He is that one guy that I will forever love but can never be in love with because we are awesome apart and toxic together. We rarely talk but when I need to talk to someone he is always there to be like, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MEGAN?!?!" And I heed his advice. Basically no one knows me like he knows me because of the 7+ years we spent together and he has no ill intentions towards me. We are how divorced couples are supposed to act... except we never got married. lol. 

Speaking of dating. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't really date I just sort of jump into a non-titled relationship. Hook, Line, and Sinker. It is not only my fault though. It isn't like I go super clingy crazy status. It is just how do you talk to more than one person and not feel like a nasty little slut? LOL. I am not even talking about sleeping with people. I am really talking about talking/dating/etc... Why would I want to get to know multiple people all at the same time? I mean I have a terrible memory in the first place and I also seem to have diarrhea of the mouth so if I do happen to talk to more than one person everyone is going to know about it... including the people I am dating. I can't "talk to" more than one person. So then it falls into an exclusive category. Cause if you are only really talking to one person and not even interested in talking to anyone else... and the other person feels the same way.... 

Like I said before... throw up in mouth.

Man. I really over think stuff. I actually signed up for Match.com or something like that... but then immediately deleted the account. For being such an extrovert I am really not into meeting new people... I have a hard enough time balancing out the friends I have now. 

I do know however how I want to be treated. I want to have a best friend who I can stand to be around who genuinely cares about me and my interests and wants me to be happy... even if it means kissing me on the forehead when I am sad panda. lol. For being such a dominant female... I am really just a puppy. I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE. Plus I heard somewhere that it actually boosts endorphin's... lose job and I just want to cuddle. Weird. 

[How does it literally kill?]

Jacob was more of a friend who I just happened to help and sleep with for 6 months. You know... it's casual. We had a few really cute boyfriend/girlfriend moments but I knew it was not a forever thing... it was just a give and take to balance out life. I will say one thing in his defense... once he gets a few years on him and if he doesn't get all fucking tainted by life... he will make some woman an excellent husband. 

My mom wants me to move to Oregon with her. Free place to stay until I find a job and then I could just help with bills and such. I've always talked about moving up there... even before she lived there. I love it there... it is a whole different way of life. However, leaving would be insanely difficult. I've lived in this area for SOOOOOOO long now. There are certain friends that I have a hard time imagining leaving behind. I would have to start over. I would have to make new friends. I would have to deal with all the same shit I have already been through to find friends that I have now and a lot of my friends are SO unique... it would be impossible to replace them. I know only like one person who would make the trip to come see me. But I would live close to all sorts of awesome outdoors stuff, be closer with my family, and have new opportunities. Some people say go and some people say stay. At least I could date people who don't know each other. lol. 

Megan's Corner

... Cause no one puts baby in the corner.

Sometimes I wonder how people really see me. I know you are not supposed to worry about what other's think but honestly we all have some curiosity about it. No one ever really says anything negative to my face [occasionally behind my back but that is inevitable] Whenever people say anything it is all flowers and sunshine.

I try to make EVERYONE happy so then I am just sort of mediocre. I really don't invite people to hang out with me [the bar doesn't count], I really don't try to hang out with anyone else. So I have a huge group of friends... that I never really hang out with... and the irony of it... it is on my own accord. I know people because I listen and I often analyze and figure them out without them really having to tell me anything. This leads me to appreciating that person without giving them a chance to personally know me or being able to appreciate just hanging out.

Most people know me from either parties, the bar, or Facebook. So in any situation... it is either drunk or online.

I have realized that when I am emotionally hurt... I feel this STRONG urge to deal with it physically. Instead of dealing with my emotions in a healthy way like talking about them or crying it out. I end up drinking and become physically violent. Sounds like a cutter situation but it isn't. I want to punch things and/or get punched. It's a sick way of forgetting about the emotional to deal with the physical. I understand completely that this is a very unhealthy behavior... but what do you do? Nothing because it isn't your problem.

The other night I finally snapped, I drank myself into an oblivion and ended up crying hysterically. I was so emotionally exhausted I called my mom. I never was really good at involving my mom in my personal crisis situations because she always had her own to deal with. Now that my mom has her life under control it seemed she was the only person I could talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me or make me feel worse. So I sat there bawling my eyes out telling my mom everything. We both agreed I need therapy and that I am an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic in the way that I get the shakes or absolutely NEED a drink... but I have known for quite some time that I have a problem. I am what is considered a binge drinker. If I have one... it will not stop there. I will drink until I feel sick or black out. In my DUI class, the group leader always brings me up in some sort of negative way because I think I am one of the few who is actually honest.

• I am a bartender - Bartenders are 80% more likely to be an alcoholic. 
• I have not one but TWO DUI's - I am more than likely to get a third. 
• Everyone in my family is some sort of addict - I am practically 100% at risk of being an addict. 

I am an alcoholic, a smoker, and I am addicted to caffeine. All legal... but all in excess. When I do drink [like I said before] I drink until I can no longer physically take another drink. The only thing that stops me from drinking like that is if I have some person I feel responsible for. Otherwise... party on Wayne. I smoke about a pack of cigarettes a day... if I am having a bad day I can smoke close to two packs. My caffeine intake is out of control. I need at least one caffeinated beverage a day to function normally... however, I have been known to drink coffee, then a red bull  then another coffee, then a rock star  and then tea. ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAY. 

The DUI group leader always says he isn't there to tell us we are alcoholics. He did say that to know if we are alcoholics, "If you have had someone concerned about your drinking or if you have ever been concerned about your drinking... you are probably an alcoholic."

"Hi my name is Megan."
 -- "Hi Megan"

I have just been going through it lately dealing with drama, depression, lack of a sufficient income.

This is sort of a weird analogy. But  I feel like this photo I shot earlier this year. I absolutely love this photo for it's simplicity... You focus on the pomegranate and the red board. Pretty. So you look at the photo and go okay how does this relate to what the hell you were just talking about Megan? If you follow the fence line on the diagonal scale... there is a dead pomegranate. It's rotted and gross and I probably could have cut it out of the tree and taken the photo. The problem... I didn't notice the dead pomegranate. Now that I see it however I think about it all the time. Ugly, dead, rotted pomegranate.

Told you this was a weird analogy. Okay. So the picture is like me. Simple, good, well planned, and pretty. This picture makes me happy [I have it as my desktop]. Nobody really notices the rotted pomegranate... but it is still there... ruining the picture. You wouldn't realize it unless you stared at the picture for a long enough time.You just see a fence, red board, and pomegranates.

Does that make sense?

I don't really talk about my problems in person. Granted... I talk A LOT. But never really about anything that stings. I just talk about random stuff. And like I brought up earlier... I have LOTS of friends. Lots of friends I don't really talk to... or even really want to tell negative things to. I have an image that I like to keep. I like being that happy, bubbly, caring person that I normally am. Everyone knows I have issues... because everyone has issues. But I like to contain mine.

With what happened before... I tried to contain. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to talk about it. The only people I talked to were people I trusted. However, I was informed that EVERYONE knows. Not really sure who everyone is... but I have been suspecting EVERYONE is way the fuck too many people.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Okay that is a really dark quote... but in all seriousness. Drama spreads like wildfire. I don't do drama. I like to keep in my own little pod of simplicity. I don't want to lose what I was so happy to obtain. I don't like change but I still know that change is inevitable. FUCK YOU CHANGE.

So anywho. Besides all the other crap I have written in this whiny snot nosed blog.

I, my friends, am a codependent.

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.

The definition is pretty broad. Basically I have been a codependent my WHOLE life... even when I was a kid. I place myself below to make others feel better. Hence, why I don't really know how to handle my own emotional onslaught of chaos... I just want to punch things. Another reason why I don't care to really share my emotionally distraught way of thinking... another reason why I have had an insane past of failed relationships... with friends and boyfriends.

I just want you to be happy. 

Another thing that sort of threw me for a loop. The other day I was called a hypocrite and it stung REALLY bad. Like put a little hole in my heart. The reasoning is because I always analyze people and situations. I normally can figure out what kind of childhood a person had, why they react the way the do, a general assumption of any negative things that have happened, and what a person is about within a few times of talking to someone. It seems like I am judging... but I am not judging. Just analyzing and offering advice the best way I can.

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO OFFER ADVICE WHEN 

YOU ARE SO FUCKED UP YOURSELF?!

You know that saying that it is easier to see someone else's problems rather than your own? You know how you cannot really analyze your own problems because you are not looking at it from an outside perspective? Yes. That is how I offer advice. I've been through a lot, I've listened to a lot of people, I have studied a bit of psychology, I have read multiple self-help books, and I am a co-dependent... which means I am always looking for a way to help someone else. I don't think I am a hypocrite for not heeding my own advice. I think the way I handle my situations are far from perfect YET I usually analyze the FUCK out of the outcomes and what I want to do.

I deactivated my Facebook account for the whole day of December 22nd. I spent over 24 hours in bed. Laying there with my kitten, puffy eyed, and depressed. I got up a total of 5 times... only to go smoke... then immediately get back into bed. Didn't shower, didn't brush my teeth, didn't eat... just slept. Dreaming seemed better than facing the day. Facing people.

Since I slept for so long I woke up finally at 5:30 a.m. and decided that I needed to get back on the saddle. I've drank coffee, put the dishes away and loaded the dishwasher, and wrote this insanely long blog. I am not one to accept pity. I am not one who wants anyone's advice. I just felt the need to unload. Putting myself on blast via the internet is probably not the best way to handle my situation. But it is the one way to relate to others and to get shit off my chest. So no, this is not a cry for help, this is not a pity party, this is not something I want you to think about when you see me. It is an unload of the bag of rocks I have been dragging around with me... it is a way for me to unload without needing to find that violence.

Christmas is almost here and I am not ready. Not in the least. I made some Christmas presents but that is all. I have no money to pay rent... so I have no money to buy presents. I guess it is time to jump back on the Facebook train.

Awake at the deadly hour

You know it is terrible being awake while everyone else sleeps. No matter how you flip it... you are just the asshole who is still awake. So now I am hold up in the garage chain smoking using Jacob's laptop because I cannot use my desktop because I type like the key board stole my lunch money.

[btw... Laptops are much quieter than normal keyboards. I feel like a typing ninja]

Quick update on life. I've lived at Jamie's house for 4 months now. It has been spectacular [with only a minor set back happening recently... I feel an onslaught coming on... maybe it is just me being overly worried because of my assholenish the other day]. I really enjoy living here. My roommates are awesome, pretty simple life and the time has gone by so quickly it is actually quite scary. Not sure if I had mentioned the whole Justin and Jonathan fiasco... but yeah a month and a week and that ended. I still haven't received my deposit. But soon enough. ANYWAYS. Jacob and I have been living together for about the same amount of time that I have lived with Jamie and Amber. We became "official" on September 8th. Weird. It really doesn't matter, we just sorta work well together. I still share too much information but I think that is just my lifestyle. I am an extrovert. It happens. I have always been an online share too much junkie... but then again... what else would you read if I didn't share?? Hmm?

I sorta need a topic to write about. I just seem to be sitting here talking with my fingers to whoever you are. I even went on google to find a "Blog Topic" but I am not trying to really promote anything or make you people any more educated. I am just rambling. I even considered talking about my kitten... but I don't think you really want to read about him. [Even though he is pretty amazing.]

Alright, well I guess I will write about something I have noticed with friends. Why not. You may or may not be one of them. Let us see here...

I've noticed with a lot of my female friends that they don't seem satisfied. [No I am not talking sexually] It actually makes me upset a bit, like you are beautiful, smart, funny, witty, and can roll with the punches... Why are you letting minor bullshit get in your way of happiness?

You are better than you think you are. Seriously. Maybe this doesn't apply to you personally... but try it. Make a happy list. [It is quite entertaining once you get the ball rolling. I have told MULTIPLE people to do it... but I doubt anyone really listens.]

So while I am going to get off topic. Here is my happy list TODAY [it changes from time to time and even though some of the things didn't happen to day... thinking about them make me happy.]

• Buying other people things they don't expect is something that I totally get a kick out of. I dunno. It could be just something random I see at the store that makes me think of them... of course I can't do it always BUT when I can it makes me happy. [Try it. It is pretty awesome]
•  Laying on the carpet during the day when the sun is out and taking a nap. Cats do it all the time... there is a reason. IT FEELS AMAZING.
• Frolicking for no reason other than an AWESOME song is on. Get other people to do it with you and it multiplies the AWESOME impact.
• Typing blogs. Sometimes I get somewhat wary of writing anything. I mean putting yourself out there or talking about things that are taboo is somewhat intimidating but when I do it I almost always feel confident in my decision. Half the stuff I write about can relate to someone. Maybe not everyone... but hell. At least I get it out there and you know that you aren't alone either.
• Writing nice things about other people. When is the last time you went to someone else's facebook page and told them how much you appreciate them? Doing it all the time is overkill but I got a message today and it made me smile. I hope when I write about other people they feel the way I felt.
• Grocery shopping with Jacob. Yeah, sort of weird... but you know what. I am so use to split up and attack the isles that it is sorta nice just walking about the store figuring out what to buy. [Paying for it sucks... but the shopping part is nice]
• Tipping well. I am in the living off tips business... so I know how happy you can make someone. 

Okay now that I have given you some examples... try it. AAAAAAAAAAND on to the next topic [I finally thought of something]

SHIT TALKING. [Way to kill the mood, eh?] We all have done it and we all will continue to do it. I've talked, you've talked, we've probably talked together, maybe you have even talked about me. All this talk talk talk. The real question behind it is would you own up to it? I mean... if the person you were talking about confronted you about it... [cause let's get real... it ALL comes back around one way or another at some point] would you be honest or be defensive? I take the owning up to it route... I mean... if I think it... well, you might as well hear it from the donkey's mouth right? At least you get the full on impact of what I was saying instead of some telephone type ending. A friend of mine was at the bar and was telling another person that if she heard anyone talking shit she would undoubtedly fight them. For me, I find this unnecessary. If someone doesn't like me. Well, hats off to them. I find it humorous. I've been the awkward kid before and I will always be that awkward kid. [You don't really grow out of it... you just grow bigger and stronger. lol] I mean I have had some nasty little rumors spread... There are two times that shit talking pisses me off.

1. When the information is false or one sided. If you have a question or comment... please. Be my guest. I am not here to get all "WHAT OH NO NO NO I DIDN'T DO THAT" If I did it I own up to it. The more you try to hide shit, the more shit falls out of the closet when you aren't paying attention. Might as well air out the dirty laundry... that way the stench doesn't stick around.
2. Eh, that is about it. HAHAHAHAHA there is no 2nd one. It is just that one. LOL.

I really don't have anything else to talk about. I am actually tired now. All this thinking and rationalizing thoughts this late/early is making my brain hurt. 

Relationships And Battle Axes

A lot of my blogs have been about relationships, sex, and then a combination of other junk. I figured I would talk about marriage because well... it seems to be that time. 

[If you were recently married, are getting married, or have been married for awhile... I am not talking about YOU. This is just a blog about my personal thoughts that sprouted up from a bar conversation]

Lets Get Personal:
Once upon a time... I refused the thought or even talk about marriage. I figured I would forever just be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and not have to deal with the legal crap that comes with a divorce [Divorce runs in my family.] Well, after a 7 ½ year off and on relationship there came a point in that relationship that I was ready and willing to get married. After many discussions and thinking I could spend the rest of my life with that person. It took the last year for me to REALLY get into it. I had planned our life, our wedding, and what would happen. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT is the entire year that I was all goo-goo ga-ga over getting married... was the year that we fell apart. I was SO focused on our future, that the relationship itself failed. Irony I guess you could say. 

Seems like people don't appreciate what they have until it is gone

It has been over a year since we have split... currently I believe he is happy in a relationship and has gotten on the road of getting what he wants out of life. I am genuinely happy for him. He will always be my best friend and I know that if in a bind I could call him or he could call me and we would help each other through any situation... but we were toxic in a romantic relationship. I was trying to make him be someone he wasn't and he was doing the same to me. 

So if I had accepted his marriage proposal we would have continued to be the same people we weren't. I would be drowning in an attempt to be "perfect" and he would be trying to go out and get his fill of "excitement" 

"You know I don't understand why people are sympathetic for a break-up... obviously it is a reason to celebrate. It wasn't like 'Oh we are so happy let's break up' There was something wrong"

The point is, getting married would not fix the relationship. It would just require legal documentation for a break-up. Marriages DO NOT FIX RELATIONSHIPS. [oh yeah... babies don't either... just saying]


Onto the general aspect:
So you have this push to get married and have babies. Honestly though the average lifespan is WAAAAAY more than it use to be. Why rush into something?

It sounds like I am knocking marriage. Which I am not. I think marriage is romantic. You are giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. That is a huge thing! I mean... THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That is a long damn time.

Anyways. Let's move back for a second. Before you get married, you are in a relationship. You meet someone you find them funny and attractive. You have to go through this whole getting to know each other stage. That... awkward uncomfortable "Oh god I hope I don't have anything in my teeth" stage. So you go through that stage and find out more about the person and then you move into the relationship part. Then you have the check-in's and cuddle at home and watch movies in sweat pants stage. From their you become more comfortable... yet, you still find things out about the person that are not exactly what you expected. Walls come down, the past presents itself, and the make-it or break-it comes out. Sometimes this stage doesn't happen until you move in together. I mean people do some really weird stuff. [this is just a general outline... doesn't always play out that way... especially since my current relationship has been so ass backwards it isn't even funny. lol We were friends then moved in together then got into a relationship. lol]

I know a lot of my single friends are going through this NOW OR NEVER feeling and settling for people that may or may not be good for them... It all takes time. Recently I have discovered that it is not about the past, it is not about the future, it is ALL about right now. I finally am in something that I am happy with... I am not counting on the future and I am not dwelling on what has happened in past relationships. I am just here right now and he makes me happy and I want to make him happy. It is the simplest feeling I have ever felt and it has never been more awesome.

Last time I was in Reno I had this rough night where I broke off from the group I was with and went to this little hotel bar and sat there getting HAMMERED by myself. One of the other people from the group found me sitting at the bar and sat down where I had this "FUCK RELATIONSHIPS AND FUCK GUYS  FUCK GIRLS AND FUCK THIS AND FUCK THAT AND I AM GOING TO BE SINGLE FOREVER AND I WILL HAVE MY OWN DAMN BABY BY MY OWN DAMN SELF I WILL BE A SINGLE PARENT REGARDLESS AND FUCK WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY AT THE WORLD" Yep. Angry sad panda Megan [who definitely has a potty mouth] The guy sat with me trying to change my view, saying that I would find someone and I would be okay and that all is good in the world. Well, after the lies and bullshit that came with the last guy I was seeing... I came to the point where I am now. I am genuinely happy and although I am not counting my chicks before they hatch. Things will be okay for me.

It is hard to believe you will be okay after a break-up or when you are single... but everything comes full circle you just have to leave the past hurt behind you. It is a new thing and you cannot treat the new person as you treated the old person.

Learn from your mistakes but don't carry them around like a battle axe, because you will only cut off your own limbs. 

I get so sidetracked while typing that my brain cannot process all the information in a smooth moving blog. There is more I wanted to say but it got lost in the past and the present and everything else.

The main point of this was marriage is about loving someone with all their flaws being able to communicate effectively and depend on one another for support. A relationship is not about flowers and cute text messages but about the friendship that is deeper and more personal than any other. It is about having someone who can love you for who you are and even with disagreements and fights. It is about teamwork trying to push forward in life all the while stopping to enjoy the little moments. It is about little gestures and late night discussions. It is about the good and the bad and the crazy. It is about the both of you and the balance that you can find from having each other.

Just pawns in this game of life.

I woke up in a fury of thoughts this morning because I was over-thinking everything last night. Now there is no strict way of writing for me. I babble, hence the name of the blog... so try to stay with me on this one. 

I am going to mention politics. Of course, politics has never been my game and I honestly have not been studying the course of action for the presidential candidates. The thing that has been getting to me is this "War on Women" 

I just do not understand how politics have to be involved with my reproduction rights... It seems that things have shifted from gay rights to women's rights in the last 4 years. Yes, the battle of the LGBT right to marry is still raging on and I am supportive of it. I DON'T CARE WHO ANYONE MARRIES, IF YOU WANT IT DO IT!!! People get married for all types of reasons, what right do I have telling anyone who they can and can't marry... we have men and women doing it all the time for wrong reasons so if you actually want to marry the person you are in love with and get the benefits of it I support it. 

Anyways, the thing about this whole War on Women thing. I understand people are upset about abortions, trust me... I have heard every reason why it is wrong... I just cannot fathom WHY it has anything to do with anyone else. Are you going to be supporting the baby once it is born? Why aren't all these pro-lifers adopting babies? Do they realize when abortions became legal, crime rates went down? DO YOU KNOW WHY CRIME RATES WENT DOWN? BECAUSE ALL THE BABIES THAT WERE GOING TO BE NEGLECTED THEN TURNING INTO CRIMINALS WERE NOT BEING BORN! I believe a fetus in the first trimester has no feelings, it is just a grouping of cells... in it's most animalistic state. Once a baby is born it has gained the necessities to actually survive [although we as humans have lost our "instincts" from poor evolution] Regardless, I don't understand why fetuses are being protected while babies, children, and women ARE NOT. 

 And then there is this guy Todd Akin running for senate that was trying to change "rape" to "forcible rape"... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I have never heard of a woman [OR MAN] who has been raped be like, "Oh yeah, well if you are going to do it... please go ahead." You know the sick part... is I know A LOT OF PEOPLE who have been raped, molested, sexually abused. More than you would actually spot... and a lot of rapes are never reported. I know, because I have talked to people and I actually don't know of anyone who has... and I never reported mine... DUN DUN DUUUUUN. [Nothing changes if we all keep our dirty little secrets.] 

Well damn it. Now I am all pissed off. All this presidential stuff and propaganda and legitimate bull shit was making me think last night. 

WE ARE ALL JUST A BUNCH OF PAWNS

I mean if you think about it. The president doesn't control the United States... it is a face for the public. We as the general population are being placed against one another over rights... maybe this election has brought in women's rights to divert us from the big problems that have been swept under the rug. We are just a bunch of sub-cultures battling each other while the real problems are oblivious to us. It is like in movies where the government doesn't tell the population the dirty on anything because it will spring panic. How much is being hidden from us? 

All this thinking is seriously making my brain hurt. [Insert blonde joke here] but seriously it is like there is no real answer... only more questions and more unknown.

Orgasms because you may or may not know this.

The ORGASM. Dun dun duuuuun. It is so damn taboo but all of us pretty much want it... some men joke about it, some men are embarrassed by it, and ALL of them think about it [because women think about it too!]. Well the thing that makes me upset about the whole orgasm thing is that men know how to achieve it with themselves. You touch your penis and ta-da... it feels good. You rub it and holy hell you just released a load onto your bed sheets. God forbid you have a woman [or man depends on your forte] involved with it.

The thing about women is it is not something especially talked about. I mean even me... as submerged into the sexual world as I have allowed [I wanted to be a sexologist, opening my own adult store geared towards women's sexuality and education promoting healthy sexual behaviors for women... but GoodVibes in the City beat me to it... 20-years before I was born...] I hate the word: Vagina. IT IS SO WEIRD TO SAY.

Both sexes have the four phases of sexual response. Called the Masters and Johnson's Four-Phase Model

• Excitement
• Plateau
• Orgasm
• Resolution

So not everyone is the same but this a SUPER-GENERAL-BREAKDOWN

• Excitement 
• in both Men and Women
• Increase in blood pressure and heart rate
• Nipple erections [Most common in females]
• in Men
• Penis becomes erect
• Testes elevate and engorge
• Scrotal skin thickens and tenses
• in Women
• Clitoris swells
• Labia majora separate away from vaginal opening
• Labia minora swell and darken in color
• lubrication begins 
• Uterus elevates
• Breasts enlarge
• Plateau
• in both Men and Women
• Involuntary muscle contractions especially in hands and feet
• Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing increase
• in Men
• Engorgement and elevation of testes becomes more pronounced
• "Pre-Cum" may occur
• in Women
• Clitoris withdraws under its hood
• Uterus becomes fully elevated
• Areola becomes more swollen
• ORGASM
• in both Men and Women
• Involuntary muscle spasms throughout the body
• Blood pressure, breathing, and heart rates at maximum levels
• Involuntary contractions of rectal sphincter 
• in Men
• Pooling of seminal fluid
• Semen expelled by contractions of muscles around the base
• in Women
• Orgasmic platform contracts rhythmically 3 to 15 times
• Uterine contractions occur
• Clitoris remains under its hood
• Resolution
• in both Men and Women
• Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing resume to normal immediately after orgasm
• Sex flush disappears rapidly
• Nipple erection subsides slowly
• in Men
• Erection subsides in over a period of a few minutes
• Testes descend and return to their normal size. 
• Resolution quite rapid in most men
• in Women
• Clitoris descends and engorgement slowly subsides
• Labia return to unaroused size
• Uterus descends to normal position
• Lack of orgasm after period of high arousal may dramatically slow resolution.

Many women get caught at the Plateau stage. But there are different kinds of orgasms for a woman. You have clitoral stimulation, internal which includes a G Spot orgasm(which G stands for the GUY it was named after... Grafenberg), and somewhere between those is the "squirt" which even with all the books I have read on the subject I STILL have not found an article explaining it.

It normally takes a woman longer than a man in the excitement phase. Normally their is some sort of social stigma attacking our brains. But once we get passed our constant thought processes we can finally hit the plateau stage... the only problem... foreplay was finished a long time ago and they are in their resolution stage. [Not always... but I am just saying... foreplay is important]

Not all women are the same [just like not all men are the same] I know women who HATE oral, some who love it, I know women who hate being touched and others that need to have clitoral or internal stimulation before even THINKING about sex, I know women who love anal, and others who would probably deck someone in the face if it happened, I know women who want to be touched and kissed softly and women who want things to be rough, I know women who use vibrators before and during sex. I mean seriously... the combinations are ENDLESS.... and it is pretty messed up because women expect men to know.

That's about all I am going to say.