Bathtubs, Dreams, and Other things

So a dream I had more recently has been weirding me out. 

I was in a clawfoot bathtub, how I fit so perfectly I don't know. I was just laying there naked and underwater... my eyes were open and everything seemed murky but I could see my hair floating around my face. Nothing else. That was the whole dream but it seemed like it was ongoing.

I felt calm, I am not sure if I was breathing or not. I am not sure if I was drowning or not... I just know that nothing mattered. SO. I looked up the meaning...

To see or be in a bathtub in your dream suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying.  

To dream that you are underwater suggests that you are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation. You need to gain greater control of your life.  

To dream that you are breathing underwater represents a retreat back into the womb. You want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. Perhaps you are feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and to care for yourself. Alternatively, breathing underwater is analogous to being submerged in your own emotions. 

To see muddy [The water in my dream was murky .. like a cloudy white color] or dirty water in your dream indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, the dream suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. 

To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged.

So from this dream analysis I currently am suffering from:

a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems

are being overcome with emotions and are in over your head regarding some situation.

want to return to a state where you were dependent and free from responsibilities. 

feeling helpless, unable to fulfill your own needs and to care for yourself.

wallowing in your negative emotions.

submerged in your own emotions. 

your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded.

fear of being found out and exposed over your activities.

I need to: 

rid myself of the burdens that you have been carrying. 

gain greater control of my life.  

take some time to cleanse my mind and find internal peace.

Uhm. Wait what? Wasn't I just blogging about how uncontrollably happy I was? What the fuck has happened? A lot actually. Basically my mind is like a flood gate. I pin my flood gate shut and dump buckets of water [unhappy things] behind my flood gate. This can be at a slow pace or a shockingly increased rate depending on my current life conditions. So as I am throwing water behind the gate I forget about the water I have emptied there. It sits for days, for weeks, for months, and occasionally even years. Then on some random unexpected day... someone will pull the pin. Of course, they don't realize they pulled the pin... but it happens. Then all of a sudden I will become overwhelmed with all these past insecurities, questions, memories, feelings, doubts, etc... All those buckets of water come rushing out. So I spend some time floating in all these not so positive things... splashing about. Until at some point I either find a way to drain the water or start using my bucket to put it back behind the flood gate. 

Does that make sense? 

Pretty much a crazy way to explain how someone handles negative things. I mean it doesn't mean that my happiness is any less genuine... when I am happy I AM INSANELY HAPPY... I just want to laugh, frolic, and hug random people as much as I possibly can be allowed to without getting the police called on me. I seriously will LOVE life. Like... omgIamsohappybecauseofthebirdsandthebeesandIwanttosnuggleandblowbubblesanddancenakedunderthemoonlightwhilelisteningtothebreezeofahotsummernight kind of love. lol. This is how I normally feel. I like to feel good and I like others to feel good too.

But the underlying problem is that I do not handle negative situations in the proper way. It is a defense mechanism. I know it, you know it, we alllllllll know it. So now it comes down to how do I fix it? I was asked, "Well what's wrong Megan? What is the problem?"

I don't know what the problem is, is the problem. So basically the advice that the dream analysis is giving me has to be correct. But where the fuck do you start?

I write blogs, not tragedies.

It is harder to title my blog than it is to write it. Odd.

So we have survived 2013. So many crazy things that have happened over the last year...

Lost my job, Michelle died, Hailey died, Jackie died, Wilcox went to prison, Adam, Adam, and Ashley moved to Germany, I went through a weird depression living in Winters, had two of the shortest relationships in my entire relationship career... You know... lots of negative shit. Had more than one ex boyfriend try to get into my pants using bullshit lines and allowed negative people to influence my mood. But there has been tons of positive stuff too! I got out of the bar scene, helped out friends throughout, got to go out to the lake and party with friends, got a new job that I absolutely love, met tons of new people, had some awesome parties, figured out where I belonged, got to go to the snow, started up at the gym, went on an adventure by myself to Fort Bragg, my mom got married which made my family grow, friends had babies... seriously. Loads of awesome things happened last year.

I still don't understand the new year new me thing. I guess it is just kind of like everything else. One person does it so everyone else does it. Nothing changes over night. Everything has its processes... baby steps and if you want something... you just need to start it. Not because everyone else is doing it.

Here is a list of shit I am currently working on:
Sticking with the gym/drinking more water/eating healthier
Getting my money right/saving
Keeping my car/room clean
Make a plan on either how I can pay off the courts or set it up where I spend weekends in jail to pay off my debt. [I really don't want to pay them financially... plus being in jail would help me save money. Can't spend it while locked up. Plus, I would be saving Jamie money by not being home.]
And I have to go to AA for 28 days.

The one thing I have noticed a lot lately is that a lot of people are SO FUCKING NEGATIVE about everything. Life is too short to bitch about things you have no control over. [like I am bitching now. lol] I just wish some of the more negative people in my life could find their happy place. It isn't that bad... you know none of us are getting out alive might as well enjoy the time we have.

I went to an AA meeting today in Fairfield. I've been before... I actually don't mind them. I feel like I am cheating the system because I know at this point right now I am not going to quit drinking. So even though I am court ordered and they know this... I feel like it is unfair. Yes, I am on the path to being an alcoholic... maybe I am one. [more likely than not I am...] but they know I am not clean & sober and they are okay with it... keep coming back. That is the motto. Plus, going really makes me want to be sober but I am not ready for the life change... I like beer too much. LOL. I do know that I have a problem with the bar. If I go out I will spend money... some days I can go to the bar and get shit faced and not spend a dime... other days I go and get shit faced and help other people get shit faced and blow almost all my money. [yes... there is the problem. weird]

There has been a lot of shit on my mind lately. I keep adding to a list of things I want to accomplish...

• Become a certified personal trainer
• Learn to blow glass
• Make candles, soaps, and lotion
• Take the hunters safety course
• Learn to handle guns more than what Adam taught me
• Successfully french braid my hair
• Deadlift [lol, I am so afraid to attempt it in fear of hurting myself] 
• Plant a garden
• Become CPR certified
• Ride a horse
• Go to the California Academy Of Sciences
• Get into the San Francisco Sexual Education training course
• Catch a fish and gut it

That is just the couple I can currently think of. I also want to do a photo series I have a couple ideas lined up I just need to start scheduling and getting props/materials

I took my boots to get re-soled. I won't have them back until the 16th, I am very distraught about this. LOL. Still need to buy my Carhartt jacket and get my browning hat. I may not be a cowgirl or even a hunter but that "look" is way more comfortable than the girly shit [and much warmer even though I still wear flip flops almost everyday]. I've never been really good at the girly shit anyways. PLUS, when I finally do go girly everyone is in complete shock. OH MY GOD MEGAN YOU ARE A FEMALE. Yes, yes I am.Thank you for reminding me I have a vagina... I guess I forgot... SINCE I CARRY THESE GUNS AROUND WITH ME ALL THE TIME. bwhahahaahahhaah

Okay. Next thought. We just successfully escaped the holidays... and as soon as you walk into a store..

VALENTINES DAY IS HERE. 

Seriously what the fuck? CAN I JUST GET A BREAK. haha. Valentine's day never really goes well for me anyways. I usually go all out or not at all. A long time ago I read a book 10001 Ways To Be Romantic... and one thing really stuck. Romance should not happen once a fucking year. Lol. If you enjoy someone you should show them as often as you can. One cute story was of a man who would plant a flower garden where his wife could see it from the second story of their home. Each year he would plant flowers but spell something out in them... that way when they would bloom she would be able to look out each morning and be reminded of how much he loved her. Swoon, bitches... you know you did... cause I did when I read it. The whole book is just full of cute things for men and women to do for each other... everything can be molded for your relationship. I never have understood why men are supposed to be the romantic ones. It should be a two way street. So if you are reading this and you are in a relationship maybe you should think of something romantic to do for your significant other. Boom. I said it. DO IT BEFORE VALENTINES DAY TOO. [But still get something for Valentines day... we say we don't care but it sucks when other people get shit and you dont. Just saying]

So far in 2014... I have learned about drag boats, officially became a girlfriend, cleaned the garage with Jamie, and had a friend pass away. It's only day three. I know bad will come. It is just life... and there are a few things I am nervous about. But I am glad to be alive. I have been so blessed I cannot even explain it. I am far from financially ok and I am far from being where I want to be... but I can most definitely say I am overwhelmed with joy by my way of thinking and handling situations. 

Coming from the past where I was all sorts of fucked in the head... I mean I hated myself, I hated everyone else, I suffered from co-dependency, got into relationships that were not exactly healthy, spent time with people who were negative, allowed myself to critique every single aspect about myself... If I couldn't do it I wouldn't do it... and if I didn't have someone who agreed with me I would change my view or what I wanted to do. [oh. You don't want to go to this... okay... well I guess I don't have to go to it either... kind of shit] I've always been a force to be reckoned with but it had been hiding underneath all the guilt, shame, misunderstandings, and lack of self. Basically I have battled myself over the years... I have always had that core... but failed to project it. 

So this is it. I can finally say 100% that I love myself. I love the person I have become. I love the fact that I can be ANYWHERE and talk to ANYONE about ANYTHING. I love the fact that I care about people, genuinely. You may not have anything I need from you... but I may have something you need from me... and maybe one day the tables will turn.... but right now... I appreciate you and I hope you feel the same. I have my weird little deaf cat who absolutely adores me and I adore him too... so what if I am a crazy cat lady? I have found out that what people think of you DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. We are who we are... I mean... if you are an asshole. Well, then you are just an asshole... it doesn't matter what I think [although I think you would be much happier not being an asshole but to each their own.] I do not need approval from people. I can dress how I want, do what I want, and be who I want. Yes, I have days of wavering doubt... but in the end I know I have an awesome group of people who love me as weird as I am and they wouldn't want to change me for the world. I love how I can find something positive in anything and I love how I can laugh at everything. 

Seriously. Life is too short to worry about the future, shit... You may not live to see it. So you might as well be who you are, love yourself, love others, and try to make the world a better place even by just smiling. 

  Well that is all for now...

 Crazy cat lady and her odd fuzzy friend signing off

Random As I Can Be...

So I seen a friend of mine who is completely and 100% my push. I know she would deny it but she is the person who knows how I feel about my goal in life... At some point in my life I decided I wanted to be a Sexologist to promote healthy sexual behaviors and education for women. WELL GUESS WHAT! She met someone who found classes... San Francisco Sexual Information Training. It happens twice a year and you have to go through an interview process that lasts anywhere from 90-120 minutes. The tuition is based on a sliding scale so I could technically take the classes for only about $300 but all the way up to $800. The applications aren't available yet... but will be soon. I may never own an adult store but I will have the education to help others understand themselves and others to prevent absurd judgements and untangle the web of taboo that covers sexuality for not only women but for men too. [I still find it absolutely insane that the sex education is predominantly porn for men and pretty much fairytales for women... and we wonder why everyone has such a difficult time.]

The Holidays. IT'S ALMOST OVER! I have actually had a wonderful time with the holidays this year. I don't expect much and then it is like "WOW WHAT A GREAT TIME" I know two things for sure. I absolutely love my family. They know I am off my rocker but they love me anyways. <3 Also I love my friends... just being able to have a little one on one time with some of them made Christmas eve totally worth it. Now if I can just make it through new years that would be lovely. It's been two years since New Years day where I broke a mirror, bled everywhere, cauterized the wound on a tail pipe but failed, then bled even more. This past new years I was not breaking things... but definitely don't remember a lot of it. I spend New Years Eve with my little sister every years so I keep my drinking to a minimum as to protect her... then New Years Day I just drink until I don't exactly know what I am doing... then feel like shit the next day. It really doesn't make much sense. SO this year I am going to keep my tradition with Amy but break the New Years Day chaos of being completely annihilated. Baby steps.

One day when I was super bored I was just sitting there picturing what I want my life to be like and this is what I thought up:

• I want a house with a wrap around porch, clean but vintage.
• If the house isn't the way I want it when I buy it I want to be a part of the remodeling... yes. I want to play with power tools too. 
• I want the house decor to be darker colors like reds, greens, but with light wood accents. I know it sounds weird.. but I have seen it done. Kind of cabin-esk. "Homey"
• I want land. Not an insane amount... but enough to ride a quad on, have chickens, and a garden AND bees. 
• I want to live far enough from my neighbors but close enough to town. 
• I want trees and a creek. 
• I want a dog and a fenced in yard so the dog cannot run off. 
• I want a garage that is big enough for not only work to be done but a place to hang out and drink beer. I don't think I will ever not love beer. lol.
• I want a craft room inside... big enough to where I could store the many different required tools of the many different things I want to learn to do. 
• I want a guest bedroom so I could have people stay the night after drinking too many beers in the garage. Or maybe have a granny flat over the garage? 
• I want to have people over for dinner and weird games like pictionary.

Holiday Hell

Over the years the holidays have become less and less important to me. I mean, I enjoy what it is meant to be about... getting together with the family and seeing friends. Spending time with people you love and showing them how much you appreciate them with gifts. 

However, why don't we do this year round? I mean you have Thanksgiving... then a month later you have Christmas... then a week later you have new years. Then you spend the rest of the year waiting for it to come back around again. Even as a kid, when my parents were still married... I remember waking up Christmas morning opening presents... playing with the toys and then... that was it. ALL THE ANTICIPATION JUST TO GET STUFF. We didn't really have any type of family tradition. I've always been jealous of people who did things... like played board games... etc... Quality family time because no one had work. 

Even on that sense... when I was in a long term relationship there was SO MUCH PRESSURE. We would have to hit all these houses because we both were from broken homes. Run run run run... then nothing. It's kind of disappointing. 

If I ever have a family I think what I am going to do it just warp the whole system. A friend of mine mentioned on Facebook how she does not tell her kids about Santa Claus because it teaches them to lie... but she teaches them Christmas is about Jesus... Another friend did the same thing with her kids... her reasoning was because her mom asked for red roller skates for Christmas as a child and instead since her family was poor at the time she got something small and her cousin got the red roller skates she had wanted... she felt disappointed... was she not good enough that year for Santa to bring her something she wanted? There will always be good years and there will be bad years. 

My nephew currently is SPOILED. He gets an insane amount of stuff... each year the stuff will become more and more expensive and he will not appreciate those "Things" as much. I work my ASS off for a paycheck that is gone before I can even pretend to save... he gets so much stuff the value of it goes down and will be thrown in a pile of all the other things he has gotten. [His grandma on his dad's side wants to buy him a cell phone. Jayden is 6.] 

So back to my warped idea. Maybe break Christmas up over the 12 months of Christmas. LOL. Pick a day out of the month and do a family get together where everyone hangs out eats and just enjoys the company of each other? I don't know... the "Want" that happens with Christmas disgusts me, I still feel it even as an adult. I want people to buy me stuff... but I mean I want things that are out of control... like a new computer, a new phone, new tires, new boots, new new new new new new. -_- We are programed. I want to spend time with my family but I feel bad. I cannot buy everyone nice things or even things they really need. It is just something that they can use and I will be able to give them so I don't look like an asshole. 

It is a pressured holiday... especially for broke bitches like me. Then you have the guilt if someone buys you something and you don't get them something... or if you do a gift exchange and your gift isn't as great as the one you gave... or visa versa. Pretty fucking sick. Greed and vanity. 

Anyways if you want to read a funny blog check out Christine's 

Taming the Untamable

It has been awhile since I have sat down and wrote a blog. I guess my mind has been so scattered and chaotic it is hard to focus on just writing. [It doesn't help that I write as I go on Facebook]

I think my plan of action is to break this one up a bit. Have a little organization to my mental absurdities. [Sounds good to me.]

Random babble
Life update
Friend topic
Motivational topic
Random babble


Dude. It is almost Thanksgiving. Where the hell did 2013 go? Last year this time was a really odd time with the whole beginning of a breakup, the boyfriend moving out, and the holidays rearing it's evil head. haha. Crazy how fast time passes.

As for as life. It's pretty much the same shit on a different day, although the shit seems to smell like roses lately. I enjoy my job, although I wish I had a bigger hand in the money making aspect of it... the company is like family. I am actually going over to their house for Thanksgiving... as long as I don't drink too much I think I should be fine and if all else fails... I will walk my happy little drunk ass over to Gayle's house. [surprise Gayle. lol]

The gym is SO much better than when I first started. I actually can look people in the face, I can lift more, and I finally understand why people kind of avoid me... I keep my game face on for the whole duration of the visit up until I find someone I know... then I become normal chatty excited Megan again. Otherwise. Game face allllll day.

I keep getting the same question and I keep giving the same answer. "So what's your goal?" I say to get to a competition standard, I think I am lying though. I don't think I have a hard line goal. It's more of... I just want to be healthy and look healthy. I like being able to lift heavy stuff. I like being able to compete with myself and no one else... [hence why I never got into sports.] And that is why I would not get into competitive body building. Ta-da! [Weird that I just solved an issue in my head because I was typing it out for you] So basically, I work out because I want to. I enjoy it. It is nice to see how far I can push myself and it gives me a healthy alternative to drinking. Boom.

Healthy and I don't get along well though. Still smoke, still drink, still eat fast food, still love candy, still love energy drinks... I tried cooking for a week [you all should know this if you follow my instagram lol] It was great. I really enjoyed it and I think I do a pretty damn good job of it. HOWEVER. The time and effort needed is a lot. Plus, it sucks cooking for one. It sucks even more eating alone.

Still as single as a slice of American Cheese. But you know... it has occurred to me even more recently that thing happen for a reason. I meet people in the strangest of ways... and sometimes getting to know someone is the best part.

I dropped my photography class. Not because I don't like photography. Not because I don't like the teacher. Simply because 1. I was NOT motivated to do the assignments. 2. The hours sucked.... 5 hours in one classroom... no. No thank you. I do need to get on this photography game though. I need that spark back. I just haven't had the urge to REALLY shoot. Statistics is... well... going? I don't know I just need it so I can finish this damned degree... I don't even need a degree... I just figured as much time and effort put into school I should have something to show for it... besides this super sassy creative brain of mine. O_O

And on to the next subject....

Friend Topic: What's your take on mutual friends siding with one or the other person from a relationship gone south? Do you take sides? And if so, why?

I actually deal with this more often than not. It makes it tricky because when a relationship goes to shit you have normally made friends of the other person... especially in long term relationships. I personally stay mutual between the two friends. They can vent, bitch, and complain... but I don't ever take a solid side. If the person is being unrealistic about their venting I politely say that I disagree or just tell them that they are being out of line. You can't have friends talking shit about other friends... but you can't make them hold in their feelings. Also, you have to keep in mind that one of them may be trying to get the scoop on the other one's current situation. Don't say shit. It's none of your business to share. Plus, it will make the friendship STRICTLY based upon the other persons current life.

So in result. You can stay friends with both parties. You can love them just the same. You can listen to their rants... but stay out of it. Don't repeat the information and don't stir the pot. When and if they get back together you still want to be a neutral party. Cause if you had been the messenger of bad news you are then made the untrusted.

I have lost a few friends over time because of ex-boyfriends, but the majority have stuck with me. Through and through. <3 I have even made new friends because of ex-boyfriends. Weird.

ANYWAYS.

My motivation SUCKS right now. I feel like I am in some sort of rut. My rooms a mess, my cars a mess, my life is just kind of a mess. haha. I wish I was making more money so I could do the things I want to but to have more money you have to have a job that takes more time. Evil fucking cycle. I like lists... so here is a random ass to do list.

YAY FOR LISTS LIST

• Quit being a lazy bum and clean my room. I need to go through my stuff and toss things again. I have all this storage space in drawers but nothing is quite organized. I just have stuff. I hate stuff. 
• My car needs to be cleaned out and detailed. -_- I also need to fix my trunk lock. Who breaks the lock to their trunk? Oh yes, that would be me. I also need to quit fucking off and buy new tires. The rain is here and I cannot afford an accident... not only for my cars sake but for my freedoms sake. 
• I need to make a plan for Christmas presents this year. I don't know why I wait so long... oh wait... yes. I do. Facebook and lack of money. I also want to do Christmas cards this year... that I need to start now.

Weird. That is all I can think of at the moment. 

So I went to my sister's wedding over the weekend, she is marrying her middle school sweetheart... they are having a baby soon too. It was a great and very fun wedding and I cannot wait to meet my niece. I LOVE BABIES!!!

However, on top of that... my lovely long term ex decided to tell me that if he gets the job he wants [that he interviewed for] he is going to propose to his current girlfriend of one-year and hopefully start having babies when he turns 30. Granted. I have NO WANT to have anything romantic with my ex... but the fact we were together for so long and they have been together no where near the amount of time we were and he is going to just jump on that marriage train... slightly makes me want to punch him in the face feel bad for myself. However... looking past the fact he is so eagerly going to get married makes me feel like I am nearing some sort of fucked up unspoken deadline. I don't even have anyone I am dating at the moment and I am talking about marriage. How crazy can women get? Let me tell you... fucking bat shit crazy. My mom was telling me at Hannah's wedding that my wedding will be as awesome as hers... as sweet as it is... it just felt... bad? I already have a general idea of what I want my wedding to be... but I just kept telling my mom I was going to elope. She didn't find it funny. As I look back on the relationships that I have had though... would I really want to be married to any of them? No... probably not. Not that they weren't totally amazing at some point or another... but if anyone is going to make me feel less of a person or make me sob like a little bitch because I am not "wanted" or unworthy of receiving mutual respect by keeping their penis in their pants... I will have to respectfully pass. I deserve more than that. And I fucking know this. 

I think women just have this random kick to the face... like, "Hey, all your friends are in relationships or are married. They get to have morning sex if they want it. They have someone to eat dinner with. They have someone to go to parties with. They have someone to play with their hair when they lay on the couch feeling like shit... what are you doing wrong? What is wrong with you? Why aren't you in a relationship? Why doesn't someone love you?" 

BUT THEN. Dun dun duuuuun. Once I think about it more. Why would I settle just to have those things? And why would I put up with someone who doesn't respect me. I need to have patience... cause even though I don't have those said things... I do have a pretty fucking fabulous life. Like okay... this is somewhat contradicting... but right now I can do what I want, when I want, for whatever reason I want. I can go where I want, eat what I want, and do what I want without having to inform anyone of anything. If I feel like dancing... I dance. If I feel like going for a beer or 8... I go for 15 [lol]. If I meet someone new... I don't have to drill them on their intentions. I don't have to worry about other people trying to fuck the same person I share a bed with. 

So... in a very drawn out chaotic conclusion. I would like a relationship but I also accept being single... so until someone slaps me across the face with their charming sweet yet funny personality. I am good being where I am at. I can wait. I have patience. Kind of. Not really.... but whatever.

I don't know how but all my blogs end up on the topic of relationships... either when I am in them, when I get out of them, or when I don't know what the hell I am doing. This is a I have no idea what I am doing but I think I am okay with it blog.

I don't need someone to tame me... I want someone to be as wild as I am... be a beast beside me. 

Not one of my most entertaining blogs... but it will have to do for now until I find something else I want to talk about.

I'm as single as a slice of American cheese.

I started following this site called "How About We For Couples" Yes, I realize I am single. And Yes, I realize that the site is for couples. I do however enjoy finding ideas for future references. [Yes, I am hopeless] But look they have ALL SORTS OF NEAT-O BURRITO THINGS!!

• Create in Clay Ceramics Workshop
• Learn to Make Next Level S'mores 
• Roll Bounce at SF's Roller Disco
• Stand Up Paddle Board Lessons for Two
• Learn to Give Each Other Rubdowns
• Love Is Art Painting Kit
• Couples Screen Printing Workshop
• Trapeze Lessons for Two

I mean the list of things is insane, plus these are only the things I find interesting. They have different dinner dates and movie passes and things like that and it goes on and on and on.

So a friend posted an article on how in France they banned beauty pageants for girls under the age of 16.  Anyone hosting a beauty pageant for those under the age of 16 will get a $40,000 fine and 2 years in prison. I also have a photo project due tomorrow. I finally had my spark of creativity.

I have 3 photos I need to turn in for my photo class tomorrow. People: Fiction


Of course I have yet to shoot it. However, I just came up with my plan. I have all these dresses I never wear and a princess crown I spent $20 on for a different photo project so I am basically just going to go for the controversial aspect of it all. So full blown running make up, messy hair, prom dresses.
[Think: Courtney Love]


I just have so much going on with photography I don't feel like I am putting my all into it.

[Pre-shoot of the Skateboard Collection]

 [The Dog]

 [Fields]

 [Newborn Shoot]

[Wedding]

I mean I personally think they are all okay, but nothing is quite what I want it to be. My lighting is off, my positioning is wrong, the exposure is not right, etc.. etc.. etc.. 

I wish I could take pictures with my eyeballs. That would be neat. 

My blogging motivation has gone down the tube. So I will post this and continue on with my day. 

Hello My Old Heart

I tried to write a blog last week with little success. I post long and mindless posts on Facebook all day long but as soon as I open up the blogger page my mind draws this blank.

My mind = [FranklinGymSexPhotographyWarPoliticsFunnyPresentSadBeerNudityButterfliesHistoryEducationRealityDreamsDeathPensPaperMasturbationMoneyWeatherDecoratingReligionExboyfriendsLawsFoodTodolistsMathColorsTrucksPlacesEconomyJuiceFriendsPastVolunteeringLivestockCalculatorsGardeningBubblebathsPreworkoutPeopleQuotesBabiesHomeworkRelationshipsMichelleJailNailpolishBooksEuropeCraftsRapePoliticiansOrganizationalskillsZombiesTelevision]

My mind while trying to write a blog = [    hmmm...     ]

It is like this non-stop chaos to comes to a halt. I try not to censor myself too much on my blog but I know I do. Some things just get into the realm of awkwardness and since I have NO IDEA who reads it... I have to expect that EVERYONE reads it. [Hi Grandma. (lol. jk. Grandma doesn't have a computer)] I know some of the things I have wrote in the past have caused people to be upset. I should have a disclaimer.

***Disclaimer: I say fuck a lot.***

Now it isn't because I lack the vocabulary to come up with a more suitable word. I just like the word. It is definitely offensive to many people and quite unprofessional. However, I don't really care. Granted, while in certain company I will curve the need to say it because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable... but with the choice you made to read this... well, you chose to read it. Don't judge my vocabulary.

Since we have gotten past that portion of things. I guess we will just go over a couple things until I get back into the groove of things.

Life.

Ah, yes. The past year has been A FUCKING TRIP. I pretty much have covered most bases of life in just 2013 and it isn't even over yet. I guess all in all it has been a year of self discovery. I am still working on a lot of things but I think I have the majority of it figured out. I wrote a Facebook post about it...

Every night... I try to go to bed early and yet every night I am wide awake. Thoughts invade my head from everyday tasks to things that I have(had) no control over.  

The conversation about the month of March didn't help. Everyone was posting things about Michelle's 6 month anniversary of her death. I can remember every last detail of walking into the house up until the paramedics came... Then the rest of the month was kind of fuzzy (more like non-existent) I'm sure it must just be a coping mechanism my brain uses.

On a more positive scale... I had a conversation tonight about not allowing my life to fall apart (not in relation to Michelle) I'm notorious for letting myself slip then getting caught with having my life fall apart and constantly trying to fit the pieces back together while other parts crumble. Like some giant juggling act of never getting it right. 

Recently on this unexpected path of self-discovery and awareness... I realized that I am the only person to blame. Bad will always show its ugly face and I will never be the person the media tells me to be. I am my own entity separated from the masses. There may be someone prettier than me, smarter, more charming, more creative, more connected in social activities, more spontaneous... Etc... You get the point. However, no one will be me. I am my own divine self. I am who I was meant to be... Not saying I am better than anyone else but I am perfect in the way of self. (does that make any sense?) 

I finally have that drive I've been searching for. I could spend my whole life searching for someone or something to make me happy... But I'll never find it because what I need is something I already have. I just didn't realize it. I just needed a chance to change direction and focus. Life isn't about what you have or who you can impress... It is about making the best out of every situation, about loving yourself, it is about being able to share moments with the people around you who strive to also make the best of the time they have here.

I don't have much but I have exactly what I need... A loving family, a solid group of friends, generally good health, a challenging job, a place to live, reliable transportation, and another day to wake up and live the life I want to lead.

It seems to be that we are our own worst enemies... That we don't see how beautiful we are because we are comparing ourselves to everyone else. BUT as one of my favorite quotes puts it....

"The grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized with bullshit."  

If you think about it... everything you read is only a portion of their life. No one really shares the parts of themselves that they are not happy with. Yes, you will read "I need to start working out" "I am single again" "I am angry" But how often do you read or hear that people are sad... and not sad because of a youtube video they just watched... but genuinely just sad or unhappy. How often do you hear about the every day stressors in someone's life? For me it's not that often. You almost have to dig for that information. I am a firm believer in it is better out than in. Not in a way of ALWAYS complaining about EVERYTHING... but in a way of letting go of that negative and moving in to a positive way of thinking. 

And now I am at a point in the blog where my thoughts are starting to collide. I need a firm topic... 

Being Single.

My ex is pretty awesome. Well, for being an ex. We started dating out of the blue and we ended out of the blue. Definitely not something I had planned on and not exactly something I wanted because we were able to get along really well but he gave me something that I needed. The realization that no one can complete you, you have to complete yourself. 

So I have switched things up and I am really working on being... well... me? I relate to the movie Runaway Bride. I conform to relationships giving up who I am to be with someone else. The reasoning for this is I want to make things work, I like the person and I want them to be with me. 

I am that person who just wants to be loved by someone. I basically grew up while being in a long term relationship so that is all I really know. But I think as I have gotten older I have started to realize that when single I am able to be myself. I do what I want, when I want, for the reasons I want to. I am a quirky individual and people like me for who I am. So my relationship fail because when in them... I change. 

So I have set up some random goals in order to make myself better and improve the quality of my life. 

• Be healthier. I was always afraid of the gym. Technically I still am. It is a big place with lots of big people who know what they are doing and I am over here like hey... I can curl 30lbs! Once I started going it has become easier [although I am not at the confidence level I would like to be at] I love the after feeling, I love knowing that although I cannot see it... I can feel changes... and those changes are happening because I am making them. I may never get to the point where I am competition status, but the strength I gain is something that belongs to me. 
• Do things. My parents really didn't do family vacations. So we never really went anywhere. With the group of friends I have now... people are willing to get out of town and go explore which is great! On top of that though, there are things I want to do. So I have the chance to do them even if it is just by myself driving up to Fort Bragg to see a beach. 
• Side note: When making plans for myself and including other people it seems that when the other person changes their mind or just straight up flakes. I no longer follow through with the plan. I just say fuck it and stay home to do my normal routine. This is a problem in the sense where I haven't done a lot because of another person. 
• Learn things. There is so much out there to learn. I mean you have classes, colleges, events, and the internet!! The lists of things we can learn is endless. I've always wanted to learn how to make crafty stuff like soaps and candles... but I also want to learn how to operate heavy machinery and build stuff. I want to learn how to be self sufficient and re-learn how to fish and also learn how to hunt. I want to learn how to blow glass and ride horses... how to dance and play the guitar my dad gave me... I want to learn more sign language and how to sew. There is this endless list of things that I want to do and I have the time to do it. 
• Be organized. I am a big ball of fiery chaos. My car is a mess and all the drawers in my room are just filled with stuff. STUFF EVERYWHERE. I need to find a way to take more time to do the simple things that way it doesn't build up. 
• Just relax. It doesn't matter what I am doing, I am always thinking and planning and this and that and the other thing. I NEVER GIVE MYSELF A BREAK. Even when I have time I am on Facebook giving an opinion or trying to help someone. It is like I put all these plans and goals and things around me... I rarely just sit down and read a book or watch a movie to enjoy the moment. Everything is always planned and executed which in the end normally leaves me scrambling for time. 

So I cannot say I do not wish to be in a relationship because I would like the companionship... I want a best friend that can be more than that but right now it just seems the right person hasn't come along. I just have to do what I do and enjoy what I can because in all honesty... you never know what is going to happen... might as well make the best of it.